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That Didn't Really Happen...Did It?

Summary:

Mary Winchester would be shocked to hear all the terrible things Sam and Dean have endured. But how would she react to finding out about their sillier adventures that stretch the limits of plausibility? This question is answered with a little help from a bit of holiday-based alcohol consumption and a horror movie marathon.

Notes:

This is definitely different from what I normally write, but I couldn't let this idea go. This first part takes place immediately after "Mint Condition."

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Halloween

Chapter Text

“So,” said Mary, “how did the hunt go?”

“Great,” said Dean, smiling. “I killed Hatchet Man!”

“Who?” she asked, nonplussed.

“David Friggin’ Yeager!” Dean clarified, though Mary looked no less puzzled.

Sam sighed. “Hatchet Man is a character from a series of horror movies from the ‘80s. And it wasn’t really Hatchet Man; you got strangled by a mannequin that looked like Hatchet Man because it was being possessed by a ghost that I burned.”

“Yeah, whatever…” Dean popped open a bottle of beer and handed a second bottle over to Sam. “So what’s next on our horror movie lineup?”

Sam checked the guide on his phone. “Uh…Hell Hazers 2.”

“Huh…” Dean’s forehead wrinkled. “Hey, isn’t that the one we saved?”

“What?” asked Sam, confused.

“No, you remember, the haunted movie set? There were a bunch of old ghosts, and the bad writer summoned them because he wanted revenge…”

“Oh, yeah,” said Sam, the distant memory finally bobbing to the surface.

“Good times,” commented Dean as the movie’s creepy music began and the title Hell Hazers II: The Reckoning splashed across the TV screen in dripping, blood red letters.

“The movie still sucks.” Sam settled more comfortably into his chair and took a sip of his beer.

“Hey, we improved it,” retorted Dean. “Look, they’re even using the stuff we added. It’s gotta be one of the top ten teen ghost movie sequels of the decade.”

Sam scoffed. “You just like that one lead actress.”

“Her name is Tara Benchley,” he said defensively. “And so what? It’s not every day we run into someone famous.”

“We’ve met plenty of famous people, Dean. It just doesn’t always go well.”

“Really? Name one.”

Sam leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “Well, let’s see…We met Gunner Lawless.”

“Yeah, right before he became demonic puppy chow.”

“We met Snooki.”

“Yeah, not sure getting exorcised really helped her career…”

Sam started counting off on his fingers. “Vince Vincente…”

“A.K.A. the actual Devil…”

“President Mickey Rooney…”

“Also the actual Devil…”

“Oh! Paris Hilton!”

“Wasn’t that just a pagan god pretending to be Paris Hilton?”

“She still kicked your sorry a** before I chopped her head off.”

Sam could see the gears spinning in Dean’s head as he searched for another example. “Well, if you count time travel, I got to hunt with Eliot Ness.”

“And I got to hunt with Samuel Colt.”

“I hunted with Scooby Doo! And I met Dr. Sexy!”

“Dean, I was there for both of those, and they were both artificial constructs of fictional characters.”

“Huh…” Dean pondered. “Does Dorothy count?”

“Dorothy Baum?” Sam furrowed his brow. “Yeah, I guess. Though we haven’t seen her since she returned to Oz after that Wicked Witch mess.”

The brothers lapsed into silence, watching a few drunken teenagers getting chased through the woods onscreen.

“Um,” interjected Mary, the brothers jumping as if they had forgotten she was still there, “How did…When…” she sighed. “You know what? I probably don’t want to know.”

The brothers shrugged, each turning back to the T.V. and sipping their beer in perfect synchronization. The three Winchesters sat in silence for a few minutes, their eyes on the screen.

Suddenly, Dean snapped his fingers at another recollection. “I killed Hitler!”

Sam rolled his eyes and settled back into his chair to enjoy the rest of the awful, terrible movie.