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Adventures in Baking

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"There it is," Dex said. "Our artistic masterpiece."

Nursey gave the baking sheet a dubious look. The cookie was baked to perfection, he couldn't argue with that. And the frosting had been applied with absolute precision. But-- "Artistic masterpiece?"

Dex shrugged. "For me, this is the height of my skills."

"I'm not sure what it says about you that your artistic skills top out at realistic looking baked dicks."

"I'm really not sure this is a good idea," Chowder said before Dex could chirp back. "Bitty's gonna be mad."

"Bitty deserves it after keeping his relationship from us for so long," Dex said. "We didn't know about him and Jack until a full three hours after everyone else."

Chowder bit his lip. "He's gonna be so disappointed that we're using our powers for evil!"

Dex sighed. "Okay, one: baking is not a superpower."

Chowder made a noise of disagreement.

"Bitty's pies do taste kinda magical," Nursey said.

Dex rolled his eyes. "Okay. It's not my superpower, so clearly I'm not abusing it. I'm just… baking."


"Look, you were here when we came up with this idea, and when I made the dough and when Nursey shaped it into a dick, and when we took it out of the oven and when I put the frosting on. In fact, you're the one who said to put chocolate sprinkles on the balls to make it look like hairs."

"It's more realistic," Chowder muttered, flushing. "But Bitty--"

"He can deal with the chirping and eat this dick," Nursey said, placing the dick-shaped cookie on top of a plate of regular round cookies already sitting on the countertop. "When's he gonna be ba--"

The door opened and they heard two sets of footsteps, one heavy, the other clearly Bitty's lighter step.

Dex and Nursey retreated through the doorway into the living room, pulling Chowder with them. If they timed it right, they could casually wander in and offer Bitty a cookie, watching his face as he saw the dick-shaped one on top of the pile.

Except it wasn't Ransom or Holster walking in with Bitty, it was Jack.

Nursey and Dex exchanged an alarmed look and reached for Chowder, nearly smothering him in order to keep his dismayed exclamation down.

"I'll just be a second, sweetheart," Bitty said, patting Jack's arm. "I knew I should have checked before we left, but I coulda sworn I had it in my pocket. Anyway, I made cookies yesterday, so feel free to grab one or two." He winked. "Or three."

Bitty headed upstairs and Jack's eyes fell on the plate of cookies. His eyebrows rose as he contemplated the life-sized dick-shaped cookie, lying on top of the others like the Cookie King on his throne. His face went through a series of expressions: surprise, embarrassment, contemplation, mischief and finally humor.

Jack daintily picked up the dick-shaped cookie, inspecting the detailed frosting. Dex had gone all out: mixing red and orange food coloring together, he'd made a mostly flesh-colored base and then piped on veins and other details in a darker color. They'd used chocolate sprinkles to mimic hairy balls.

Bitty came back into the kitchen, a small wrapped parcel in his hand. His eyes went wide when he saw Jack holding the cookie.

"Trying to tell me something, Bits?" Jack chirped. "Or were you just inspired?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Next to Dex, Chowder eeped and buried his face in Dex' shoulder.

Nursey shuddered and made a quiet gagging sound. "It's like watching your parents flirt," he whispered.

"What on earth…?" Bitty flushed, his eyes darting around the kitchen like he couldn't stand to look at Jack or the dick-shaped cookie. "Those frogs! When I get my hands on them, I'll--I'll… oh, I don't know what I'll do, but it'll hurt!"

Dex tightened his grip on Chowder to stop him from rushing in and apologizing. If it had been just Nursey and him, they could have sneaked out and pretended not to know anything. But Chowder was going to break the moment Bitty cornered him – he'd spill the whole story.

"Bits." Jack set the cookie down and reached for Bitty, pulling him close. "They're just chirping you."

"They baked a dick!"

Jack broke the tip off – Dex and Nursey winced in unison – and popped it in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. "Tastes pretty good," he said. He grinned, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Not as good as the real thing, of course, but it'll do."

Bitty groaned into Jack's chest. "You, Mr. Zimmermann, are the worst," he said, but he was smiling when he pulled back. "You're not eating the rest of that cookie. Who knows what else they did to it."

Jack leaned down and kissed Bitty. It was just a peck, really, but Dex felt his face flush. Especially since Jack did it again, and again, and suddenly Bitty made a frustrated sound and grabbed a fistful of Jack's shirt, preventing him from pulling back.

"You're right, this is like watching your parents kiss," Dex muttered, a frown on his flushed face.

"But with more tongue," Nursey added, arms crossed in front of his stomach.

Chowder whined into Dex' shoulder. "I'm uncomfortable."

In the kitchen, Jack broke the kiss and whispered something into Bitty's ear. Bitty's flush darkened, and his lips curved into a wicked smile. "Well, lead the way, Mr. Zimmermann," he said, letting Jack tow him out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Dex stared at the empty doorway, resolutely not thinking about whatever was about to go down in Bitty's room. He wasn't sure he could ever hear the words 'Mr. Zimmermann' again without thinking they sounded vaguely dirty.

"So," Nursey said after a moment of silence. "That kinda backfired on us."

Chowder whimpered in misery.

Dex patted his back. "Erase all evidence and clean up the kitchen at the same time?"

Nursey nodded. Sometimes, Bitty was more lenient when his kitchen was clean enough that the fixtures sparkled and the countertops were polished to a shine.

Chowder let go of Dex and hugged the mop to his chest. "I'm gonna make it so we could eat off the floor. Bitty's going to know I didn't mean it."

Nursey picked up the discarded cookie intending to break it into three equal parts it - the prank had backfired, but they could at least enjoy the cookie. A second later he tripped over Chowder's mop and dropped the cookie back on the counter where it landed in two pieces - the balls and the shaft.

Dex shook his head at him - and yes, Nursey had heard the muttered "walking disaster", thank you very much - but took the piece Nursey offered him.

Chowder took a step back, shaking his head and refusing to take his piece of the cookie. "I couldn't! It'll just taste like guilt," he added sadly.

Nursey shrugged and bit a good chunk out of the round piece of cookie. "Not bad."

"I'm gonna go get the heavy duty cleaning stuff out of the basement," Dex said. He looked down at the piece of cookie in his hand – it was the rest of the shaft – and stuffed it into his mouth in one go.

Nursey coughed. "I feel like I should demonstrate my own personal growth by not making a dick joke right now, but Dex. Dude. You just deep-throated that cookie dick."

Dex smirked. "I swallow, too," he said, slapping Nursey's chest as he walked past him to get the industrial strength floor cleaner.

Behind him, Nursey chocked on his cookie.