Work Header

You go on a lovely date with Joshu

Work Text:

   Y/N stepped out of your car and rung the doorbell to the Higashikata household. Instantly, numerous screams wailed because the Higashikata family had a lot of issues.

   "Dad, she's here, give me the money NOW." Joshu's voice boomed behind the door.

   You could hear sobbing- you guessed it was his dad.

   "Son, why can't you be nice?" Norisuke pleaded to his son behind the door. "Look, your siblings are so nice when they ask for money. Why can't-"

   "DAD GIVE ME THE MONEY YOU'RE EMBARRASSING MEEEE," he yelled. "Fuck you Josuke," he added, even though Josuke didn't even do anything behind closed doors.

   Norisuke cried as he paid his son $53.43 to his son. "Joshu....please be nice and respectful to your gf. Please, I need someone to handle you and she could help me oh my God. I can't even call you a NEET because you go to college for some stupid degree (I ain't checking the wiki to find out what I couldn't give less of a shit). You're a NET. A fucking NET. Please, just be nice."

   "Hoes before schmo's, dad. I gotta date." He opened the door and saw you. He chuckled. "Nice tits."

   You blushed and felt extremely concerned. "Um, thanks?"

   "Could be bigger though. I like em Z size." He went over to your car and got inside the driver's seat. "COME ON, I DON'T WANNA BE LATE TO THE MOVIE."

   Groaning, you went over to the passenger door, but did not open it. "Um, Joshu, can I drive my own car?" You asked such a stupid question, since this is YOUR car, after all.

   "Fuck you," Joshu said.

   "Okay," you said as you got into the passenger seat.

   Joshu revved up your car and went 69 mph (lol get it because Joshu likes se) and went to the movies.

   "What's the newest Johnny Depp movie?" He asked you as he accidentally locked you in your own car.

   Using your fist to break the window, you crawled out like that bitch from the Ring. "Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Grindelwald."

   "Yes! Harry Potter!" Joshu cheered as he entered the theater. "I use it in so many political arguments and I win every time. WAKANDA FOREVER, BITCH."

   You followed him without correcting him because Joshu Pussyslayer69 Higashikata is always right. You got in line with him, right behind a hot sailor and his pompadour friend.

   Joshu tapped the sailor on the shoulder. "What are you seeing?"

   "Bohemian Rhapsody," the sailor man said. He was Kira. The non murderous one. "Freddy Mercury is such an inspiration to me. When I was a young boy, I was moved by his innovation when it came to music. I mean, using bicycle horns in song? What inspiration! Opera, in rock? Unheard of! Surely, he is a God amongst men when it comes to-"

   "Are you guys gay or something?" He asked as he pointed to Josefumi.

   Josefumi shrugged. Kira glanced between himself and Josefumi. "That's debatable."

   "Hahaha," Joshu said. "I like tits."

   You got your tickets and you then went into the snack line. Joshu ordered a lot of popcorn, some soda, and a baggie with mysterious white powder in it.

   "Hehe, drugs," he said.

   You entered the theater, where it was empty because this movie seriously sucks ass (Please take my word for it folks, this is a no go chief). He sat down in front and you sat next to him, which caused Joshu to FFHOIDFIAODJSIPFHUDF.

   "Wait, what's wrong?!" You asked.


   "But...I thought this was a date where we, you," you argued.

   Joshu laughed. "No, you're like, a.....loser??? And like, uncool for me???? Like???? Why are you like this????? Why???? Lol???? Idiot????? Okay????? Get it????????"

   You nodded. "Okay."

   As the movie happened, Joshu began monching loudly on the popcorn. He then took out a froot.

   "Is that a rokakaka?!" You yelled from across the theater, as you could not sit next to him or in any seat he bought. "Isn't that, like, important to the plot of JoJolion?"

   Joshu ate that whole fucker with a SNEEF sound. "Lmao so?"

   "Never mind."

   The movie ended and you **insert your opinion on the movie**. Joshu groaned.


   "Joshu, why are you a communist?" You asked.

   "For the free stuff give me free stuff." Joshu didn't understand much things, and his IQ went down twenty points.

   You two went back into the car, with Joshu driving again.

   "I...uh...had fun," you murmured to Joshu.

   "I did too, person of the XX chromosomes." He said. "And...could I ask you a favor?"

   You nodded, not caring what happens. "Yeah?"

   He pulled out a gun and held it to your neck. "Get the fuck out."

   Sweat beaded down your forehead. "WHAt?!" You asked.

   "This car is my actual gf. I just used you to get it. Now go if you don't wanna die."

   Sighing, you got out and Joshu sped away.

   Later that night, as you tried to sleep, you heard Joshu making sweet love to your metal beauty as Queen's "I'm In Love With My Car" boomed all across Morioh.