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The pain of Arahabaki

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So there he was, laying in the middle of the street, looking at the stars that made the darkness of the night a little brighter. Not able to focus on anything enough but the endless little lights above, the rest of the world all blurred together, fading more and more with every passing second. How long has it been since he last moved? It didn’t matter anymore, all that mattered was the sky, the countless worlds he was looking at. If only…if only his own world would shine as bright as the others did right now…but it didn’t, the brightness of his life long lost and forgotten.

When did he get like this? Was it an hour? A day? A month? Maybe even a year?

He didn’t care anymore, nothing mattered, nothing but the night, the eternal darkness that was his life now. All his own stars disappeared throughout the years, even the brightest one, the one he thought would be eternal. He was wrong, of course he was, why would any light want to stay with the darkness after all? In the end all the stars above would disappear one day. Not a single one would stay, so maybe if he watched them disappear one by one until there was nothing but black over his head, maybe then he could continue. Knowing that not only his world was filled with nothing but the pitch black void, the nothingness his life has become, or maybe it was always there and he just didn’t remember anymore.

Did it always hurt this much? Did the pain ever go away? Could he even remember what it felt like to be alive?

Alive…the pain was the only proof he still was, but what good did it ever do? The blur that was this world would never brighten up again, would never fill his eyes with joy, there was not a single thing left that kept the darkness locked away. Maybe he should just let go after all…what point was there to still be alive? Fate would probably not even let him die, he would just return to what he was….a monster…that’s what he truly was. Something not able to love, to feel, to think, to exist like he did for so long, yet here he was after all these years. If he would just let go…let the darkness devour him once more…maybe it would all be better…

What was the point in trying? The feelings that numbed his frame? The tears that tainted his face? It was all because of him…because a monster does not deserve to live a human life…so why was he still clinging to it after all these years…

The world around him was slowly crumbling to pieces, the lights they created to escape the darkness fading away. Only the flames stayed, drowning even the stars in a deep red, the fire burning just like it burned him so many times. Punished for his sins, broken for his greed, falling for his pride, because that was the only explanation he accepted. Everything was lost because of who he was, payback for taking the life he didn’t deserve, for experiencing the things he shouldn’t have.

“Why….I didn’t want this….I didn’t….”

A cry of a soul that had no right to exist, screams filling the sea of red around him. He didn’t want this, but it was his fault after all, because he took too much, he got too much.

“Please…anything…”

Desperate. Helpless. Like an abandoned child. Just a bit longer, and he would break. Just one more thing, and he was lost, just like he should be.

“Give him back…”

The floor breaking, the sky falling, this was it, the surrender he awaited for so long.

“I’m sorry…Dazai…”

Everything drowned in the endless pain, because he was the one who should have never felt love and his punishment was to lose it. For he shall never feel, never think, never exist in a way different than this, but it was too late. He who he only knew destruction and rage, a wild creature locked away, now he would make them suffer for taking it away. His light, the star that shone so brightly in his darkness. Nothing could ever seal him away, he wouldn’t allow it, he wouldn’t let them take it again, the one thing that was left…his pain.