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The Hogwarts Express at Essan Bothy

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Bobby One: What’s near to them?

Bobby Two: Let’s check the map. [rustles] Nearest road is … three miles by foot, the A830. House is, well, the bothy, but beyond that still more’n three miles. Train line runs right by them, though. D'ya think we could stop a train?

Bobby One: Oi’ve always wanted to stop a train. Whose line is it?

Bobby Two: Should be Network Rail, innit?

Bobby One: Yea but that’s everyone.

Bobby Two: True. West Coast Line, would be … eh let’s just call up Network Rail and see who runs trains there.

one annoying phone conversation later

Bobby Two: Right, that’s Caledonian Sleeper, ScotRail, and West Coast Railways.

Bobby One: Me mate works West Coast, I’ll take that one. You for Caledonian. Charlie!

Detective Charlie: (asleep at the desk) gnuf?

Bobby One: Oi, Charlie! Call up ScotRail and ask if they have anything on the West Coast Line today.

Charlie: Wot?

one annoying, one pleasant, and one enthusiastic phone conversation later

Bobby One: It is the very happiest day of my life.

Bobby Two: Why’s ‘at?


Bobby One: They’re stopping the Hogwarts Express for 'em.

Bobby Two: u wot m8?

Bobby One: (faster and higher pitched) They’re stopping the Hogwarts Express to pick up the family!

Bobby Two: They are? Well innit your lucky day.

Bobby One: eeeeeeeeeeeee

Bobby Two: … right. I’ll call ‘em up.

Bobby Two, on the phone: Right, sir, we’ve arranged for the next train to stop and pick you up, and you won’t believe who’s picking you up.

Bobby One: (in the background) eeeeeeeeeeee

Mr Cluett: Is that your kettle?