My dearest confident. My secret friend.
Did you miss me? No pressure whatsoever, just hoping you did, at least a little.
You know it’s a bad habit of mine to be absent for a few days and then come back just to free my thoughts on your blank pages like it’s been years… so yeah, I apologize if I ever make you feel overwhelmed. you know my head is not exactly the easiest place to be and… to be honest, I don’t really know what I’ll do without our weekly little chats.
So, let me just start. You might be wondering of course what’s up with my head today and well… I’ll try to keep it simple but don’t promise much. I’m going back to Hogwarts, again after what seemed to be the largest vacations of my life, not necessarily best, but long enough to make me want to just go back ASAP.
It’s my fourth year and I know that sounds as incredible as it is for me to say it, how the hell did I survive four years inside that castle? Perhaps that’s what we all should be questioning, don’t you think? and besides that, I think is just weird, you know? How much a person can change in such a few years, months or… I mean even a couple of weeks. You might think that I haven’t changed that much since we first met, but… believe me, I have… many, many things have changed about me that at some point I’m scared of it…
You might remember of course, that just a year ago I began dating a girl, my very first girlfriend which by the time seemed odd but nice, because… I always felt like those kind of things would only be for someone like my brother Sirius or even my little sister Luna, but not me. However, there was Savannah Davies, the girl who proved me wrong when her perfect hazel eyes stared right into mine. To freshen up your memory, Savannah was that girl I talked to you about from Miss Trelawney’s class, the one with the butterfly tattoo on her wrist and a smile that could light even the darkest of nights. She was pure and incredibly talented, crazy (in a good way) and most certainly someone anyone would ever fall for; if I had to describe her just using one word, I’d say she was nothing but “authentic”, the most beautiful and authentic person I’d ever get to meet, but… as I later would learn, things in my life can never been too good, never too amazing to be free or stay forever… and by the end of my third year, the Christmas kiss happened and… I realized that I’d never be able to love her the way she deserved to be loved…. that was probably the moment not only I rediscover myself but my whole world shattered. My mind was chaotic, confused and… I just stopped thinking about the world and also myself, I felt lost and most of it… alone.
… and here I am, back to the castle, back to my “friends” and my “old school life”, except that I’m not back the same. I’ve been thinking all break about the stars, I’ve been dreaming of that kiss that we never planned, about his silvered eyes staring at me under the moonlight of Christmas’ Eve, about his pink soft lips and his pale blushed cheeks, about his hands intertwining with mine nervously, in silence as our hearts beat like a hammer against the wall. We’ve barely even spoken, but it’s not like I’ve made it easy for him either. How can I? How could I tell him anything when I wasn’t even sure, what was going on with me?
So… I am here, damaged and weird, talking to you, confessing my deepest secret on your blank pages, because… I don’t feel strong enough yet to say it out loud. Is this how everybody feels when they find out they’re in love with their best friend? Is this how everyone feels after finding out… that… that they’re gay?
I said it. I can’t believe I said it.
But… now that I know it… what do I do? How do I talk to Scorpius about it, without freaking him out?
At this point the only thing I can be absolutely positive about is that he’s somehow already freaked about our kiss, I mean… who wouldn’t? We haven’t written to each other in weeks, we haven’t call either and… I must confess I’m terrified… I’m terrified of losing him forever.
After all and even without realizing of it, Scorpius has been the only person holding my darkness away from me, when it’s been so close that I can feel it pushing through my veins. If he ever got away from me, I know I won’t be able to fight it, I won’t be able to fight against my own darkness because… alone… I’m nothing, I’m nothing than a weak soul and like all the stories we’ve heard since we were kids, loners… never make it through light.
Anyway, I’m sorry… I started sounding depressing as hell and… that’s certainly nothing anyone would like to hear. I’m sorry… and I promise we’ll talk again, hopefully with better news, soon.