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that don't mean i can't hold your hand in mine

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Jun blurts it out one day randomly.

“What would it feel like to hold Dongmyeong’s hand?

They were lazing around in Jun’s room on a Saturday evening, Jun was leaning on the frame of the bed while Chan sat on the middle. At some point of their friendship, it become a routine for them to spend time together every Saturday, alternating whose house each week. Chan is slightly confused at how it came out of nowhere since they were previously arguing if dragons and dinosaurs were related.

“What does it feel like?” Jun looks at him with eager eyes.

“Like holding a hand?” Jun frowns at Chan’s answer that has the latter immediately adding, “I don’t really think about it, okay?”

Chan carefully observes the older boy as he doesn’t respond and appears to be contemplating of something. It’s funny and a little foolish for Chan to think that this day would pass without Jun mentioning Dongmyeong once and it’s a lot foolish on his part to be hopeful even though he knows well of Jun’s feelings.

“Hey, you’re about the same height as Dongmyeong, right?”

Chan merely blinks and Jun’s already crowding up on his personal space. He further backs up to the wall, his hands immediately flying towards Jun in an attempt to stop the boy from trapping him. The older boy keeps his gaze on him and Chan’s heart responds by recklessly thumping on his chest.

Chan swallows dryly before asking, “What are you trying to say?”

“That means your hand should be the same size as his.” Jun grins and Chan almost sputters at his statement.

“That’s such an absurd conclusion.”

Jun’s demeanor doesn’t falter and if Chan’s not mistaken he thinks the older boy becomes even more resolute on the assumption he came up with.

“Let’s hold hands.”

Chan stares at him, stunned.

“What?”

“Let’s hold hands.” Jun repeats, “C’mon, I just want to know what it’s like. Plus, you’ve held his hand before right? It’s like indirect contact.”

Chan stays silent for a while, he lets Jun’s words sink in and actually tries to find the sense in what the older boy is insisting but doesn’t come up with any. He ignores the screams of his heart, the burning want in the pit of his stomach to know what it feels like holding Jun’s hand. Chan shakes his head at Jun’s display of stubbornness but it’s further directed towards his foolish desires.

“You do know it doesn’t work like that.”

For a second, Chan’s convinced Jun is about to drop his ridiculous idea but in the next second Jun looks at him with pleading eyes. There’s a feeling of annoyance bubbling inside Chan and it’s not because Jun’s trying to snatch his title as best set of puppy eyes but at the fact that he thinks this way; that he finds the older boy awfully endearing at his childish act.

And at the fact that he was never good at resisting when it comes to Jun.

“Fine.” Chan rolls his eyes and sarcastically says, “The things I do for you.”

“What can I say? I’m irresistible.” Jun replies, a smug grin gracing his expression.

Chan makes a face when Jun does a motion that only emphasizes how big of an airhead he is – his hand placed under his chin with only his index finger and thumb spread out into some sort of check symbol.

“I won’t do this anymore.”

“No, I was joking.” Jun whines and reaches for Chan’s hand.

He’s aware of his heart thrashing in its cage again when his and Jun’s hand come to contact. There’s tightness in his throat and a frenzy in his tummy but Chan can’t say it’s all unpleasant as the older boy intertwines their fingers. The riot inside him slowly calms down and Chan realizes he enjoys the warmth of Jun’s hand more than he should.

Jun grabs Chan’s other hand and brings both close together, “Wow, I didn’t think your hand will be this tiny.”

Heat rises up to his cheek when Jun looks back at him with an expression he can only decipher as fond. Chan disregards the look directed at him, uncharted waters are dangerous to venture, even more so, when you’re afraid to drown.

“It’s not tiny!” The younger boy tries to retract his hands, “You’re just an oversized kid with oversized hands.”

Jun raises an eyebrow, clearly amused at Chan’s mortification. He keeps their hands locked together and pulls the younger boy closer to him.

“Oh, I’m the kid?” Jun teases.

Chan huffs and turns away with a pout decorating his features.

“Kidding aside, I wonder if it would feel this nice to hold Dongmyeong’s hand.”

The tone of Jun’s voice makes Chan bring his gaze back to the older boy and sees him with a soft expression, a fond smile on his lips. Chan's stare fell at their connected hands and smiled – a defeated feeling resting on his chest.

“Yeah, I wonder too…”