So I follow my own rules
And I use them as my tools
To stay alive
I don't want to be special
I just wanna survive
Kurt had come in to the sweaty, disgusting, mold filled locker room to do one final thing; end things with Karofsky. The bullying had pushed Kurt to the breaking point and he was finally done. He could handle the occasional dumpster – tosses, name calling, and a locker check or two. However, lately with Karofsky the violence had been amped up to eleven. He was getting bruises and cuts, the shoves were more deliberate looking and a hell of a lot harder. Kurt felt like a fawn that was being chased after by a ruthless hunter. He was just waiting for his head to end up stuff and mounted on the wall on Karofsky’s bedroom wall.
Currently he was spewing unchecked anger, his father’s temper was leaking out. He may be a lot like his mother but if there was anything at all he got from his father, it was the anger. Sure he had to be pushed more than his father to fully lose it and this was too far for him. He couldn’t take the abuse anymore, he was sick of being Karofsky’s ragdoll that he could throw around whenever he decided to throw a temper tantrum. Except that was exactly what was happening to him.
Lost in his thoughts and his mouth functioning on its own, which happened far too often according to his father, he had been slammed against the locker. His head was starting to ring, he had really shoved him into the locker hard. This wasn’t normal, this was bad. How many lines had he crossed? He didn’t care what he said, because he was stating the truth but the Neanderthal most likely couldn’t understand what he was saying to him. Before he could fully open his mouth to protest, they were met with Karofsky’s slimy lips on his own. His breath was strong, as his mouth was forcefully explored Kurt felt his throat closing on him. He couldn’t breathe. He was panicking, this was a panic attack. He didn’t squirm or move a muscle, he was too busy inwardly panicking. His body went cold the moment he felt Karofsky’s hands on his stomach. Bits of black were starting to invade his vision. He forced himself to shut his eyes as he felt a tug at his belt.
When Kurt opened his eyes back up, he was stuck on the floor of the locker room. He checked his phone and realized that he had missed at least two classes. Had no one wondered where he was? Had he just hit his head and knocked himself out, imagining the entire experience? He sat up but the soreness he felt made him realize that his worst thoughts had come through instead of the idea that maybe it was all some messed up nightmare. He got up slowly and looked in the mirror, his Gucci sweater had been torn towards the bottom and his pants were on backwards. He shakily took a comb out of his bag and fixed his hair, not caring about the rest of the way he looked. He put his earbuds on, fingers shaking as he clicked a playlist of soft Broadway tunes and made his way to class.
He kept his head down all day long, not looking up once. He went straight home after school and shut his phone off, deciding it would be a distraction and turned the shower on to nearly blistering temperature. He stepped in and grabbed a soap bar instead of his regular moisturizing gel. He scrubbed. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed but there was no more hot water and his skin was bright red from the boiling shower. He quickly changed into a pair of sweats and a shirt, the colors clashed but he didn’t want his silk satin pajamas tonight, he didn’t want to get them dirty. He walked silently up to the attic and climbed up, walking over to his mom’s dresser and opening everything up. He shut his eyes and leaned back against the wall. He felt himself being enveloped in his mother’s embrace, starting to drift off to sleep. Instead of peaceful sleep he found nightmares. Rough hands were all over his pasty body, he was sobbing with one of Karofsky’s hands on his mouth to keep him quiet. It was blurry, fast, and messy. It was a nightmare. It had to be just one fucked up nightmare.
He awoke to his alarm and shakily walked to his mom’s dresser, pressing his hand to his lips and then his mother’s dresser – their silent ‘I love you’. He walked downstairs to hear Burt and Finn laughing and the smell of bacon, which only made him want to hurl. He went down to the basement and dressed. It felt as if he wasn’t there, that maybe Karofsky was reality and this was just a nightmare. He tried to put a smile on his face but was unable to even manage a twinge of happiness. He walked to the kitchen and grabbed his keys, jingling them, “Coming Finn?” he asked, looking straight through his brother. Finn nodded and wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve before nodded, mouthful of food still being chewed.
Kurt didn’t speak during the drive, he wondered if Finn could sense his energy because even Finn kept quiet but he could feel his eyes on his body. “What is it Finn?” He breathed out as they stopped at a light.
Finn frowned slightly and sighed, “You’ve never missed Glee, especially since we’re going to do solos in a couple of classes. Shue wants you to try out for one and you just…aren’t you.”
His explanation may have been fumbling with his words, nothing new, but Kurt had been able to talk about nothing else since this had happened, going over different song choices with everybody he could get to listen. “Just tired,” Kurt lied and soon pulled into his space at school.
He ignored another odd look from Finn and watched him get out and go straight to Rachel. Kurt’s hands wrung back and forth against the steering wheel as he tried to calm himself. He was unsure if he could get himself into the halls of the school. He’d much rather be in a dumpster than here. He got out anyway and stood up, trying to hold himself with pride. He walked inside quietly, his hands tight on his messenger bag. He went to his locker and quickly got the books he needed for his classes.
When he decided to look around, Karofsky walked by with a smirk and a wink making Kurt run for the bathroom, more vomit. He decided hiding out at the nurse’s office was better than going to any class. He mumbled about a stomach bug before getting her to let him lay down. He put on his ear buds, curling into the fetal position as he listened to soothing music. He was terrified, he couldn’t even walk the hallway without feeling sickly. He needed an escape, someone who wouldn’t talk. Of course, his best friends were some of the biggest gossip and what happens in glee club never seems to just stay in glee club, despite what Mr. Shue keeps saying to make people feel more comfortable. He would find someone he could trust, maybe once he found them he could stop feeling so ill or just stop feeling all together.