The due notice was practically staring back at him as he stared at his desk, the hastily scribbled out accounting on a pad was a desperate attempt at making some form of budget and miserably failing. He was never good with numbers anyway, but the decline in audience was making this more impossible then it already was. He was barely making rent and food before.
Now he wasn’t even making rent. Not to mention the debt. William sighed and pulled his glasses off, folding them before reaching for his one desperately needed vice as he found the cheap packet of cigarettes, hidden under an earlier due notice.
The lighter at least was easier to find, he needed it for shows, and frankly while he probably shouldn’t be wasting the fuel… Life was a little easier when he had a moment to actually calm down.
He opened the one sad little window his room had and lit the cigarette up, hanging out the window to keep both of the rabbits out of the smoke as he breathed in, trying to suss out some sort of solution.
At least Jack’s latest postcard hadn’t arrived yet.
It left a guilty feeling in his stomach as he practically lied through his teeth to his sibling about how everything was going. That it was great and things were fine, you don't need to worry about me. The reality of it was that he was miserable and Jack kept trying to say that he was doing great, that William should take a break and come visit.
Instead, William looked down, past the suit he was still wearing because he was too anxious to change after seeing the new threat on his door, and to the ground.
He always could just jump. Get rid of all his problems in one fell swoop. His body was fragile, he could easily break his neck. Boom. Everything solved.
Really, what was the bloody point of all this. He tried and he tried and it all just ended badly anyway. He knew practically no one, he tried his best and honestly? He wasn’t dealing with stage fright, the act was solid, he hadn’t managed to fumble yet. Will had to admit he probably just wasn’t interesting enough. Wasn't funny enough. Wasn't handsome or clever enough. He never was.
Was he ever going to be enough? Was he ever going to make something of himself?
He doubted it, looking at the ground still as he took another drag, sighing. It wasn’t like anyone would really notice he was gone. Oh, sure, there would be a body, but no one would miss him immediately, and Jack probably wouldn’t notice for a while. They only communicated through letters. It would be months.
Though… he had two little nieces. He hadn’t had the chance to meet the twins yet, though he’s heard of their hi-jinx. Almost as bad as they were as kids, and one letter mentioned that they were excited to meet him (though more excited about the rabbits.) That they both loved the idea of magic (parlor tricks, really...) and wanted to hear about everything.
He sighed at the thought, and while holding the cigarette out the window, tapping the ash off, he turned to look at the little enclosure that held his two rabbits, they were snuggled up for the night. He hadn't fed them yet, he'd leave their food out later tonight because they'd both been through a day after tonight's miserably attended show.
As much trouble as they brought with them, he didn’t want to leave them alone. He didn’t want to leave Jack with the task of explaining to the twins that their uncle was gone. Shouldn’t leave Jack with questions or that pain. And then there was the debt... did family have to take up that burden, or would it die with him? He'd hope it would be the latter. It wasn't a huge amount if you had a steady job, but it'd still be food out of the girls' mouths. Still a good ding to the wallet. Was it really worth putting his burdens to his family?
But his chest felt heavy, he was so tired and empty and scared. William sighed again, looking up at the dark sky instead of the ground, at least trying to shake the thought and the want off with another inhale. At least with the cigarette, he only had to worry about the rabbit’s hay for tonight.
Will soon finished it off and extinguished the last bit of it before closing the window, shivering as he realized just how cold it was outside. There weren’t any good answers, and he doubted he’d figure anything out in the morning… but it was one more day.
He just had to keep going, right?