“Why didn’t we do this from the very start?” Futaba said cheerfully, as Ryuji chopped the lock off the door of the local discount movie theater with a pair of heavy bolt-cutters from the Sakura family toolbox.
“Because it’s illegal,” Akira said. “But I think that the circumstances do warrant a slightly extreme response if we want to have any working televisions left.”
“You couldn’t have thought of this before we lost like 400,000 yen in electronics?” Sojiro muttered.
“On the plus side, they weren’t thinking about breaking into a closed theater. That’s responsible,” Sae offered. “Or, you know, it was until we came here. So, I guess the lesson is that the kids can only be trusted so far.”
“We are pushed to fight evil!” Haru declared, her expression still perfectly cheerful and yet somehow not the slightest bit reassuring.
“Yeah!” Ann agreed, the battle against darkness apparently having given her some life yet (or maybe it was just that they’d needed to take an hour off while everyone looked for bolt cutters and Futaba researched the best way to set up a projector).
“I don’t mind the evil, so much. I want to fight bad art,” Yusuke added.
“… Sure, why not!”
“And not getting our proper recognition!”
“Go to Hell, Futaba.”
“Everyone!” Morgana said sharply. “We are united against a common foe. A common foe that made me a female dog, and now some kind of sex goat. Whatever your reasons for pursuing this battle, never forget it is against a beast of despair that must be destroyed no matter that cost!”
“I’m actually kind of happier now that Shann is just the cleaning lady. Though I wonder why she’s French,” Ann admitted.
“Immigrants sometimes have a hard time getting a respectable job, you know,” Makoto said knowledgably. “It’s a real problem for society.”
“I guess it is true that there aren’t many jobs less respectable than ‘porn washer.’ And she’s at least keeping up Shann’s inability to recognize what kind of movie she’s in,” Ann said as the group sat down in the empty theater while their resident tech gnome ran her little legs up to the projector booth to set up. “… I think. I actually have no idea what she’s saying, but she doesn’t seem to have fucked anybody yet.”
“She did scrub Makoto’s bare manly chest,” Haru said.
“Stop. Calling. Him. My. Name,” Makoto said, the seat she had chosen crunching unpleasantly as she gripped the old wooden armrests so tightly they shattered in her grip.
“But you’re my favorite character! So tall and strong and glistening…”
“Haru, do you doubt that I could make you eat your own axe if I really tried?”
“… I’ll stop.”
“Joker, I don’t think the team will hold together until the end of this one,” Morgana whispered into Akira’s ear. “If you need to lock them all in and burn the theater down, just warn me. I’ll be sure to trip Ryuji.”
“We’re not going to kill everyone, Morgana,” Akira whispered back chidingly. “… Unless we have no choice.”
“All right!” Futaba crowed, poking her head out of the projector booth. “Are you all ready down there?”
“No!” Everyone replied.
“Awesome, hitting play!”
“You are perhaps wondering why I would seek to kill my own father! Well, I will happily explain it while you all lick my boots clean, filthy peasants,” Sharu said, the greatly increased size of the screen making her even more uncomfortable to be around. She held up a purse and spilled out what appeared to be several large rubber eggplants. “Also, I will need each of you to shove one of these up your butts.”
“Yes, that seems! Reasonable!” Shakira declared.
“Does it, though?” Akira asked sadly.
“The only one who shoves anything up the ass of a manly man is his manly sister!” Shmakoto declared firmly, holding up a large, knobbly, thing that could not be called a dildo because a dildo was safe to insert in a human body, and this most certainly did not look like it was.
“Oh, good, at least I got out of this one,” Makoto said.
“Luckily, mine is right here!” Shmakoto added, as Shsae stepped onto the set and took the giant rubber thing from him with a giant smile.
“I hate them so much.”
“You really need to stop tempting fate. Look at me: I’ve abandoned all hope and being dead inside has really improved my experience with this movie,” Ryuji said. “Ann had the right idea all along, who knew?”
“I BET I CAN FIT THIS WHOLE THING IN MY MOUTH!”
“C'est insalubre. Vous devriez toujours désinfecter le caoutchouc avant de le sucer comme un cinglé,” Shann said, taking another ridiculous sex toy from Shryuji and wiping it down with a damp cloth before handling it back to him. “Les enfants ont des passe-temps étranges dans ce pays."
“See? I don’t even fucking know what’s happening, and I’ve never been more blissfully numb. Bein’ dead inside is the best, you guys should try it.”
“I know, right?” Ann said. The two of them very unenthusiastically high-fived.
“Now that everyone is properly butt-sexed, and my boots are clean,” Sharu said, as Shakira finished licking her boots and she stomped on his hands, seemingly for fun. “I shall tell you my sad tale. First, meet my beloved fiancée, Shsugimura, the love of my life!”
“Mmmmmmmfffff…” Shsugimura said, through his ball gag.
“Oh my,” Haru sighed. “So that is him. I was afraid of that. Well. I… I’m so furious, I… I can’t even put it into words.”
“I did not give you permission to speak, worm!” Sharu snarled, backhanding him across the face and sending him sprawling, before raising her high-heeled boots and beginning to stomp on him. Repeatedly.
“… … … And yet also slightly jealous. Huh, didn’t see that coming,” Haru admitted. She sounded disappointed, as if the purity of her rage being diluted was somehow disappointing to her. Haru was a little bit weird.
“Though Shsugimura has agreed to be my slave for all time, my father has denied us our true love!” Sharu declared, grinding her heel into Shsugimura’s throat while he gasped pitifully. “For you see, he is an old man and wishes to destroy the happiness of all teenagers, just as his sexual burgers are secretly anti-sexual burgers that prevent the expression of sexual freedoms, using chemicals!”
Everyone gasped in unison. “Chemicals?!” they said.
“Elle va avoir du sang sur le sol si elle continue à le frapper, je ne nettoierai pas ça," Shann said.
“Exactly, Shann!” Shakira declared. “Sharu! We will! Help y- “
He was cut off, then, by Sharu stepping forward and slamming the heel of her palm into his solar plexus. “I didn’t ask for your help, I demanded it, you filthy whore!”
“Urrrrrk…” Shakira said, coughing up a little bit of blood.
“Did she… did she actually hurt him there?” Sae asked.
“Do we care?” Akira asked.
“I hope they all die,” Ann offered.
“Fine by me. I know I’m safe because I’m not there,” Futaba snarled.
“Now, all of you!” Sharu snarled. “I demand to be pleasured, so begin eating me out while I hook up my lover’s testicles to a car battery! Then, we shall leave him here to be electrocuted for the next seven hours while we murder my father for his crimes against teenage kind!”
“Ouch…” Shakira said. “That… actually really hurt…”
“Did I tell you to speak, whore?!” Sharu suddenly shrieked, yanking a pipe off the wall of the filthy prison washroom and slamming it across his face.
“Th-that wasn’t in the script…” Shmakoto said.
“The script is for the weak! I am a goddess now, and all shall worship me and despair!” Sharu said with a very unstable giggle. “Finally, I have found my place in the world! I was born for this stage, and you were all born to die for me! Mwahahahaha… .BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” she laughed madly, bringing the pipe down on Shakira again. He let out a half-scream half-cough and twitched, which told everyone he was still alive.
“Huh. Ad-libbed, but I like it! Keep rolling!” Shmorgana said.
“Five minutes and she’s gone mad with non-existent power. That’s gotta be some kind of record,” Sojiro said.
“I kinda like Sharu. Is that weird?” Ryuji asked.
“Would you like to be castrated, Ryuji-kun?” Haru asked.
“So, I’ve got to admit. I’m a little bit scared to see Haru’s father. The others have been… problematic,” Akira said slowly.
“Kamoshida was actually pretty much the same in the porn as in real life, to be fair,” Ann pointed out.
“Yes, and the original was problematic, so it still fits.”
“… Damn. Touché.”
“Ugh, Takamaki, don’t speak French. It reminds me of New Shann,” Makoto said with a shudder.
“That isn’t so bad. New Shann’s the only likable one,” Haru said.
“We can’t understand a word she says.”
“And that’s what I like most about her.”
“… Damn. Touché.”
“Huh. This is actually way calmer than I’m used to from them,” Sae muttered. “Do you think they finally did just burn out and can’t find true anger anymore?”
“I’ve thought that a few times now,” Sojiro said. “They keep right on bouncing back.”
“… Are you enjoying watching them suffer?”
“I’ve lost ridiculous amounts of home theater equipment today, and you damn well know Futaba isn’t paying for any of it. I have to get a little joy out of something.”
“… Huh. You think they would notice if I also started to enjoy their suffering?” Sae asked.
“Oh my God you guys Haru’s dad is a tentacle monster!” Futaba squealed in unbearable delight.
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeehssssssssssssssss,” Haru said, a sound not unlike a very mellow angry cat killing an oddly calm shrieking bird.
“I don’t think anyone will be noticing anything for a bit,” Sojiro said, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see the screen.
“Mwahahahahaha!” Shkunizaku Shokumura oozed, as his many, many penis-shaped tentacles waved around him, suspended on strings that were probably supposed to be invisible. “So you’ve finally come to kill me, as I always knew you would, Sharu!”
“Yes, dear father! Finally, I am able to live out the plan for your death that I have been plotting since I was five years old!” Sharu declared, holding the rest of the cast on leashes. “Ever since you wouldn’t get me the doll I wanted as a child, I’ve known that you, like all adults, inherently despise everyone younger than yourselves!”
“Yes! Yes, I do! That is why my sexual burgers are full of chemicals!” Shokumura burbled, waving his tentacles about. “Also they’re literally made from dead teenagers.”
“The fuck are there so many cannibals in this movie?! There cannot be anyone who would find this hot!” Ryuji snapped.
Futaba took out her phone, typed ‘Vore’ into Google, and showed him the results.
“… WHY?!” Ryuji screamed.
Sojiro smiled, not even bothering to open his eyes as he whispered to Sae, “Told ya.”
“Curse you, father! First the cannibalism, and then even worse you tried to control who I marry!” Sharu snapped.
“Bwahahahaha! I don’t even have a reason to do it, I just hate the idea of you being happy!” Shokumura declared. “All I’ve ever wanted in life was to ruin the happiness of all teenagers! And that is why I will now have sex with all of your friends! Simultaneously!”
“I feel like there was a leap of logic here,” Ann said.
“I feel like we left logic behind a long time ago,” Makoto muttered.
“Everyone!” Shmakoto said. “Our only option is to each have sex with one of those tentacles, although I hesitate to do so because none of them is my sister.”
“Is that really their only option?” Ryuji asked sadly. “I feel like they have other options, if they would just try looking around…”
“ALL THESE TENTACLES ARE JUST BIG DICKS TO ME, BUDDIES! AND SUCKING DICKS IS LITERALLY THE ONLY OPTION IN ANY SITUATION!”
“Nobody asked you, douche!” Ryuji snapped.
“Pourquoi obtenez-vous de la boue partout sur le sol? Je dois nettoyer le sol. Je vais charger supplémentaire pour nettoyer cette boue sur le sol,” Shann said. “Je vais charger beaucoup d'argent. Parce que cette boue semble tacher les choses. Les taches sont difficiles à sortir.”
“Shann is right!” Shyusuke said, rotting slightly as a tentacle lightly slapped against him, their strings getting tangled together slightly. “I myself am already having sex with a tentacle, because I’m alive and have a sex drive.”
“DIE, BITCH! DIE!” Sharu shrieked, ripping a tentacle off the obvious strings holding it up, and beginning to rip at it with her teeth as she wrapped her legs around it on the floor, beginning to furiously grind against it even as she ripped chunks out with her teeth, spitting out mouthfuls of weird foam. “HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! I AM THE GODDESS OF THE NEW WORLD AND YOUR PAIN FEEDS ME! ALL WILL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!”
“If anyone wants to make a hilarious joking comment about how she’s kind of like me after all, I suggest you reconsider it,” Haru said sweetly. “Just wanted to bring that up.”
“We don’t have to. You did it yourself,” Futaba said.
“And honestly, I wasn’t even thinking about it. These tentacles just do not match the quality of the rest of the movie. This is why most people don’t do them live-action, you know? They’re hard to properly animate without CGI, and once you get into that you’re really abandoning the spirit of the film. And it was so good up until now.”
Akira sighed. “Futaba, for fuck’s sake, would you learn to read the mood already.”
“What? I mean, treachery aside, this is a top-shelf film. I was all set to call this the masterpiece of new-wave neoclassical erotica…”
“I don’t think that’s a thing, and I don’t think you’d be a good judge of it if it was.”
“… but the quality just took a huge hit when the tentacles came out. You just can’t do live-action tentacles on a budget,” she said in distaste, as Ryuji shoved about three feet of foam in his mouth. “You either do them full CGI, in which case they stand out, or you spend a ton on prosthetics that just never quite look right. Or you get this. Which is cheap. Look at it!”
“I’m choosing not to,” Ann said, keeping her eyes firmly closed.
"Pourquoi est-ce que ces enfants bizarres font du sexage avec cette pieuvre? ... ça va faire de la boue partout, je dois nettoyer la boue, tu sais, tous leurs vêtements seront tachés, je ne vais pas nettoyer leurs vêtements," Shann said.
“She gets it. I really identify with Shann now, guys,” Ann said cheerfully.
“Do you know what she’s saying?”
“No! It’s awesome. Just imagine she’s saying whatever you want her to be saying.”
“I imagined her saying she’s going to kill Shmakoto,” Makoto said as he humped enthusiastically at a foamy slime thing. “Close your eyes and try it, you guys. It’s made my life noticeably better already. Seriously, just give it a shot. It will make you way happier.”
As one, the group let out a sigh of relief.
“She said Shryuji choked on a dick and died,” Ryuji said.
“She said Sharu is going to drown in her own vileness and never return,” Haru said.
“She said Shakira learned how to goddamn remember his lines,” Akira said. “Right before he got hit by a bus.”
“She said Shmorgana isn’t a goat,” Morgana whispered solemnly.
“… She’s saying I haven’t heard from Yusuke in awhile,” Futaba said suspiciously.
As one, the group opened their eyes.
“Did that little fuck ditch us?!” Ryuji snarled, looking around the theater to discover there was no artists to be seen.
“Oooooh, that sneaky little fox knew he was boring and we’d never miss him!” Futaba snapped. “Why would he do this?!”
“You guys! The only way to! Properly defeat evil like this! Is if all us take the tentacles up our asses!” Shakira shouted on the screen. What followed was a sound that defied description, unless the description was SPLOOOORRRRRRGGGGCCCCCHHHHHRRRRRLGG.
”No! Noooo! Butt sex, my one weakness!” Shokumura screamed. “My mind is being overwritten by the power of teenage sexuality!”
“YES! YES, I AM THE SEX GODDESS! YOU WILL ALL DIE AT MY HANDS UNLESS YOU CAN MAKE ME CUM A DOZEN TIMES!” Sharu roared. “I’M NOT JOKING, YOU LITTLE FUCKS! THIS ISN’T IN THE SCRIPT! IF I DON’T HAVE MORE ORGASMS THERE WILL BE BLOOD!”
“… I have some moral issues with her, sir. Can we…” Shmakoto said.
“Keep rolling! This is gold!” Shmorgana said from off-screen, while on-screen Shmorgana let out a small bleating sound and continued eating the cast’s discarded clothes.
“I mean, I have a good idea why he left,” Akira said. “But not taking us with him was a complete dick move.”
“We definitely need to have words with him for trying to walk out on us,” Ann said, eyes narrowed. “Starting with ‘remember that time you tried to pressure me into modeling nude?’ and ending with some pretty extreme blows to his kneecaps.”
“Ann, this isn’t the time to settle old grudges. We’re on a mission.”
“Old grudges are the only thing that make me feel human anymore,” she hissed.
“Dude,” Ryuji said, putting a hand on Akira’s shoulder. “Just let her have this one. We’ve all had kind of a lot to be bitter about lately.”
Akira nodded solemnly. “All right. Put the movie on pause, Futaba, while we go find Yusuke and break his legs. Then we’ll all come back here and complete what I’m becoming increasingly convinced is some kind of demonic test intended to purge us of all human emotion.”
“I hate to be the Devil’s Advocate, but maybe we shouldn’t bother? I mean, it would just delay things even more,” Haru said softly. “Don’t we all want to get this over with, so Futaba will stop holding us hostage like a little sociopath?”
“It’s true, I am doing that,” Futaba said proudly.
“So, I don’t know, maybe it would be best to…”
“AND SO IT ENDS, DEAR FATHER! FREEDOM! FREEDOM AND POWER!” Sharu screamed, leaping through the air to sink her teeth into Shokumura’s neck. He was borne down under her weight, at first screaming in a disturbingly realistic manner totally inconsistent with his thus-far demonstrated lack of acting talent. This was replaced quickly, however, with a kind of wet gurgling noise and a deep, terrified silence from everyone else on the screen, like a crypt at the dead of midnight.
“…………………………………………… Okay, never mind, let’s go and try not to leave any evidence we were here,” Haru said.