Chapter 1: Sento
Sento was running, terrified for his life. He was a Kamen Rider, and he’d fought against one of the worst threats any of them had faced. But here he was, scared shitless, trying to outrun his enemies.
Fangirls are the absolute worst .
Sento had no idea why he was so popular with young women. Wasn’t his show meant for kids?
He slumped on the park bench, catching his breath. He managed to shake them off after the Time Jacker started attacking the crowd, but he knew they’d try finding him again. He’d love having such persistent fans, if they weren’t demanding strange things like taking off his shirt (or to “just take it all off” as one girl said, to roaring approval).
Sento looked up to see Banjou, of all people, looking surprised to see him and a bit distressed. His T-shirt was missing for some reason, but he still had his flannel shirt that he was hastily putting on and buttoning up. “Banjou? What happened to you?”
“I got mobbed by a bunch of girls!” He yelped. “They ripped my shirt right off! And they almost got my pants too!”
“You got attacked too?” Sento gaped. “So was I!”
“What the hell’s going on here?” Banjou questioned. “What the hell is with this world?!”
Sento was about to tell him about this world being an alternate reality where they were fictional characters in a children’s television show when they heard a high-pitched squeal. They turned in the direction of it and found about a hundred girls staring at them with wide eyes and open mouths.
The group collectively yelled, “KYAA!!!” Then erupted into cheering, more squealing and... wolf-whistling? One voice boomed above the others’, shouting, “JUST FUCK ALREADY!” while another told them to “GIVE US A NICE LONG KISS!” There was a little group chanting “O-T-P! O-T-P! O-T-P!” while doing a little dance.
It was a minute before Sento realized that the fangirls were saying these things in relation to himself and Banjou .
“Wait, what?! No, why would I- no, wait, what?!” His mind was officially blown to pieces. The fangirls want him and Banjou to be a couple ?! Boyfriends ?!
“Are you all insane?!” Banjou demanded. “Why would you ask us to do that?!”
It was a bad move. Sento knew that. Banjou knew that. The fangirls all gave them a knowing look, their eyes flashing. But it was too late.
The fangirls parted to let one of their own pass. She was a tiny girl, nearly a head shorter than both him and Banjou. However, it was the look in her dark eyes that terrified him: she was going give them a piece of her mind, and she wasn’t afraid to do so.
“Oh, you wanna know why we’re asking?” She smirked. “I’ll tell you why.”
Sento and Banjou screamed.
Chapter 2: Emu
Genius Gamer M meets his match... in fanfiction?! Will he survive this with no continues, or get a game over?
Meanwhile, the Doctor Riders and Parad were sitting at a café, slumped over the table to hide their faces as Poppy and Nico laughed their hearts out over a cup of coffee.
“I can’t believe they really thought Taiga would be that pervy! He’s such a total prude!” Nico giggled as the aforementioned doctor snorted. Her tablet was opened to a website called ‘Archive of Our Own’, where a made-up series of stories about Taiga being a promiscuous man was posted for public consumption.
(Needless to say, it was precious gold for Nico who immediately downloaded the series’ PDF files.)
Poppy giggled at Nico’s story, while the man himself grunted, his ears red in embarrassment.
“I can’t believe Emu has so many partners though!” Poppy exclaimed. “Look, he’s paired with me, with Hiiro, with Kiriya, and Parado… though I guess that happens when you’re the main character…”
“Poppyyyy,” Emu whined, his blushing face peeking out of his arms. “Can we please stop talking about this?”
“No way, this is too good,” Nico snorted, an evil smile on her face.
“Why did I have to be the main character?” Emu asked.
“I died,” Kiriya said, the same time Taiga snorted, Parado frowned and Hiiro muttered, “No thank you.”
“Besides,” Emu continued, “Why them? Hiiro? He’s a total jerk,” (Hiiro conceded the point), “Kiriya is way older,” (“Not that much!” the coroner protested) “And Parado is my Bugster! That will be too narcissistic! (“Kinda true,” Parado admitted.)
“And me?” Poppy crossed her arms, giving Emu a dangerous look. “Why can’t I be paired with you?”
Emu flailed. He looked to the other Doctor Riders and his Bugster for help. They all pointedly looked away.
“I guess you’re okay,” Emu shrugged finally. Poppy brightened and kissed his cheek, making the doctor gamer blush.
“Well people seem to like you better than them in any case,” Nico replied, tapping on her screen. “Wow, you really get around, Emu…” Nico teased.
“Speaking of, Emu, did you know your actor was in this series about a bunch of pretty boys trying to win over as many girls as possible?” Poppy grinned. “Aw, he’s such a little heartthrob! Iijima is such a cutie!”
“Wow, he really does look like Emu!” Nico agreed. “He looks a bit better with the perm though…”
“But look at some of these other guys.” Poppy added. “Oh my gosh, they’re all so handsome. And way manlier than Emu...”
“Stupid alternate universe where I’m a fictional character…” Emu let loose a long whine. “This is gonna be a long day…”
Self referential humor + shameless plug for Prince of Legend
Chapter 3: Takeru
Poor Makoto and Alain XD
And Takeru is not as innocent as everyone assumes.
Takeru sighed. He’d been in a bad mood since he ran into those websites basically calling him trash, because of his season being quite bad. Shrugging off him dying more times than he can remember.
Which was why he was really confused by the sight of a flustered Makoto and Alain running up to him, utterly aghast. “What’s wrong you guys?” he asked.
“Takeru,” Alain began, “What is with this world’s people? Why are they insisting I must copulate with Makoto?”
“C-copulate?” Takeru stammered. “With Makoto-nii-chan? What?”
“Alain!” Makoto protested. “Takeru’s too young to know what that means!”
Takeru, of course, actually knew what that meant. He was twenty-one , for god’s sake. He even got himself a girlfriend before Makoto did. But he was confused as to why people would want Makoto and Alain to do it. They were both straight as far as he knew. And wasn’t Alain dating Kanon ? “How did you even know this?” Takeru asked, out of morbid curiosity.
“Kanon sent me this,” Alain said, then showed his newly-bought fancy smartphone to Takeru.
“Alain, no!” Makoto protested too late.
Takeru blushed. Alain had his messaging app open, showing a chat with Kanon. His childhood friend had sent the prince a painstakingly detailed drawing of her boyfriend and her brother in… an explicit position. It was followed by teasing messages from Kanon, ‘You’re not cheating on me with nii-chan are you??’ ‘Because these girls think you should XD’ and a screenshot of approving comments from anonymous, but clearly female, fans. The fact that Kanon was the one who sent it to Alain told him that she was taking it in stride.
“Huh,” Takeru found himself saying, disconcertingly calm despite his urge to laugh. “That’s… something.”
Makoto frowned at him. “That’s all you have to say?”
Takeru shrugged. “What am I supposed to do, Makoto-nii-chan? It’s not like I can scare these guys into stopping,” he pointed out. “We’re not even real for these guys. When we go back to our world they’ll just go right back to doing stuff like that.”
“True,” Alain admitted.
“Also, how innocent do you think I am? I have a girlfriend, you know.”
Makoto frowned. It was then Takeru realized he screwed up. “Yeah, your girlfriend who happens to be my other sister,” he growled. “What are you and Chloe exactly doing when you’re on your dates?”
Takeru gulped. “I… Chloe will kill me if I tell you,” he said nervously.
“Takeru, if you don’t tell me right now, I will kill you.” A vein pulsed in Makoto’s temple. Alain backed away slowly, not wishing to get involved.
“TAKERU!!!” Makoto screamed in anger. Takeru squeaked and ran for his life. (He didn’t want to die again , thank you very much!)
Overprotective Makoto-nii-chan is the best nii-chan.
Chapter 4: Shinnosuke
Remember that time Ryoma Takeuchi was voted as having the ideal male body in a poll?
Shinnosuke finds out about that.
Remember the time Gou made a dream where he and Chase were doing lovey-dovey stuff and called him kawaii in an audio drama?
Gou finds out he’s the bi icon we all deserve.
Shinnosuke blinked, trying to understand what he was seeing.
Gou was on the floor, laughing his ass off. (Thanks for being such a good brother-in-law, Shinnosuke thought sarcastically.) Chase was stoic as always, though he could see the amused gleam in the other Rider’s eyes. And Kiriko… was poorly trying not to laugh at his plight. (Wow, betrayed by his own wife, Shinnosuke sighed inwardly.)
On his phone was a web article posted recently. ‘Ryoma Takeuchi Ranks 1st Place for Ideal Man’s Physique’. Normally these kinds of articles wouldn’t even interest him, but:
1- Ryoma Takeuchi was the actor who is known for portraying him and happened to look exactly like him, and
2- The poll was answered by men, ergo
3- Men thought that he, by extension, had the ideal male physique
Shinnosuke would have had his ego stoked if he found this on his own. But no, Gou was the one who found it, and promptly made fun of the point that it was men who had voted for him, and rather crudely joked about Ryoma (and thus Shinnosuke himself) being used as… inspiration , to put it mildly.
Shinnosuke frowned at them all then clicked the back button on his browser so he wouldn’t have to stare at the stupid article again. “Stop laughing Gou,” he reprimanded his brother-in-law.
“Okay, okay,” Gou fought off the last of his giggles and wiped mirthful tears from his eyes. “I’m sorry, Shin-nii-san. It’s just so ridiculous, I couldn’t resist.”
“Well, I’m glad he seems to be doing well for himself,” Shinnosuke remarked of his doppelganger. It was weird to think that he launched someone’s acting career. It was even weirder to see that person gain enough success to be recognized in such a way.
“I think it’s funny,” Kiriko giggled, though her eyes told him something else entirely. Shinnosuke grinned back at her, warmth igniting in his heart. God he loved her.
“I too found something amusing,” Chase suddenly announced, in his usual emotionless baritone.
“What is it, Chase?” asked Gou.
“It seems that people are writing stories of us having a romantic relationship, Gou,” he replied blandly. “Our ‘ship’ has more works than any other for our ‘season’. Some are quite explicit.”
“They’re calling Gou the ‘bi-icon of the Kamen Riders’,” Chase added blankly, “Because he’s the ‘only confirmed’ bisexual in the entire series.”
And of course, it so happened that Shinnosuke, Gou and Kiriko had taken a sip of their drinks. They promptly had a triple spittake.
“What?!” Even Krim, who’d been silent the whole time, yelled out.
Gou yelped, orange juice dripping down his chin onto his white hoodie. “Y-You and me? A couple ?!” He stammered. “But you- I…” He was turning bright red, like the Tridoron. “Oh God, don’t tell me everyone knows about the Hypnos thing?!”
Shinnosuke thumped Kiriko’s back as she coughed and sputtered. “I didn’t need to know that!” she cried.
“A lot of what we saw today constitutes as that,” Shinnosuke muttered, and suddenly even Gou agreed with that.
Oh, the article’s real, by the way! http://daisukitoku.com/2018/07/30/ryoma-takeuchi-ranks-1st-place-ideal-mans-body/
Chapter 5: Kouta
Being a space god has its pros. It also has its cons.
This is one of those cons.
Sometimes, Kouta hated being the Man of Beginning.
He remembered meeting his (older) successor, Shinnosuke, and introducing himself as ‘some kind of space god’. He wasn’t really that far off the mark, as far as powers went. Eating the Golden Fruit had given him powers beyond imagination, so that the only really accurate way to describe himself was just that.
One of those powers happened to be mind reading.
And holy Helheim these people had dirty minds.
Thing is, he didn’t really mind being shipped with other people aside from Mai. He didn’t mind being shipped with men, either. Since he could read the shipper’s mind, he could see why they shipped him with Kaito or Micchy for example.
He didn’t mind the porn either, even though the more racy scenarios made him squirm. He didn’t have anything against people having sex, or writing about him having it. He didn’t have a problem if people got off on it either.
What he minded was that he had the ability to see how people imagined these scenarios. And… they were pretty vivid. And raunchy.
It was one thing to know people were writing porn about you, or to see the porn they wrote about you. But it was quite another to see the porn as it unfolds in the person’s imagination.
Or to see porn that wasn’t about you.
Because of course, he wasn’t the only Kamen Rider who had porn.
He had no idea how to face anyone else after what he’s seen. There was just no way he can look them in the eye again. Not even with the helmets blocking most if not all of their faces. He might as well go back to Helheim and never come to Earth again.
Which he can’t do right now as he is surrounded by the rest of the Armored Riders on all sides.
“Kouta-san, is something wrong?” Sweet Micchy, who for some reason is shipped with his own brother , asked him gently.
“Nope!” Kouta replied too quickly. “Everything’s fine!”
“You sure?” Said brother himself questioned, looking worried. “You seem a bit jumpy. Do I need to have one of the Doctor Riders check you over?”
Oh god, no. He didn’t think he’ll be able to handle a checkup from one of them without fainting. “No, I’m fine, thanks. Just… still wired from the fight I guess.”
“Oi, if you’re hiding something from us you better spit it out now,” Kaito growled in his direction. (Kouta wondered why this guy was played by a pastry chef of all people. Seriously, what the hell casting agency?)
Kouta shakily grinned at him. “Just some Man of Beginning stuff,” he replied.
Sometimes, Kouta hated being the Man of Beginning.
Poor Kami-sama XD
Chapter 6: Haruto
Haruto’s happy lots of people ship him with Koyomi.
Haruto’s not happy about the porn.
He’s just confused about everything else.
(And Kousuke gets some mayo)
Haruto loved Koyomi. He knew that.
He didn’t know that hundreds of other people knew too. And approved.
It made him feel… lighter, he supposed. He somehow proved himself worthy of her to hundreds of people, and they supported his love for her, and felt for him when he lost her. They had felt his grief so keenly that they felt compelled to “fix” it themselves.
Haruto’s plain sugar doughnut fell to the ground as he took in the words Kousuke had shown him.
“What. The. Actual. Hell?”
His fellow Rider shrugged at him. “You know as much as I do,” he said, as a random fan came up and gave him yet another giant bottle of mayonnaise. Haruto was sure even Kousuke wouldn’t be able to finish it all.
“This is… This… I…” Haruto sputtered.
Kousuke smirked as he picked up the half-empty bottle of mayo and doused his teriyaki chicken in it. “C’mon Haruto, use your words,” Kousuke teased.
“Kousuke, you know I would never do… whatever these people think I should do!” Haruto exclaimed.
“Not even if Koyomi lived and got together with you?” He snorted. “Give me a break, man. In that case you’d think about it, even just a bit.”
Point. Haruto could give him that. “Still, why would people write these things and put it out for the world to see?!” He fumed.
Kousuke shrugged. “Lots of reasons. Entirely their own. Not the point, man.” He started digging into his disgusting meal. “I didn’t know you were such a wuss about these kinds of things, geez.”
Haruto stammered. “I just- They shouldn’t be thinking about her like that!”
Kousuke raised a brow. “Her actress in this world was an idol, dude. Sexist as it is, the whole point of an idol is to be thought that way!”
“Okay, okay, I got your point.” Haruto sighed. He gave the other a sharp look. “And I’m not a wuss about these things!”
“I know man, I was just teasing,” Kousuke appeased. “Anyway, did you know about the side novel where you got together with Rinko?”
He did. “It’s… something.” Haruto admitted he never thought of Rinko that way before reading the novel. Much less think she felt anything like that for him. “It was a surprise, honestly.”
“Nah man. You’re just dense.” Kousuke stated. “You probably have no idea people ship you with Shunpei too, do you? Or me, for that matter?”
From the look on Kousuke’s face when he shook his head, Haruto supposed it was obvious after all.
Chapter 7: Gentaro
Gentaro is his usual friendship monster self. Meanwhile the KRC suffers from mental trauma.
The Kamen Rider Club stared up at a stage set up in front of a large park. They were sitting underneath the shade of a tree, shaking their heads in amusement at the large crowd that formed in front of the stage.
A very, very large crowd. Of adoring fans of one Kisaragi Gentaro.
The man himself was soaking up the attention, comfortable being fawned over by young women (and men) and being cheered on by little kids holding up action figures of him. He was yelling something to the crowd, which responded with an incomprehensible rumble of yelling, swearing and cheers.
“He’s taking this in stride,” commented Miu, leaning against Shun as she giggled at their friend’s antics.
“Or it just hasn’t sunk in that he’s a fictional character in this world,” Kengo said, shaking his head in fond exasperation.
“Idiot.” Tomoko smiled despite the insult she muttered, holding Ryusei’s hand.
“Sounds like our Gentaro,” JK laughed even as he snapped photos of Gentaro shaking hands with various members of the audience who were brave enough to introduce themselves with- what else but the KRC’s secret handshake (which wasn’t so secret after all).
“Well, he hasn’t seen the porn after all,” Ryusei mused, “Or the fanart. Or the porny fanart.”
They all shuddered. When they’d gotten there to back Gentaro up, they’d been mobbed by fans of their show. Ryusei had a meltdown when a few fangirls threw themselves at him (his actor became very famous after the show ended) while Yuki, meanwhile, had run off to give her actress ‘a piece of her mind and probably a Hayabusa-kun plushie to remind her when they’re gone’. (None of them liked what they heard about her.)
And they’d had fanart shoved into their hands for them to sign. Not all of them innocent.
But Gentaro seemed to have been spared all of this, or he didn’t quite understand what was happening. They gathered it was the last one.
Suddenly, they heard the distinct sound of Switches being activated. Kengo stood up as he cried out, “What is that idiot doing?!”
Too late, Gentaro had his Driver on and had flipped the last Switch to activate it. “THREE!” The crowd counted down with the Driver. “TWO! ONE!”
“Henshin!” Gentaro pulled the Driver, and his transformation tune started up as his body was covered in armor. When his transformation into Fourze was completed, the crowd cheered.
“Uchuu…” Gentaro started, the audience copying him. “KITAAAAAA!!!” Their cry could probably be heard in a few thousand galaxies from how loud it was.
They all sighed. Leave it to Gentaro to transform just to impress his new ‘buddies’.
Ryusei and Shun were restraining Kengo, who looked ready to murder Gentaro. “Kisaragi…!” he growled.
Chapter 8: Eiji
In which Eiji finds himself shipping his own actor with Ankh’s, while simultanously being icked by their own ship.
“This is your fault, you know.”
The other whirled around and glared. “Excuse me? This is my fault?”
“If you hadn’t given me the Driver and made me OOO you wouldn’t be in this mess,” Eiji replied, rolling his eyes at his Greeed companion.
“Tch,” Ankh scoffed, not wanting to admit he’d been outmaneuvered and went back to scrolling on his iPhone, viciously flagging every post he saw that even suggested the idea of them as a couple.
Seriously, him and Ankh? As lovers ? As boyfriends ? It was ridiculous.
(Did Ankh even know what love was?)
It got worst when they saw the fanfic and fanart. It was undeniably good, had it not been for the fact some ( a lot ) of it was of them… being intimate. Having sex. Fucking. Whatever.
He wanted to go to wherever this ‘Tumblr’ and ‘AO3’ kept their servers and Rider Kick them all to hell. Though he’d probably be murdered for it, at least he’ll become a saint among the Riders. He knew Shoutaro would probably appreciate it. Maybe Ryuuga and Sento.
He had no idea why people would ship him and Ankh though. He’d assume that people thought he and Hina were going to end up together as the main male and female protagonists, but people rarely ship them together. Or so the Internet said.
(In fact, the Internet seems to assume that everyone is gay. Which, okay, is fine by him, but still.)
But the very worst part was, really, whenever they ran across a post of their actors together. Shu Watanabe and Ryosuke Miura didn’t have any of the vitriol that he and Ankh had, and they seemed to be good friends years after they stopped working together. They were also strangely affectionate with each other, which didn’t really help matters.
Like… Ryosuke calling Shu his hero? Then Shu showing off by lifting him bridal style? Posting videos and photos of them grabbing dinner and drinks on Instagram? Shu telling people Ryosuke was the kind of person he’d want to come home to?! He’d be surprised if people didn’t want them to get together!
Hell, even he kinda thought they’d be good together! Which was a weird thing to say about someone who looked just like him!
Well, at least they weren’t as bad as Date and Gotou’s actors. He could give Shu and Ryosuke that much. What the hell was with those kisses, anyway? The fans always had a collective meltdown when they did that…
(It was kinda cute though.)
Chapter 9: Shoutaro
Half of Double meets one of his adoring fans.
It goes south pretty fast.
Shoutaro was having the weirdest day of his life.
In front of him was a young girl, maybe a whole decade younger than him, blushing and holding out a little baggie of sweets for him. Behind her, her friends were holding their breath in anticipation.
“You’re my favorite Rider… I think you’re very smart, kind, handsome and… er, sexy,” The girl confessed, as her friends started squealing. “I know you’re not going to be interested in me, but please accept my feelings!” she offered the sweets with a bow.
“Ah, well…” The detective felt himself blush, too. He was unused to having attention directed to him, much less from someone so much younger than him. He smiled politely, taking the sweets with a grateful bow. “Thank you. It means so much for me to hear that,” he replied, making his gratitude and disinterest clear.
The girl smiled. “No problem. Please, feel free to share it with your boyfriend,” she said cheerfully.
“M-My boyfriend?” Shoutaro questioned. “I’m not dating anyone at the moment.” He hadn’t been in a relationship since breaking things off with Tokime (who he stayed amicable with), much less with a man. “I’m sorry, but what do you mean by that?”
The girl blinked, confused. “Philip?” she clarified.
Shoutaro blinked back. “Philip?” he repeated. The gears in his head turned until he realized what the girl meant. “Wait, Philip , my boyfriend ?!” He took a step back in panic. “No, no, no, fucking hell no!” he exclaimed the last bit with an increasing pitch. “He’s my partner ! I would never-”
“Oh,” the girl replied. “I honestly thought you two were together. You were always so close.” She laughed awkwardly. “I guess the Phidari shippers are gonna be upset, hehe…”
“Phidari? Shippers?” Shoutaro yelled. “What does that mean?”
One of the girl’s companions- a young man this time- came forward with a grin. “Shippers are supporters of a romantic relationship between two people. Phidari is the portmanteau people came up with for you and Philip, so Phidari shippers are supporters of you and Philip being in a relationship.”
“People want me and Philip to what?!” Shoutaro screamed. “Wait a minute, I thought my show was for kids! Why are people-”
“Please,” the boy rolled his eyes. “As if that would stop people from watching the show. Or shipping you two despite you only showing interest in women.”
Point. He had to give it to the kid. Yet Shoutaro found himself falling to the ground, trying to comprehend the information he just received. He opened his mouth to say something, and only a strangled squawk escaped his mouth.
“Uh, Shin-kun, I think you broke him,” the girl said worriedly.
Shin looked equally horrified. “Julie, oh my god, I broke Kamen Rider Double…”
The last thing Shoutaro heard was Julie screaming as he fell face first into the asphalt.
Yup. Shou passed out. Poor guy.
Chapter 10: Philip
Aka poor Shoutaro, part 2
About an hour later, Shoutaro came to, only to find his partner staring down at him worriedly. “Philip. How…?”
“Those kids found your phone and called me,” the boy explained. “They were pretty worried. Luckily you didn’t break your nose; you hit the ground pretty hard.”
“Oh,” Shoutaro replied. He wondered if they had told Philip why he had passed out. “Did they say why…?”
“Yes,” Philip replied, looking back at his tablet. “I looked it up for myself and I must say it was… provocative,” he admitted.
“Oh?” Shoutaro asked, sitting up. Now that the initial panic had passed, he was actually curious about this. “What did you find?”
“Well, I found out why people would think we were in a relationship,” he said carefully. “I’ll admit I didn’t think the way we act could be construed that way, but the way they put it…” He reeled off. “They seem to think us referring to each other as ‘partner’ means more.”
“That’s… kind of ridiculous, isn’t it?” Shoutaro asked. “Assuming that?”
“Not for these people,” Philip shrugged noncommittally. “In any case, it’s quite amazing what these people can dream up.”
Shoutaro raised a brow. “Don’t tell me you’ve gone looking for their stuff?” When Philip looked away and didn’t reply, Shoutaro felt his face drain of color. “Oh my god, you did, didn’t you?! What are you looking at right now?!”
Philip sighed and handed his tablet over to Shoutaro. Shoutaro frowned as he read the passage:
Philip allowed himself to be dragged in for a kiss. Shoutaro tugged on the ribbon, and Philip felt the rest of it unravel, falling in a heap on their laps. Shoutaro broke off as he chucked it off into a corner and Philip shifted so he was facing his boyfriend. Then they resumed their kiss in earnest, their hands roaming everywhere.
Philip’s mind went blank as Shoutaro lead him to euphoria, working moans and screams out of him expertly. Who knew someone so half-boiled could be such a fantastic lover?
Shoutaro screeched and dropped the tablet. “Philip, what the hell?! That was porn! Of us !” He cried, all the heat rushing back to his cheeks.
Philip looked confused. “But it wasn’t even that explicit…”
“It could be more explicit?!” Shoutaro yelled. “Wait, how would you know that?! How much porn of us have you read?!”
Philip smiled wickedly, dragging his finger down Shoutaro’s throat in a facsimile of seduction. “Would you like to know?”
With bonus sneak peek of a special for Hidari Shoutaro’s Home for Technically Non-Existent People coming out soon!
Chapter 11: Tsukasa
Or: why everyone hates Decade
Tsukasa could barely resist laughing when he caught sight of everyone looking worse for wear. “What the fuck happened to you guys?” he howled through his chortles.
“Fangirls,” pronounced Build, “are the absolute worst , and I say that as someone who fought a black hole-creating omnicidal alien.”
“Ah, so you’ve encountered the fans?” Tsukasa asked. “I should’ve warned you, they can be quite persistent.”
“Wait.” The young doctor Ex-Aid frowned at him. “Are you saying you knew about this?!”
“Of course I did.” Tsukasa shrugged. “I’ve been here before. Travelling through universes is my shtick… wait, what are you guys looking at me like that for?”
Tsukasa backed slowly as everyone glared at him. “You mean to say,” Ghost began, “while we were all having existential crises, you just stood by and laughed at us?”
“That while our memories were being rewritten, you knew what was causing it and didn’t do shit?” Drive growled.
“G-Guys?” Tsukasa choked. He really said too much this time didn’t he?
“Tsukasa,” Gaim said, his sword raised. Oranges have never been more threatening. “I suggest you start running.”
“Because,” Wizard whispered dangerously, “we’re going to kill you.” Haruto’s hand lit on fire.
Tsukasa yelped as a fireball came dangerously close to his ear, and he did as Fruit Jesus suggested: he turned tail and ran. A stampede of Riders came after him, swords and blasters raised with a war cry of “DAMN YOU DECADE!!!”
Meanwhile Fourze, OOO, and the two halves of Double just shook their heads at the sight. “Tsukasa never learns, does he?” Gentaro sighed.
“Nope.” Eiji scratched his head in confusion. “You know, if we sicced Natsumi-san on him we’d probably save a lot more time.”
Shoutaro’s eyes gleamed dangerously. “And miss all the fun? No way!”
Philip laughed. “He probably doesn’t even regret it, the bastard.”
Tsukasa, despite fear for his life, had to agree.
Tsukasa you effing moron.
SIX DAYS LEFT TILL HEISEI GENERATIONS FOREVER COMES OUT!! The angst! The pain! The nostalgia! The badassery!
(toei pls stop torturing everyone after this k?)
Chapter 12: Sougo
The baby Rider has his first gay panic... over Gaku Oshida?!
Sougo was questioning his sexuality... and his sanity.
He’d been staring non-stop at a photo of three shirtless men for close to five minutes now. He normally wouldn’t be bothered by this, hell he wouldn’t even have blinked.
But. These men. They were undeniably hot. Really hot. It wasn’t helping that they were in a strangely erotic position. Or that one looked horrifically familiar to Sougo.
“Am I gay?” he wondered out loud as turned to Tsukuyomi, who’d gone quite red at the sight. “Tsukuyomi, am I gay for Geiz’s actor?”
Tsukuyomi failed to answer other than a strangled growl.
Geiz was sitting a bit aways from them, leaning against his arm with a bright blush on his face. “Please stop,” he begged, looking determinedly away from the image of his own face (and shirtless chest). He was so embarrassed to have the Demon King and his childhood friend drooling over him- sort of, which was just as bad.
“Fuck me, he’s so hot,” Sougo whined. “What do I do? I’ve never been gay before!” Sougo was genuinely panicked. “Oh my god, am I gay for Geiz, too?! Oh my god, we live together, this is going to be so awkward...”
The poor boy wrung himself with worry, messing his hair up. “Fuck. Double fuck, triple fuck! WHY, GAKU OSHIDA, WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME IN THIS WAY?!”
Tsukuyomi slapped the Rider’s arm. “Shut up!” She marched over to Geiz and grabbed him around his collar-belt thing. “All the years we’ve known each other! You’ve never shown me! Geiz, how could you~”
Geiz blinked at Tsukuyomi’s uncharacteristic behavior. “I... what?”
Sougo joined her, grabbing Geiz’s shirt by the hem. “Wait, is it the same as his anyway?” He started lifting the hem up, causing the other Rider to panic.
“Wait, what are you- Stop it you two! AAAAHHHHH!”
We all knew this was coming after that shirtless photo of Gaku Oshida with Gaku Sano and Taiko Katono.
Chapter 13: Ryuuga
In which Ryuuga thinks Atsuhiro Inukai (and maybe Sento) needs to be fed more
Or: that time Ryuuga gets his hands on Acchan’s photobook
Ryuuga’s had enough of this day.
First a mob of girls practically mauled him to death, ripping his shirt clean off him and forcing him to run around half-naked for half an hour. Then another mob of fangirls caught him and Sento and proceeded to lecture them on why they should be in love. Then there was the mess with the Another Riders and that Time Jacker.
And now, this.
This time, it’s a young man who’d (un?)knowingly broken the poor Rider’s head. He had smiled smugly at him before prancing away to The Future Kid, calling him his Overlord or something like that. Ryuuga had blinked at the magazine he’d been given, opened to a random page out of curiosity, then...
“WHAT THE MOTHER OF FUCK?!” Ryuuga cries as he gets an eyeful of a glistening, wet torso with a shockingly familiar head attached to it.
Misora gives him a look. “Banjou?” She goes around him, peering at the open page out of curiosity, then blinks. “Oh. Um. Uh,” she stammers.
Kazumi raises his brow then runs over to look at the magazine too. “MII-TAN!” He screeches, “WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT SENTO NAKED?!”
That makes everyone- everyone- stare at them, then turn to an extremely confused Sento. “Who, me, naked?” His jaw drops when he sees the photograph. “That... That’s not...”
“Kazumin, you idiot, it’s not Sento,” Ryuuga chides, ignoring how the face connected to the very naked chest looks exactly like his best friend’s. “See, it says his name is Atsuhiro Inukai.”
Gentoku snorts, looking at his phone. “Well, he does play Sento in our TV show. A lot of girls- and quite a few men- seem to think he’s attractive.”
He leers at Sento, who blushes tomato red. Some of the other Riders are starting to chuckle.
“Attractive? That guy?!” Kazumi protests. “Look at his ribs! They’re showing! It really is a miracle that people are buying this!”
“He is a bit too thin...” Ryuuga frowns a little, nodding. “Yeah... Actor or no, maybe he should eat more...” He turns to Sento. “You’re not that thin, are you? I swear to god if you are...”
Sento stammers in outrage. “N-No! Besides, why would you think that, I’m clearly superior to this Atsuhiro guy! I’m the real Sento!” They all turn to him with exasperation, raising their brows in unison. “Okay, fine, maybe I do need to eat a bit more-”
Ryuuga nods grumpily. “So does he.” He purses his lips. “Maybe we should get those fangirls of his to send him food. Both of you.”
Sento pouts. “Oi,” he says, looking put out.
Ryuuga laughs. “I’m kidding man,” he says. “There’s no way in hell I’m going through that again.”
There’s a murmur of agreement. Everyone agrees on that, at least. Sougo and Geiz volunteer to get everyone home, and that starts a fight as to who gets home when.
(While everyone’s arguing on who gets to ride in the awesome time machines first, Ryuuga tucks the magazine away in his jacket. For blackmail of course.)
Say aye if you’ve seen Acchan in his full glory
And yes, Woz is a true chaotic, sue me.
Chapter 14: Kazumi+Otoya
It’s Kamen Rider Grease versus Kamen Rider Dark Kiva! Who will win in this epic battle (for Mii-tan’s heart)?!
Or: Kazumi meets his doppelganger, Sento and Ryuuga are Not Helping, and poor Wataru wishes his dad never sired him
I know that technically Otoya is a Showa Rider because he was active in the 80’s BUT WHO GIVES A DAMN. LET THE BATTLE OF THE KOUHEI TAKEDAS BEGIN.
(Inspired by Kouhei Takeda playing Ganbarizing with Grease Blizzard against Dark Kiva)
Two Riders were glaring at each other from across a crudely drawn battlefield. A lone tumbleweed passed right in the middle as their heated gazes met, ignoring the atypical flora.
On the sidelines, the other Riders stared in a mix of exasperation, annoyance and disbelief. One particularly poor one was blushing so hard he resembled a tomato, hiding his face in his hands in embarrassment.
“Please,” he begged, “stop this madness, I beg of you,” Kurenai Wataru wailed into his hands. His predecessor, the once-painfully shy Nogami Ryoutaro, pat his head in sympathy.
“No way!” In contrast, his junior, Kiryuu Sento, was gleefully accepting bets from the assembled Riders. Beside him was Banjou Ryuuga, who was listing down who bet on who. “This is gonna be terrific.”
There was cheering and wolf whistling and whooping as the two Riders duking it out raised their respective Drivers and placed it at their waists in tandem. “Kick his ass, Kazumin!” yelled a woman in the crowd as man screamed, “Show him who’s boss Otoya!”
”HENSHIN!” The two Riders chorused as they activated their respective knuckles (What a cute coincidence huh?) and in a flash of light, their suits formed around their bodies.
Their bodies met in a clash of metal as their suits collided, sending a shockwave through the onlookers from the sheer force. This, however, only increased the crowd’s enthusiasm (and Wataru’s shame) as Grease Blizzard and Dark Kiva tried to wrestle each other into submission.
“Ryoutaro, kill me, no, kill my dad so I am never born,” Wataru cried exaggeratedly. “Or, maybe I should have Sougo erase us both from existence!”
”Calm down, Wataru...” Ryoutaro awkwardly comforted, looking utterly confused at his successor’s weird behavior.
Meanwhile, Dark Kiva was trash-talking Grease Blizzard. “Just give it up you balls-less otaku!” The casanova gritted as they locked together in a stalemate. “Misora will never like you!”
Grease Blizzard sneered, “Shut up! Mii-tan loves me!” He declared boldly. “And besides, why would she go for a womanizing, chauvinistic idiot who flirts with women in front of his son?!”
”He’s got a point, dad!” Wataru agreed wholeheartedly.
“Shut up!” Otoya yelled back at his kid before grabbing onto Kazumi again, this time by the belt. Kazumi did the same, so they were now locked in a sumo match, trying to throw each other to the ground.
Meanwhile, the pile of cash Sento was counting grew ever higher as everyone cast their bets (“Even you, Philip?” “What, do you all think I’m too innocent to gamble, partner?”)
All of a sudden, the crowd parted with gasps and two Riders separated from each other as something whizzed dangerously close to Otoya and Kazumi’s crotches. Everyone turned nervously from the sword that was stuck into the ground an inch deep, still vibrating...
...to see one Isurugi Misora glaring at them with a face that would haunt them into their nightmares. “What the fuck is going on here?!” She demanded, raising yet another sharp pointy object threateningly.
The crowd of Riders were dumbstruck.
“Perhaps I wasn’t making myself clear,” she began. Misora’s face went from being a living nightmare to being the single most terrifying thing in the multiverse. This time, she both raised the Beat Closer AND the Drill Crusher in her hands. “IF NO ONE FUCKING TALKS RIGHT NOW, IMMA CASTRATE ALL OF YOU AND FEED YOU YOUR OWN DAMN BALLS.”
Wataru whimpered as his dad backed into him. “You are the worst dad EVER!” He hissed into Otoya’s ear.
(As Mii-tan raised her swords with a war cry, intent on following through, Kazumi viciously agreed.)
Chapter 15: Eiji, Shoutaro and Philip: ~Piece~ Fragments of a Memory
"WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!"
"YOU DID... THAT TO WAKANA-NEE-SAN!" Philip was so irate his voice was barely recognizable. "HINO EIJI, COUNT UP YOUR SINS!"
"NO, PHILIP, NO! IT WAS JUST A MOVIE! IT WASN'T REALLY YOUR SISTER!" Double's left eye flashed, voice filled with desperation.
Philip's eye was twitching, slamming the laptop close with unnecessary force. Shoutaro was backing away slowly, discomfited by the killer vibes his partner was giving off.
"Where's Hino?" Philip growled in uncharacteristic anger. "Where's that underpants-obsessed moron?"
"Uh," Shoutaro stammered, hoping he could mentally send Eiji a signal to run away somewhere so remote even Philip can't find him. Possibly somewhere in outer space. Yeah. Philip won't be able to find him with the Gaia Library that way. Right? Maybe Gentaro will help his senpai escape Philip's wrath...
Alas, Shoutaro was no telepath, so the clueless Eiji walked up to them, seemingly unaware of Philip's mood towards him. "Yo, Shoutaro! Sougo-kun just told me you were given something interesting by his friend!"
"Y-you can say that," the detective replied, his head starting to pound. The prophet kid was way too pleased for his own good. Perhaps he can get the overlord to knock his 'faithful servant' down a peg or two. "It was a movie with you and Ankh's actors, made by the people who make our... TV shows." Yeah, he was never gonna get over that little tidbit. "But... well..."
Suddenly a light flashed from Shoutaro's waist, and when he and Eiji looked down, the Double Driver was already forming around his waist and the Joker Gaia Memory was installed in the left slot. "What the heck, Philip- Oh mother of fuck," the detective swore as the Joker Memory suddenly disappeared. He gave Eiji a baleful look. "I'm sorry man," he apologized.
"What for- Shoutaro!" Eiji yelled as Shoutaro fell over, somehow using his last minutes of consciousness to grab onto his hat and curl into a graceful, but comatose, heap. "Shoutaro! Shoutaro, wake up!" Eiji cried, shaking the other man in a fruitless attempt to wake him.
"Hino Eiji," a deep, menacing voice called, as a shadow fell over the Kamen Rider. Eiji felt a chill go up his spine, then slowly turned around, raising his hands in surrender. He stared in surprise at the figure. "D-Double? But how?" He looked back at the unconscious man beside him, then back at the half-black, half-white suit in front of him.
"Ah, I forgot you didn't know about this form," Double offhandedly said, his right eye blinking red to indicate Philip was talking. "This is FangJoker. In this form, I'm the one in control." The nonchalant tone sharpened, and so did a curved projection from the white side's foot and shoulder.
"Eiji!" The eye of the left side lit red. "Run!"
"What..." Before Eiji could even blink, Double's white, bladed foot was headed for his face. He rolled away, thankful for the honed instincts he got fighting Yummies and Greeed. "WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!"
"YOU DID... THAT TO WAKANA-NEE-SAN!" Philip was so irate his voice was barely recognizable. "HINO EIJI, COUNT UP YOUR SINS!"
"NO, PHILIP, NO! IT WAS JUST A MOVIE! IT WASN'T REALLY YOUR SISTER!" Double's left eye flashed, voice filled with desperation.
Several hours, twenty frantic generations of Riders, a hospital admission and a profusely apologetic Shoutaro later, Eiji learned how he had apparently wronged Philip. It seemed that his actor's dead love interest in the movie Shoutaro mentioned was played by a lady who looked just like his beloved sister Wakana. And the movie implied that they were also having... those kinds of relations as well.
"I still don't see how that was my fault," Eiji pointed out with a pout from his bed. He would've crossed his arms as well, but his arm was in a sling. He also had a leg cast and a neck brace, FangJoker having done quite a number on him. "The thing you mentioned was never confirmed, and even if it was, we're not our actors! I've never even met your sister!"
Philip was still huffy, regardless of the sound logic presented to him. Shoutaro sighed and pushed his head down, forcing him into a bow, then bowed too. "We're sorry, Eiji," the detective apologized once more on behalf of himself and his petulant partner.
"In any case," Eiji's overseeing physician stated, looking at the two senior Riders, "he should be fine in a few months. And we'll lend a wheelchair so you can take him home. That being said..." He gave Shoutaro a piece of paper. "Please present this to the cashier before checking him out." He bowed then left.
Shoutaro took one look at the paper. His eyes bugged out at the amount of zeroes on them. He groaned and passed it over to the Sonozaki heir. "You're paying, Philip."
A bit of an explanation: Toei made the movie "~Piece~ Fragments of a Memory" starring Shu Watanabe and Ryosuke Miura in different roles from the ones they played in OOO. Ryosuke played a photographer who had multiple personalities that change moment to moment. Shu's character was an amnesiac journalist investigating the strange death of his girlfriend. Said girlfriend was played by Rin Asuka, who also played Wakana in Double.
Shu's character also had no problems with having sex, even with other women, so... he might've, ahem, do the do with Rin's character? Which by extension means that technically, Eiji and Wakana were... um..
Chapter 16: Sento (again)
Or: The Self Insert fic
Sento smiled as he looked out the city, relieved that things had calmed down after Tid's rampage. The posters for Sougo's show still sort of creeped him out, but at the same time, he was sort of happy. Those posters were proof that even in this world where Riders never existed, they were still symbols of hope and justice. And for all the pain and suffering they've been through, it was all worth it... for their smiles, their cheers, their belief in them...
He drew back from the overpass railing, wrapping his jacket around him, deciding that he should probably go. It was almost time for him and the others to return to their world. Sougo and Geiz had split up to return the other Riders to their respective times, and the Build team were the last to go home. "Goodbye, this world," he whispered with a smile.
As he turned to leave, he collided with a person going the opposite way, who was seemingly distracted by the conversation they were in with their companion. The person shrieked girlishly as she listed to the side, while her companion yelled, "Kari-san! Look out!"
Sento's quick reflexes kicked into action, reaching out for Kari's waist, pulling her up to him. She squeaked, putting her arms on his shoulders for support as she caught her bearings, her face pressed against his chest. "Whoa, you okay, miss?"
"I'm fine, thank-" The girl stopped as she pulled her face away to look at him, her eyes widening and a blush rising on her cheeks. "A-Acchan?"
He blinked. "No," he replied, frowning as he slowly let her go, her arms still on his shoulders, "I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone else, miss..."
"Kari-san!" Her friend ran back to her, "Are you okay? What are you staring at-" She followed Kari's gaze, her eyes landing on his face. "Oh. OH." The friend stammered. "You- You're..."
Kari let out a screech, pushing him away from her then putting her face into her hands. "Kyaaa! Iris-chan, it's... it's him, oh my god, it's..." she babbled, her ears going red.
Sento blinked at her. Then a thought occurred to him. "Wait... you're..." He realized, "You two are fans, aren't you? Of... Build? And Inukai?"
Iris blushed horribly, cheeks pinking. "Yes," she whispered, embarrassed, grabbing Kari by her arm and pulling her to her side. "The second one... Her more than me, really, but yes," she admitted.
Kari still had her face covered, by judging by how red her ears had become, she was blushing hard. "Iris-chan!" she cried in protest.
Iris laughed. "Don't pretend that you don't, Kari-san," she teased. "Didn't you say you wanted to do things to his..."
"IRIS-CHAN!" The other screamed in outrage. Sento squeaked at her volume and the implications- he knew he was attractive, of course, but he didn't think he was that attractive. "I'm sorry about my friend, she's just being nosy... Iris-san, let's go, we'll be late!" she said in an obvious attempt to flee the awkward situation. She bowed hurriedly and literally ran away, Iris following her after smirking and bowing at Sento.
"Uh, bye?" Sento waved at their retreating backs. "That was pretty weird..." Scratching his still-pink cheeks, he shook his head, turning the other way to go back to the others.
"Kari-san? You okay?"
"Yeah, she's okay, Keru-chan. She's just a bit catatonic after she ran into Sento." Iris winked at Keru.
Keru's eyes widened. "Eh? Kari-san, for real?"
Kari nodded numbly. "He was glorious, Keru. Fucking glorious..." She sighed blissfully. "His collarbones, oh my god... And his chest was so... And his lips were so close, I..." Her eyes glazed over as she stared into the distance.
"I think we lost her," Iris snorted into her iced tea.
Keru huffed. "She's so lucky... I wanted to be in Sento's arms, too~!"
Iris laughed, patting her arm sympathetically. "Don't we all, Keru?"
Kidding, bless you Iris