Songs to this chapter: 01 – Curse Named Human trailer version
02 – An Angel’s Nightmare
† Curse named human †
[(ke:s neimd `hju:men)]
Captured by life, I cried out for you... death
The young man winced and settled the two heavy and over-filled buckets down in front of the back entrance of the big manor house. It was unbelievably cold, his hands were so numb that he could barely touch and hold anything. The entrance where servants had to enter was muddy and unseen by the fine aristocratic family which hired him many years ago. It was a very old and traditional house with big wooden doors and windows and its grateful walls could even stand the heaviest autumn storms which blew every year monstrously against the stable and the iron gate in front of the big landholding.
Toshiya held his icy hands against to his mouth while he tried to warm them up with the little breath he was able to give from all the hard work but it was hopeless. Even his breath seemed to be frozen by the inhuman cold outside.
A loud noise coming from inside the house made his heart beat faster. He was afraid and scared. All his poor life long he was afraid. His master was a terrible man, always in a bad mood and hating everything around him, maybe even himself. And he was perfect in transmitting this hate in form of any damage to the people around him.
Like awaking from a state of dream, his body didn't really move but shake its way to the door. He had to deal with this every day but he never got used to it. The 'special' treatments he seemed to have deserved. That’s what he got told all too often.
Sometimes he caught himself thinking, seeing his own physical body from the outside. It was not strange to him, it seemed like a protection against the harm… thinking his way out of the violence, away from the physical burden, switching off his thinking and feeling. He was tired. Tired of working, tired of obeying and tired of living.
He tried to open the door with his icy hands which seemed to have all shapes of strange colors like his feet or the other parts of his body. He rubbed over his nose, trying to feel it again but the coldness was forgotten when finally the door jumped open and hit him hard on his head. The pain shot through him and his limp feet made him tumble and fall down to the snow covered ground. His eyes filled up with tears and the little hot tears rolled over his bony cheeks, falling down into the frozen snow. He tried to collect his mind but couldn’t loose the dizzy feeling. He slumped down to the ground again and winced by the loud voice which howled at him.
“Get up you lazy bastard!”
The next thing he felt was his body getting kicked.... until he could feel nothing no more.... He was weak. Always been. And no matter what life was, this was the only definition he knew. Toshiya was so hurt and damaged, body and mind, that he felt like getting more stupid with every day he woke up again. A walking corpse created by the moods of god… if there was a god. He never believed in it. He lost his faith. A very long time ago.
“I said GET UP!!!”
The mad man grabbed Toshiya on his rag clothes and threw him in front of the heavy buckets. The boy hit hard onto the ground and his hands started to bleed from the impact. But there was no time to feel pain when the voice bellowed behind him again and again.
“Get the buckets in!”
“Yes Master.” He stuttered like a child, afraid to get hurt for a wrong breath. He hung his head low and realized that the man had left the dusty kitchen to go back upstairs into the heated rooms.
Toshiya hated winter. It was a daily fight to survive. And without a roof over his head he could be dead within minutes.... which seemed like a welcome change but he was too afraid, a coward to end the life himself.
The not existing self-confidence came from his mother who used to be some whore in town. He never knew her or the sad story of her circumstances. All Toshiya knew was that he cursed the day when his Master and his mad wife came into the orphanage to get themselves a servant instead of a child.
And children usually didn't sleep in stables either.
The next morning, the wind was as cold as ice. Toshiya was on his weekly way to the market to buy fruit and vegetables. The coldness seemed to seep right through the rags to his thin body, entering every cell and the long forgotten memories of warmth seemed like a far away dream to him.
He pulled his old cape tighter, his eyes opened in thin slits to make out the snow covered way into town. When the snow became darker and muddy he knew that he would soon arrive in town. Horse coaches passed him, noble looking men and women too, dressed in expensive clothes and hats.... in comparison to them, Toshiya was worthless. Too low even to be noticed. No one would ever look at him, really look at him or notice him.
He hated the spoiled and superficial society of town and wanted to get his business done as quick as possible. In a hurry he made his was up to the market place. That his feet were hurting was bitter and daily truth.
When he passed a bakery, the smell of fresh baked bread, biscuits and cake filled the air. But he didn't dare to look at the showing window, just to spare the pain.
Toshiya abruptly stopped when a little girl blocked his way by standing in the middle of the footway. She looked with big, sparkling eyes at the showing window, looking like a forgotten doll with her long red cape and gloves. In her hand a paper bag full off biscuits.
Her hair was bound into two little ponytails on each side of her head and she wore a little hat too. She smiled up lovely at Toshiya with her little red cheeks when he stopped in front of her. To him, she looked like a little fairy.
“Hey! Large man!” She shouted up cheeky.
A smile formed on his cold lips and Toshiya bent down to her that he was able to look her into the eyes.
“Hello Princess. How are you?”
“I'm quite fine, thank you. And you?” She started the conversation like a grown up.
“I'm fine too... just a little cold.”
“Yes I know but look...” She pointed at her coat. “My mom bought me this and it’s quite warm.” She smiled and automatically Toshiya had to join her.
“I must say it really suits you well.”
“Thank you Mr.” She never stopped smiling. “Here.” She hold out her paper bag. “Do you wanna have a biscuit?”
“Oh no thank you. They are all yours.”
“Yes but they are just tooooo much for me. So take one!” She insisted and Toshiya happily gave in, the little gesture warming his heart.
“Tell me Princess are you alone here? Where are your parents?”
“My mommy is still in the bakery and my father is down there.” She pointed over to a dressmaker. The most expensive one in town. Toshiya had heard of him. His Master had bought several suits there as well. Coming to think of....
Toshiya straightened up from his position and took his basket up again.
“Where are you going?” She wanted to know.
“I have to go to the market.” She simply looked up at him, almost observed him. “It was nice to make your acquaintance.” Toshiya added and she smiled again. It was an inner reflex which made him stretch out his hand and care over her cheek.
“Bye bye Princess.”
“Hey!” She shouted and Toshiya turned around in reflex. “What is your name?” She wanted to know.
“My name is Toshiya! And thank you for the biscuit!” He waved a last time and finally went his way to the market place.
This little encounter really made his day. It was so short and for most people it would be insignificant but it really warmed Toshiya's heart. It was strange to say but the little girl really left an impression on him... she seemed so pure and free of evil and guilt. A little Angel.... but what was her name again? He forgot to ask her about her name.
His daydream came to an abrupt end when Toshiya felt someone grabbing him on his arm and shoving him into the next small alley behind the houses. Something was pointed at his back and Toshiya didn't dare to move. Everything happened too fast, Toshiya couldn't even scream or shout for help. With one strong hand he got pushed against a brick wall from behind and what was about to come next was the most painful experiences a human being could ever make.
Not only did the strange man take all of Toshiya's money, his dirty needs seemed to go deeper and became even more painful. Weak and numb from the cold, Toshiya tried to struggle himself free and when he wanted to shout, the other hand covered his mouth from behind. The ugly man behind him seemed taller and stronger than Toshiya was.... the sudden pain entering his body, every fiber of his body felt like turning black, dying from within. Something in that moment ceased to exist and pain got a new definition. It expanded the physical. A slow and painful death.
Tears shot into his eyes but he couldn't even scream. When Toshiya turned his head in the alley he saw something red at the end of the little street.... and he widened his eyes in shock.
The little girl started to scream when she witnessed what happened to Toshiya. The ugly man behind him pulled up his trousers hastily, still pointing with the gun against Toshiya's back.
That was when the little girl started running towards them blindly, calling out for Toshiya whose heart threatened to stop the same moment.
“NO! RUN!” Toshiya shouted back at her but with no use. Without thinking about his act, he hit the man behind him into his guts and started to run towards the girl. Toshiya grabbed her and ran all the way out of the alley.
A shot echoed through the air.
His footsteps became slower, the girl landed on her feet and it seemed like slow motion when she saw Toshiya slowly slumping onto his knees and then all flat onto the street.
She didn't really understand what happened but she knelt down next to Toshiya and shook him on his shoulder.
“Toshiya, stand up! Come on!”
But the young man didn't react. Slowly, people started to gather around them and the little girl started to sob when there was no response coming back.
In the distance, somebody shouted for the little girl.
“SHINYA! Oh my god! Are you all right?!”
The little girls' mother ran towards her child. The same moment Toshiya slightly opened his eyes again.
“Hey.... “ He coughed and had difficulties to speak. “Shinya is a really.... beautiful name....” Toshiya’s breathing became harder.
“Thank you.” The little sobbed while tears still streamed down her face.
The last remaining strength threatened to leave his cold body. With all his willpower, Toshiya stretched out his arm and cared over Shinya's little cheek.
“It’s not just the name of a Princess... it’s the name of an Angel.”
And Toshiya closed his eyes. His hand fell down into the mud of the street and the little boy started to cry.
All I ever wanted was rest and mental glee
But all of you refused to let my spirit free
I believe in a place where everybody can be
and illness and death won’t ever harm me
My wounds run too deep and because of that
I am cursing you,
What happened to me? Why am I crying?
Tears of joy or tears of sadness?
I'm feeling so free...
It’s so warm.... where am I...?
I can’t see anything.
Who’s calling my name?
Is this my mother?
What do you want from me? No! Leave me alone!
Don’t touch me!
What? Who are you? What do you want from me?
What do you say?
I can’t understand you....
What? I have to wake up?
Was it just a dream? No! Let me go!
What did you say?
“Wake up Toshiya.”
Why do you know my name?
“Wake up. It’s time for you to wake up.”
Will I never have any rest?
“Come on Toshiya!”
No, I don’t want to wake up.... ah, the light. It is so bright....
“Welcome Toshiya. Welcome to the world above.”