Yoongi's, honestly, an idiot. He must be. There isn't any other reasonable explanation. He just is.
And Namjoon is laughing in his face.
"What is this?"
Yoongi eyes the letter in Namjoon's hand. It's unopened. Yoongi blinks.
"It says it's from you."
"Did you write it?"
"Don't know," Yoongi says again.
"I think you did."
Yoongi clenches his jaw and looks at the letter again. It's in a small envelope, smaller than usual ones. And he can vaguely see his own handwriting on it. He knows he must have written it. And he figures he probably did it last night when he was drunk.
He can't just admit that, though.
Namjoon laughs again when Yoongi obviously struggles to come up with an answer. Yoongi sighs. He's an idiot. More specifically, Drunk Yoongi is an idiot. Yoongi's going to strangle him.
"Should I open it?"
Yoongi glares at him. "No."
"I'm going to open it."
"Do it and I'll break your speakers."
Namjoon pouts. "But hyung, you bought me those speakers."
"That just means I know how to break them."
"Well, it's not like it'd be hard to break speak—"
"Don't open it." Yoongi doesn't like how his voice nearly cracked when he said that. He looks away. They're in Namjoon's living room at his shitty apartment. Namjoon's birthday party was last night and since Yoongi was too drunk to drive home, he just crashed the night.
And apparently wrote Namjoon a drunk love letter.
"But you gave it to me."
I didn't. Drunk me did, Yoongi thinks. He wonders what's in the letter. Probably a bunch of shit about how cute Namjoon is, about how many songs Yoongi's written for him, about how sometimes, most times, Namjoon is the first thing Yoongi thinks about when he wakes up, about how Yoongi's been in love with him ever since they were kids, ages ten and nine, and Yoongi never wanted to let him go.
Probably just stupid shit like that.
Or maybe it's a just a letter saying what a good friend Namjoon is. He doubts it, though. Some of Yoongi's sappiest songs about Namjoon were written when he was drunk.
Namjoon is staring at him and Yoongi can see the question and curiosity in his eyes. Yoongi's heart lurches. What can he say? Namjoon seems to already suspect what could be in the letter. What else do people write letters for? Hell, Yoongi even drew a drunk little heart at the very top of it where the stamp would have gone. Yoongi doesn't even know where the fuck he found the paper and envelope.
"You can't hate me," Yoongi finally says as he looks away. "You aren't allowed to. I'm forbidding it."
Namjoon sucks in a breath, reaching over and putting his hand on top of Yoongi's. He's warm. Namjoon is such a clear light in his hungover sky. He can tell Namjoon's hungover, too. He's just slightly better at hiding it. Yoongi sighs and wraps his fingers around Namjoon's.
"I could never hate you, Yoongi-hyung."
Yoongi knows that. But he still fears it. He couldn’t imagine Namjoon ever hating him. He couldn't imagine not being exactly where he is now, which is hungover on Namjoon's couch with Namjoon's hand tightly grasped in his own. Nobody else stayed the night. It's just him. Always just him, right?
He sounds like an idiot. He feels like one, too.
He doesn't want Namjoon to open the letter.
"Don't open it yet."
Namjoon pauses and Yoongi's heart seems to speed up even more. But Namjoon nods and sets the letter down in his lap.
"I won't open it. I can throw it away if you'd like."
It seems like a thrilling idea. It'd make perfect sense to agree to it. But, as Yoongi has already decided, he's a dumbass.
"Don't throw it away. Just… don't open it, yet. Not until I say so, okay?"
Namjoon looks a bit surprised at that, but he nods again. He's cute. He's always so cute. And he's also hungover. God, they need to eat something. Yoongi groans when he finally focuses on his raging headache. Namjoon quirks a smile.
"Yes, please give me some."
Namjoon stands up, the letter falling off his lap and onto the floor. Yoongi pointedly does not look at it.
Namjoon finally manages to make his way to his medicine closet in the kitchen and grabs the ibuprofen and fills up two glasses with water. He makes his way back to Yoongi and when he settles back down on the couch with a soft, "Oof," Yoongi's throat catches when he realizes again just how in love with Namjoon he is.
Everything about Namjoon seems to encapsulate him sometimes. A warm blanket around his shoulders, a hot coffee in the mornings, a soft kiss pressed against his lips. Namjoon is all of that.
And yet Namjoon isn't his to tell that to.
It's frustrating almost and Yoongi takes the water and pills with a thankful smile. Namjoon is just so overwhelmingly warm. It infuriates him how warm he is. No person should be that warm. It isn't fair.
Because… because some days, Yoongi feels cold. He can't even begin to comprehend how anybody else could see him as warm. He couldn't see Namjoon looking at him and seeing the warmth that Yoongi sees from him.
Yoongi downs the medicine and drinks the entire glass of water. He needs food.
"Get up, birthday boy. I'll make us eggs or something."
Namjoon groans. "Why do I have to get up for that?"
Yoongi lightly kicks him in the shin. "Because I want company. And you're too far away in the living room."
Namjoon lets out a long-suffering sigh but gets up anyway. "It's not even my birthday anymore," he mutters and Yoongi snorts.
He thinks that love is warm. It's a nice thing to live for.
The letter he wrote remains on the ground, seemingly forgotten.
And the morning passes by easily.
When October comes around, it brings the chilly air with it. Yoongi's picking up Namjoon from school since it's one of the only days he has classes and Yoongi didn't want him walking to the bus stop in this weather. It was already beginning to drizzle and Yoongi knows Namjoon forgot his umbrella at home. He can't risk the senior getting sick and having to miss classes for his last semester of university.
He sees Namjoon immediately, the tall noodle of a man he is and Yoongi unlocks the door. He grins at the sight of Namjoon holding up his arm to protect him from the measly drops of rain and when Namjoon finally makes it to his car, Yoongi almost considers locking the door again and making him wait outside for a second longer.
But Namjoon's opening the door before he can, sliding in with a relieved sigh. His cheeks are flushed and beautiful and the easy grin he sends Yoongi's way has his heart racing. Yoongi doesn't let himself show how in love he is.
"You forgot your umbrella."
"I know, hyung."
Yoongi snickers, pulling out from the parking space and driving Namjoon back to his apartment. Namjoon's only going to be in that apartment for two more months. After that, they've agreed to move in together. Namjoon already has a job lined up and Yoongi said it'd be convenient for them both, in all aspects.
There was barely even a real conversation about it. They both agreed immediately.
Living in an apartment together had been one of their dreams as kids. Yoongi's glad it's finally coming to fruition.
"How was class?"
Namjoon shrugs. "Good. I thought we had a quiz today, but we didn't. Which I mean… cool, but also, I studied."
"Like you weren't."
Yoongi huffs but doesn't disagree. They sit in comfortable silence, Namjoon adjusting the music every now and then. He's on Yoongi's phone, shifting through Yoongi's playlist to get to a song he seems to be intent on listening to and Yoongi thinks it's such a dumb action for him to do, but it's still so endearing.
Yoongi considers telling him everything, sometimes. This moment is one of those moments. He thinks about reaching out and holding his hand tightly and then turning to him and just saying it.
"I love you."
Namjoon looks at him, startled, and Yoongi can't look back at him, doesn’t even want to risk it, did he really just say that out loud, how can he—
"I love you too, Yoongi," Namjoon laughs. The moment passes and he goes back to skipping every damn song in Yoongi's playlist. Yoongi lets out a breath.
Namjoon… Namjoon took it platonically. Somehow. Well, that makes sense. It's not as if they hadn't said it to each other before. But… so casually like that? Yoongi doesn't know. He can barely focus on Namjoon. He has to keep driving.
And he needs to keep his stupid mouth shut.
"Can we get a cat? Oh, or a dog?"
Yoongi looks up from his phone. "What?"
"For our apartment?"
Yoongi blinks owlishly at him, suddenly incredibly aware of how full Namjoon's lips are. "For our apartment?"
Namjoon raises an eyebrow. Yoongi catches up.
"Oh. Uh, yeah, I mean. I wouldn't mind."
"I… don't care. I guess… I'd prefer a dog, but… I don't know if I'd want a dog with me in an apartment, especially since we live on the third floor. So, I suppose a cat?"
Namjoon beams at him. "That sounds good. I'm okay with either one, too. What should we name it?"
Yoongi laughs. "We don't even have a cat yet. How the hell are we supposed to name it?"
"Parents come up with names for the babies before they're even born all the time."
Yoongi stops short at that. Parents. Babies.
That's… domestic as shit.
Namjoon is still looking at him when Yoongi zones back in. He doesn't know how long has passed since he posed the question, but Yoongi doesn't care. Namjoon doesn’t care, he knows that. He isn't like that.
"Oh," he says. "Well, I guess… something that fits."
"Something that fits."
"Can we name it something like, ridiculously edgy?"
Yoongi laughs. "Yeah? Like what?"
"I don't know! Skull, or something."
"I don't know! Something dumb like that."
Yoongi is beginning to crack up, the image of Namjoon playing with a cute kitten in his lap that's fucking named Skull. He laughs again, Namjoon joining in.
"You're a dumbass," Yoongi finally stops laughing to say.
"And you're mean."
Namjoon sighs and stands up, stretching as he does. They've been sitting on Namjoon's bed for the past few hours, Yoongi reading a book on his phone and Namjoon doing homework. Yoongi doesn't pay attention to Namjoon when he walks over to his side table and opens the small shelf.
But he does pay attention when Namjoon clears his throat and asks a hesitant, "Hey, hyung?"
Yoongi's gaze snaps to him. And there's that damn letter again.
"I really can throw it away if you want me to."
Why does he keep offering that? Yoongi thinks, almost petulantly, to himself. But he supposes it makes sense. Namjoon knows he probably wrote it when he was drunk and he knows that Yoongi was adamantly against him reading it. And… Yoongi doesn't want him to read it. Not yet.
"You still want me to read it?"
Namjoon just sends him a soft smile, an understanding smile, and places it back in the shelf before locking it away again. Yoongi wonders again if Namjoon already knows. Maybe he's known about how Yoongi has felt about him for years but didn't want to say anything out of respect for Yoongi.
But… Namjoon wouldn't do that. He would have brought it up eventually. He's too awkward to keep a secret like that hidden for too long. If Namjoon knew his best friend was in love with him, he'd say something. Eventually. It was in Namjoon's nature to want to communicate about things like that.
Even if he would be awkward and nervous about it.
So… no, Namjoon doesn't know. It relieves Yoongi a bit, but only a bit.
He still has feelings to watch out for, of course.
Yoongi, unfortunately, has barely gotten any sleep these past couple of days. He's been holed up in his studio, forcing himself to stay awake so that he could finish the song he was working on by the deadline which was moved up by over two weeks. He had protested, originally, but apparently, the singer's manager was insistent and well, now Yoongi was having to sleep only one or two hours a night in order to put in enough work for the song.
A knock on his door startles him enough he nearly falls over. He wouldn't have heard it if they came even seconds later, but Yoongi had been caught in a rare moment of silence, no music coming from his headphones as he adjusted the sound level of one of the instruments.
"Who is it?"
Namjoon. Yes. Of course.
Namjoon was already opening the door when he said it. Yoongi glances at him, instantly salivating at the coffee he's holding in his hand.
"That for me?"
Namjoon grins. "Nope. It's for my other best friend next door."
"Asshole." He reaches out for it and Namjoon hands it over gently. The first sip calms his exhausted and alert nerves. The second sip reminds him that he's human.
"Thank you," he finally manages to say, just as Namjoon takes a seat next to him. Namjoon laughs.
"Of course, hyung. I know how you can forget to eat food sometimes when you're working. When is it due?"
Yoongi glances at the clock. "Tomorrow. At noon. So… in twenty-two hours."
"You almost done?"
Yoongi nods. Namjoon pushes his chair closer to him, his hand pushing aside Yoongi's hair briefly. Namjoon smiles at him softly. Yoongi thinks he's beautiful.
"You'll do it, hyung. You always do."
Yoongi lets out a tired smile. "Thanks, Namjoon. For… for everything, I guess."
Namjoon bites his lower lip. Yoongi tries not to stare. "Of course, Yoongi. Anything for you."
The words have Yoongi's heart racing and he wishes he could let Namjoon stay, but Namjoon staying and even just watching him is a distraction enough sometimes, and Yoongi can't afford that right now, but just before Yoongi comes up with a way to politely tell his best friend to leave, Namjoon is already standing up, a knowing glint in his eyes.
"I'll leave you to it. I'll call you in a few to make sure you've eaten, though, okay?"
Yoongi sends him a grateful smile. "Okay. Yes. I'll eat."
Namjoon lingers for a second longer than usual, but finally, he leaves.
Yoongi lets out a relieved sigh and gets back to work. It seems like it takes a while for his heart to stop beating so quickly.
Exactly two months after Namjoon's birthday, Yoongi thinks about the letter he wrote again. He doesn't even know what's in there. What if, when Yoongi finally decides it might be time to just let Namjoon finally know, what he had said isn't enough to clearly express anything? What if Drunk Yoongi had simply dived into it without any explanation at all? Drunk Yoongi wasn't one to be trusted with emotions. Drunk Yoongi could not always be trusted.
So, obviously, Sober Yoongi had to pick up the slack here.
Which is how Yoongi comes to write a letter. He doesn't even know why he's written it already. He's not planning on giving it to Namjoon any time soon. It doesn’t even make sense why he'd write it so soon.
But it helped him. And Yoongi thinks of so many different scenarios in which he gave this to Namjoon. What would he say? What would he do? How would he react?
Would it get awkward? Would he get to kiss Namjoon? Would Namjoon laugh at him?
Yoongi honestly doesn't know, his mind coming up with viable excuses as to how each horrible and wonderful response could possibly happen.
Yoongi folds up the letter tightly and puts it in one of his old shoeboxes.
Not yet, he thinks.
It's the first time he thought about that.
Yoongi can't even come to a conclusive decision as to when he decided to tell Namjoon in the first place. He's pretty sure he's lived a good nearly-twenty years not saying a word to Namjoon about it and yet, now that he's written the letter and told Namjoon to hold onto it, he's decided to confess?
It just doesn't make any sense. But, at the same time, it does.
He reads over every song he's ever written about Namjoon again and again. He wonders if anything like what he says in his lyrics is in the letter.
If only he could read it first. That way he'd know what to put in his Official Letter that he's already rewritten five times over, the sentiment the same in each one of them, except the third one which was "Fuck you, I'm in love with you" as opposed to the other five which were, "I love you, please can I hold your hand and kiss you."
I love you, please can I hold your hand and kiss you? Maybe he should just say that. Maybe writing a letter is stupid. Maybe he should just go up to Namjoon one day and scream it in his face and walk away before he can face the rejection.
But Yoongi's already written six letters now, not including the drunk one, so he can't just give up on that idea. It may be a terrible one, but it's the one he's going with.
He's an idiot.
At least he's an idiot in love.
(No, he muses later. That doesn’t make it much better.)
When Namjoon gets out of his last class for the semester and for his university forever, Yoongi pulls him into a tight hug. Namjoon is giggling against him, his hands pressing into Yoongi's back gently yet firmly.
"You did it," Yoongi congratulates against his chest, pulling back to beam up at him. Namjoon returns the smile, eyes lighting up with happiness. Yoongi feels so proud and happy.
"I did it."
"I'm so proud of you."
Namjoon pulls him in even closer and Yoongi lets him. This is Namjoon's moment. And Yoongi lets Namjoon wrap himself around him completely.
"Thank you, hyung," Namjoon whispers into his neck.
Yoongi's breath hitches when he thinks Namjoon presses a light kiss against him. It's a ghost of a touch, though. And Yoongi isn't sure it even happened.
When Namjoon responds, he still doesn't let go.
"For being you."
Yoongi thinks the entire world could hear the beat of his heart.
Namjoon's graduation takes forever, but Yoongi doesn't mind anyway, sitting next to Namjoon's parents as they all cheer for him when he accepts his diploma. Other parents try to look at them judgingly but Yoongi glares at them when they try to and they pointedly look away.
When the ceremony finally ends, they all go out to eat at Namjoon's favorite restaurant, Namjoon and Yoongi pressed so closely together that he thinks Namjoon's parents send them amused, suspicious looks. They don't mention anything, though, and Yoongi laughs even harder when Namjoon makes a stupid joke after spilling his beer on his shirt.
Yoongi, in his drunken haze, suddenly decides that it's time to tell him. He wants to.
Yoongi spends all day the next day writing his letter. Namjoon is back in his apartment, beginning to sort out his things so he can pack up everything in a couple weeks. They text all day, Namjoon sending him pictures of things, asking him if he should keep it or not, and Yoongi replying after at least five items have been sent.
It's not as if his letter is even that long. It's just. Compact. It has a lot of emotions in it. There's a lot to confessing to your best friend of thirteen, almost fourteen years.
But it's honest. And real. And true. And when Yoongi finishes writing it, he thinks he's slightly excited to give it to Namjoon. He isn't even sure as to why.
Yoongi knows Namjoon, though. He wouldn't let something like this get between them.
His confidence is short-lived, however. Just two hours after he finishes writing the letter, he panics. He had decided on telling Namjoon this Friday when they were going to marathon their favorite movies together at Namjoon's place, but now he isn't sure if he should.
Yoongi sleeps on it and when he wakes up, he decides to just decide on the spot.
He's an idiot.
Yoongi brings it up before they've even made the popcorn.
Namjoon's gaze snaps to him.
Namjoon's eyes widen. "Oh."
"You want me to read it now?"
Yoongi nods. "Go get it. But don't read it. I… I have another letter to read to you first. As a sort of, disclaimer, I suppose."
Namjoon nods, leaving to grab the letter and returning much too quickly for Yoongi's beginning-to-panic mind.
Yoongi takes a deep breath and takes out the letter from his pocket.
"Shut up and listen. So, first, just… don't hate me, I guess. I know you won't, and I know you said you won't, but just—you aren't getting rid of me, okay, asshole?"
Namjoon smiles at him. "As if I wanted to."
Yoongi nods. He hates this. Why did he decide to do this? He should just back out. This is idiotic. The stupidest thing he's ever done, surely. Drunk Yoongi writing a love letter could be forgiven, but Sober Yoongi writing one? What the fuck was wrong with him? He—
"To Namjoon. It's your best friend, Yoongi. I just, I suppose, I have something to get off my chest. It's something you should know.
You're my light. You inspire me. You challenge me. You're there for me. Sometimes, I can't even believe how often you're there for me. I know I'm there for you, as well. I like to be. I want to be.
I just—you're just… really important, Namjoon. To a lot of people, but to me especially. I like the way you laugh a lot. And I like how you're an idiot sometimes because I am too. You make hyung feel better about being a dumbass. I like how honest you are with me. I try to be very honest with you, too. I like that I can be. You don't judge me, not seriously, and that's important to me. You don't try to change me. That's also important. You care about me for me.
And I care about you for you. I don't want to change you. I like you just the way you are. You push me to be a better person. Just by being yourself you do that. And I just want to explain a bit.
I realized I loved you when I was sixteen. Hell, I probably had a crush on you earlier than that, but I have my clear memory of realizing when I loved you. You were only fifteen, then. Damn, you were so young. I was, too.
You were at my house when I realized. And my parents were gone so I had to make dinner for myself. But I didn't really want to. I was probably just being lazy, but I remember how you immediately jumped up and offered to cook instead. You burned all of our food and I had to basically guide you through the entire process, but it still meant a lot. I remember telling you it wasn't really a big deal, but you felt so bad. You said stuff like I deserved to have good meals cooked for me and that that instance just proved that I definitely had to find someone who could cook for me. But I just remember thinking, Why does that matter? I kept thinking, Well, I can cook just fine. It doesn't matter that you can't cook. And I realized then. I realized I wanted it to be you. I realized I wanted to spend my life with you.
I definitely am the one that cooks for you now, but that's totally okay. It's something stupid and harmless, but meaningful. And. I love you, Namjoon. I've been in love with you for a long, long time, now, and can you believe I've been writing this short letter for over twelve hours now? I've taken so many breaks, it's unbelievable. Also, just get rid of everything you feel the need to ask about, why is that so hard for you?
Ah, but I do love you. I love talking to you. And being around you. I just love you. I don't think there's ever been a day in my life since I've known you where I haven't.
Anyway, I don't know what the fuck I wrote in that drunk letter, but I just wanted to clear this up first. I love you. It's nice to say out loud. Well, to write it.
I love you.
I'm so glad you're my best friend.
When Yoongi finally dares to look up, Namjoon has tears in his eyes. He's clutching the drunk letter tightly and Yoongi finally understands that he said it. He did it. He confessed.
Namjoon brings his arm up to wipe at his tears and Yoongi can't tell if they're good tears or bad tears. He thinks they're good tears, but why would they be good tears?
Namjoon is pulling him into a tight hug before Yoongi can ask that question out loud. He pulls back just a bit, one hand still pressed against his back, the letter still in his hand, and his other hand coming up to press gently against Yoongi's cheek.
"Can I kiss you?"
Yoongi stares for one single second and then presses forward before he can answer.
Yes, his body shouts.
When Namjoon's lips meet his, Yoongi gasps, Namjoon groaning slightly with him. The kiss feels delicate, heavy, it feels like all that warmth Namjoon tends to emit just from existing and Yoongi swears he's floating. Namjoon presses against him more and Yoongi groans, reciprocating easily, lips falling open as Namjoon presses in more. It's intoxicating. Namjoon feels intoxicating.
Yoongi pulls back.
"We definitely need to talk about this some more."
Namjoon hums, pulling him in for another kiss. It's softer this time. Gentle and chaste. Namjoon pulls back before Yoongi can decide otherwise.
"You're right. We do. But I love you, too, Yoongi. So so much. For so long. I love you. I love you."
The words nearly make Yoongi cry. Namjoon smiles at him, the warmth emitting from him shrouding them both now.
Namjoon holds up the other letter.
"Now can I read this?"
Yoongi groans. "Yes. But I don't know what's in it. Probably something embarrassingly sappy."
"Sappier than your letter just now?"
"I'll kill you, I will."
"I doubt anything could be sappier than that."
"Not that I minded. I loved it, actually. I love you, Yoongi."
On one hand, Yoongi can't believe it worked out so well. But on the other… maybe he already knew. Maybe that’s why he decided to tell him. Maybe he's known since Namjoon's knowing glint the day after his birthday.
"Did you know?
"That I loved you? That the letter was probably a love letter?"
Namjoon shakes his head. "No, not… really. I think it may have been a passing thought, but not something I considered seriously. I just wrote it off as my own emotions trying to create a fantasy for me."
"I'm a fantasy for you?"
Namjoon pulls Yoongi in closer, his lips ghosting just over Yoongi's. "You're that and more." Yoongi pushes him and laughs.
"Just read the letter. I'm sure it's horribly mawkish. Just know it's because of that letter I decided to write this one."
Namjoon nods seriously, Yoongi settling in closely to Namjoon again, thighs pressing together tightly. Yoongi doesn't want to look at it yet.
He hears the rustling of the paper and he sighs at the inevitable to come. He supposes he's thankful in a way. Like he said, it's because of this letter that he told Namjoon at all. It's because of this letter that Namjoon told him he loved him back. It's because of this confession letter that the idiot Drunk Yoongi wrote that spurred the idiot Sober Yoongi to confess.
Namjoon opens the letter and reads through it in what seems like seconds.
And then, he begins to laugh.
Yoongi takes in a deep breath.
"What? Why are you laughing?"
Namjoon laughs harder, not even able to respond to Yoongi with how hard he's losing his mind over the letter and Yoongi doesn't understand how he read it so quickly. Did Yoongi just write, I'm in love with you, bye or something equally ridiculous and short?
Yoongi grabs the letter and reads it.
i acciedntelly threw up on yuor carpet by the couch, im sory. love u. happy birhday
Yoongi stares down at the letter that is very much decidedly not a confession letter and Namjoon's laughter in the background brings back his situation.
This is the letter he's been stressing out so much about?
Namjoon seems to laugh even more at Yoongi's expression.
He confessed over this stupid thing?
Namjoon is in near hysterics at this point.
Yoongi decides once again, that honestly, he's an idiot. The biggest one out there. He must be. There just isn't any other reasonable explanation.
And Namjoon, like always, is laughing in his face.
(But he supposes it's not as bad this time around, since, well, it all worked out in the end.)