“Dead. Thirteen twenty-four pm. March eighth.” The doctor’s voice echoed through Taehyung’s head as he fell to his knees, arms wrapped around him when he realized they were his own.
He was all alone now. The only person he had was gone.
In a matter of seconds everything Taehyung ever loved came crashing down and he was left to deal with the shattered pieces. And now, the bright and colourful world that Taehyung had grown to love disappeared, leaving behind the black and white that proved this was real.
Yoongi was gone, and he was never coming back.
He never even made it to his twenty-fifth birthday.
The first day without Yoongi was the most miserable. Taehyung refused to leave their shared bed, curled up clutching Yoongi’s favorite sweater while he wore one of his shirts. Tears leaked from his eyes, and soaked the beige sweater as Taehyung held it tightly to his chest. He wanted Yoongi back. He needed Yoongi back. He couldn’t handle the immense amount of pain that was clouding and making his chest tight.
All he could hear were the doctor’s words playing over and over in his head confirming the one thing he wished he would never hear. At least not this early in their lives. Yoongi should have lived longer. Why did he have to go so soon? Why couldn’t he notice sooner that Yoongi was suffering by himself?
With the way Yoongi would refrain from leaving the house always choosing to read a book or avoiding communication with anyone should have began to be a hint to Taehyung. He should have figured it out by the way he would wake up at random times in the middle of the night to Yoongi crying. The lies Yoongi would tell saying it was only a nightmare but he would continue crying even after Taehyung pretended to fall asleep.
He should have noticed with the way Yoongi chose not to wear short sleeve shirts anymore, resorting to only long-sleeves and hoodies. Taehyung couldn’t remember the last time he had seen his arms. The pale, skinny, longness of Yoongi’s arms have become a distant memory that Taehyung was now wishing he could remember. He didn’t want to forget anything about Yoongi. He couldn’t forget anything about him.
When Yoongi began rejecting they shower together should of been his first clue. Everyday the couple normally showered together, and when Yoongi began saying he wanted to by himself it had thrown Taehyung for a loop, but he never stopped to question it. Instead just agreeing and going on with his day. If he sat down and thought about that more, maybe he could have prevented this.
A sob wracked through Taehyung’s body as he brought the sweater closer to his body pressing his face into the soft fabric inhaling Yoongi’s scent. He would never be able to smell this again once it faded. He would never be able to have Yoongi’s scent on him, or hear his laugh, or see his gummy smile. He would never see Yoongi again, or hear his voice, or feel him.
Yoongi was gone. He was gone, and Taehyung never even knew anything was wrong.
He missed him so much, and not just him. He missed everything Yoongi would say or do.
He missed the smell of Yoongi’s coffee brewing when he first woke up, missed the way the light from the window would blind him from Yoongi having opened them, missed the way Yoongi would wake him up with pressing multiple kisses to his face. And most of all…
He missed having Yoongi laying in bed with him.
His side was cold, and not even Taehyung laying on it himself could bring the warmth he came to love back.
It took almost a week for Taehyung to finally leave his house. He refused to leave the bed unless utterly mandatory not wanting to be away from Yoongi’s belongings for longer than five minutes. He couldn’t remember the last time he ate something proper that wasn’t snacks or dry cereal.
Even now he wasn’t ready to leave the house. He didn’t want to be seen by other people, didn’t want to talk to anyone, or see any other couples happy and cheery. And it wasn’t helping that the reason he was leaving was for Yoongi’s funeral. Just standing at his front door getting ready to leave Taehyung had tears welling up in his eyes as he thinks about where he’s about to go. He didn’t want to go, didn’t want to be reminded yet again that Yoongi was gone and would never be back. That he would never come back to life, because he died.
Because he killed himself.
A tear slid down Taehyung's face as he remembered the image of Yoongi unconscious in their bathroom, blood pooled around him and an empty bottle container next to him. He remembered the way his lungs burned from his screams as he cried out for someone to call an ambulance now glad that he lived in an apartment complex so someone had managed to hear him.
He could remember the feeling of Yoongi's blood on his hands as he shifted him onto his lap cradling him begs, and pleas falling out of his mouth sobbing for Yoongi to stay with him. But all those didn't work, nothing worked. And now he was left to deal with the pain.
Taehyung wished he had noticed sooner. He wished he could have stopped Yoongi from committing that sin, from ending his life. He wished he would have known that Yoongi was suffering so much, that he felt all alone in the world, that he felt he had no one he could talk to in his life. He wished Yoongi had trusted him more, wished Yoongi would have talked to him so they could fight that battle together. But maybe Yoongi didn't want that. Maybe Yoongi hadn't ever thought he would succeed in that battle so he didn't bother to try and allowed it to get worse.
It hurt thinking like that. Thinking that since he would never succeed in being happy again, he didn't see the point in trying. What was the point when he wouldn't get the results that he wanted?
Taehyung took in a deep breath reaching out for the door handle. But before he grabbed it he whimpered and pulled away. He couldn't do this. He couldn't go see Yoongi's funeral. He didn't want to see Yoongi's lifeless body again. He saw it once, he wouldn't be able to handle that again.
All he would be able to see is the memories with Yoongi he had wanted to create at some point in their future. But what future did they have together now? What future did Taehyung have now without Yoongi? Without his soulmate?
Nothing. He had nothing. Not anymore.
A knock at the front door pulled Taehyung from his thoughts, and when he realized it he was already crying, salty tears flowing down his cheeks almost like a river. They kept flowing and flowing and wouldn't stop no matter how much wiping he did.
The knocking continued, followed with a “Taehyungie. It's Jeonggukie. Can I come in?”
Taehyung snapped his head up at the voice, a sob hitting him as he stood up walked to the door pulled it open and threw his body at Jeonggukie. He needed the comfort, needed the feeling of being in someone's arms even if it wasn't Yoongi's. He felt incredibly lonely, and useless right now. Dealing with all these thoughts by himself wasn't helping. He needed someone else.
Jeongguk wrapped his arms around Taehyung tightly walking them into the apartment closing the door behind him as he picked Taehyung up to carry him to the bedroom. Taehyung let out a soft whimper at the action wrapping his arms securely around Jeongguk’s neck not bothering to let up anytime soon.
He only let go once he felt his bottom touch the cushioning of the mattress. Taehyung still refused to let up on his grip on Jeongguk’s neck resulting in the younger to crouch down so they could be eye-to-eye.
“Tae,” Jeongguk whispered, putting his hands on Taehyung’s thighs. “I know this is a hard day for you. I know it’s painful, and you don’t want to go, but this is Yoongi’s funeral. You have to. You’re the one person Yoongi would want there more than anything.”
Taehyung shook his head not bothering to listen to what Jeongguk was telling him. “That’s not true! He doesn’t want me there! He didn’t tell me anything was wrong. I never knew he was suffering. He didn’t trust me enough to turn to me.” Another sob wracked through his body as he leaned down to press his head against Jeongguk’s chest. “H-He l-left me.”
Taehyung loosened up on his grip finally letting his hands fall limp at his side as they fell from Jeongguk’s neck. “W-why? Why did he have to leave me? Didn’t he know it would hurt?”
Jeongguk sighed, reaching out to take Taehyung’s hands in his own. “He trusted you more than anything Tae. Yoongi loved you. You two were going to get married soon, Yoongi was getting ready to propose. But whatever it was he was dealing with grew to be too much. I don’t think Yoongi meant to kill himself that day Tae. He just wanted to hurt, to feel something else besides the constant pain he was feeling mentally. He was never supposed to die Taehyungie.” Jeongguk squeezed Taehyung’s hand in reassurance. “He never wanted to hurt you Taehyung. Never wanted to leave. I know it hurts, but please don’t hate him for it. Forgive him, and by forgiving him start moving on. Living everyday with a misery that you lost him isn’t what Yoongi wants. You have to accept this and move on Hyung. It will get better.”
“I don’t want to.” Taehyung cried, squeezing Jeongguk’s hand so tightly he was sure it could break. “I don’t want to move on. My soulmate, my boyfriend, my best friend is dead Jeongguk! I can’t move on. Not now, not ever. I miss him. I-I...I want him back.”
“I know Taehyung.” Jeongguk let go of Taehyung’s right hand bringing his own up to stroke Taehyung’s hair. “I know you do, but we can’t change the past. We have to move on. I’m hurting too Hyung. I miss Yoongi to absolute pieces, but I can’t let this hold me back, okay? Yoongi wouldn’t want that. He wants you to be happy, and if you live in constant pain and grievance over this...you will never achieve that happiness he wants.”
Jeongguk stood up taking a breath, “Hurting now is okay. Hurting years from now is okay. But you one day need to try and move on Hyung. One day you have to.”
Taehyung looked up at Jeongguk nodding, “One day I will. For now, I want to hurt. For now I just want to spend my days remembering everything about Yoongi. I don’t want to forget anything about him. I miss him...I miss him so much.”
Jeongguk nodded slowly, a small smile forming on his face, “One day is all I can ask for.” He held his hand out for Taehyung’s. “Shall we go to his funeral now?”
Slowly Taehyung got up on his feet taking Jeongguk’s hand into his own. He wasn’t ready to go to the funeral. He would never be ready for that. He would never be ready to say goodbye. He would never be ready to move on regardless of what Jeongguk said to him. Because when Yoongi died he didn’t just end his life…
He ended Taehyung’s too.