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She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain

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“She’ll be cumming ‘round the mountain when she cums” went the song, at least until the physics department faculty advisor heard about it.

The namesake she had donated a sample of her ejaculate to the project, for determining its mass, so consent was fine and dandy as far as the experimental research subject was concerned. No, the faculty advisor’s concern was the rest of the experiment, and the fact that the students involved were primarily astrophysicists.

The students were trying to figure out what would be required to make the cum orbit the mountain. The PIs were seriously discussing whether it would be more feasible to increase the mountain’s mass to the point where the cum would orbit it, or whether it would be better to define the Earth to be the mountain and then try to get the cum to orbit earth. A biophysicist and some others were trying to figure out whether it would be possible to ejaculate with enough force to get the cum into orbit, and a planetologist elsewhere in the room was going through a census of smaller Solar-orbiting objects to see if there were any with a ejaculation-feasible orbital velocity, assuming that ejaculation could be performed on that planet. There was half of a credible plan for terraforming Deimos on one chalkboard, and on another board there was a very infeasible plan for putting the mountain into orbit.

The faculty advisor walked into the room. Conversations slowly ground to a halt, as the conspirators observed the look of horror upon their advisor’s face.

“No,” declared the advisor. “The simple solution is to rewrite the problem. Not cumming but coming. Put her in a carriage and have it pulled by six white horses or something. Get your heads out of the gutter.”

The advisor left, unseeingly passing an undergraduate carrying a gun chronograph towards the fateful room.