It's Tuesday and Bilbo is staring down at the bloodied remains of his neighbor. Poor Miss Green had just retired, goodness what is he going to tell her son?
“Bilbo?” Bofurs concerned voices was accompanied by a hand on his arm. Not the one holding the ax, it must be said. “You okay lad?”
Nori scoffed from his place still sprawled across the ground. He'd had to duck Bilbo's swing and it didn't look like he'd gathered the will to get up yet. Not that Bilbo blamed him, not while his own hand was unwilling to release his death grip on his father's old ax. Bungo had taught him how to chop wood with this ax. It was probably older than him! And he'd just used it to kill Miss Green… or what used to be her.
“Of course he's not all right you knocker,” Nori pushed himself up onto his elbows so that he could give the other Ereborian a look that speaks of exactly what he thought of his intelligence. Bilbo had just killed someone because she was trying to take a bite out of his housemate. “He just took a chunk out of our elderly neighbor with a bloody ax! Shit. Who would think that Bilbo would be the first one of us to kill someone.”
Now Bofurs looking at Nori with concern instead of freaking out over the dead zombie laid out in their entrance hall.
Bilbo let out a distressed sound and dropped the ax, just missing his exposed toes. Oh dear, that definitely left a dent. Oh dear, he just killed someone. He's never going to get the blood out of the hardwood. It's a good thing he owns the house-.
“Bilbo?” It was Bofur again, clasping him by the shoulders and giving him a little shake. “You're mumbling, and that's never a good thing, so I need you to breath and focus on my voice. Can you do that for me?”
Well, if he's going to ask so nicely. Bilbo nodes his his head jerkily, sniffing for reasons he can't quite understand. He… wasn't going to cry was he?
He distantly hears a phone going off. He better get that, it might be important. It might be the pizza place. Did they order pizza? Or was that Chinese? Or was he making something?
Distantly he's aware of Nori pulling himself off the ground and Bofur going to pick up the phone.
His mother picked out this carpet -. Oh wait, that reminds him. Nori is at the window, peeking out between the curtains, but he looks at Bilbo as he passes him, opening his mouth to say something or another. Bilbo doesn't let himself stop, or he'll lose his train of thought. Bofur is standing in the sitting room, phone pressed up to his ear. He glances over when the other man walked into the room, but doesn't say anything as Bilbo drops in front of his mothers Glory Box. Now, if he can only remember the combination to that stupid old lock.
“-Yeah, poor old bat, though I'm more concerned for Bilbo, seemed to be going into shock- holy shit!” Bofur almost drops the phone, staring with wide eyes as – after a few tries – Bilbo opens the box and pulls out his Ma's favorite Magnum. The one with the extra long barrel and the engraving in the handle. It was an anniversary gift from his father if he's not mistaken.
Bilbo can hear the tiny concerned voice from the other side of the call, but he can't tell who it is and Bofur is still staring on in astonishment. Bilbo sets the gun down gently before delving back into the chest. There are more guns, along with some of the hunting knives that Belladonna was particularly fond of, he also makes sure to set aside some of her survivor guides and maps.
“I'm starting to understand why you twisted Kili's ear when he scraped his boots on – is that a grenade?!”
Yes, yes it is. Bilbo stares at it for a moment, trying to decide whether they might need it in the future. Then he imagines Kili getting his hands on it and gently places it back in the chest. Better safe than sorry.
“I thought you said you're Ma worked for the government?”
“Yes, she was a special operative.”
“Special -!”A tiny panicked voice came through the phone, and Bofur scrambled to pick it back up off the carpet. “Hey Dwalin, yeah sorry about that, you'll never believe this but...”
Bilbo could hear their large friend snapping at Bofur, probably frustrated that he wasn't taking the end of the world seriesly. He continued pulling things from the chest and then putting back the things he couldn't or wouldn't take with them.
“Hey Bilbo!” Called Nori from the other room. “Where'd you put the picture albums?”
“Under the bed in the guest room!” Now, where did his mother put her Black book? If he could get in contact with some of her old colleagues then they might now what's happening, or at least someplace to hold up for a while.
He got up and decided to check the study first. After Bella’s death Bungo would have put it someplace nearby in case of emergencies. Luckily neither of them were the kind of people that needed the amount of help that that book would give. On the other hand, Bungo wouldn’t have just left it sitting around for anyone to stumble upon. That leaves one place…
Bofur followed Bilbo as far as the phone cord would let him, standing in the doorway and watched as his roommate started to fiddle with the old, oak writing desk. He has no idea what's going on, but it bound to be pleasantly amusing. He has a feeling that they’re going to need as much amusement as they can get in the coming days.
“-Bofur? You still there?” Dwalin’s voice was even gruffer in concern. Bofur could hear the sound of an engine starting in the background.
“Yeah yeah, I heard ye. Are you guys taking the backroads?” He pushed the phone closer to his ear.
“Every road is a back road where you live,” There’s several loud bangs, gunshot if he’s not mistaken, and Dwalin swearing at Thorin. “Fucking - I have to let you go, be ready when we get there.”
There’s a resounding click and then the dial tone. He shrugs and then put it back on the receiver. He better start packing.
As he’s passing the study he hears Bilbo give a call of victory, before crawling back out of under the desk. He had a think book in one hand and was looking quite pleased with himself. Bofur snorted and continued on to his room.
On a normal day it would take close to half an hour to travel to Bag End from the city, but seeing as how the world is ending and Thorin is the on behind the wheel, they all agreed that they probably had an extra hour to get everything into order. Bilbo spent most of the last half of it fiddling with the security system while Nori and Bofur loaded things into the car. Then ended up having to put down the mailman after he tried to take a chunk out of Bilbos ankle, but luckily they live in a fairly secluded area.
“Is that everything?” Bilbo asked, glancing over his shoulder at his best friends as they tried to shove the last bag into the back seat of Bofur's jeep. “Because I’ve only done this once and that was decades ago, so I’m not sure how easy it’ll be to undo.”
Nori and Bofur shared a look, both more than a little curious.
“Yeah, that should be all of it.” Nori nodded.
Bilbo nodded, then pressed several buttons. They waited in silence for a moment, before the a loud grinding noise pierced through the air. It reminded on of metal scraping across metal and all three of them flinched and covered their ears. It took a second longer to see the cause of the noise, as the steel shutters on all the windows and door slid down, sealing off the house from the outside.
Bofur let out a long whistle of appreciation.
Nori glared at Bilbo. “Been livin’ with you for five years, how come you never told us that you can turn our house into a fortress.”
Bilbo snorted at his fake outrage. “Because I knew you’d just use it to hide from the police, or worse, your brother.”
Nori paused for a second, then nodded slowly, because yeah, that’s a fair point.
“Well, to be fair, it would be a lot harder to keep Dori out then any amount of police officers.” Bofur laughed. “Especially if you managed to drag Ori or Bilbo into trouble again.”
Nori threw up his hands, once again playfully glaring at Bilbo. “Why does my own brother like you more than me?”
“Everyone likes me more then you Nori. You’re a bastard, I don’t know why you always forget,” Bilbo swiped the ax off the ground and made is way to the car.
“I can’t believe I’m friends with you assholes.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, probably to look for his keys, but his whole body gives a little jolt. “Holy shit, I can’ believe I forgot! Hey Bil, you owe me big time! I almost lost my life for this damned thing!”
The professor looked up from where he was trying to strap one of the many knives to his hip. “What are you going on about this time?”
Nori pulled something out of his pocket and Bofur started to choke on air when he saw what it was. The hacker waved it around in the air for a moment. “You’re kidding right? The only damn reason I was out was because I was picking this up for you.”
Bilbo caught the object as it was chucked at his head. He stared at it for a moment before breaking out in a long string of swears.
Bofur looked between the two of them. “Wait, you told Nori before me?”
“Maybe he trusts me more?”
“Or maybe he was the only person that I knew who could get me the right ones without alerting Thorin.”
He did have a point. Thorin's family owns every creditable jewelry store this side of the mountains.
“You still going to ask him?” Nori asked, honestly curious. “Ya know, even with the world ending and all that.”
Bilbo stared over the roof of the jeep at him in slight offense. “Of course I’m still going to, I’ve pictured this moment since I was a freshmen and I first caught sight of his ass in the quad.”
Nori rolled his eyes so hard it actually hurt. If he had a penny for every time Bilbo’s brought Thorin's ass up in any conversation over the years then he would be a very rich man.
“Bet you weren’t dreaming of doing it after the end of the world.” Bofur climbed into the Jeep with the others.
“Well,” He side eyes his friend, a twinkle in his eye. “I’ve always had an active imagination. Luckily Dwalin is qualified to oversee weddings or we’d be in a bit of a bind.”
“Oh look, that must be the others.”