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Chapter Text

 

 

Tobirama, delirious, at 5am, having not slept for 6 days, @ a confounded Izuna he passed by in the kitchen: Whoever composed the wii music. Rivals mozart 

 

——

 

Tobirama, smirking: The most powerful position is on your knees.

Mito and Izuna, beside him, fanning themselves: Amen.

 

——

 

Madara, scratching Tobirama’s (flaming blue) cat under the chin: oh! what’s her name 

Tobirama: /sweats/

Hashirama, glaring: tell him.

Tobirama: sn. socks

 

——

 

[soulmate au]

Touka, gasping: It’s you! My soulmate! Senju Lzuna!

Izuna: starts crying

 

——

 

Hatake Kakashi, 4 years old,  to a bewildered Minato: my dad said i need to stop saying ‘i want to’ and i need to start saying ‘i’m going to’ so here goes:

I’m going to steal the Hokage position.

 

——

 

Madara: hey

Tobirama: hm?

Madara: how’s ur night going 

Tobirama, squinting: my what?

Madara, rolling his eyes, repeating himself: night

Tobirama, already sliding the door closed: okay goodnight

 

——

 

Hashirama, yelling into the hills: I’m an idiot!

His echo: You’re an idiot!

 

——

 

[doctor!tobirama, dentist!madara]

madara’s blood as it gets drawn: spurts a little

madara: ?!

tobirama, looking him in the eye: you’re bleeding because you don’t floss.

 

——

 

Young Kagami, proudly puffing his chest out as he sits on Tobirama’s lap: The human body has enough bones to make an entire skeleton! 

Tobirama, nodding in approval: Yes. You’re right. How smart.

Kagami: The equator is long enough to wrap around the earth exactly once!

Tobirama: Mhmm.

 

——

 

Hagoromo: hey, mo-

Kaguya: do i look like a fucking rocket scientist to you?

Hagoromo:

Hamura:

Hamura: you’re from the fucking moon

 

——

 

[madatobi soulmate aus]

Tobirama, casually: —so yeah, im probably gonna die in the next month or so. whatever. have i told you mito’s pregnant?

Izuna and Touka, sputtering: WHAT

Chapter Text

Tobirama, looking back and forth between two glasses: Huh.

Touka, not even looking up from where Mito is painting her nails: What is it?

Tobirama, squinting at the liquids: One of these is sulfuric acid and one of these is water. I don’t know which.

Mito: Taste it and find out?

Madara, whipping his head around the conversation, eyes wide: Wha-? Wh-? He-! What the-?

——

Tobirama: pessimism is great. im either right or pleasantly surprised.

Hashirama: that’s a very optimistic way of looking at pessimism!

——

Izuna, as he lists off his favorite love story tropes: Soulmate AU! When two people are soulmates and when they see eachother they finally gain skeletons

Touka, having zoned out, getting whiplash from snapping her head towards him: WHAT

——

Kakashi:
Kakashi:
Kakashi: /flips page/
Kakashi:
Kakashi:
Kakashi:
Kakashi: oh, out loud?

——

Hashirama, gasping: I love your lipstick, Mito!

Mito, pleased: Thank you. Do you want a swatch?

Hashirama, excited: Yes, please-

Mito, smoothly taking his hand: [kisses the inside of his wrist to leave a mark]

Hashirama, flustered, feeling like he’s definitely going to die on the spot: Wh-? Uh. Ah-

Tobirama and Touka: [whistle lowly]

——

Izuna, walking into Tobirama’s room to see an eldrich abomination taking up most of the space: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

Tobirama, patting the monster’s head lovingly: It’s my child

Chapter Text

mikoto, an angry aunt doing her angry aunt duties: YOU BOTH DECIDED TO CONSUMMATE YOUR LOVE IN THE KAMUI DIMENSION?

obito and kakashi, flushing and looking to the side, quietly: yes ma’am

——-

tobirama: okay, after you finish your lunch we’ll go over these seals

kagama, internally, eyes shaking as he stares at his bento: time to channel your inner sea cucumber

tobirama, squinting: i know what you’re thinking, brat.

——-

tobirama, walking onto the battlefield to see corpses strewn everywhere: well this isn’t ideal

tobirama, accidentally spilling ink onto his notes: God Has Abandoned This Timeline

——-

kakashi: once i overcome my insomnia, ptsd, porn addiction, propensity for isolation, tendency for projection, self-hate, minor haemophobia, fear of intimacy, apathetic personality disorder, slight suicidal tendencies and inability to let myself live in peace it’s over for you bitches.

——-

[doctor!tobirama pt.2]

tobirama: how can I help you?

Madara, wanting his test results, panicking because tobirama is pretty: I WANT MY BLOOD BACK.

——-

Tobirama, holding a tortoise in the air triumphantly: Ha! Take that, vermin!

Hikaku, bewildered, as Hashirama and co. watch on exasperated at the race tournament: Are you telling me the fastest man in the Land of Fire—

Kagami, sighing: Yes.

——-

Izuna, in bed, staring at the ceiling: God put me onto this world and said, “Let this dumbass roam.”

——-

Touka, drunk: You call it really bad at darts, I call it freestyle acupuncture 

Hashirama, close to tears because Tobirama hiraishin’ed away from the entire situation: touka. touka PLEASE

——-

Threatening letter on Tobirama’s windowsill: We are in Konoha. We have come to kill you.

Tobirama, newly appointed Hokage and already hating his job, sighing dreamily: I wish they would hurry up 

——-

Mito, spending time with her granddaughter: Who’s your hero?

6 y/o Tsunade, offhandedly: I am one of my own heroes. First I am kind to myself, and second I do things I want.

Mito, holding back tears: T-That’s lovely, dear

——-

Mito: /swallows a pill dry/

Mito, seeing Tobirama who is trembling: What?

Tobirama, who is in fact, shaking with fear in the presence of this force of chaos: what the fuck, sister

——-

Kushina: spits out sunflower seeds in front of the vacuum as she eats them so they get cleaned as she goes

Kakashi, crying: I Have So Much To Learn

——-

Itachi, hosting a really awkward party: why is nobody having a good time? i specifically requested it

——-

5 y/o Tobirama, bored: What if I bend this thing?

Thing: breaks

Tobirama: Ah.

——-

Hinata: IM GONNA DIE ALONE AND UNCARED FOR

Also Hinata, so anxious her nervous system has literally shut down, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, cracking open another sparkling water: Haha probably 

Chapter Text

sakura, fluttering her eyelashes: sasuke-kun—

kakashi, a certified sasunarusasu shipper, slamming a hand onto her shoulder and whispering into her ear: don’t.

——

madara: ha! get on my level!

tobirama: but bending down hurts my knees

mito and touka, adding a tally under tobirama’s name: OHHHHHHHHH

——

mito, casually, walking behind madara as hashirama and co. walk a bit ahead: hey, madara

madara: what?

mito: [dabs]

madara, frozen: ?!

mito, leaning in and muttering: nobody will ever believe you.

——

butsuma, giving a speech to the clan on mortality: the world population is 7,714,576,923. just in case somebody starts feeling too important.

hashirama, under his breath: 7,714,576,922 and me.

——

anko, busting into one of the jounin meetings: hey! how’s konoha’s biggest slut?

kakashi, not even looking up from his book: that’s not nice to genma.

genma, quirking a brow: i don’t think she means me.

kurenai, rolling her eyes: can you even name one person- except gai, that’s a bit of a stretch- in this room that you haven’t slept with?

——

naruto: 6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

sakura: because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day!

sasuke, internally: this is advanced

——

a quote from a biography on hashirama, buried somewhere in the konoha library: “I would never!” - the shodaime, when he definitely would

——

kakashi, bewildered: last night i gave a drunk girl hunched over in the bathroom a hair tie and she invited me to her wedding in january. 

kurenai, turning to him from where she was talking to asuma, smiling sheepishly: oh, that was you?

——

[vampire hunter au]

butsuma, revising: okay, so what do you do when you run into a vampire

5 y/o tobirama: bite them first to assert dominance!

butsuma: NO—

——

izuna, with utmost confidence: i may be annoying, but at least im also obnoxious!

tobirama, putting his face in his hands and crying: you’re so fucking dumb

——

inojin’s phone: 1%

inojin: it’s been an honor serving with you all.

inojin’s phone, glitching: 0%

inojin: YO WHAT THE FUCK

 

Chapter Text

teenage obito, literally just showing a bunch of pictures of kakashi: assholes like this have a 125% chance of stealing your girl. look at rin

teenage asuma, exasperated to hell and back: why the entire fuck do you have a collection of him in your wallet

——

izuna: do you want to talk about it?

tobirama: no.

tobirama, ten minutes later: it all started when i was born

——

hashirama, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses: i heard you liked bad boys ;)

mito, amused: no?

hashirama, sighing in relief and taking off the accessories: good, that felt horrible

izuna, recycling hashirama’s outfit: i heard you liked bad boys ;)

touka, knows what’s going on, fully intending to mess with him, grabbing him by the shoulders: yes. please wear this forever 

izuna, voice cracking: of course

——

minato, preparing for his jounin exam, @ 6pm: ill study at 7.

minato, @ 11pm, procrastinated so hard he’s ended up crying over jiraiya’s lap: im gonna fail, sensei. stop letting me experiment. ive already upgraded the hirashin twice and made up theories for this thing called the rasengan but i still haven’t even studied hand signals

——

[that one a:tla scene]

tobirama, two fingers at his eyes and at some asshole diplomats back and forth as he leaves the room: i’ve got my eye on you.

hashirama, loudly whispering as he follows, whipping his arms out casually: senju clan.

——

tobirama, sorting his and hashirama’s clothes so their handcarry won’t be so heavy on the boat to uzushio: ...anija? why have you packed as if you’re going to shit yourself twice a day for the entire week we’re there?

——

chouji, grimacing as he tries the wartime-issued bootleg crisps: i’m clogging my arteries for this?

——

tobirama: [does a bunch of hand signs as if he’s gonna do a bigass jutsu]

izuna, panicking: oh shit, oh shit

tobirama: [fingerguns]

izuna, laughing in disbelief: holy shit

——

madara, to mito: i see you’re wearing open-toed shoes.

madara: since when did you become a whore?

[bonus] izuna: madara what the entire fuck are you talking about we literally all wear sandals

——

butsuma: okay, you two. thirty laps.

hashirama, dead tired, face red from exertion: i don’t think a person should run unless they’re being chased.

tobirama: [has to look to the side so that they don’t see his mouth twitching]

——

[soulmate au]

obito, for the third day in a row, showing up to training with a dick drawn in sharpie on his cheek: dont you dare say anything, bakashi. im gonna fucking strangle them when i find out who they are.

kakashi, a mask-wearing troll, found out obito was his soulmate three days ago: heh.

——

madara: [walks in to tobirama ‘sitting’ in the most uncomfortable, inhuman position, with izuna sitting cross-legged beside him and reading a book]

madara: what the fuck? why are you sitting like that?

izuna, indifferent: he’s gay, madara

Chapter Text

academy teacher: what’s the hardest word to say?

5y/o kakashi: antidisestablishmentarianism.

academy teacher: no, the correct answer is the word sorry.

kakashi:

[bonus] kakashi, a few months later, to a weary sakumo who has his head in hands: and that’s why i graduated three months earlier than i originally planned. 

——

hashirama, while tobirama watches to the side: [runs straight for the nakano]

madara and izuna: what the fuck is he doing?

hashirama: [jumps in, stays under for half a minute]

madara: tobirama! why aren’t yo-

hashirama: [emerges holding up a fish the size of his torso]

izuna: holy shit.

——

tobirama: sarutobi.

hiruzen, probably pulled some dumbass shit, internally: play dumb!

hiruzen: who’s sarutobi?

hiruzen, already running, internally: not that dumb

——

sakura, far too influenced by kakashi: i have a science headcanon

tsunade: can you just say hypothesis like a normal person?

sakura: so my science headcanon is

——

madara, walking out to the koi pond: tobirama!

tobirama, some kinda nymph, surrounded by fishes made out of water he’s making float around him: hey.

madara, suddenly breathless: ...hi.

——

homura: so what are we gonna do?

hiruzen: i dunno, maybe ramen?

homura: 

hiruzen:

koharu: he meant getting the bells from tobirama-sensei, sarutobi.

——

hashirama: 5 little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and-

tobirama: was diagnosed with mesothelioma 

hashirama, starting to sweat: m-mama called the doctor and the doctor said-

mito: you might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies 

Chapter Text

kagami, walking into the hokage’s office to talk to tobirama: ...uh, hokage-sama?

hashirama, sitting at his desk, staring at his hands, absentmindedly: it’s... it’s nothing, kagami. im just what the kids call... lost in the sauce

——

tobirama, reigning nidaime: swear words are illegal now. say one and you’ll be fined

touka, with a shit-eating grin: heck.

tobirama: you’re on thin fucking ice.

tobirama: WAIT NO

——

bully: hey, nerd-

madara, izuna, kagami, shisui, obito, fugaku, mikoto and itachi’s ghosts: [standing right behind sarada, staring the bully right in the eye ominously]

bully, frantically digging around his pocket and pulling out his wallet: youdroppedsomethingbye

sarada, holding the wallet, dumbfounded: ???????????

——

kidnapper: we have your son.

minato, 17 and confused: i don’t have a son?

kidnapper: the one who started crying and slaughtering half of my men when we touched one of your kunai that he had?

minato, conflicted on whether he should laugh or burst out crying: oh my god, you have kakashi 

——

tobirama, about his relationship with madara: i have something to tell you

mito, blurting out: IM PREGNANT.

tobirama, dropping everything he’s holding: what?

hashirama, slamming his hands on his desk, causing like 20 pens to clatter to the floor: WHAT? YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER?

mito, panicking: WAIT, NO, IT’S YOURS, HASHIRAMA 

touka, more amazed by the fact that hashirama even knows what sex is: HAHA WHAT

izuna, to the side, sighing at the mess that is the senju clan: make sure tobirama marries into our family. im not having you join that

madara, grimacing: of course

——

[everybody lives au]

kakashi, nervous and seeking genuine advice: sensei, what should i do for my date with obito?

minato: how about-

zabuza, kakashi’s bro, visiting konoha with haku: crashing mei’s oncoming carriage?

kushina, cracking her knuckles: a fistfight?

anko, checking her nails: shoplifting?

itachi, a pacifist, but joining in for the sake of the joke: committing murder?

hiruzen, retired, passing by: threatening a politician?

rin, snickering: writing a manifesto?

hana inuzuka, coming back from her shift with prominent eyebags: kidnapping all of the dogs in the inuzuka compound?

sasuke, appearing out of nowhere: arson?

naruto, following sasuke because of course: vandalizing the hokage monument?

minato, running a hand over his face: -ramen. just. just get ramen, kakashi.

kakashi, most definitely grinning under his mask: alright, sensei.

——

izuna, has been watching this whole time, throwing his head back and laughing the minute shisui enters the afterlife: LMAO UR NAME LITERALLY DEATH WATER AND U DROWNED

——

an inuzuka trying to make small talk: my mom calls my brother ‘big dog’!

izuna, sneering: what does she call you then? ‘little bitch’? 

——

kakashi: [goes to pull his mask down to eat]

kakashi: [looks at the window]

kakashi: [sees naruto’s face pressed up into the glass so hard that kakashi doesn’t know if there’s any cartilage in that boy’s nose]

kakashi: [sees sasuke beside naruto, staring at his mask with his eyes so wide, sharingan activated, that kakashi doesn’t think his eyelids are touching his eyeballs anymore]

kakashi: [sees sakura looking torn between scolding them and unlocking the sharingan herself, arm raised subconsciously to break his window open]

kakashi, pulling his mask up higher: ...do you want to come in?

[bonus] naruto, crying on a disgruntled sasuke’s shoulder as sakura pats him on the back: I CANT BELIEVE HE ATE HIS FOOD IN ONE GO AS WE CLIMBED THROUGH THE WINDOW

——

tsunade: granduncle, you have scoliosis

tobirama, 78, old and ready to die: haha okay

[bonus] sakura: kakashi-sensei, you have scoliosis

kakashi, 37, already living far longer than he expected: haha okay

Chapter Text

izuna, about him and touka: why do you support us? i mean, you tried to kill me and i tried to kill you...

tobirama, actually thinking about how satisfying it is to watch izuna be the main focus of touka’s affectionate violence instead of him: ...because you make her happy.

——

mito: alright so we’ll have a female assassin 

tobirama: nice 

mito: and she’s gonna kill the mission objective by seduci-

tobirama: [already asleep]

[bonus] mito: tobirama, wake up. have i told you about that time i seduced the target’s wife and convinced her to murder her husband? we’re doing that 

tobirama, eyes snapping open: go on

——

medicnins, trying to get tobirama to respond after he gets thrashed by an enemy: who’s the hokage?

tobirama, coming to, mumbling: dont make me say it

——

kakashi, a jaded teenager, to his ANBU team: birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, let’s do it, let’s go hurtling straight into the hokage tower window and die

——

hashirama, trying to entertain tobirama’s kids while he’s gone: what do you call a duck with fangs?

hiruzen, screaming with excitement at the top of his lungs: A FUCK

touka, trying not to burst out laughing: what do you call a duck with fangs?

kagami, grimacing at hiruzen: count quackula.

——

young hashirama: haha peek-a-boo!

baby tobirama, has no object permanence, literally believes hashirama is phasing in and out of existence itself: guh 

——

kiba, working part time at ichiraku’s: how did you find your meal, sir?

shino: it was nice.

kiba: that’s not what i meant and you know it.

shino, pointing to hinata beside him who’s mouth is twitching: she told me where you hid it.

——-

gaara, waltzing into konoha to see his nephew, wearing air pods: i see konoha’s finances aren’t doing that well under you, naruto.

——

matatabi, basically tobirama’s housecat at this point: im the only thing preventing the mailman from killing the entire senju clan 

——

hashirama, scratching his head: touka? where’s the scroll that was on my desk?

touka: oh, that? it was addressed to madara so i just gave it to a hawk for you?

hashirama, paling: what. 

[uchiha compound]

madara, eyebrow raised: [opens scroll]

letter, unfinished: dear madara, I am afraid

Chapter Text

tobirama, solemnly, about matatabi: the most unstoppable force of nature is a cat that’s decided it wants to cuddle with you.

——

izuna: [suddenly has tears streaming down his cheeks]

touka, alarmed: are you ok????

izuna: yeah, this just happens sometimes lol

——

touka, stabbing somebody between the eyes with her naginata: life hack

hashirama, pausing: what?

touka, flicking the blood off it: life hack 

——

homura: so what are we doing?

hiruzen: wasting our lives.

homura:

hiruzen:

koharu: he...he actually meant lunch this time, sarutobi.

——

izuna, pre-konoha: if it isn’t bland, boring tobirama.

izuna: if you were a spice, you’d be flour.

tobirama, under his breath: what the fuck does that even mean

——

pre-gai-corruption lee: i may be ugly and be untalented

tenten, wincing: but...?

lee, faltering: that’s all

——

tobirama, sleep deprived, staring at a concerned izuna’s face with dead eyes: salt is just angry sugar

——

madara, eyes narrowing: uzumaki.

mito, lip curling: uchiha.

touka, with a similarly amused tobirama: huh. it’s like, 20 degrees cooler in this shade.

——

hashirama, eyes widening in delight at the flashing lights: tobi! it’s our colors!

tobirama, scrambling from his spot and running: it’s the uchiha police is what it is!

——

some enemy nin: —and here I am to avenge my sister! why, because you— ghk—!

izuna, watching in mild distaste at the blood spray coming out of the guy’s neck courtesy of tobirama’s kunai: oh, come on, it was getting interesting!

tobirama, uninterested: it was going to be cliché and you know it

——

izuna and madara, visiting early in the morning: [door slides open to reveal tobirama still sleep ruffled, hair messy, eyes half-lidded]

izuna and madara: [silently die]

[bonus] izuna, later, staring at the floor: i hate to sound like a cheesy old lady, but that shit was breathtaking bro.

madara, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling, dazed: uh huh.

——

[because the idea of mito’s forehead seal and strength being the same as tsunade‘s is the best thing that’s ever happened]

mito: [gently places satchel on the floor]

floor: [cracks as if one off lee’s weights got dropped on it]

madara, barely managed dodge the cracks of earth making their way towards him, whispering prayers for his life: what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuc

[bonus] mito, holding up her index finger, causing all of her enemies to recoil at the sight: with one finger. this is enough to take you down.

[bonus bonus] naruto, waking up with a gasp: why does it feel like granny’s granny just haunted me

Chapter Text

tobirama, handing izuna a glass of water: osteoporosis.

izuna: ???

[bonus] izuna, later, suddenly sitting up: bone atrophy. he meant bone atr

——

tobirama, gesturing wildly in rage: the reason why you can’t dig a hole through the earth and come up on the other side is because your shovel would melt. that’s it. that’s the only reason.

izuna, a dumbass: what if you bring a second shovel that you chilled beforehand to make it cold

tobirama, lowering his hands in defeat: yeah that’ll work 

——

obito, looking at kakashi like he hung the stars in the sky: okay, babe— fuck, i mean— i meant bro

kakashi, sighing fondly: mhmm.

——

izuna, looking at a beware poster of touka: who’s this?

madara, warily: senju touka. third in command behind your rival.

izuna, humming: she’s pretty.

madara, furrowing his brows: she’s dangerous.

izuna, starting to grin: now she’s even more pretty.

——

[butsuma bringing tobirama with him to an alliance meeting]

hatake matriarch, pinching tobirama’s cheeks: oh! how cute are you! where is your brother?

tobirama: [looks at butsuma]

butsuma: [nods]

tobirama, turning his attention back to her: i am an only child, ma’am.

——

izuna, in tobirama’s arms, sobbing dramatically: hold me

tobirama, quirking a brow: i am holding you.

izuna, clutching tobirama harder and wailing: hold me like you mean it

——

[that one todoroki comic]

izuna, from across the battlefield the minute both parties catch sight of each other: HEY, MOTHERFUCKER

tobirama, immediately dropping half the nakano on him: i have fucked no mothers.

——

[foreboding]

obito, bored, poking kakashi repeatedly while rin frantically signals for him to stop: heeeey, make a joke

kakashi, offhandedly: your mother already did

obito, lowly and ominously: you’ll be compost in my new world.

——

academy teacher, raging: DO YOU EVEN KNOW BASIC MATH? DO YOU KNOW ADDITION? WHAT’S TWO PLUS TWO? OBITO, WHAT’S TWO PLUS TWO?

obito: [panicking silently because he wasn’t paying attention]

kakashi, leaning in from behind obito and whispering: seven

obito, blurting out: SEVEN

——

lee: do u want a protein shake bro?

naruto: nah bro

lee: why bro?

naruto: because you’re the only thing that gives me strength bro 

lee, crying: bro.

——

hashirama, in the afterlife: how was being hokage, tsuna?

tsunade, sniffing in disdain: i handled the position better than you ever did, grandfather.

tobirama and mito: [high five her where she’s tilting her hands up behind her back]

——

hashirama, with all of the gravitas he inherited from his parents: now, we shall have to discuss...

hashirama, whirling around and jabbing his hands in tobirama and madara’s direction: this.

[bonus]tobirama, genuinely confused: but he said no homo tho??

hashirama, throwing his arms up in exasperation: well he lied

——

izuna, flicking the lights on and off repeatedly: haha first one to have a seizure loses!♡

——

tobirama’s would-be murderers finally showing up after sending their threat letter: any last words?

tobirama, tearing up in relief: thank you so much

Chapter Text

kakashi, in the afterlife: am i in hell?

minato, snickering and poking him: no. if you were in hell you’d be on the throne and the devil would be packing, you little shit.

——

tobirama: why is being alive so expensive? im not even having a good time

——

izuna, sobbing as 1901 starts playing: tobi,,, tobi where’s my stripper pole,,,

——

ino: everyone who was a “pleasure to have in class” has an anxiety disorder now.

everyone: [turns to look at hinata]

hinata, chin up defensively: wrong. ive had one since day one

——

[d,,,dattebayo]

mito, after a diplomatic meeting, having a fit and venting to tobirama and izuna: —and then he called me a bitch! indirectly!

izuna and tobirama, gasping: he didn’t. 

mito, jabbing a finger into one of their chests: believe it. 

——

[canonical character death? haven’t seen you in years]

hashirama, wailing: why did you have to kill izuna?! now we definitely have no chance at peace!

tobirama, mainly thinking about when izuna insulted hashirama’s bowl cut when they were like 8: hm. how sad

——

[magical girl? boy? what? au]

tobirama, with dead eyes, voice flat, striking a pose so reluctantly his arms aren’t even properly lifted: ........in the name of the the senju.......☆.....

——

tenten, suddenly awake at 3am: that swing had more screen time than me.

——

tobirama, through a note via hawk: i messed up with the hiraishin.

touka, frowning, replying: which state are you in now?

tobirama: a panicked one.

——

itachi: [does the thing]

sasuke: ow my thrussy :(

itachi, dropping him immediately: your fucking WHAT

——

mito, staring their enemies straight in the eye: your blatant abandonment issues and fear of failure make you vulnerable to cheap intimidation tactics, leading you to project your insecurities onto your opponents. furthermore,

hashirama, holding her shoulders, close to tears, while tobirama just checks his nails: mito! you can’t just expose their insecurities and emotional weaknesses in the middle of a fight, we talked about this!

——

shisui, with the uchiha police, staring at a bigass puddle: gasoline?

obito, humming: im pretty sure that’s water.

shisui, with a shit-eating grin: only one way to tell!

shisui: [snatches the passerby sandaime’s pipe]

shisui: [throws the contents into the puddle while the sandaime gives a longsuffering sigh]

puddle: [bursts into flames]

itachi, whirling to face him: THERE WERE MORE WAYS TO TELL

——

gai, placing a tub of protein powder in front of pre-gai-corruption lee: if you’re gonna be a shinobi you’re gonna need some sick gains

Chapter Text

izuna, cackling: where have you been all my life

tobirama, grimacing: hiding from you

——

tobirama: truth or dare?

madara, not wanting to be a coward: dare.

tobirama, looking him straight in the eye: i dare you to go home.

touka, izuna, mito and hashirama: [all burst out laughing]

——

tobirama, sliding mito a picture of a divided cell, mouth twitching: mito, sis. look at this.

mito, giving him the emptiest look known to shinobi kind: i can’t believe you.

[bonus] tobirama, under his breath, reflexively: believe it.

——

mito: hashirama, do you really think i’m royalty?

hashirama: you know i do.

mito: then stop bossing me around.

tobirama: [silently adds a tally under mito’s name]

——

mito, frowning at a play: this character would never realistically fight in that outfit

touka, a disaster bi, sighing dreamily as she zones in on said character: tiddies. hot

——

tobirama, softly, to kagami: as long as you’re learning, you’re not failing.

everyone in the vicinity, including kagami: [tears up]

——

tobirama, standing behind a podium: [staring at hiruzen warily]

hiruzen, to the side: [looks at him expectantly]

tobirama:

tobirama, sighing: mothers and fuckers of the jury, 

——

hashirama and co.’s carriage: [almost half off a cliff]

izuna, at the top of his lungs: OH MY GOD TOBI, BACK IT UP

tobirama, growling: really, izuna? i thought i might go forward. i thought that might be a fun thing to do

mito, madara, touka and hashirama, screaming: NOT THE TIME, TOBIRAMA 

——

kagami, sticking his chest out proudly to tell a fun fact, but this time in the hokage office: because there are always pregnant people, the average number of skeletons in a body is higher than one

hashirama, snapping his gaze up from his papers, honestly fucking perplexed, as tobirama smirks faintly at him across the room: i... what?

——

hashirama, frowning: we have to tell him the rabbit died.

tobirama, who actually dotes more on his little brothers: what? no!

tobirama, sucking in a breath: itama, your pet rabbit ran away.

itama, tearing up: why?

hashirama, crying: he didn’t want you to see him die

tobirama: HASHIRAMA 

Chapter Text

kid tsunade, snickering: my future husband is gonna have the coolest wife. you go dude

[bonus, because i’m mean] adult tsunade, finally letting go of dan’s corpse, staring at her bloody hands: ...nevermind.

——

izuna, the guy who got stabbed: what are you gonna do, stab me?

——

madara: you wanna listen to sicko mode or mo bamba?

hashirama, squinting: ?????????

——

izuna, with tobirama, staring at a store shelf: ...so which one do we get?

tobirama: ask her?

izuna: what the hell am i supposed to say? ‘aight babe i’m in the pad aisle what size pussy you wear?’???

tobirama: yeah?

izuna: no

——

kid hashirama, praying, while tobirama listens through a crack in the door: i need someone to be my friend... 

hashirama: maybe send me an angel.

hashirama: the nicest angel you have.

scene: [cuts to madara laughing manically as he dunks izuna into the koi pond]

——

[because this joke is funny even if it’s been used like three times throughout this fic]

naruto, indignant: kakashi-sensei, you tricked me into paying the bill! i cant believe you! 

kakashi, offhandedly, not looking away from his book: believe it.

——

[that one fic]

an uzumaki: [flirting with tobirama]

tobirama: [subtly trying and failing to direct the conversation somewhere else]

hashirama, watching the entire thing while glaring: thot patrol, come in.

madara, izuna, touka and mito, nodding sharply: roger.

——

izuna: [purposely trips in front of touka] 

izuna: oh no...i’ve fallen...

touka, not doing anything to help: yeah.

——

mito, with her hand on her forehead: i have this headache that comes and goes.

madara: [walks in]

mito, grimacing: there it is again

——

sasuke, during a written test in the academy: [looks at the first question on the page]

sasuke: [hears sakura quietly saying ‘fuck’ beside him]

sasuke: [starts sweating]

——

tobirama, stayed up all night talking about fuinjutsu with mito, with visible eye bags, dazed: i drink tonight

mito, similarly wrecked and unfocused: i drink 

tobirama: you drink with me

mito: i drink with you

tobirama: we drink

hashirama, watching the exchange, baffled, as touka chuckles at them: what...?

——

izuna’s ghost: [makes clunking noises in the living room to scare tobirama]

tobirama, lives with matatabi and allows the local cats to roam his house: i better not catch you making a mess in there!

izuna’s ghost: [nervously moves to the kitchen]

——

gaara: [wakes up]

gaara, almost came to a thrilling conclusion on his dream’s storyline: goddamnit.

——

genin tenten, grabbing neji by the shoulders and looking him straight in the eye: sometimes the stupid bitch in your life is you.

——

sasuke, clenching his fists: i’m going to take revenge on konoha by destroying it.

kakashi, idly spinning a kunai: maa, that sounds like ligma.

sasuke, blinking: what’s ligma?

naruto and sakura: [start snickering]

——

tsunade: if i die my funeral’s gonna be the biggest fucken party and you’re all invited

orochimaru, raising a brow: if?

jiraiya, throwing his arms up: great, the only party i’ve ever been invited to and she might not even die

[bonus] jiraiya, as the years pass, watching tsunade not age by a bit: fuck. fuckfuckfuckfu

——

[doctor!tobirama pt.3]

tobirama: what seems to be the problem?

matatabi: meow

tobirama: yes but where

Chapter Text

kid kakashi, on a sugar high, as sakumo, minato and jiraiya worry over him: my heart has either stopped completely or is beating so fast that i can’t feel my pulse

——

team 7, about to go for their first psych eval, nervous: what do we do, sensei?

kakashi, literally one of the most, if not the most, traumatized characters in the entire series: i dunno, try to be honest with ur therapist but not so honest that you get involuntarily hospitalized lol

[bonus] sasuke, nodding in understanding: hn.

naruto, nodding rapidly: i get you!

sakura, with no tragic backstory, except maybe her forehead: ??????

——

hashirama: i told my wife she should embrace her mistakes

hashirama, eyes watering: and then she gave me a huge hug

——

tobirama, channeling the power of ominous positivity, clapping izuna on the shoulder: you will be okay. you have no choice.

——

izuna, entirely confident: stab wound? you mean extra pocket

tobirama: [puts his head in his hands]

——

izuna: im so stressed out! only a blowjob can help me relax

touka: where the fuck are you going to find dick to suck at this time of night?

——

[the chaotically pretty and prettily chaotic trio having a gossip session while everyone else is gone cause this, lads, is brot3]

izuna, proudly: flirting is part of my heritage!

mito, amused: oh? what do you mean?

tobirama, sipping his tea: his mother was a slut too

——

tobirama, to tsunade: this is my ex-boyfriend, madara

madara, bristling: i told you to stop calling me that!

madara, huffing and turning to tsunade, who is snickering: i’m his husband.

——

[konoha 12 sleepover]

kiba, lying on his futon, whispering loudly: ...wake me up!

tenten, grinning: —wake me up inside!

naruto, loudly: —save meee!

lee: [opens his mouth to continue]

neji, sitting up with a glare: [throws his pillow onto lee’s face to shut him up]

everyone: 

everyone:

everyone:

hinata, quietly, but breaking through the silence: save me from the nothing i’ve become 

everyone, but mostly neji who is screaming out of frustration rather than excitement: AAAAAAAAAA

——

hashirama, bored: izuna! fuck, marry, kill. me, mito and tobirama

izuna, not even having to stop and think: marry mito, fuck tobirama and kill you

tobirama, snapping his gaze up from his papers, flustered: what?

izuna, blankly but starting to sweat: what?

hashirama, just really confused: what?

mito, flatly as she pauses in sipping her tea: i want a divorce.

——

sakura: my parents aren’t home ;)

sasuke, bitterly: don’t worry, they’ll come back

——

madara: i make sure all of izuna’s snacks are organic!

tobirama: that’s cool. hashirama eats sweets off the floor sometimes 

——

tobirama, looking at a weasel caught in a trap somewhere on senju grounds: haha

izuna, in the uchiha compound: [breaks out into a cold sweat]

——

[tobirama gets put under a genjutsu by touka cause they were bored]

tobirama, lying down in a field surrounded by snow leopards: im in heaven. 

tobirama, frowning: lacking only...

hashirama, touka, izuna, mito and kagami: [suddenly appear by his side via genjutsu]

tobirama, smiling pleasantly: hm.

tobirama, face blanking again, raising his head up slightly: [looks across the field]

tobirama: [sees two gravestones marked ‘butsuma’ and ‘madara’]

tobirama, dropping his head back down on his summon’s fur in relief: perfect.

 

Chapter Text

tsunade, pointing to a spine model: so this is your spine

konohamaru: HEY PUT IT BACK 

——

itachi, still hosting that really awkward party from chapter 3: are you not entertained? is this not why you are here?

——

izuna, to tobirama and mito, after a diplomatic meeting, idly holding a cup of tea: i did meet some of the most insufferable people. but, they also met me

——

itachi, swishing his akatsuki cloak: my job here is done

sasuke, squinting: but you didn’t do anything 

itachi: [flares his cloak dramatically and disappears]

——

tobirama and mito, sending a picture of them enjoying their time in the beaches of uzushio: out here living our best lives!

izuna, frowning and replying: is that hashirama drowning back there?

tobirama and mito’s reply note: this isn’t about him.

——

kidnapper, on the phone: i have your child.

kakashi, lazily: which one?

kidnapper: uhhh... the quiet one?

kakashi, turning just in time to see naruto tackling sai in a rage while sakura eggs him on, with yamato trying and failing to separate them: i have none of the sort

——

hashirama, cradling a red and brown splotch in his hands and crying: oh no... i stepped on a ladybug... i’m so sorry little guy...

touka, leaning into tobirama’s ear and whispering: are we gonna tell him that was a red smartie?

——

naruto: [accidentally hits sasuke way too hard while training]

sasuke, clutching his bloody nose: you wanna fucking die?!

naruto, under his breath: kinda

sasuke, in a soft voice: hey, we talked about this

——

younger ayame, as team minato eat in ichiraku’s: surrounded by all of you shinobi, my only talent is breathing

rin, pausing: ...don’t you have asthma?

——

izuna: [gets stabbed]

izuna, staring at the 1m long blade stuck in his gut as tobirama and the other medics sprint over to him: are you gonna want this back or can i keep it?

——

madara: [does anything]

mito: am i a joke to you?

——

tobirama: [dunks izuna’s head into a fountain and holds it there]

mito, unfazed: what are you doing?

tobirama, humming: gentle persuasion

——

ami, that generic bully in the academy we never saw again: my teacher gave me a 69 on the test last week. think he’s tryna tell me something?

iruka, passing by, under his breath: tryna tell your ass to pay the fuck attention 

——

madara: did you eat my milk duds??

hashirama, silently chewing for 7 mins and then finally swallowing: first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations 

Chapter Text

 

tobirama, lawyer voice: the prosecution makes a compelling argument 

tobirama, gesturing to touka: but have you considered this

touka: [puts middle finger up]

——

tobirama, playing persona 5, distressed: huh? hm? HM?? i can’t date ryuji????

izuna, teacup slipping to the floor with a smash: WHAT??

——

tobirama, tiredly: just...ugh.

mito: ugh?

izuna: ugh.

touka, walking in: so are you three doing some kind of fucked up caveman role play or

all three of them: NO

——

[during the preshippuden timeskip]

ino, staring wistfully at sakura as she works: but she’s definitely straight, tsunade-sama

tsunade, scoffing: so is spaghetti until it’s wet

——

[pt. 2 of ‘nobody will ever believe you’]

madara: [looks across the table]

madara: [sees mito fortnite dancing behind everyone’s back as she stares him directly in the eye]

madara: [starts hyperventilating]

——

touka’s mom: someday, you’ll have feelings for boys

5 y/o touka: i already have feelings for them

touka’s mom, blinking: really?

touka, huffing: they make me mad

——

someone from some bitchass clan, about tobirama: his coloring... it’s demonic... i’m sorry, but it’s so ugly

izuna and mito, giving them a pitying look and a pat on the shoulder: don’t apologize. you didn’t choose to be blind.

——

mito: [is unconscious]

hashirama, distraught: mito isn’t breathing!

mito: [opens eyes]

hashirama: [turns to listen to an amused voice behind him]

hashirama: that’s right, tobi! i’ll give her mouth to mouth

mito: [closes eyes]

——

touka, solemnly: izuna’s ass may not be thicc, but his heart is.

tobirama, offhandedly: you’re right. he has heart disease

——

[that bnha winter comic strip horikoshi drew]

izuna, laughing as he throws snowballs at kagami: haha, h-

izuna: [head gets thrown back with the force of a blunt object]

izuna, with a huge bruise forming on his temple: [turns around and watches blankly as tobirama glowers at him, pouring water on a snowball]

Chapter Text

touka: im gonna fight the next person who insults my cousin

tobirama, later, sighing at his paperwork: im such an idiot

touka, bursting into his office: ALRIGHT, SQUARE UP YOU BITCH

——

madara, slamming his hands on his desk and glaring at a snickering izuna: i haven’t lost my virginity because i never lose.

——

[time travel au]

izuna, gulping as he sees tsunade: oh no, she’s hot

hashirama, ripping through time-space through sheer willpower: THATS MY GRANDDAUGHTER YOU FUCKING BAST—

——

izuna: that a knife in your pocket or are you just happy to see me ;)

tobirama: [pulls out kunai]

——

kakashi, humming: what should i get at ichiraku’s?

sasuke, in his vengeful brat stages: killed

——

izuna: are you okay? i heard you crying last nigh—

tobirama, glowering: the only cries i utter are war cries.

——

tobirama, on a carriage with hashirama and co. with izuna as driver, trying to avoid a pothole: to the left

izuna: take it back now y’all

carriage: [hits the pothole straight on]

——

touka: what if you woke up one day and you were hot?

hashirama, scratching his head: i dunno, i’d probably open the window or something 

——

genma, during sex: what’s wrong?

raidou: nothing

genma, taking off his clown nose: no tell me

——

sasuke: do you know... do you KNOW what it’s like? to be AFRAID of YOURSELF?

kakashi, thinking about that time when he was 7 when kushina kept giving him bowls of ramen and he kept having to eat them in one go so she couldn’t see his face: god dude i sure do

——

hashirama: alright! we’re all friends here! let’s just hug it out!

hashirama and co.: [uncomfortable group hug over the meeting table]

izuna, one eye cracking open: alright, who stole my wallet?

tobirama, passing something to mito behind hashirama’s back: sorry

——

hikaku, watching as izuna gets dragged towards the uchiha koi pond by madara: i just want to say from the bottom of my heart

hikaku, looking directly into the camera(?) as izuna gets dunked into said pond by madara: that i didn’t sign up for any of this shit

——

sakura, again far too influenced by kakashi: believe it or not god is gay

shizune, reluctantly tearing her gaze away from a medical scroll: elaborate on that

sakura: no.

Chapter Text

 

obito: [wakes up from the nap he didn’t even know he was taking]

——

mito, pouring a cup of tea with shaky hands as izuna and tobirama watch, after hashirama and madara have done the regular dumbass shit: this is going to fix Everything 

——

minato: what do you want to be when you’re older?

4 y/o kakashi, haughtily: worshipped

[bonus] 30 y/o kakashi: [stares blankly after he’s declared tsunade’s successor]

——

tobirama, to madara, probably: i’m saying i would rather kiss you than die. that’s a compliment

——

izuna, indignantly: hey! i can dance!

tobirama: you shouted ‘can’t arrest these sick moves!’

mito: and then you fell to the floor and started convulsing to the cha cha slide.

——

tobirama, at some point probably: all you need is love. false. the four basic human necessities are air, water, food and shelter

——

hashirama, distraught: how long? how long have i been ugly?

touka, with no context, unsympathetic: for as long as i can remember. you poor ugly thing, you.

——

hashirama: guy says something mean to me?

hashirama: i don’t care!

hashirama: guy says something mean to my little brother?

hashirama: ITS BEAT DOWN! TIME!

——

madara: uh. what kind of tea is this?

kagami: oh! i boiled some salt water.

——

gokage minus tsunade: [start harmonizing]

tsunade, to the background music, @ madara: shut the hell up, bitch. go kill yourself. go sit in the middle of the road and let a car run over you. you’re ugly, you’re disgusting, i’m gonna kill you. you’re an alchoholic.

——

hikaku: do you ever think before you speak?

izuna: yes. i think, “haha, that’s funny,” and then i say it

——

shizune: i just want someone to take me out 

sakura: like on a date or assassination?

shizune: surprise me

——

iruka, going over the academy fire drill even though they don’t really need it: in the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

naruto: uhhh... large ones?

——

hashirama: why are your tongues purple?

tobirama, passing a blue slushie to mito discreetly, beside madara who is trying really hard to finish a red slushie before hashirama sees it: no reason.

——

shizune, completely serious: let’s get this bread.

tsunade, a boomer, pulling at her hair: what the fuck does that even mean

——

desk shinobi a: god, tobirama is such a square.

everybody in the vicinity: [pauses]

desk shinobi a: ...what?

desk shinobi b, from the back of the room: were you not there yesterday when he had a fistfight with the head of police while lady mito and uchiha izuna cheered him on?

Chapter Text

izuna, doing the universal ‘ok’ sign: i am. this close to a mental breakdown at all times

madara, squinting: your fingers are touching?

izuna: :)

——

izuna, to tobirama: if we knew each other back then, do you think we could have been friends, too?

——

izuna, in the dressing room with tobirama: ooh, that one is cute on you!

tobirama, idly checking the tag: yes. but is it cute enough to destroy madara’s whole life?

——

senju elder: you cannot! that is breaking tradition!

hashirama, scowling: tradition is just peer pressure from dead people

——

kid hashirama: [hears knocking in the middle of the night]

hashirama: who’s there?!

itama, calling him from the other side of the door: hashirama?

hashirama: I’M HASHIRAMA YOU LIAR

——

izuna: science puns, go!

tobirama: you must have a pH of 13, because you’re basic as fuck.

mito: he said puns, not outright homicide.

——

kid iruka, in a cell in the uchiha police station, trying to intimidate his cellmate: y-you wanna know why they call me mitochondria?

——

touka: vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so the only logical conclusion is that baby oil—

hashirama, with his head in his hands: for once, can we have a nice family dinner? please?

tobirama: no. let her speak.

——

touka: did you bring your wallet?

izuna: [slaps his ass so hard the entire cafe can hear it]

izuna: yeah

——

izuna: [enjoying a nice fish dinner]

the aquarium security: fucking

——

tenten: hit the lights!

lee: [punches the light switch so hard it breaks]

——

izuna: i dare you to kiss the prettiest girl in the room.

izuna: and notice how i charitably said “girl” and not “person.”

izuna: because let’s face it, i’d smoke all you bitches.

——

touka: wow, who died and made you king?

hashirama: my father

——

“sorry!” - senju hashirama, shodaime hokage, to the table he bumped into

——

shizune: i hope everyone is having a day!

tsunade: easily one of the days i’ve had all week

Chapter Text

izuna: i’ve connected the two dots

tobirama: you didn’t connect shit

izuna: i’ve connected them

——

kagami, to hashirama, who is sinking down in his chair across the dining table: your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

[bonus]

izuna, staring intently at his plate, quietly to himself: that’s where you’re wrong, brat.

madara, harshly, under his breath: don’t you dare.

——

hashirama: here you go, nice hot cup of tea!

mito: it’s cold

hashirama: nice cup of tea

mito: it’s horribly watered down

hashirama: cup of tea

mito: i’m not even sure if this is tea

hashirama: cup

——

hashirama: tobi, have you seen my waste-paper basket?

tobirama, staring at him through stainless steel mesh: ask me that again and look into my eyes.

——

jiraiya: hah, hitting for both teams?

kakashi, sniffing in disdain : i’m making both teams hit for me

[bonus]

tsunade, amused: you too?

obito: i-i make both teams hit me!

tsunade: [snorts]

——

iruka: this assignment is easy, just write about your happiest childhood memory!

naruto: my what now

hinata, quietly: my what now

kakashi, who is hovering near the window on ANBU duty, under his breath: my what now

——

tsunade: WHO ATE MY FRIES?

tsunade: I’M GONNA FUCKING KI—

nawaki: i did.

tsunade: —kiss you and buy you some more. you haven’t been eating enough, honey

——

kakashi: there’s a wolf

genma: where?

kakashi: no the regular kind

——

hinata, clenching her fist: girls don’t want boys, girls want naruto-kun to be acknowledged like he deserves and continue to inspire others

——

shizune: here are the papers you need to sign, kakashi-sama

kakashi, rokudaime: oh yeah let me just [takes out glitter gel pen]

——

kiba, after falling on top of shino: uhhhhhhhhhh no homo

shino, unfazed: you have been to my home.

——

tobirama, an albino: some guy just called me a pussy for putting on sunscreen. imagine thinking you’re tougher than the sun? the fucking sun?

——

iruka, helping out with the desk shinobi: this is the third time you’ve been late to report this week! do you know what this means?!

kakashi, eye-smiling: ...that it’s wednesday?

Chapter Text

izuna: i’m gonna finally reveal my fetish

izuna: it’s love

mito, squinting from across the tea table: izuna you’re into piss and we all know it

——

izuna: i wasn’t hurt that badly!

izuna: tobirama said all the bleeding was internal

izuna: that’s where the blood’s supposed to be!

hikaku: [puts his head in his hands]

——

kushina, fresh from uzushio: what’s this place called?

jiraiya: the forest of dea—

minato: [stares at him ominously]

jiraiya: the uh, forest of health

kushina, oblivious: what? lame!

——

iruka: did you all get enough sleep?

hinata:

sasuke:

shikamaru:

kiba:

ino:

naruto: sometimes my eyes close when i sneeze.

——

mito, at the annual shinobi contest: my husband will be cheering for me.

madara, rising to the bait: haah?! that damn fool will be cheering for me!

hashirama, who was immediately eliminated upon entering because he’s the hokage, choking back tears: fuck you guys, i wanted to win

——

tobirama: i have feelings for you.

izuna: i have feelings for you too.

narrator: the feeling was called ‘friendship.’ neither of them had ever felt it before

——

kakashi, @ wave: you look like my first husband.

zabuza, pausing: you’ve been married before?

kakashi, eye-smiling: no.

——

lee, staring blankly at a pot of curry: ingredience...

——

tobirama: get out of the way. you’re blocking the view

izuna: honey, i am the view

——

shizune, giving kakashi his mission scroll: have a safe trip!

kakashi: i have no say in the matter

shizune: die then.

——

tobirama, standing in the uchiha compound’s front garden, reading robotically off a scrap of paper mito gave to him while giggling: i don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re in love with me.

madara:

izuna:

kagami:

hikaku:

the entirety of the uchiha clan: shit

——

genma: lacing his fingers together: men are trash, and i’m a garbage collector.

——

madara: go fuck yourself!

tobirama, drawling: fuck me yourself, coward.

——

naruto: can’t you guys just see this how i see it?!

sakura: [crouches down]

sasuke: [gets down on his knees]

naruto:

naruto: i hate you both

——

kagami: why aren’t koalas considered bears?

tobirama: because they’re marsupials.

kagami:

tobirama:

tobirama, sighing heavily as he looks heavenward: they don’t have the koalafications.

——

sakura: sticks and stones may break my bones, but—

ino, clenching her fist: —chains and whips excite me

——

hashirama: thank you for coming to my hashirama talk

mito: they... they don’t name it after each individual person

hashirama, indignant: well why should ted get all the talks

——

sasuke: eight letters. three words. say it and i’m yours.

naruto:

naruto, squinting: eight letters three w—

sasuke, running a hand over his face: —no.

——

tobirama: if i am killed by some murderer, do not prosecute that murderer.

tobirama: they caught me slipping.

tobirama, nodding solemnly to himself: that is on me.

——

genin kushina: jail’s no fun, i’ll give you that

minato, tilting his head: you’ve been to jail?

kushina, pursing her lips: once, in monopoly

——

neji, in a fit of rage, at some point: DON’T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS? I’M JUMPING. I’VE JUMPED. I’VE LANDED.

——

tobirama: what do you think is the height of stupidity?

mito: what was the average height between hashirama and madara again?

——

gaara: why would someone want to harm the rokudaime?

everyone who has been in or is representing konoha at the meeting, collectively: maybe because they met him?

——

hiruzen: you promise you didn’t get me bees again?

homura and koharu, from a distance: just open it!

——

kakashi: i’d rather die.

shizune: than...?

kakashi: no, that’s it

——

tobirama: [sneaks in wearing a huge coat]

touka: what’s with the coat?

tobirama’s coat: [meows]

tobirama: drugs.

——

kakashi: what’s your biggest fear

sasuke, averting his gaze: ...losing my loved ones.

kakashi, flinching and hiding a box behind his back: maa, okay, let’s address that

[bonus]

tsunade: what’s your biggest fear

sakura: failure in a situation i’m needed the most?

tsunade, pulling out a box with a tarantula in it: guess again bitch

——

hashirama: you’re smiling! has something good happened?

tobirama: what? can’t i just smile because i want to?

mito: izuna tripped and fell on our way here.

tobirama: [grins involuntarily]

——

gai: now shake it, lee!

lee: [shimmies]

tenten: he... he meant the container,  lee

Chapter Text

obito: kakashi and i are dating.

everybody, including kakashi: [shocked gasp]

——

hashirama: i’m a confident driver!

madara, sprawled on the rest of hashirama and co. in the back: you just crashed the carriage into a fucking tree!

hashirama: confidently!

——

shikamaru: i think you’re shit

temari: >:(

shikamaru: the shit.

temari:

temari: :)

——

hashirama: quick! he’s losing a lot of blood! we need a transfusion! what’s his blood type?!

tobirama: b-positive

hashirama: i’m trying but he’s losing so much blood!

——

tenten: god, im such an idiot. i’m like the dumbest person ever.

neji, without context: you are quite a fool.

tenten, somberly: Senju Tobirama Wants What I Have

——

nobody:

ino: gonna cry? gonna piss your pants maybe? maybe shit and cum?

——

obito, nervous: how would you tell someone you like them?

rin, clueless: i’d say you just tell them!

obito: okay.

obito: i like you.

rin, flicking a thumb up: yeah! just like that!

obito: what no— i like you

rin: uh huh! they should get the hang of it!

obito: no...i like you...

rin, giggling: how stupid is the person that you’re confessing to that they don’t understand multiple times?

obito:

[bonus]

kakashi, kushina and minato, listening to the exchange from behind a bush: [biting down so hard on their laughter that their faces have gone red]

——

yamato: what are you doing

sai, smiling dopily at him: smokeing we’d

——

kakashi, grabbing the boys by the scruff: why do you two always fight over stupid shit?

naruto and sasuke, simultaneously: because he says stupid shit

——

madara: that’s ridiculous. tobirama doesn’t have a crush on me.

mito, staring tiredly at her teacup: yes he does.

izuna, continuing to throw shuriken at a target: yes he does.

hashirama, watering his garden with a small smile: yes he does.

touka, hands stilling as she sharpens her naginata: yes he does.

tobirama, not even looking up from a medical scroll: yes i do.

——

anko, bored, to the whole jounin squad lounging in reception: what’s the gayest thing you’ve ever done?

raidou, glowering at a shogi board as asuma radiates smugness from across him: his name is genma, and it’s very rude to call him a thing.

genma, jumping to his feet from where kurenai and aoba are messing with his hair: HEY

——

tenten, cupping neji’s face: i see something beautiful every time i look into your eyes.

neji, glare lessening slightly: ...what?

tenten: my reflection.

neji:

neji: [runs after tenten who is already halfway across the training ground]

Chapter Text

kakashi, eye-smiling up at obito, who has tripped and is now consequently sprawled on top of him: don’t get me wrong, that is indeed a knife in my pocket, but i’m still happy to see you.

——

minato: so how much did you score on the written test?

obito, twitching: uh, a hundred!

minato, smiling: whoa, really? and you, kakashi? rin?

kakashi and rin: [hold up sheets marked 1600/1600 and 1300/1600 respectively]

——

touka: look, i’m going to be frank

hashirama: okay, but can i still be hashirama?

——

izuna: my kink is when people actually care about my feelings and what i have to say

tobirama: unrealistic. stick to bondage and choking like the rest of us

——

naruto, in a messily scrawled note: hey bastard i just caught my daughter vaping,i am shaking gplease respond

sasuke, has been gone for 12ish years: wait you have another child?

naruto’s note, in significantly better handwriting: not anymore i took care of it

——

boruto, confused: shino-sensei told me to remind you that caffeine raises your anxiety levels

hinata, hands shaking and heart pounding: okay, that sounds fake but,,,okay

——

izuna: i will put my ‘A’ down to spell ‘A’

tobirama: and i will put down my ‘T’ to spell ‘AT’

mito, glancing at madara: and i will add onto your ‘AT’ to spell ‘BIOSTRATIGRAPHIC’

madara: [flips the board]

——

anko: [fingerguns]

kakashi: pull the trigger coward

——

mito: is there anyone here who’s actually straight

izuna: [raises his hand]

touka: [puts his hand down]

——

kakashi: i think i’m having a midlife crisis

jiraiya: you’re like 15

kakashi: i might die at 30

——

kurenai, teaching kiba to drive: okay, you’re driving and hinata and shino walk onto the road. quick, what do you hit?

kiba, frowning: oh, definitely shino. i could never hurt hinata

kurenai, massaging her temples: the brakes, kiba. you hit the brakes

——

tsunade, with the hokage hat lazily positioned on her head: ‘ladies and gentlemen’ is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly i’m falling asleep already.

tsunade, eyeing scuff marks on the ground: ‘cowards’, on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, casual and fun, short and to the point, exciting, and dramatic.

——

izuna, dumping his weapons into tobirama’s arms as he enters a civilian hardware store: alright, i’ll be back in a few. you just stand there and look sexy

izuna, glancing back, hand on the doorknob: yeah, just like that. you’re doing your job perfectly

——

madara, snarling: careful, uzumaki. you wouldn’t like me when i’m angry.

mito, waving him off with a huff of amusement: bold of you to assume that i would ever like you

——

kid shizune, to her friends: due to personal reasons i will be disappearing under mysterious circumstances

tsunade, halfway down the road: hurry up!

——

the sandaime, walking into the hokage tower waiting room: ...what are you all doing?

everyone in the room: [glances at eachother]

anko, taking the lead: eating family sized bags of chips?

the sandaime, eyes hovering over the packets of chips, empty and unopened, scattered around the room: those are all fun-sized, intended-for-parties and not-to-be-sold-separately bags...those are not family sized

naruto, swatting kakashi’s and tenten’s hands away as they slowly approach his bag of chips: every bag of chips is family sized if you’re an orphan

the sandaime: [collapses from skyrocketing blood pressure]

Chapter Text

touka, who has been left in charge while the others are away on a mission: i apologize for saying fuck earlier.

kagami, on her lap, frowning: you just said it again...

touka, shrugging: i’m not a role model.

——

kakashi, recently promoted to jounin: so who’s in charge?

everyone in the jounin meeting room: [glances at eachother]

tsume: usually whoever shouts the loudest.

everyone: [murmurs of agreement]

——

genma: hey dude, what’s good?

kakashi: nothing

genma, laughing: i didn’t say what’s up, i said what’s good

kakashi, smiling snidely: nothing

——

naruto: I AM THE PARENT AND YOU ARE THE CHILD

boruto: [scoffs] duh bitch

——

sakura and sasuke: okay time for plan B

naruto: we uh, we had a plan A?

——

izuna, snapping his fingers in front of madara’s face: hey, hey!

izuna: i don’t cause problems.

izuna: i escalate them.

——

tobirama, @ hashirama: you have cried 43 times.

tobirama: and it’s not even 2:00 yet,

——

minato, imparting life advice: make love, not war

kakashi, rin and obito, simultaneously: fuck, don’t fight

——

mito: i want a baby

hashirama: i’m baby

——

kurama, pre-bond, @ naruto: are you tired of being nice?

kurama: don’t you just want to go apeshit?

——

death: i’ve come to take you

izuna, idly: wait a minute, let me ask tobi

death: you can’t—

izuna: he said no

——

kakashi, returning from anbu duty: [sneezes]

obito, stalking him from afar: bless you

kakashi, looking up: god?

——

touka: izuna you lying WHORE

izuna, spinning to face her, affronted: HEY

izuna: I’M NOT A LIAR

——

hinata, with akamaru in her arms: how long are we going to stand here and let him do that?

shino: ...just give him a minute.

kiba: [pushing on a door that clearly says pull]

Chapter Text

naruto: [gets a papercut]

hinata, shikamaru, iruka, literally everyone, clenching their fists: hasn’t he fucking been through enough?

——

mito, walking in: what are you doing?

madara, standing on hashirama’s desk: i work here, you know. i can stand wherever i want.

mito:

mito: where’s the spider?

madara: it’s under the table. please get it for me, please—

——

sasuke: i will destroy everything you love!

naruto: but what if i love you?

sasuke, immediately: then joke’s on you! i’ve been self-destructive since i was eight!

sasuke: [pauses]

sasuke: wait

——

ino, subbing for lee on a mission: i love this whole “good cop, bad cop” thing you two have going on

tenten: it’s not really a thing. it’s more like i’m nice and neji’s not.

——

madara: i did a bad thing.

izuna, idly flipping through tobirama’s journal: does it affect me?

madara: no.

izuna: then suffer in silence.

——

tobirama: that would go against my moral compass.

izuna: your moral compass is a fucking roulette wheel, tobi.

——

obito, pointing in accusation: you’d sell me to satan for a loaf of bread.

kakashi, glancing up from where he’s training: i would donate you.

rin and minato: [muffled snickers]

——

mito, about a vase hashirama won while gambling: tsunade dear, get that hideous thing out of the house, would you?

tsunade, without pause: grandpa, grandmother wants you out of the house

——

naruto: fight me!

kakashi, getting into stance: them’s fightin’ words

——

izuna: let’s just agree to say sorry on the count of three

izuna: one, two, three

tobirama:

izuna:

tobirama:

izuna: well now i’m just disappointed in the both of us

——

team minato: [kisses kakashi]

kakashi: what is this.

team minato: affection.

kakashi: disgusting.

kakashi:

kakashi: do it again.

team 7: [kisses sasuke]

sasuke: what is this.

kakashi, under his breath as naruto and sakura reply: oh my god

——

izuna: i can’t believe you and madara broke the bed!

touka: you two must have gone wild

madara: haha yeah...

[the night before]

tobirama, sleepily: i bet you can’t jump high enough to touch the ceiling

madara, snapping awake: the fuck i can’t! fuck you!!

——

sakura: i was thinking i’d do some magic—

ino: you? magic?

ino: sakuraaaaaa.

ino: it says talent  show.

——

rokudaime kakashi, searching the beach: sorry honey, doesn’t look like there’s any sand dollars left

young sarada: can’t the ocean just make more of them?

kakashi: and cause inflation? destroy the sand economy? use your head

——

madara, bursting in: FOUR MONTHS

hashirama: what’s he talking about?

mito: [smiles into her teacup]

madara: FOUR MONTHS YOU WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT

——

hinata: [sneezes]

kiba: you good bro?

[later]

shino: [sneezes]

kiba: jesus christ do you EVER shut the fuck UP?

——

sakura: sai’s too literal. metaphors are gonna go over his head.

sai: nothing would go over my head.

sai: my reflexes are fast. i would catch it.

——

asshole superior: were you dropped on your head as a child?!

naruto: bold of you to assume i was even held!

neji, hinata, and tenten: [high five him from behind]

——

sasuke, curtly: parental figure.

kakashi, ruffling his hair: problem child.

——

izuna: HEY, HEY—

tobirama, whispering: shhh. kagami’s sleeping.

izuna, whispering: sorry.

tobirama, whispering: what’s up?

izuna, whispering: there’s a fire.