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Craig Tucker Must Die

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It was in the seventh grade when Tweek realized he was invisible, and not in the ‘you have actual powers like a superhero’. No he was more,

 

“Anonymous,” Tweek replied out loud to the spelling bee’s judge twitching nervously. “A-N-O-N-I-M-O-U-S, Anonymous.” Tweek finished looking at his teacher who shook their head.

 

“I’m sorry but that’s wrong. W-R-O-N-G, wrong.” The teacher spelled out and then looked to the next student to spell the next word.

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t try, he did make a few friends but nothing really personal with anyone. He knew his quirks made him kind of a,

 

“Loser, L-O-S-E-R, Loser.” The girl spelled out and shot a look at Tweek personally. His paranoia, anxiety, and ADHD made him a loser, and him being a loser made him paranoid, and anxious. It was a vicious cycle and the only place he felt remotely normal was in a psychiatric hospital.

 

When it came to love… Tweek didn’t have it any better. It didn’t help that he was also gay. So when boys did notice him and gave him notes he got slightly excited until they said the words. “Pass it on.” Yeah, love sucked, S-U-C-K-E-D, Sucked. It also didn’t help that his parents kept moving around the US. All to build a coffee Empire by opening stores getting them started and leaving. So when his parents asked if he liked each town he’d gotten used to saying ‘doesn’t matter.’

 

But wherever they went Tweek had gotten good at spotting that guy, the guy every girl should skip. He was the guy who dated around and you didn’t know if you were dating him, the guy you Skip. There was one good thing about being invisible, Tweek never had to say any goodbyes.

 

But in a town of only 4 thousand it was still hard to be unknown which meant when you did show up to support your high School team, the South Park Cows, and sat in the very back in the middle people notice you. So Tweek went from invisible to sort of unknown to,

 

“Are you a narc?” A girl behind Tweek asked and he shook his head nervously twitching and holding coffee.

 

But enough about Tweek, this story isn’t even about him. It’s about him, Craig Tucker. Let’s just face it. He is the man, Captain of the Football team, his family is loaded and he looks somewhere between an Abercrombie model and a Greek god. Beautiful black hair, blue eyes, a deep voice, and a very strong jawline.

 

“Tucker!!” The girls screamed cheering him on as they set up for the last few seconds of the game happened. Craig was the quarterback, he called all the plays, and was the leader of the offense. He was the one who got to deal with all the stress in making sure they didn’t lose this game.

 

“Let’s go Craig! Kill the bobcats! Not real bobcats, I mean, they’re endangered.” A girl spoke up cheering on the local god. Esther was her name, black hair brown eyes, and the local activist, always promoting something for animals.

 

Craig called out a play and then the game was in motion. He dodged the defense and ran into the end zone with zero on the clock successfully scoring 6 points which meant the Cows had won. All thanks to one Craig Tucker. The School’s news team quickly tried to move into the field to get a good shot and hopefully talk to a few players, bumping the cheerleaders who were equally swarming the field. The head cheerleader and the news channel girls both sending each other dirty looks as they bumped into each other.

 

“This is Bebe. It’s no question who’s taking the Cows to state this year,” Bebe spoke wavy brown hair, hazel eyes and the over achiever. She was involved in everything, newspaper, the news channel. She was sending looks to Craig and he smiled walking over putting an arm around her.

 

“Craig Tucker here, also known as ‘Tuck’, ‘T-man’, ‘T-Dog’...” Craig started flirting with the camera as his own friend walked up.

 

“T-Dog!” An ebony colored man yelled trying to get him back into the team huddle. Token Black, and he really was the actual token black guy in South Park High School.

 

“Some people call me ‘T-Money’...” Craig continued, “But I’m best known as ‘El Capitan’.” Craig smirked and winked to the camera going back to the huddle and people were more focused on the cheerleaders.

 

“Short skirts equal talent, Yay.” Bebe rolled her eyes at the head cheerleader busting a move by showing off her ass and then her breasts. But Bebe wasn’t the only one rolling her eyes no that was also done by Esther.

 


 

 

Tweek remembered the first time he spoke to Craig Tucker. He would have liked to think that Craig didn’t completely blow him away or anything of that sort. That Tweek was completely in control. “Hey table six.” a waitress mentioned and Tweek nodded walking over to the table seeing none other than Craig Tucker.

 

Craig Tucker tried to be careful as he checked Tweek out giving Tweek a slight hope that yeah he’s gay doesn’t have a date and would give Tweek a chance. “Hi,” Craig stated nonchalant in his low voice, blue eyes shining.

 

“Yes, I mean… no, I-I mean you…” Tweek stuttered as he moved side to side nervously.

 

“I’m not quite ready to order. Thanks,” Craig saved Tweek from himself.

 

Tweek nodded doing a slight bow. And yes after he bowed Tweek’s immediate thought was oh god please tell me he hadn’t just bowed to Craig. But of course when Tweek looked back to the table Craig was helping a girl into her seat. Of course a guy like that had a girlfriend. And that girlfriend was none other than Bebe Stevens, runs the School TV station, not to mention the Honor Society, Junior Achievers, 4-H Club, Future Filmmakers of America, Big Sisters, Adopt-A-Shut-In. And that’s all Tweek thought she was doing.

 

“I’ve decided to write a children’s book.” Bebe smiled as she sat down looking at Craig.

 

And she’d decided to write a children’s book. Tweek watched them look over the menu and Bebe spoke something French to Craig as he started walking up.

 

“Mmm, you are so sexy when you speak French.” Craig remarked leaning in and the two of them kissing.

 

“Uh… nngh, do you guys want a minute?” Tweek asked being completely ignored so he left them be.

 

But that wasn’t Craig’s only girlfriend. The one he was with now was Red, or at least that’s what everyone called her. She was a cheerleader, the co-captain to be precise and that was enough said. She wasn’t like Wendy the other captain. Red was considered the slut cheerleader and that was self-explanatory.

 

When Tweek first saw them they were kissing and then Red continued with the story she was telling Craig, “And Molly's all, Why don’t we ‘Stomp, Fight, Roar’'”

 

“‘Stomp, Fight, Roar?’” Craig echoed being just as confused and insulted as Red had been when she had said the same slogan.

 

“I know! I mean, at halftime? What a dud,” Red rolled her eyes as Tweek walked up.

 

“Two green salads, dressing on the side. Salmon for her, Lobster for me,” Craig smoothly took the menu away from Red as he ordered for both of them handing the menus back to Tweek. The whole ordering for both of them was nice but it also meant that Craig new the menu and that was partly because he’d been here before. Not that Red seemed to notice.

 

“I love when you do that,” Red smiled leaning into Craig.

 

“I love doing that,” Craig replied leaning into her as well both of them an inch away from each other.

 

“I love that you love that I love you doing that,” Red spoke again flirting with Craig some more.

 

“And no need to rush between courses.” Craig advised completely ignoring Tweek. He moved his chair closer to Red as Tweek awkwardly walked away. “That top, looks so hot on you. I bet it's even hotter off of you.” Craig smiled and leaned in kissing Red passionately.

 

But Craig Tucker didn’t have just two girlfriends, no he had three. And the third was one Esther Schneider.

 

“Never been here before, babe. So I hope they have good vegetarian.” Craig stated to Esther as they sat down and opened their menu. He was already lying, Tweek and anyone else who had been in the restaurant already knew that he had been here with his two other girlfriends.

 

“Oh, no! Veal? I'm sorry, Let's just go. You know, if I wanted to torture animals. I'd go to a medical lab,” Craig stood up trying to make a big scene without making a big scene.

 

“Hey,” Esther smiled caring as she touched his bicep and pulled him back into his chair looking at him lovingly.

 

“Which I would never do, cause they torture animals,” Craig looked at her stating the obvious even though it had already been a big deal about animal testing and most products now were never tested on animals.

 

Tweek had come to learn from his School jumping -although he wasn’t passing judgment- But for whatever reason, being a vegan teen activist is usually code for ‘easy’.

 

“You know, for you, I do not have to give up all meat.” Esther smiled to Craig as she leaned in and kissed him as all his other girlfriends had done the same. Tweek wasn’t making this stuff up.

 

“I don’t get it.” Tweek spoke up to the other girl working with him tonight. “All these girls seem so, c-confident and cool! How do they not know Craig’s cheat-cheating on all of them?” Tweek asked looking to the other girl for an answer.

 

“He’s a total operator. He goes out with girls from different cliques so that they never actually talk to each other,” The girl snorted. “Tells us that his father will not let him date during basketball season, so they'll have to keep it a secret.” She whispered the last part slightly as they both stared at Craig and Esther.

 

“How’d you l-learn all this stuff?” Tweek asked since she seemed to know a lot more than what Tweek initially thought she’d know.

 

“I don’t know,” She started tearing up. “Just a guess,” She sobbed quickly retreating into the kitchen.

 

And when it came to School. Craig Tucker owned it all. Tweek tried to sit down at a table and introduce himself but everyone who was there quickly got up and left. But unlike Tweek every person who was anyone immediately came up to Craig said hi to him as Clyde and Token his two best friends followed him. Sure there were other clicks and popular people who also hung out with Craig but being the hottest guy at South Park High School had its perks and the free water tossed to him and his friends wasn’t the one people saw.

 

Craig tucker even had the nerve to go up to each of his secret girlfriends and flirt with them by feeling them up or in Bebe’s case sucking chocolate frosting off her finger. And of course none of the girls saw him do this. He had his system of juggling girls down to finite point. But even he couldn’t anticipate the events of Black Tuesday.

 

He got cocky and smiled to a PE teacher who mistook it as flirting. And then soon enough. “Oh my gosh!” A girl yelled and there was Coach Claypoole lying on the ground. But how was Craig supposed to know Coach Clay Poole had acute angina. It was a pre-existing condition, and she took the opportunity to have an early retirement in Sun City, Florida.

 

This meant that all the gym classes were merged. “Yeah, yeah, I know. We all hate each other.” The teacher rolled her eyes at all of the girls sighing in the gym.

 

“No we hate you,” A girl sassed sitting down on the bleachers.

 

The teacher rattled off names as they moved to one side and Tweek with the three girlfriends and a few others. “You weren’t at the party last night, where were you?” A girl asked looking at Bebe.

 

Bebe smiled, “Well this is totally on the DL, I mean, not fit to print.” She cupped her hand and whispered excitedly, “I’m dating Craig Tucker!”

 

Red looked pissed and took the volleyball and aimed for Bebe’s head hitting her. Bebe yelled and Red shrugged, “Sorry it slipped.” Bebe looked slightly pissed but brushed it off getting ready to play volleyball again. Red then took aim again and nailed Bebe again in the head.

 

“You know what?” Bebe strutted over to a Red pissed off. “That was no accident!” Bebe shoved Red slightly.

 

“He’s mine! Stay away from him!” Red yelled shoving Bebe back.

 

“Oh you little brat!” Bebe yelled slapping Red as Esther ran in between them.

 

“Oh! Girls! Peace and love! Come on! No guy is worth fighting over! Stop!” Esther tried to contain them both as they still tried to get to each other and attack.

 

“There’s nothing to fight about!” Red yelled trying to push Esther out of the way. “Craig Tucker is mine!” Esther gasped and shoved the ball she was holding hard at Red’s stomach. “What the hell is your problem!” Red yelled at her.

 

“I, am dating Craig Tucker.” Esther insisted pointing to herself and both girls gasped. Red threw the ball at Esther who ducked and the ball hit Tweek in the face. As Esther came back up Bebe slapped her hard and Esther slapped Bebe back.

 

The teacher whistled loudly jumping in the middle of the three girls. “Enough! Let’s get back in the game.” The teacher announced her word as law even though the three girls didn’t look done fighting.

 

After the teacher had turned her back Esther lunged at Bebe the teacher yelling as the girls yelled both trying to do different things. Tweek being in the wrong place at the wrong time ended up hit in the stomach with a bag full of balls. All of the balls were being used as ammo as Tweek once again got hit as a different girl tried to hit another one.

 

The goth kids still looking bored and uninterested as this happened.

 

Esther grabbed the ball cart and shoved it into the teacher, Bebe and Red. Who subsequently took down Tweek too and Esther once again joining them on the floor to fight some more. Tweek grabbed the teachers whistle rubbing it on his shirt and whistled hard breaking up the fight for a split moment.

 

“This guy is cheating on all of you and instead of taking it out on him you’re beating the shit out of each other!” Tweek twitched yelling at them sick of accidentally getting mixed up in their fight.

 

The teacher yelled scrambling to get up and be above the girls. “Language! Detention! You, you, you, and you!” The teacher pointed at them as she spoke, “Honestly.” She shook her head walking away.

 

“Who is that?” Esther asked referring to Tweek.

 

“I don’t know, Crank something?” Red answered back not caring and full of attitude.