Work Header

Susie’s hair is possessed.

Work Text:

Susie is sleeping in her bed. Happily painting a nude picture of Lancer. She wakes up when she hears a sloth noise. She punches the bed and exclaims, “That, of course, is my doorbell!”

Susie opens the front door with her pancreas. The handle is covered in Kool Aid and stuck. Susie does the default Fortnite dance while she complains, “I can’t believe this damn door is stuck!”

Susie slaps her taint on the door. After feeling like she can never open the door, she suddenly gets an idea. “I randomly remember a trick that my family learned that has opened doors for years!!!”

“This trick is called the Ol’ Grinch Obama Trump!”

The trick worked! Susie finally opened the door and sees a mail man who has crossed eyes and speaks in a bad Minnesotan accent.

The mailman hands Susie a package and says to her in his awful accent, “You have to stare at this package using a cockroach!”

While holding a package, Susie starts feeling like a child and immaturely and annoyingly screams at the mailman, “FART YOU!”

She slams the door on the mailman’s Fallopian tube. In pain, the mailman says, “AAAAAAGGGHH, MY FALLOPIAN TUBES!!!”

Susie wanks the package with her poop. She finally opens it and sees a Wii controller. At first thinking it was a present from Ralsei or Lancer, she soon senses the object’s evil and impregnates something!

“Oh, my Lancer!!” Susie exclaims. “This Wii Controller is haunted and it wants to possess my hair!!”

The Wii Controller soon liquifies itself and attaches itself to Susie’s hair, causing her to scream like Lindsay Lohan. The item then causes Susie to pounce a cheese on her head.

“I can’t stop!” Susie screams. “My colossal hair is making me do this!”

Susie then bedazzles a coffee mug, dances on a condom, and finally drips on a butt plug.

Susie is wornout and defeated, but then takes off her jacket and exclaims, “I randomly remember another ancient family remedy for getting rid of possessed hair! I just have to hornswaggle my hair with a teenage girl’s underwear 283 times in a row!”

Susie goes to Noelle’s house, takes her underwear and does the remedy. However it doesn’t work, causing her to be dejected and nearly shirtless.

Suddenly, Susie starts speaking in a Rouxls Kaard accent, “Waite, I knoweth a way to fixeth thy problem and thoust worms won’t knoweth thy differencethest!”

Susie then gets on the couch and Scottish yodels like Shrek. She then puts a doorag on her head and yells in a Scottish accent, “Nobody know anything about Scottish people accept Sean Connery is Scottish and Shrek sounds like the Scottish!”

Suddenly, the trick worked and the Wii remote is destroyed, but it changes Susie’s hair. However, she does not care. She looks over and says, “Hey Kris, do ya like my new haircut?”

We see Kris walking by eating moss and spanking a bacon pop tart.

Impressed at first, Kris then starts feeling disgust towards Susie’s hair and starts to throw up in the sink.

Angered, Susie screams, “PINK SPRINKLED BALLS!!!!!”