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Kamek's Diary

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Dear diary,

I do like my job. I could not imagine having a different job than the one I have right now. Raising King Bowser has given my life a purpose and has given me joy I could not have obtained doing anything else. Despite the fact that sometimes his plans are outrageous, I still admire his determination. Consistency is key, and King Bowser has consistency down to an art. No matter how many times that scoundrel defeats him and saves the princess, King Bowser always returns trying to concoct his next great plan.

Not only is he determined, he is a loving and caring father. Despite the fact he will not tell me who gave birth to the young prince, I deteste that mother anyway for abandoning a child for King Bowser to raise on his own. That day is fresh in my mind, and I am sure I wrote all the details down as well. That was the first time I had ever seen him confused, with a baby koopa swaddled up in his arms. I realized then I would have to teach him everything I knew about parenting, no matter how difficult it would be. Now, the young master has grown into a fine prince, just as his father did all those years ago. Like father like son, I suppose.

The next thing King Bowser did was nearly even more of a shock. I saw him enter the castle one day with a line of koopas, varying in age. He told me that these seven children would be dubbed the Koopalings, and they would each lead a section of his army. Of course I was able to understand that the Koopalings were more than generals, but seven more children for Bowser to raise and make himself happy with. As I mentioned above, Bowser was determined, determined enough to not just raise one child, but eight.

I do like my job, but eight children rushing around a castle can make quite the mess. I tried my damndest to teach them all the little bits of magic they would need to fight off annoying pests, but they are still mere apprentices. That is likely the reason why today Ludwig, the eldest of the seven adopted children, came to me asking me to summon a new piano for him, as the last one was broken during a disagreement between him and one of his brother’s, Lemmy.

Did I summon an entire piano? Yes.

Luckily I had no other work to do today. King Bowser’s latest plan failed once again, and since then he had not left his little workspace. His latest plan was not bad, though I did tell him attempting to marry the princess was possibly not the best course of action. He did not listen to me, and even hired wedding planners. He can be so impulsive on ocassion, but everyone seems to have flaws (except for me, of course).

I do hope he exits the office soon enough, though. I have managed to gather some intelligence on the latest party the idiotic plumber and his group of lunatics are planning. I am a huge fan of parties, as you should know by now. One of my fondest memories is when King Bowser had the genius idea to invite them all over for a meal, and they actually fell for it! A party completely controlled by us! It was an amazing experience. Except when they so rudely entered my library. As if they have any right! I could have been busy! Busy doing...things. That was around the time I got the dashing midnight blue dress.

It seems like I have gotten off topic. My job. Yes. Advisor to King Bowser, as well lead caregiver to his eight children. I cast magic spells when necessary to get into the way of the menance and his possy, with the goal of aiding them in defeating them all and conquering the Mushroom Kingdom...or whatever King Bowser’s plan is this time around. But also to protect the Koopa family from them all. I do not mean to get too serious here, that Mario is completely heartless at times. You have no idea how many lava pits I have fished King Bowser from, occasionally with all his skin gone from the bone. That is another time he never quite took my advice. No matter how many times I would tell him to stop making the floors of his lairs able to be destroyed, he would still maintain the same illogical plan. Even if it lead to his destruction on countless occasions. I suppose that must be another flaw of King Bowser. He is far too cocky. Cocky enough to attempt to marry the enemy princess.

I am afraid I am running out of time to write today. It is almost time for dinner, and I must make sure everything goes alright with the service of the royal family. It is nice to see that dining room table full, and not just King Boswer sitting at the end of the table, alone and barely touching his food. Now, he has a family of eight wonderful children, and it leaves me to wonder why he still keeps his old caregiver around at all. Soon he will have many generals as proficient as I am, and there would be no need for an old man like me. I wonder what retirement will bring me, if anything at all.

I apologize for ending on such a depressing note. I should not be focusing on the future rather than the present. Right now, my present is still serving King Bowser and his children, and that is what I will do. After all, if I am not there to supervise their dinner, and make sure no intruder bothers their dinner, then who will?

Sincerely,

Kamek

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

My plan to force King Bowser outside worked better than I could have ever expected it to! I politely suggested that he and the young master take a walk outside in the beautiful weather, and I saw his tired eyes look up and smile, reaching for his phone to disable the young master’s Switch using the parental controls. Honestly, those parental controls are a lifesaver. I feel like otherwise we would have a very difficult time getting the young master away from that piece of technology.

I, being the responsible advisor that I am, sent a legion of assorted lackeys behind them, just in case that they ran into Mario and his crew. Little did I know, that was exactly what I wanted to happen. Turns out, the measly group of heroes were debating on who was the real “Superstar”, a title only given to those they declare to be the best at their parties. I could tell King Bowser was thinking of a plan, however, what he did surprised even me.

To me, King Bowser will always be the Superstar, however, hearing him declare it was not expected. In the past, he had never seen interested in the parties themselves, only ruining the experience for the Mario Brothers and their small army of annoyances. But, the concept of taking away their chances of being the Superstar by playing under their rules will likely wield the same effect of stopping the parties all together anyway.

If there is a single downside of this whole thing, it is that I have to work as cooperatively as possible with those Mushroom Retainers. Honestly, those two have been the most challenging part of this whole thing so far. You should hear some of the things they dare to even whine about!

“No Kamek, we can’t have a board that is entirely magical lava that will only burn plumbers.”

“No Kamek, we can’t design a minigame where the entire goal is to throw hammers at people wearing red."

After a discussion that took up way too much of my precious time, we decided on the boards and minigames. A part of this deal that was I would get an entire board to do whatever I wanted on, except for the magical plumber burning lava. I was okay with that board idea; finally, a place to put the giant golden statue of myself.

Other than hosting my gorgeous new board, my responsibilities are simple: I teach the rules, despite everyone being quite experienced in how to play these games. That one is the boring job. My other job is the fun one. For some reason, I am in charge of the very creatively named “Bad Luck Spaces” and “Extra Bad Luck Spaces”. I try not to feel too guilty about it when King Bowser lands on them, which is far too often in my opinion.

The parties always provide a good distraction for those self-rightous pests to not realize any extra planning going on underneath it as well. It’s not even just the parties; all their go-karting, baseball, tennis, and whatever else just gives us the time and opportunity to stalk for weaknesses and opportunities to kidnap the princess and get rid of them. The best part of it all is that we keep getting invited back; their ignorance is our bliss.

As beneficial as the parties are, at times I do feel worried for King Bowser and the young master. They, and the other troops, are around the plumber’s gang far too often! They can even be forced to fight alongside of each other! Who knows if they are having conversations that could possibly harm the founding ideals of the Koopa Troop. They could be brainwashed into the brick block smashing ways of their so called heroics. I did bring this up to King Bowser, he merely told me not to worry about it. I suppose I should listen to him; his logic is rarely flawed when it comes to plans.

I do hope that the young master is enjoying the party as well. I am sure he is used to being thrown into his father’s impulsive decisions, but, at times, he is quite the sore loser. I have seen him return home, tears streaming down his face as he bawled over a lost go-karting race. It is almost humourous how much he is like how his father was at that age. Nearly a carbon copy, if I were to say so myself. I am the one credible source on this topic as everyone knows. No one has been around King Bowser for as long as I have! No one else could have done the job as excellently and as proudly as I have. No one besides me would have able to put up with him for that long...

Anyway, I most definitely enjoy the parties more than anything else that is hosted. They are founded off of mischeif, and I have been consistently asked to mess them up! There is no such thing as a better situation than this. Even the free time I get, when no one is partying or everyone is just playing the minigames, is absolutely perfect! It gives me a lot of time to indulge my own personal interests. I even have time for my new dresses; the other day I found a nice dark red one... But that is a story for another entry.

Sincerely,

Kamek