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Jus alotta cATS

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It was an ordinary day. At least, it could have been if one frightfully clever, lavender lass by the name Rose Lalonde as well as her green partner-in-crime, Jade Harley, had not messed with the Sciences. Or un-Sciences, seeing as genetic copypastas by a machine perhaps not under the jurisdiction of the universe went into the process for the Trojan Horse of a day. The Ectobiology Lab is what is being referred to.

The two beta lasses were replicating the paradoxical process of cloning Jaspers, essentially, whatever the hell the alpha lass, Roxy Lalonde did. Simply put, disaster ensued from the over-cloning.

The main issue happened on the shiny-3D-special edition version of Alternia. Shitty. Of course, why not throw not only clones, but more random shit into said clones of cats also? Science after all.

God, the chaos that had ensued.

Of course, why not put a spin on G-cat? Why not find the genetic code(?) of a fancy Santa and make an unholy amalgamation? Nicholas Cage? Calliope? The possibilities were endless after all.

The lab was stuffed full with cats as if it were a tiny clown car of clowns. In desperation, they were teleported by Jade to wherever on her now-home planet of Alternia.

And of course, the Beta Cats has to be created.

The cats had to have the powers of their human counterparts.

Cat John could teleport and disappear into wind. Cat Dave could travel across timelines (assumed, it’s a cat, not sure if it knows that). Cat Rose could predict what would and could happen. Cat Jade could teleport (and theoretically alter space if it figured out how).

It would have been so easy to just not create cat clones of their friends. But Rose and Jade were daring enough to do so, in either blind stupidity or the alcohol that may or may not have been consumed.

Though the hangover was cured thanks to the godtier recovery, the issue had to be dealt with still on the cat level. Alternia had the highest cat infestation, with a few teleporting cats landing on the other planets as well. It was likely dumb luck that Cat Rose just went to them instead of going through the trouble to be found.

After a few hours of scavenging for the other potentially tough cats to catch, all that was left were the three other Betas.


“What the actual fuck.” Karkat sat there on his recuperacoon a Sunday(?) afternoon, brought to being awake by loud purrs that filled his respitblock. The first two cats he laid eyes on were a black, fluffy Munchkin cat with ocean blue eyes and a sleek Turkish Angora with red eyes.

As if on cue, Jade bursts through the door in with a scarf on suddenly while the troll was still processing reality, chasing after a Tortoiseshell cat with bright green eyes. She picks up the Tortoiseshell and catches Karkat’s glare, tucking her dog-ears back in shame. “Ah! Finally done! Last pain-in the ass cat! Uh, hehe...hey Karkat! We may or may not have an overabundance of cats on this planet…”

“What the actual fucking hell Jade—what—what even!?” He turned his attention to the two cats he first had seen thus far, the Angora licking the Munchkin on the head in great care; purring could be heard. “What did you even do!?”

“Oh look! Nyan John and Nyan Dave! Lucky three pointer! By the way, did I ever tell you that you sleep like a rock?” The furry attempted to divert the topic but to no avail. Karkat continued to glare at her but winced briefly on account of the puppy-dog eyes she sported.

He sat up in a dark-gray tee and crab boxers, scratching the back of his head as if it would alleviate his rampant confusion. Looking down and taking a deep breath, he spoke steadily, “I’ll chew you out on this later, but in all seriousness, don’t your ‘woofbeast instincts’ instantly want you to carve a bloody canyon of meowbeasts? How has that not happened yet?”

“I mean,” Jade huffed and revealed what she had hidden under the stylish scarf she donned, “Rose though about this before we went through this whole ordeal.”

“Is that a—“

“Shock collar.”

“Wow,” Karkat hesitantly stretched, looking more like an idiot trying to do so on account of the second hand guilt of Jade wearing a shock collar, “And you agreed?”

“I figured that we may have needed to do so, but not with so many!” Her dog ears swiveled forward and twitched in annoyance. “Maybe I’ll just make a planet for all of these guys.”

“Sounds like a decent plan to me.” Karkat grunted and dove back into his recuperacoon. “Let me know if you need any help.”

“Wait—but it’s only—“

“Daytime. Trolls sleep.”

“Oh, fine.” Jade looked back down at her own cat, shrugging before turning her attention to the forgotten Munchkin and Angora, their purrs intertwined and soothing white noise.

The cats cleaned each other, sometimes meowing things to each other softly. Watching with a raised brow, Jade stood there confused as the Tortoiseshell leaped out of her arms and bounded after its friends. The one dog in the room shrugged and walked out of the troll’s respitblock, shutting the door as she sighed and scooped them all up in her arms, teleporting herself to Rose.

“Okay, I got the cat clones of us, Rosey, what now? We still have, um, literally every other cat on this planet along with the teleporting ones on others!” Jade pouted and dropped the cats, each landing on their feet as expected.

The blonde looked into space randomly, “None of the major life seems to be damaged, except maybe on earth. Alternia is surprisingly okay, however, so I deem we go with just accommodate them.” Rose spoke with a hint of uncertainty, unwilling to go for the “cat-ocide” option that, while present, was not at all what would satisfy the situation without her guilt. “Anyway, what's going on with our cat-John and cat-Dave?”

Confused, the brunette’s dog ears flecked in until her face reddened. The red-eyed was mounting on the blue-eyed one, soft mews coming from the two. “Well, huh!”

Rose sighed, and a violet-eyed Persian cat scampered by the mounting pair, the green-eyes Tortoiseshell following it. A mouse toy was thrown in the direction of the cats along with a bell and a stick thrown at Jade’s head.

“Ooh! Stick! Stick! Stick! Stick!”

“I would not recommend staring at the cat-version of our two childhood male friends mounting each other. In other words, don’t be a furry right now, Jade.”

“Shut it, Rose! Now throw!” Tail back to wagging at full blast, Jade bounced eagerly in place with the stick in her mouth as she waited for it to be thrown across the lab, forgetting the feline-fucking ensuing in the room as well. “No take! Only throw!”

“Jade. Don’t be a furry.”

“Party pooper. I like sticks, okay?” Jade held on to the stick protectively as her dog instincts told her to.

Though the initial incident was a disaster skipped over (involving many cat-reported incidents on Alternia), the issue lost its steam eventually as the cats simply became another part of Alternia, another new edition.