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its amazing, how quickly things can change. hes been good. so fucking good. he can safetly say that this past week has been the best hes had in a long damn time, and he guesses joji'd say the same. they've been so good, when just a few weeks ago things were so dismal, for no reason at all other than his fucked brain struggling to cope in an average situation. well, maybe it wasnt alright, the way hes been living. but does it really fucking matter when hes all up in the clouds, mind clear and eyes bright.
hes not high. hes just so fucking happy, staring out at the sunset from the roof of the local shops, favourite guy beside him and a smile on his face, goddamn he missed happy. hes hoping itll stick around.
he turns to joji, and jojis eyes are calm, expression soft and pleased, when he looks back at him. he kisses him, feeling everything, all the love and that buzz, the one that starts in the pit of ur stomach and reverberates thru u, vibrating in ur blood and over ur skin, making u feel alive. and its real, pure, from within. god, hed fuck him right here on this roof if he had the guts.
all these thoughts that have been tormenting him for so long, theyre so quiet in this moment, and even that anxiety, the one that shows up after too much time spent doing what he wants to do, its not killing him right now. he wants to tie himself to joji, wrist to wrist, arm to arm, chest to chest, hip to hip, never let him go. hold onto all this good and share it, have it bounce right back, a feedback loop of all the best emotions he can never keep for long.
he loves him so much, and hes so tired of the fear, the stress, all the excuses to keep himself away, hidden, isolated and petrified. maybe its the new year, he doesnt know, but he feels stronger, that will to /live/, to be alive, is so real, so visceral, it aches. he cant pinpoint whats driving him, maybe it comes from him, from joji, but he knows he wants joji with him thru all of it. he wants to run and never look back, and he wants joji there, wants to share the world with him. its a beautiful feeling.
it hurts to think that theyve been together so long and the whole time ians just been.. a vegetable. trapped in his own head, incapacitated. and joji was there for him the whole time and ian just felt so stuck, like he couldn't be what joji needed. he felt so guilty, so closed off and unable and he just cant do it anymore. wallow. its not helping anyone.
and look, hes not trying to be better for joji, okay, even tho thats part of it. it feels so good to finally commit to this, to him, but its not just that. he craves that feeling of freedom, liberation, and he's just chasing it. living the adolescence he never let himself experience, taking these ideas, these stupid, impulsive ideas and just running with them. and maybe someday soon theyll settle, talk about the future, grow up and start to grow old together, but this feels like the beginning. not just a beginning, /the/ beginning, the start of the rest of their lives, after so much time wasted.
joji is beautiful. his lips are soft and sweet, he emanates this /warm/, like a blanket, and ian wants to wrap himself up in him and /feel/. he doesnt know what he'll feel tomorrow, or a month from now, but whatever it is he wants to feel it with him.
he looks back up at the sky, at the colours and the shapes and he knows, in this moment, that hes exactly where hes meant to be.