“I do not believe this,” said Rudyard, as a third deer trod on his trousers.
“Go away,” he yelled, shaking his leg. The doe looked at him beeseechingly and then scampered away.
“Oh thank god,” he exclaimed as the deer left.
He went back to diligently planting his sunflowers and had just reached for the fertiliser when he realised he could hear singing.
“What now,” he grumbled.
He looked around for the source of the, admittedly excellent singing, and when he couldn't find it, continued on with his gardening. Rudyard then went to check on his begonias which were coming on rather nicely, despite Piffling Vale's constant rain and chalky soil, and discovered that they were now anthropomorphic and singing like something out of Chapman's (or indeed any Disney prince) wet dreams.
“Right,” shouted Rudyard at the plants who had begun to trill, high pitched and piercing, “Shut up!”
The flowers cowed and wilted slightly.
Unbeknownst to Rudyard and his waning sanity, Eric was just around the corner.
“Hello, Rudyard,” he said, in his annoyingly perfect voice.
“..Hello Chapman,” he replied, desperately shielding the begonias from his rival’s (ᶠᵘᵗᵘʳᵉ ʰᵘˢᵇᵃⁿᵈ) eyes.
“What are you doing, Rudyard?” asked Eric, voice friendly.
“Nothing,” said Rudyard, eyes wild as he saw a familiar deer in the distance.
“Oh,” hummed Eric, “You've got a bit of dirt on your nose.”
Eric leaned forward and rubbed the dirt off gently. Their eyes met. Sky blue on mud brown. Eric kissed him, his hand sliding up to cup Rudyard's cheek. Rudyard shuddered and melted into the warm embrace. Rudyard felt a sharp nip at his butt.
“Eric, did you just pinch my ass?” enquired Rudyard, cheeks bright red.
“No,” said Eric, confused.
Rudyard turned around to see a small angry deer looking at him.
“I've told you. I can't feed you because I am not a female. Or a deer for that matter,” explained Rudyard impatiently.
The deer bleated angrily.
“Yes, well, I've told you they don't sell goat's milk in Piffling.” Said Rudyard, as Eric stifled a laugh into his shoulder.
“Actually,” interrupted Eric, “I think I have some in my fridge.”
Rudyard coughed in embarrassment.
“Well what are you waiting for? Lead the way then.” Said Rudyard.
And off they went, a disney prince and princess and their cartoon deer, off to drink some milk.