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I Never Stopped Mourning You Until-

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Loki’s funeral was to be held tomorrow.

 

Loki’s funeral…

 

Loki’s funeral…

 Truly?

They could never recover the body, but... however... his little brother, suddenly so hurt... Loki, with suddenly such pain and aching... he truly has died, hasn't he?? It was. It was actually true. Not a joke of Loki's.

 

No. It was. The truth.

 

But. Why?!

 

*****************

 

A little daughter of a cook, when hearing about it in the corridor, gasped and asked, „Oh my Fate, but why? Who killed prince Loki? Was it Laufey? Now I’m sure it was Laufey, he was just jealous, because prince Loki was very funny, and frost giants are never funny, so, they were envious! A friend of a friend of a friend said Frost Giants came here. As in, here here, exactly here! So. They killed prince Loki! I am but certain! Father, am I right or wrong?”

Her father shushed her anxiously upon seeing Thor.

 

Thor wished he was able to answer.

 

Who killed prince Loki?

 

He was deathly afraid that, for some reason who couldn’t fathom, the only answer he could rightly guess at was….

 

Failed king Thor killed prince Loki, child. And he’s sorry. He’s sorry. He’s so sorry---

 

****************

 

But why? How? What did I do that killed my Brother inside? Didn’t I love him enough…?!

He said he’s not my brother. What cause did I give him to feel that? Ah, I… offended him. I offended him, that must be so, I offended him deeply, to the core, I--- whatever I said, I wish I was mute, I wish, I wish, I wish---

 

******************

 

"Thor?”

 

Mother. Mother shouldn’t have come to his chambers. Why did she?

 

"Thor. My son – why are you mourning alone? You know we’ve loved him as much, your Father and I.”

Thor gasped. She didn’t know. Mother didn’t know! She didn’t know why her beloved son died.

"Mother, I--- it is… Loki… Loki killed himself to – to hurt me. It is through my neglect--- that it happned. Loki – he only killed himself to have a revenge on me. A… a fierce revenge. He succeeded, at that. But, I must discover… what hurt hath I wrought him… that even consideration for your Heart, Mother, did not stop Loki. My crime must hath been enormous indeed… and more hurtful than fiercest wounds. And yet, I cannot see my crime--- Mother, am I blind?”

 

Frigga shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes.

 

"Thor… the ‘crime’ as you wrongly put it, is not yours. You see, Loki… was saved from death when he was but a tiny babe.”

"I don’t understand?! Was he-- was he sickly?? He was always very cold when we were little, was he, was he in a danger of dying…?”

 

And all these years, I’ve been so insensitive about it in my ignorance!, Thor thought, more ashamed of himself than when he failed to pick his Mjolnir up.

 

"Son. You must listen carefully now, and cast aside what you thought you knew. But remember this: Loki is your little brother. Always. No matter what.”

 

"Yes, he is, I know that, Mother, that is why I--”

 

Brother killer , the thought came, unbidden, to the god of thunder. I killed my little brother, no, I did not, but, did I, partly… cause his sudden death…?!

 

"Listen! Be quiet and listen, for once in your life. Please. Why can the men in this family – why can my beloved, foolish men - never listen to a single word of truth?!”

 

So listen he did, since Mother ordered so.

 

"I never carried Loki in my womb. He is a Jotun, born on Jotunheim. And he is your brother.”

 

Thor gasped.

 

So, he didn’t kill Loki! Loki had trouble accepting his own birth, and that was why…?!

 

*******************

had trouble? And why would that be? No involvement, huh? Hmmm???

 

Thor shivered. Long forgotten memory coming to the forefront of his mind.

 

When I’m king

 

When I’m king

 

When I’m king

 

when I’m the king,

 

I

 

will

 

kill

 

all

 

the

 

monsters

 

just like

 

you did,

 

Father

 

i will kill all the monsters

 

i will kill all the monsters

 no that was not what he had said he had said he had actually said

when i’m king, i will slay all the monsters

 to slay all the Frost Giants

all the Jotuns

what is this newfound love for the Jotunns, Brother...?

 

ah

 

he

 

no!!!

 

He had brought thoughts of death to his innocent, impressionable, quiet, full of humour, and various little lies, but full of honest affection and sensivity and devotion, fidelity, loyalty, full of all that, his Loki... his little brother, his little Brother who all his life basked in Mother's Love, in Father's Love, and in Thor's great Love for him, and now, now he--- surely he thought---no---!!

 

No, that is not so, that cannot be true---!! Loki, Loki, did you think....?!

**************************

 

„I’ve forgotten...” Thor whispered, slowly, „I’ve forgotten, Mother, I’ve forgotten. Loki… did he not forget…? And that is why…?”

 

„What are you saying?”

 

„Mother, I won’t be at tomorrow’s funeral! I have no right! And- and – surely Loki is in Valhalla now, and from there, he-- he does not want me to attend his funeral!”

 

---------

nor shall we mourn but rejoice

but I cannot

for some of his blood is on my hands

Loki's blood

therefore, I cannot in justice attend my beloved little brother's funeral.

 

"Father, I shan't attend tomorrow. I cannot."

"Why?"

"I cannot," Thor just repeated, shaking his head. "I cannot. Someday, I will think how to form the words that would show you my blame, right now, as of now, I am unable to do so. Someday, I will be able to ask you to mete out a just punishment to me, Father, whether it be prison or banishment."

"Do not say so. You hath already been punished--"

"Not for this, Father! Not for this. Never yet for this."

"You speak from grief only."

"No, I do not. I speak from understanding. I understand now, what killed Loki. Someday, I will be ready to tell. And then, ask for a just punishment for my part."

Odin shook his head.

"That is but your grief speaking. I understand."

"No, father, you do not know what I had done to your youngest. Someday, I shall... someday, I shall be ready to say. And - ah -father - I do not think you are to blame. You have not told Loki of his birth, but it is I who--failed to say-- failed to love--"

"I shan't hear this nonsense. You loved your brother, ask anyone with eyes to see."

Thor shook his head, wishing he was able to explain. However, that was not to be, not today. Too much, just too much. And-- what would the Allfather say - upon learning that both his sons-- that one of the reasons Loki died was because Thor... because Thor misunderstood--

Wise king never seeks war, father had warned. Maybe, in his own way, he was telling Thor not to hate the Frost Giants? Not to hate Loki's blood... And Loki, because he felt his blood and flesh was loathed, he must hath suddenly for the first time in his life felt he was surely loathed, now that he knew, and when Thor would know, and so, he did-- what he had done. Because Loki, Loki was always so strong, but so fragile, like glass, surely he couldn't bear - he misunderstood-- No, no, Thor himself was also the one who misunderstood, and with his baseless words, he must have, years later upon the sudden discovery, struck the very core of Loki's soul, just as Loki tried to do to Thor himself-- yet Thor still lived, and Loki, he...

The little boy who always snuck into Thor's bed in summers, complaining that he's going to burn and so he must be here because Thor won't let him burn, and affectionately threatening to stab Thor a bit if Thor lets him burn; that boy, that teenager, that man, was gone now. Where Thor could not follow.

With this, Thor turned away. Turned to go. He was not so heartless as to tell Father right now. Or was he just -- a coward, failing to inform the Allfather of the truth?

*********

You killed yourself. And I killed you. Yes, there were two murderers there, but you were just following my lead, so, you're forgiven. I--I cannot be forgiven. Will you ever forgive me, somewhere out there in Valhalla, Loki? Say...

I cannot even rejoice.  Never. Therefore... I am---