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Fear & Filth

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Levi couldn't forget it. Couldn't forget her. He couldn't. She was different from all the other women he had been with thus far.

She was fierce, challenging and just as strong as he was.

They had known each other for years, but it had only been since a few months ago that he started to fear her.

Fear for what she made him feel. He started by thinking about her more. At first it was to prepare their sparring matches, after some time because she had said something irritating, but before he realised, she was in his dreams, in his daydreaming and in his conscious thoughts. She was all over him.

And that scared him to no end. How could a person slip through all his barriers and stay within him so easily?

She made him feel sick, made him be distracted, made his thoughts wander off from the important things he should attend.

«It seems you're in love» said Hanji once, jokingly, but maybe they were true. Maybe that was love. Maybe that intoxicating, bacterial, shameful feeling was love. A dirty love, not that pure one which produces butterflies in the stomach.

He was never a good sleeper. He spent large part of the night roaming in the corridors, doing nothing a part from looking boredly at the walls. He sometimes overheard people having hushed conversations or moaning in the bedrooms, but he didn't pay attention to it.

One night he was in one of his walks when he heard steps coming his way. It was a bored pace, one that went nowhere, just like his. That made him become curious about to who belonged these steps.

With a surprised look in his face, he saw her coming into his sight. She was wearing her nightgown and looked at her feet as she walked without noticing him. Just the way she looked in that moment, made Levi shiver and feel filthy. But he swallowed that grime he was feeling and instead talked to her.

''Mikasa'' he said softly and quietly. She raised her head almost immediatly, opening her eyes wide in surprise.

''Levi'' she answered, just as quietly as him, but softer. She was always softer. Since she had been promoted to squad leader she had gained the right to use his name without the title and that made Levi restless.

''What are you doing in the hallways this late at night?'' he asked. He didn't pay attention to the soldiers that were out of their bedrooms past curfew, but if he faced one, he was obliged to say something.

''The same as you'' she answered. She didn't say it in a disrespectful way, but in a knowing one.

''You don't know what I'm doing'' he simply said, and crossed his arms.

''You can't sleep'' she said, shrugging her shoulders and smiling faintly. He made a face, of course she knew. He felt as if little by little, she was discovering all about him, reading all his expressions. He hoped she didn't read absolutely all of them, though. He didn't want her to look at him with a expression of disgust on her face, to hate him for what he thought about her.

''Yes'' he nodded. ''Why can't you sleep?'' he then asked. He realised then that they were having a hushed conversation and that made him smile deep inside.

''I don't know. Probably just one of those nights'' she said, not giving it any importance. «One of those nights», Levi hoped that his inability to sleep was also like that, like some sort of exception, just one of those nights.

''A nightmare?'' he asked. She shaked her head and then lowered her head, her hair covering her face. He looked at her, impressed about how, even if she could kill so many titans or people by herself, she still could look so delicate, like she was made of porcelain.

They stayed like that, in silence, for some time and then Mikasa raised her head, looking him directly in his eyes. This made his heart skip a beat and he felt as if he couldn't move at all. Her eyes struck him.

''Well...'' he said when he was able to recover from her eyes' hit. He felt he was sweating a lot and he just hoped for her to not notice.

''Yeah, we better go back to our bedrooms'' Mikasa said and Levi nodded, seeing how she turned around and started to walk away.

She was barefoot. Her body was, as he already had noticed, only covered in her nightgown, and her shoulders could be seen, together with her long neck, that was not wearing the usual red scarf. Levi looked at her as she went away, and had the urge to call out for her. But he didn't.

Although she was his sickness, his dreams and his nightmares, although she made him feel filthy and intoxicated and, most of all, although she was inside of him, stuck in his head, he wasn't going to call out for her.

But, stopping in her steps, she turned around, facing him. For a moment, Levi thought he had done what he didn't want to, that he had cried out a quiet «Mikasa», but no, he hadn't done anything like that.

''Why are you still there?'' she asked, tilting her head.

''Oh.'' Levi only said and he turned around to go back to his bedroom. But...

''Isn't your bedroom the other way?'' Mikasa said, clearly amused. Levi wasn't looking at her at the moment, but he knew she was smiling. He started to sweat even more.

''Yeah, yeah'' he mumbled nerviously as he turned around again and looked at her way. She was waiting there, paciently, with a smile on her face. The more he looked at her, the more he found her stunning. He started to walk towards her direction, both looking the other as he did so.

When he arrived where she was, they started to walk together, side by side, silently and slowly. Levi looked at her out of the corner of his eye. This always happened to him. Once he started staring at her, he couldn't stop. He never could stop anything that was about her. And that sole reason was why he had decided not to make a move on her. If they started, he knew he wouldn't be able to stop, to be away from her. He felt he would trap her and not let her go. And that scared him a lot, too.

Without him even noticing, they arrived at Levi's door and Mikasa smiled again as a sort of goodbye. Levi felt crushed, just like every time they were together and had to part ways. He felt too dependant on her.

However, Levi reached out the door knob. But, unfortunately, his arm touched her slightly. His heart started to beat faster than usual. He couldn't believe how just that small and accidental touch could make him go crazy.

Even though, he tried to put an unfazed expression and opened his door.

''Levi...'' Mikasa said gently and Levi had to repress every cell of his body to not throw himself on her to kiss her. His body screamed for him to get nearer her, to touch every part of her thoroughly.

''Yes?'' he said with the most calmed voice he could make. He was going crazy inside, but he couldn't let her know.

''It wasn't a nightmare'' she said. They were very close to each other, as she was between the door and him and he was still holding the knob in his hand. Levi felt like a glass full of water, and swore that one little drop could make him go rogue.

''What?'' Levi wasn't able to think at that moment.

''It wasn't because of a nightmare that I wasn't able to sleep'' she explained and let out a small sigh. Levi couldn't place why she had sighed, though.

''So... why?'' he asked. He wanted to get out of that hassle the sooner the better because his body was roaring more than usual and that couldn't be a good thing.

''I...'' Mikasa herself was having trouble articulating her words, and that made Levi even more curious about what she wanted to say. She was looking at her feet and looked embarrassed. Levi couldn't remember a single time when he had seen her looking embarrassed before.

Levi thought that probably the thing that was embarrassing her was the fact that he was more near her than he should be. He hated himself so much about not having thought that their closeness could disturb her before. He then tried to take a step back from her, hoping it would also help him ease the agitation he was having.

But before he could actually separate himself from her, Mikasa put her lips onto his.

Never before such a chaste kiss had done so much to him. He felt a shiver run through his body and his' body roaring feelings to touch her disappeared momentarily, like that was everything he had ever wanted from her. However, after some moments of just feeling pleasure from touching Mikasa's lips with his own, he felt what he had most feared – that was the trigger that made his body go rogue, that from now on, he wouldn't be able to stop.

Levi let go of the door knob and put his arms around Mikasa, pulling their bodies close together. The kiss intensified, and went from just their lips touching to their mouths clashing together, searching for more of the other.

Levi felt he couldn't think anymore, but when Mikasa separated herself from him, he was able to pull away and look at her.

''I dreamed of you'' Mikasa quickly said. Levi looked at her for a few seconds, not knowing what to say in answer. She was looking at him, too.

''And that's not a nightmare for you?'' he said at last jokingly, not sure that that was the best to say.

Mikasa didn't say anthing, but instead leaned forward getting closer to Levi to kiss him again and he knew he should warn her. Of how she was not only in his dreams, but also in his daydreaming and in his conscious thoughts. Of how he was so scared of her because of what she did to him and so scared of himself because what he could do to her. And how his feelings for her were intoxicating and, above all, filthy.

So, although unwillingly, he stopped Mikasa.

''Are you sure?'' he asked her. She looked at him not understanding. ''Why are you here for me? I'm not the best option'' «not the best option» was a way of putting how a bad idea was all of that that Levi wanted to do so bad.

''Do you want me to go with Jean? Or with Eren maybe?'' she said and that time, when she leaned against him again, he didn't stop her, letting all his feelings towards her keep hold of him.

He let himself be scared of what she could do to him with just an insignificant touch and he accepted that she made him forget everything else and made him feel shameful sensations.


When Mikasa woke up next morning she felt as if she had actually rested. When she opened her eyes the first she saw was the sun that went through the window and the first she felt was the hold of two strong arms from behind her.

She then remembered the events from the previous night and smiled to herself. She still couldn't believe that she had actually kissed him, but she was feeling restless and dirty and she felt he was feeling the same way, so she did so.

It had been some months, probably since when she was made captain of her own squad, that she had started feeling like that, nervous, fearful and filthy, when thinking about her former captain. She hadn't been sure it was a good idea, she still wasn't, but hadn't been able to stop when she noticed he was going to separate himself from her.

And now, when waking up next morning, she felt as if she had finally been disinfected of the dirt and put to rest.

She stirred her body and looked at Levi, who wasn't sleeping nor completely awake.

''Clean'' he murmured and snuggled more against her, and Mikasa watched as he relaxed his muscles and fell asleep again, a resting expression on his face.