"And you and I will be a tough act to follow,
But I know in time we'll find,
This was no surprise."
-Daughtry; No Surprise.
My bags were packed, flight tickets on my duffel bag. I had the papers signing over my apartment to a couple sitting on my counter top in the kitchen. My flight left at ten – I was getting the fuck out of here.
I hadn't told anyone except for my landlord that I was leaving – but not even he knew where to. I just needed to get out. I was suffocating.
And fuck if I knew how I was going to leave Adam.
But the thing is, whether he intentionally did it or not – he was the reason I needed to get out. I couldn't breathe here anymore. I wasn't where I was supposed to be, I was lost, and he didn't help me find where I was supposed to go. If anything, he made it worse.
I had a plan. It was swirling around in my head for months before I actually decided when I was going to act upon it. I couldn't handle feeling so empty, so alone anymore. But the plan didn't just form in my head overnight. I had had many thoughts lining up in my brain whenever I blinked my eyes.
My first thought was suicide. Quick, easy, story-less suicide. I wouldn't have to worry about facing anyone ever again, they could move on without me. Right? Wrong. On the days I was considering this option, Adam had become more loving than usual. Like he suspected something was up. Damn observant fool.
My mind moved onto other things – such as staying in California, but quitting the band. I knew that that wouldn't be as easy done as it was said.
So I settled for option three. Move to New York, find a job, and leave all of this behind without a second thought. This would be hard, but I believed it would be so worth it.
On my way to Adam's that last day, I realized just how lost I really was in his world. My nerves had gone numb by this point. I just continued to drive, continued to press my foot to the pedals, steer the wheel. By then, it was all I knew how to do.
Before walking up the stairs to his apartment, I took a long look around the lobby. Tomorrow morning, I knew, Adam would race down here in a panic looking for me. I breathed deeply through my nose. I tried to remember the good times – when Adam had chased me around after I stole his phone. When it had rained so hard that we walked in here soaking wet. The corners of my lips twitch upward.
I was going to miss him. I couldn't deny that. Fuck, I had a hard time even remembering who I was before him. Before I was Tommy Joe – that guy who played guitar. To my parents, I was their son who never went to college, who would never make it in the world. And now that I had made it, I still wasn't fucking good enough.
The thought made my throat clog, tears threatening. I drew in a shaky breath, then began walking up the stairs to the third floor. My hand shook as I raised it to knock under the numbers 314.
I heard his faint, "Hang on," then things clustering around before I heard the knob twist and he was standing in front of me.
This will be the last time that happens, I thought. He grinned, tilting his head to the side. "Hi." I squeaked.
"May I help you?" He was happy, upbeat. My heart ached.
"Uh, actually, I wanted to talk." He face faltered slightly. His smile was less charged, his eyes a little loomed over with dread.
"About...us. About what the fuck we're even doing anymore." His smile was fake.
"Tommy...c'mon, don't do this."
I shook my head, tears closer than before. "I can't...I can't just sit and wonder what you're thinking all the time Adam. I can't." My voice broke of on the last word. The sentence hung in the air.
"I knew this would happen." I heard him mutter as he rested his head against the door.
"We can't keep avoiding it, Adam." Even though I'll be gone tomorrow.
"Avoiding what?" He asked quietly. "You're straight," I sighed. "I like you. You like girls. There's nothing to talk about." I rolled my eyes.
"If you really think that's all there is to this then you're a lot dumber than I thought." I said, turning on my heal and heading toward the stairs.
"Wait. Tommy. Just..." I turned. "Come inside." I nodded, following him into his apartment for what would be the last time. "Go in the living room. I'll make you some coffee." I bit my lip, walking into the larger room and sitting down on a black, plush couch.
Thoughts swirled in my head, threatening to take me out if I didn't watch myself. I breathed deeply, waiting for him to return. I knew what I had to say, what I had to do. I couldn't look back now. I made up my mind.
He walked in the room a few minutes later, wiping sweaty palms on his jeans. He sat on the other end of the couch, looking uncomfortable. "So..."
"I love you." Air filled my lungs as the words released pressure.
"No. I love you. I love everything about you. I love the way you laugh at stuff that only ten year old would find funny. The way you let me cuddle with you whenever I want. How you act all rough and tough and sexy onstage, but we all know you're the lamest guy in the world.
"I love how you get really cranky when you don't sleep enough, and how your face looks when your concentrated. I love watching you interact with your little kid fans, and watching you argue with your brother over useless bullshit. I love it when you're trying to sleep, but you let me sit and talk to you anyway.
"I love it when you talk to your friends about old memories. I love your smile, your freckles. I love it when you get embarrassed when people talk about your red hair. I fucking love your red hair. I love it when I get sick, and you take care of me." I finally looked up at him.
His face was shocked. Mouth gaping like a fish, eyes wide and watery. "I...Tommy..."
"And I understand if you don't feel that way about me, Adam." I knew he did. "But you just...you deserved to know. You deserved to know that I love you and that there's absolutely nothing you can do to change that." I stated.
It was silent. So silent. Loud, agitating, frightening, intense silence full of pressure I was soon to crack under. When I realized that this plan I had in my head wasn't going to work, I stood and began to walk toward the door. I heard him stand when I finally got to the door, then fast footsteps before a hand reached out and grabbed my arm.
"Don't...don't go." Those words. Fuck.
"Why? What use could I possibly be to you, Adam?"
"You're straight, Tommy."
"You keep telling yourself that." I snapped.
"You are, Tommy."
"I love you."
"But are you attracted to me?" During this conversation, I had been placed against the door, cheek against the wood.
"What if I asked you to sleep with me? Right now, no warning, no taking time to be sure you're ready for this. Just me, you, and my bedroom." His breath was hot against my neck, making me sweat and my dick twitch behind my zipper.
"I'd ask you why we're still standing here running circles around each other when we could have been fucking since June."
That was all it took. He spun me around, smashing his body to mine and claiming my lips with his. I needed this before I left.
I was going to hurt him and I was going to hurt me. I was leaving behind all of these people, these memories. I was going to miss them. Miss talking, miss texting, miss tweeting. I had already deactivated my Twitter, as well as changed my number. I was working with borrowed time being with Adam right now.
As I was gently laid down on black silk sheets, though, whether or not they knew what I was doing slid from my mind. Whether or not I knew what I was doing, however, was front and center. "Relax." Adam told me as he kissed my forehead before removing my shirt.
He kissed a trail from the hallow behind my ear to my shoulder. My breathing was starting to become ragged, and when he began sucking a mark into my skin, I groaned. He smiled against my flesh, then pulled his mouth off. Kissing my lips again, I gripped his hair, keeping him there.
After a few long moments, he began shaking his head and I let him go. "I've got things to show you, Glitterbaby." My lips twitched upward. "Promise me you'll tell me if I need to stop?"
I knew that would never happen. No matter what amount of pain I was put through, I would only deserve worse for what I had planned. Adam kissed down my torso, biting at the button and zipper of my jeans teasingly before crawling back up my body.
When I whimpered, he smirked. "Problem?"
"Do something." I whined. I had never been bottom before. Ever. Always with whiny, easy girls. This was so much different. So much more than what I had ever thought I could get.
"About?" He asked. I made a gurgled, frustrated sound in response. "Use your words." He was getting cocky.
"Adam." He just looked down at me, thighs touching my groin lightly. "Fuck. I hate you. Just please. Do something. Please."
"I dunno." I turned my head to the side, clamping down on his freckled arm with my teeth. "Ow. Little fucker."
He gripped the top of my jeans, yanking them down forcefully. I bit my lip as he dragged himself down my body slowly. I grunted, thrusting my hips upward. "Silly straight boys." He smirked against my thigh when he said this.
"Fuck. You bended that straight a long ass time ago, Babyboy." I breathed, gasping slightly when he began sucking on the skin of my thigh. A low gurgling noise broke its way through in the back of my throat, echoing through the room.
His fingers looped around the waist band of my underwear, pulling them down. I couldn't look down at him, so my eyes trained on the ceiling above. "Tommy, look at me."
"Tommy. Look at me." I shook my head. "If you don't look at me, I'll call you a cab and send you home." I took a deep breath, then looked down at him. He'd rested his chin on a spot near my bellybutton, looking up at me. "Calm down."
"No, you haven't been calm since I met you." I rolled my eyes. "Why are you afraid? I'm just me. Just Adam. Same guy who I've always been." I clamped my eyes shut as my reality rushed at me, punching me in the gut.
I would never hear this voice again. I would never feel these hands again. Never walk next to him, never be able to call him my friend. He'd move on – find some guy who wasn't fucking crazy like me. He'd find better lays, and I'd see him in a magazine someday announcing some sort of heartbreaking news.
These eyes would never look at me one-on-one ever again. I lifted my hands, feeling out the outlines of his face. "Adam," I breathed when he caught my hand. "I love you. Don't forget that, okay? Ever. Promise me."
"Promise me that you'll always remember how much I love you. Because I always will – no matter what happens from now to the future. Promise me you'll think of me when you meet someone better." The words were pouring out now. I couldn't open my eyes. "Promise me you'll always remember Amsterdam and Paris and how much fun we had those nights."
"Tommy, I promise."
I opened my eyes, looking into his confused – yet sincere – blue ones. "Promise me you won't forget about me." He leaned up to my face, cradling it.
"Tommy, it is impossible to forget about someone like you. You're the kinda guy who leaves footprints wherever you go. You leave marks in my heart, memories in my mind. I love you. And you're perfect. And I will never, ever forget about you." I nodded.
He leaned down, pecking my lips. "Adam?" He stared at my face. "If...if anything ever happens between us, I want you to know that I'll always love you. That no matter what, I'll still need you." He stared at me skeptically, then nodded.
Minutes later, two of his lube-slicked fingers were knuckle-deep inside me. "So good, so beautiful." He murmured, watching his fingers thrust into me, then back out. My heart was hammering in my chest, my cock twitching with this brand new feeling. "You're so perfect like this. Spread out all for me." I moaned as he added a third finger.
Five minutes later, I was trying my hardest not to stress about my busy schedule tomorrow. These were my last moments with Adam. I took a deep breath, quiet, and let it back out. He pulled his fingers out of me and I whimpered, looking pathetically up at him.
"Relax, baby." He whispered into my ear, rummaging through his nightstand. I bit my lip, closing my eyes as he shifted my legs up further. "Deep breaths." He instructed. I heard the tear of a condom, making my heart come to a halt. "You aren't listening to me. Listen to me."
"Shh. Baby, breathe." I swallowed air. I watched his hand lube his dick, making mine twitch in response. He couldn't help but smirk down at me. He grabbed my hips, and I soon felt the blunt head of his dick at my hole. "You ready?" I closed my eyes and nodded. "Eyes open. Now." I shook my head. "Tommy, now."
"I'm not moving until you open them." I felt my eyes grow wet, swimming with tears. But I opened them, nonetheless. As soon as I did, he pushed in. I groaned, biting on my lower lip and wanting to scream. "Relax. When you relax, it will feel so great, Tommy." He moved, hitting something inside that sent shock waves to my toes.
"Fuck. Again." And he complied, ramming into it harder. "Fuck!" I made a sound of incoherency, hand gripping his freckled shoulders. His strong hands slid from my waist to my thighs, spreading them more. He continued to push in, sliding out.
The moistened sounds our connection made was enough to mortify us both, but I was too far gone to care. "Tommy. Fuck, so tight, so good." I moaned, then he slowed. "Can we do something?" I nodded, needing whatever he was willing to give.
He rolled us over, sitting my on top of his cock. I sputtered curses, hands pushing harder into his shoulders. "Can I move?" I panted. He encouraged this frantically as I lifted up, grinding back down. He licked his lower lip, staring up at me.
"So fucking incredible." He gurgled, then panted. My leaking cock ran against my stomach, leaving a streak of cum across my skin.
"Fuck, Adam. I can't..."
Sounds choked off by moans, head thrown back against his white pillows, limbs strung tight, I watched Adam cum. Because of me. Because of me riding him. This thought made me moan – loud and whiny.
Waiting for him to come down from his high was like waiting for an apocalypse. Knowing something big was going to happen. Knowing it was going to happen soon. But not knowing when exactly that life-changing whirlwind was going to appear.
Suddenly, his hands gripped at my skin, tossing me onto my back. My swollen dick bounced against my skin as I whined louder, pulling his hair. "Aren't we impatient today." He commented.
"Put my dick in your mouth or I'll fucking kill you." He smiled, then kissed me.
"I'll get to it shortly."
"Adam!" He ignored me, slowly sucking, biting, licking, and kissing my neck. "Please."
"Beg for me."
"Adam I just-"
"Please. Please, I need it. I need."
"Adam, please!" I was on the verge of tears as he hovered over me, air from his mouth feeling hot and damp on my flesh. "Please. Suck me off. Please." He stared at me, running his hands up and down my desperate face. "I need your lips around my cock. Need you."
He kissed down my torso, then reached my aching dick. He took it all in his mouth at once, swirling his tongue around the base once it was deep inside. My back arched, my brow full of sweat. I yanked his hair as he began sucking. Then he moaned, the vibrations sending tingles down my back.
Hot pits of fire burned low in my stomach, coiling about my spine. "Fuck." Hands and limbs locking tighter where they were, I screamed Adam's name. He milked me dry, them let go with a loud popping noise.
It was over.
This was all I had now.
All my future held was leaving.
"And how was that for your first time?" He mumbled into my ear after he made his way back up his bed. I just grunted in pleasure for a response. He smiled against my hair.
I waited. I watched the clock. I waited until I knew he was asleep. Heard those light snores, body heavy with exhaustion. Then I stood slowly, being sure not to move him. I dressed quickly, not caring about appearances, but about time.
This was it. I was gone. I stepped out of his room, raced through the living room, and made it to the door in the kitchen. I saw a notepad on the counter, a purple marker near the fridge. I grabbed both.
I'm sorry. That was all that needed to be said.
And with that, I exited the apartment, entered my car, and ran away from the life I had always dreamed of.