The philosophy of life leaves you hanging with many questions, some answered by science and some, they just happen.
Love is just one of them. You don’t know how it happened, you can’t understand why it happens, but when reality hits you, there is no way out.
It has been a year, and Yanjun can’t seem to brush it off as just a fleeting phase. Someone who was just his friend, becoming his crush, and then pushing off the thought from his mind after much consideration. It’s been a year and he realizes, the longer he waits, the more he wants.
The more he tries to play it cool, the more it hits him.
I like him.
Yanjun traces his gaze along that beautiful and familiar sight, eyes staying a little too long to admire that sparkle in his eyes. They were always bright, he was intelligent, and Yanjun was longing for him.
Touching him was simple, casual, to the point that they were used to it. That is if you neglect the fact that he had always wished for something more, something not just friends do.
As roommates, it was inevitable that they became close. Too close for comfort, Yanjun feels, he doesn’t even dare to think about how he reacts upon the mere thought of that guy now.
How many times he mentions Zhangjing’s name in the day but brushes off the teasing accusations from friends that could read his mind. How many times he had watched Zhangjing deep in sleep, wishing that he was right beside him, lightly stroking his hair while he nuzzles towards his chest. How many times he had woken up with his heart racing, vividly recalling a wet dream, in worry that Zhangjing had heard him moaning his name out loud?
His vision growing hazier, it felt like smog had coated his eyes. The sides of his mouth pulled up into a wide grin, his hands gingerly caressing the boy’s face. Every touch felt like fire dancing on his fingers. He loved the feeling of desire. He loved the fire burning in his body.
The alcohol flowing through his veins tickling every nook and cranny of his entire being, he feels free. His mind in a swirl, a mess, the potency of those drinks fogging up his mind. While Yanjun convinced himself that he was walking straight, his mind could not even form a straight line.
“Yanjun, you don’t drink,” Zhangjing mentions, a surprised look on his face when he takes a sip of liquor of his own.
It was obvious from the deep red shade of his face and those wobbly steps, Yanjun just nods in agreement.
“Mhm,” he smiles like an idiot, triggering a laugh from the latter. Yet at the next few steps, Zhangjing decides that letting him walk will be a dangerous task, so he pulls him to the nearest couch to rest.
“Time to sober up babe,” he says it as a joke while patting his cheeks, “I’ll go and hit the dance floor, don’t die before I come back.”
And then he’s gone.
This was Xukun’s coming out party.
Somehow, Yanjun was feeling even worse from merely joining in the celebration.
Coming out party.
The bitter feeling that rises up his chest as he sighs.
Not that he hasn’t came out to his friends, but because he hasn’t told him.
His feelings, his sexual identity, basically what made him who he is.
Initially afraid that the guy would be afraid of him if he knew that he was different from the rest. Then he had stumbled upon Zhangjing’s secret, but hasn’t found a prime opportunity to reveal that he knows.
He spots the guy by the dance floor, having the time of his life dancing to some popular song that has been trending on the music charts the past few weeks. Taking no notice of what song was playing, all he could see and watch and hear was the guy clad in a simple white tshirt and an expensive black jacket, ripped jeans accentuating his thick thighs yet they seem too tight for comfort.
He reaches out to grab another shot of alcohol from the waiter, scowling at its bitterness as it runs down his throat but that’s what he needs right now.
Recently, it has gotten worse.
The image of Zhangjing flashes by in his mind every few seconds, Yanjun feels like he is becoming insane. With his heart beating too fast for him to catch up, he feels like the pace of his walking, the speed of the air coursing in and out of his lungs, and basically everything was moving too quickly for usual pace. The only thing that slows him down are those eyes of his, glistening under those garish lights as Yanjun remembers; all those images that flashed by are all of him.
Something hits him and there goes his sharp eyes looking as if it was going to kill someone.
Not exactly, it was just how he had looked like for majority of the time. It was no different while he heads towards Zhangjing, nodding wildly to the beat and he does that huge bright smile upon seeing Yanjun.
Why is my heart beating so fast again? Why is my body twitching uncontrollably? Why can’t I keep my hands to myself?
Yanjun finds himself asking as he watches Zhangjing, fuck he’s so pretty. His actions almost giving him away, his hand almost reaching out for Zhangjing’s waist until his words cut him.
“You’re more sober now I guess,” he states, bouncing his body up and down as Yanjun retracts his hand as if it never happened. Perhaps, Zhangjing seemed like he hasn’t realized, thank goodness.
That was before Yanjun throws in an insane request, “I want to dance with you.”
He settles in nicely, swaying hips to the music, mirroring Zhangjing who was enjoying himself to the brim. Sure, Yanjun was enjoying himself too but instead, it was from the close proximity between them.
Even his odd question didn’t seem to be noticed by Zhangjing. Jackpot.
Slowly, the beat switches from song to song, the mood builds up and it’s Xukun doing his DJing shit.
Zhangjing takes a short glance at the DJ stall, turning back only to find dark pupils watching him closely.
Something that got his heart racing, yet he doesn’t look away.
Something was calling for his attention.
“He’s enjoying himself, right?” His tone is sharp, piercing gaze not making things better while Zhangjing bit his lip.
“Yeah,” it’s a casual reply from Zhangjing, a useless one even, Yanjun’s question had made no sense because he could see it for himself.
Zhangjing hasn’t sensed something out of the ordinary, he just went with the flow.
“Are you?” Yanjun asks, shifting closer but Zhangjing doesn’t move back. Somehow, being this close didn’t feel out of the ordinary, even though they had never done this before.
“Are you enjoying yourself?” he repeats his question, his head moving close but Zhangjing stays still. Too stunned by his question, too carried away to realise that Yanjun’s hand has been nicely fitted on his waist, pulling him closer than he should.
Yanjun feels weird. He knows that he is crazy. He leans over to Zhangjing and gazes at his eyes, lingering a little too long. Still, Zhangjing doesn’t push him away.
I’ve warned you.
He leans further in till their lips touch, gliding his hand along Zhangjing’s back to position his body. Zhangjing must have been surprised, mouth kept agape as Yanjun bites a little, sucks a bit more on his upper lip. The bottom lip was next, the one he was waiting for because the reddish shade was always enticing, before his tongue moved in and searched for entry. He loved the texture, he loved the taste and everything about it. And he loved the feeling of Zhangjing’s tongue swirling in his mouth, those plump lips pressing against his and friction of their lips rubbing against each other’s.
They stop only when they feel like stopping. There must have been another change of songs, because the background sounds different.
Yanjun looks at Zhangjing, who does not leave his eyes off him.
Stop having those huge bright eyes at me again. You’re in danger, I’m losing control. You’re my best buddy, what am I thinking, what am I even doing? Go away.
No, please stay.
The thoughts take turns to order Yanjun around on what he should be saying. Eventually, he only looks down and says, “I’m sorry.”
Removing hands which were cupping Zhangjing’s neck by now, he turns around to go back to the couch. He does not want to show Zhangjing his eyes anymore. Because if he did, he can never remove him from his mind.
Zhangjing watches as Yanjun settles down nervously back on the couch, as if whatever that just happened didn’t. Yet he seemed tense from the awkward posture and shifting eyes. Observing the people passing by. Staring at couples, friends, and even the staff doing their thing. Looking at anywhere except to his direction.
Yanjun suddenly stands up and stops a waiter, taking over a shotglass and gulped down whatever it contained.
Zhangjing was still watching him, cheeks burning, still rooted on the dance floor. The blaring music softer than any of his thoughts, Yanjun’s actions, previously and now, replaying in his mind over and over again.
He calls for a next glass, pushing it down his throat yet again.
The way his eyes shut tight with every gulp, Zhangjing could see how it stings, it burns, how his eyebrows knit together but he doesn’t stop.
And Zhangjing knows that he cannot bear to see him like this any longer.
He walks over to Yanjun’s side, taking a seat beside him and reaches out for his hand just as he puts down the glass.
The shock on his face as those soft, gentle fingers grab onto his, interlocking fingers.
He shifts his attention from the point of contact to his eyes, watching him for any indication of what it had meant.
At this point, Yanjun was too afraid to think further.
What he wished for and what had happened. What he wants and what he needs. What does Zhangjing mean?
Those eyes that were watching him, what were they searching for? Those blown pupils, they seemed to have found they were looking for. He had this indescribable feeling that it was in fact, mirroring his feelings.
Of desperation, of need, of want.
It could be his own thoughts telling him what he wants to hear, it’s Zhangjing, the person he knew best, but now, he felt like he was unable to read his mind.
“Dance with me, Yanjun,” and Zhangjing stood up, his hand tugging onto his arm from their locked fingers.
Yanjun couldn’t tell anymore, what Zhangjing was ever thinking.
Yet when he feels the strength pulling onto his entire body, he just went with the flow. Just because his mind went blank, it didn’t reduce the warmth of those hands tightly holding on to his, how it was smooth unlike his, how the heat slowly seeped into his body and gave him that little bit of hope.
Back on the dance floor, Yanjun’s feet seemed to be stuck onto the ground as he watched Zhangjing with widened eyes, mouth agape, hands at a loss of what to do.
By then, Zhangjing had already let go of his hand and was swaying to the music.
But that was not the main point.
Because those hands were now tightly hooked onto the back of his neck, while his eyes watched…and watched…and his gaze never left.
It was telling Yanjun something.
Much, much more than he would have ever planned for.
The glistening layer across the cornea told him even more.
And the way the grip tightened, it seemed to be pulling him closer.
What do you mean? Why-
His train of thoughts cut immediately. Answers fed to him just as what he needs.
Lips pressed tightly onto his, an invasive tongue too eager to wait, his arms pulling him closer as what he needs. It only takes Yanjun a few seconds before he understands, he finally understands everything.
Returning the kiss with a forceful suck on his lip, Zhangjing moans in pleasure as he searches for yet another route in. Just the vibration from the sound triggers him to do much more, to go further, as he leans closer and shoves his tongue in.
You Zhangjing, you would never imagine the number of times I wished we could do this but was too afraid you would think I was crazy.
I guess at this point, we both are crazy.
But we are not to be blamed, right?
You Zhangjing, I want you.
His arms circling around his waist to hold him closer, almost to the point of hugging him as they deepened the kiss just like what they knew.
The increasingly hot mess becoming nothing to them, pressing closer than they ever knew about each other. Those amazing groans from just how great they felt in each other, ignoring the outside world and anyone that would have seen them.
For now, all that mattered was each other, and fulfilling their own desires.
It was only when he felt himself on the way to losing total sanity, and the poke against his thigh, did he manage to stop the kiss.
Zhangjing was already looking at him before he called his name, yet his eyes seemed to widen upon hearing him.
“I…you, I mean…we’re both…,” he tries to find the words to say, gesturing a whole mess but he doesn’t get to finish his sentence before Zhangjing leans over to his ear and whispers, “I can feel it too. Can we…”
Nervousness coated in his voice as it trails off, seemingly rushed and needy when he shifts his hands under his shirt, lightly grazing along the skin as he leans in to kiss his jaw.
Yanjun throws his head back in pleasure, every touch was striking him all too strongly, every kiss making him feel like he could succumb to anything in the world.
Zhangjing stops the kiss drags Yanjun by the hand, fingers tightly interlocked as they walked out of the place, not even hearing the faint call of their names from the DJ stall.
Maybe it was all for the best, because any longer, no, he couldn’t even wait much longer.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Yanjun who was completely baffled by his sudden actions, following eagerly behind Zhangjing, wrist fitted within his sweet little palm as he pulled him towards the alley.
“The same reason as you.”
Zhangjing shoots back his reply as he stops halfway, turning to face Yanjun. His face softens upon hearing the annoyed tone in his voice. He turns away, away from Yanjun’s curious gaze. He loosens his grip only to feel Yanjun grabbing hold of his thumb by reflex.
“I-,” Yanjun starts, because he feels the need to say something amidst the confusion.
“I couldn’t tell you,” Zhangjing cuts him off while lifting his gaze off the floor and back towards him, what he could have made out as uncertainty, as desperation or perhaps even fear… the fear of facing his feelings.
“Then why now?” Yanjun replies. The why of every question, was that even the most important now?
“I think I would go crazy just thinking about you.”
Louder than his thoughts, clearer than his mind.
That was exactly how Yanjun had felt too.
It takes him a few seconds to respond, now Yanjun is taking the lead to drag them both back to their dorm.
A five minutes walk that seemed like ages despite heading there at the speed of running. That very moment that took him sufficient self-control to suppress his desire to kiss him again right then and there, exactly like how his stupid puppy eyes, his words, his voice was tempting him to.
Barely making it back safely, it didn’t take them much longer for their only point of contact, the wrist grab, to escalate to deep kissing.
With Zhangjing lain onto Yanjun’s bed, the latter hovering above him, caressing his face and playing with his hair.
“Is this a spur of the moment?” Yanjun asks, worried that Zhangjing was only carried away thanks to the aftereffects of alcohol.
“What do you think? If you’re worried I can go back to my bed,” Zhangjing teases, lifting a finger to poke his dimple. Triggering a laugh before bringing his thumb to rub his lips, while Zhangjing’s gaze was stuck onto his. Yanjun silently watches him, emotions pouring in like a tsunami before Zhangjing frowns and gets up to leave, but Yanjun pushes him down with one hand.
“You’re definitely not going anywhere,” Yanjun whispers beside his ear, leaning over to Zhangjing’s lips and they share a kiss. They reek of alcohol, but tasted like sugar.
Yanjun continued with his alternating kisses which he knew Zhangjing had enjoyed earlier, and Zhangjing wanted to return the favour.
“Urgh,” Yanjun’s low growl has proved Zhangjing’s actions a great success, the pleased grin he couldn’t wipe off his face afterwards.
Yanjun shifts his lips down and sucks on his jaw, hearing the intensifying moans and feeling the sudden jolt against his body. Zhangjing must have liked it.
He traces his tongue along his neck, leaving a trail of saliva wherever he went, until he found a good spot to bite on. He tried to tone down his kissing, ensuring that it was light enough not to be too painful, but hard enough to leave a mark afterwards.
He was done, and he sees Zhangjing staring at him as he was touching the reddened spot along his neck. He fixes his gaze on him and smiles.
“Can I undress you?” Yanjun asks nicely, it’s strange how they are asking each other when they have changed in front of each other several times and would have seen close to everything before.
Zhangjing nods, raising his arms as Yanjun removes the tshirt. The jacket he was wearing had made its way to the floor much earlier. Zhangjing was beautiful, yes, but he looked exceptionally beautiful that day, especially when his skin was flushed, the colour of desire.
Yanjun himself pulls away his tshirt with little effort, despite not having abs, he had a lean body with a dashing shade of tan, that Zhangjing could have never seen enough off.
Well, Yanjun had always slept topless regardless, but he always had some liking for the blanket that Zhangjing wished he could fling it out of the window.
“You’re going for the bottom right?” Yanjun asks with no shame, as Zhangjing’s hands were tracing the faint outline of those soon to appear abs.
Zhangjing is startled by his sudden question, from how his face heated up and the sudden drawing back of his hand.
“No one ever asks this so directly,” Zhangjing doesn’t seem too pleased by his question, slapping his chest hard but that was only because he was shy.
There’s Yanjun laughing so hard to that action, before Zhangjing throws his arms over his neck and pull him close enough to kiss him once. And another, and another…
Yanjun gets the signal, but decides to tease him further.
Holding himself up, he plants a kiss on Zhangjing’s eye before saying, “I haven’t got your answer yet.”
Zhangjing rolls his eyes at him before hitting his chest yet again.
“Just do it, will you?” Words flying out of his mouth at light speed while Yanjun settles in between his legs with a wide grin on his face.
“Do what?” Yanjun giggles, Zhangjing getting frustrated at his antics.
His heart was beating so fast, to the point that he was amazed that it could have such an effect on him.
Maybe, he had always loved him more than just a friend.
Yanjun’s hand reaches for the rim of Zhangjing’s jeans, unbuttoning and pulling down the zipper easily.
His eyes emanating lust and desire. The way they widened seeing the bump poking against the underwear and how he had swallowed the lump stuck in his throat.
In no time, Zhangjing was stripped off completely.
He decided, that going too fast would scare Zhangjing off, so he started slowly by fondling with the length to spread the precum that had already pooled around the area. Only when Zhangjing’s moans became more rhythmic, he understood that Zhangjing was ready.
“Urgh…Ah!” Zhangjing groaned as Yanjun’s mouth took over and started licking the head, before moving in to swallow more of his length. He looks up at Zhangjing, who had thrown his head back and arched his body to deal with the rising heat, the trembling sensation and the thought of Yanjun sucking him off. Fingers curled up dragging against his scalp, he holds back the urge to smile; yet his dimples are fully pressing down on his cheeks.
Feeling a jerk against his mouth, he decides to end it there before it goes too fast. Removing his mouth steadily, he then kneels in front of Zhangjing, placing Zhangjing’s hands on the waist of his jeans.
“Do it for me,” Yanjun asks. Zhangjing listens.
An open desire; the thought of undressing him only made Zhangjing more excited for what was coming.
So he does, Yanjun grabbing onto his hair and pushes him nearer, edging him to go faster, to go deeper, removing his mouth just when it gets hard enough, but not to the point where it spills.
They shared another kiss, wild and deep, till Yanjun’s grip on his shoulders’ tighten.
“Give me one second,” Yanjun asks, Zhangjing nodding to his request.
Walking to the dresser, he was nervous for what was coming. In any case, this was their first night together; not as two individuals, but as one whole.
Not about how I see you or you see me, but about us.
More importantly, no longer the secret I can’t tell, but the secret shared between us.
“The birthday present you guys got me would be put into good use,” Yanjun grins, shifting over to Zhangjing’s side while swiftly tearing open the packaging and throwing it into the bedside bin.
Zhangjing shyly looks over while Yanjun prepares, sliding the condom onto his length and smearing lube before positioning himself at his entrance.
An odd feeling creeps up his shoulders as Zhangjing realizes that this is the first time they are just bare bodies facing each other. Never had they once showered together, never had they once completely changed their clothes in front of each other.
It was like a whole new experience just watching him like this, in first person, being his, with him.
Yanjun doesn’t speak, yet the smile on his face says it all.
A way to sum it up was, they loved what they saw, and they loved how they felt. About each other, towards each other. It was like an unsaid burden thrown off their shoulders. They felt lightweight, carefree.
Yanjun scoots over to Zhangjing’s side and pushes his thighs apart. Sensing the jitters from the mild shivering of Zhangjing’s legs, he places a hand over his thighs, lightly rubbing his skin like a warm embrace, a cute tickle. His handsome face moves over, hovering above Zhangjing’s countenance, rubbing their noses lightly till it brings out that adoring smile from Zhangjing.
“You’ll be fine, okay?” He asks softly, pressing a light kiss to his lips. Zhangjing returns it with a smile.
“Trust me?” He adds.
Receiving a fervent nod, with one hard slide, he is in. A feeling that was indescribable with words, but easily expressed in syllables. He moans to every push inwards, every kiss that covers his lips and encircles his tongue, moving his body to cooperate, complementing each other like how the pieces of a puzzle fit together.
Appreciating the warm touch guiding this dance, sharing the desire and expressing their passion the best they could call it.
While the expression on his face shows that he is in pain, the moans that escape from his mouth express the joy in this feeling. Yanjun stays with his assuring gaze, not taking his eyes off Zhangjing as he pushes into him. He wants to see the pain, the joy and the satisfaction he is offering, altering his moves from time to time to suit their pleasure.
Thrusting harder, it was Zhangjing who started first, he body jerking wildly before he spilled a mess of white onto Yanjun’s stomach and on the cream-coloured bedsheets. Continuing, he feels the length trembling against the skin of his ass, feeling the warm liquid filling him up in spurts when Yanjun reached his own orgasm.
By the time they had finished, the alcohol effect was almost gone. Yanjun headed to the washroom to wash up and to throw away the condom, returning with a towel to wipe Zhangjing clean.
“I thought you’ll already be sucked into the shower by now,” Zhangjing mentioned as a matter of factly as Yanjun helped to clean him up.
“Did you know? I finally found something more important than my showers,” Yanjun says with a dimpled grin, lying down beside Zhangjing, putting down the towel.
Zhangjing waits for him to continue, watching him with big bright eyes.
Zhangjing’s eyelids close shut just as Yanjun plants a kiss on them, one after another, then one at the tip of his nose, and then on his lips, which he reciprocated.
“Stay with me here tonight,” Yanjun asks, pulling Zhangjing close for a hug as if he was a baby needing all-around protection in that tight embrace.
“I will,” he replies.
It takes them a while to fall asleep on each other’s arms. This was one of the nights where they were both kept awake for a long while, way past their usual sleeping time. Entertained by Yanjun’s hilarious cold jokes that Zhangjing knows he dug it up from that one specific website he spends ten hours a day on, comforted by the hugs and kisses to make up for every lost moment that they had spent beside each other, but not together.
Of all the things I wanted to do with you, this is just one of them.
We have many things to do together in future, I hope we can fulfil them.