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Picking Out the Perfect Tree

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“What about this one?”

Dark watched with one eyebrow raised and fond smile as Wil darted to the next tree in the line, studying it for a few seconds before moving to the next one, all the while calling out for Dark’s approval. Chuckling, the demon’s gaze panned over the rest of the Christmas tree farm, surveying his little ragtag group of idiots he called a family.

The first he saw were the Jims; both of them were circling one particular tree with ridiculously intense expressions, Cameraman Jim’s camera zoomed in as far as it could in order to analyze every detail. The Google’s were scattered about the whole farm, literally analyzing every single tree, an action Dark rolled his eyes at. He spotted Bing out of the corner of his eye trying to skateboard on the rough gravel covering the ground of the farm, Red snapping at him for being an idiot when he fell over.

Dark raised an eyebrow when Dr. Iplier sidled up next to him, breathing oddly heavy. “Enjoying the chaos, are we?” His grin was bright, and there was definite humor to his tone.

Dark laughed, shaking his head fondly. “It gets worse every year.” They watched as King desperately tried to coax down Wil’s pet squirrel Bubblegum from the top of one of the taller trees, Ed ‘helpfully’ trying to lasso her down, and Bubblegum herself running in frantic circles around the trunk, chattering endlessly.

“Hey Silver! Mind helping a guy out?”

“I am not helping you shoplift a Christmas tree, Bim!”

“Eh, couldn’t hurt to ask!”

Dr. Iplier snorted, shaking his head before sending a cursory glance over his shoulder. He did a double-take, eye going wide and mouth falling open. “Oh my – Bing! Get down from there, how did you even get on the roof?! Wait – Bing don’t you dare!” His shout attracted the attention of all four Googles, and the five of them ran off to stop Bing from doing whatever the Hell he was doing – Dark didn’t dare turn around and find out.

“Ed, please stop, you’re scaring her!”

“Shut the fuck up, King, I’m helpin’!”

Hey Darkipoo! This one looks nice!

“Bim, I swear, stop trying to steal the trees! How would you even get it out of here?!”

“Hey hey hey, a man can dream, can’t he, Silver?”

“This one looks good, Jim!’

“Ah, but look, Jim! A needle is bent! NEXT TREE!”

Finally, Dark caught sight of the Host. The blind ego was standing on the very outskirts of the farm, clearly watching the chaos despite his distinct lack of sight, with his knowing little smirk plastered to his face. Dark walked up to him, standing shoulder to shoulder. “…Do you know which tree they’ll eventually pick out?”

The Host’s smirk grew. “Of course.”

“What do you say we buy it and get out of here before they break something?”

The Host opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by the Silver Shepherd’s panicked shout: “Wait, Wilford, what are you –”


There was a loud crash, and they both winced, though there was a laugh to the Host’s voice when he spoke. “The Host believes it’s a bit too late for that.”

“Let’s leave them behind then.”

Another crash sounded, followed by Wil's distinct cackling laugh.