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Mayhem vs. The Color Green

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Mayhem sat on the gecko plushie, and then stomped on it, and then threw it out the window. Mayhem couldn’t have ugly green things like that in his luxurious house. In fact Mayhem couldn’t even bare having something so green in his sight. That’s why Mayhem was going to destroy Geico, so Mayhem never had to listen to and see that green, gross and responsible thing again.

“Boss, I have an idea for our next victim,” Mayhem said, smiling widely and tilting his head.

His boss grinned, looking up at him, “You always have the most immature, troublesome, perfect ideas. Who will it be this time?”

“Geico,” Mayhem said, raising one eyebrow.

“Ah, Geico. How have I not thought of such a rich, mature, popular company to ruin before?” His smile quickly faded, “But don’t you think that they might be a bit too scary? With all their money and popularity.”

Mayhem scoffed, “That’s why we have to ruin them.”

****

Mayhem was the reverse camera in a lady’s car. As the lady started to back up, she looked at Mayhem to see if there was anything behind her, but it didn’t turn on. Mayhem grinned as he pretended to be broken, “You are about to back up from your squished parking space, but you can’t because your reversing camera won’t turn on.” The lady looked at Mayhem with annoyance. “But you’re in a hurry so you backup anyway. As you backup your hear some nasal talking behind you. You have a soul so you try to stop the car.” Mayhem grinned. This was his favorite part.

The lady’s eyes widened and she gripped the steering wheel so hard her knuckles turned white, “But when you try to stop the car, you miss, and stomp on the gas. Oops.” Mayhem smiled widely and he perked up a bit. The nasal voice stopped. “You will probably get sued for this. If it wasn’t for that goddamn broken reverse camera, nothing would have happened.” As the lady ran out of the car to see who she hit, Mayhem crawled out of reversing camera and sat down. The camera came back on. The Geico Gecko was splat in the middle of the road. His gross mouth was still open from spitting nonsense and the rest of his green body not moving.

Mayhem smiled.

“If you have cut rate car insurance then you’ll be paying for the medical bills yourself,” he continued. “So get Allstate,” he finished, “to save money and you’ll be better protected from mayhem, like me.”

****

Mayhem was now very rich and happy because Allstate had risen above Geico and their filthy, mature, green ways. But he was not very happy. He was not very happy, which was not acceptable. There was another mature, green loving, gross insurance company that was rising. Mayhem just couldn’t stand seeing more green. Such a slimy color. The only unreasonable, immature, good reason Mayhem could think of to make them stop was to get rid of that green statue behind them in their commercials. Just destroy it.

He pondered how to destroy things as he watched the new Geico commercials with disgust, but some satisfaction. Geico had replaced the gecko with a new, perfect, still gross gecko that was rather fat and looked nothing like the old, slimy, mature gecko before. In fact it wasn’t even green! The orange gecko was currently lying about how Geico was so cool and would fix all of your problems, as the gecko darted around in his speedboat. And that’s when Mayhem randomly remembered his birthday present, a very much not green, shiny, new speedboat. Mayhem suddenly jumped up, an idea popping in head. He smiled widely. This was perfect.

His boss loved his idea, “You know Mayhem, I think you’re underestimated. Your determination to destroy things you don’t like is just so beautiful. Your ideas are beyond perfect.” His boss beamed at him.

****

Mayhem sat in his beautiful speedboat, his hair whipping in the wind as he recklessly drove as fast as he could around Liberty Island. In front of him was a bigger boat, capable of going very fast, but not quite as fast as his boat, but still, very fast. In the driver's seat of that boat was a man. You could tell he was a wealthy man with his racy, posh, pickled-colored boat. This made making this commercial even funnier. Mayhem loved wrecking people's lives, especially if they were rich, and they like the color green. There was just such a satisfaction to destroy the color green, “You’re riding in you shiny new speedboat, that you just love.” Mayhem started the commercial, “The famous Statue of Liberty is in front of you. You just love driving around the Statue of Liberty in your shiny, new, leafy speedboat. In fact you love it so much, that you decide to take a nice selfie of yourself and the Statue of Liberty.” Mayhem grinned, pressing down on the foot pedal, raising the speed little by little. Finally, once he was near the racy, posh, pickled-colored boat, he viciously slammed down on the pedal, and shot like a bullet, straight at the speedboat, hitting it with a satisfying bang. The man in the boat was thrown forward, dropping his new Iphone X into the water and hitting his own pedal with his foot. His boat flew forward, and hit Liberty Island. No, he smashed into Liberty Island with such force it made a huge dent in front of the island.

“When suddenly some jerk decides to ram into your shiny new speedboat, making you hit the pedal and destroy the front of an island,” Mayhem grinned, continuing the commercial as he gritted his teeth at the impact of hitting the boat. “With your cut rate insurance you’re going to be paying for the damage of that famous island, and if you want to keep your new boat shiny, you’re going to be paying for that too. After all the man who just whammed into your boat, disappeared. And that is going to be a lot of of money.” Mayhem jumped off his boat, and swam to the closest ferry. “So get Allstate,“ he sputtered, trying to talk and swim at the same time. He climbed on to the ferry and continued, “to save money and you’ll be better protected from mayhem, like me.”

Mayhem got on the ferry that just happened to be a private ferry. He smirked, as he saw the Liberty Mutual people that were filming. However they stopped filming and were all staring at Liberty Island with wide eyes. The logical, mature, lover of green insurance company won’t be able to release another commercial in front of the rusty Statue of Liberty for awhile. And Mayhem will be able to see a little less green in the world. If only grass could be red, life would be much better..

****

The next day Mayhem woke up and turned on the TV. He snuggled in his red silk sheets and flipped to his favorite news station. He smiled when no Liberty Mutual commercials came on. Then something horrible happened. The news reporter said, “Just in, apparently Liberty Island, was destroyed by a boat-“ Mayhem sat up in horror as the news reporter showed picture of the destroyed island. Ew. No no no no NO. Mayhem picked up the remote to shut off the TV. He couldn’t bare even looking at something that green this early in the morning. But before he shut the TV off, the news reporter said something that made him stop in shock and horror, “Tomorrow, in honor of the Statue of Liberty, everybody will wear green and wear a Statue of Liberty crown. Crowns will be given out at your nearest convenience story.” Mayhem’s jaw hit the floor in shock, and his eyeballs bulged out of their sockets. No, this couldn’t be happening. This- this was horrible. He had to do something about this catastrophe, but what could he possibly do that could get rid of something so big that was already announced? Then, an idea popped in that immature, genius, green hating head of his. Mayhem grinned.