When I first met you, I didn't expected to fall in love with you. It was mainly beacause my love life wasn't exactly the best. My first crush on a guy caused nothing, but pain for me. Destroyed thin line of trust between me and Sakura.
Sakura was my best friend, you know? Life at that time was pretty ironic, since we both were falling in love with the same person. When I heard who she romantically likes, I felt like something inside me died. Of course during that time I was having a big crush on this guy, but I didn't wanted to destroy my friendship. However Sakura declared something unexpected the same day when I learned about her feelings.
I was left speechless at how determined she sounded at that time. Her determination in crushing on Sasuke was something I admired, but at the same I felt a root of a deep fear about the strength of my own feelings towards him.
I think that fear resulted in our broken friendship afterwards.
It was the first time when I experienced having a love rival, although I didn't feel happy with that sort of rivalization. The only difference between us was that I moved on from that crush. Sakura still was blind in love with him. Her love towards Sasuke made me question my feelings even more.
If I really loved Sasuke, why I moved on from him without any problems so fast?
Ironic, isn't it? Now Sakura is telling me to move on, but I can't. At least not now. Look how strong you played with my feelings and my mind. Sometimes I can't help, but think I went crazy. However love is often crazy, right?
"You are like a disappearing flower, strong, but weak, beautiful, but also dangerous." I still can remember those words, Sai. You said them with your usual fake smile. At that time I was thinking that you were talking about me.
Those were your words when you wanted to paint me. However, I didn't know that they described you better than me. Embarrassed by your proposition, I didn't pay too much attention to it. Now I know that I should understand you better. I agreed to be the model for your art piece and it was my first mistake.
I started to falling in love with you, although something in the back of my mind was screaming that something was wrong. I should listen to that inner voice, but I ignored it completely.
That was my second mistake.
I never should fall in love with you, but I couldn't help in developing these feelings for you. You painted me with many colours that I would never know without your presence. Of course I would start to being in love with you!
It's not like you didn't knew it, right? And still you were telling me:
"I love you, Ino."
Knowing that those sugar-coated words will be later the source of my pain. If I would meet you right now, I wouldn't be able to tell you about all of my suffering caused by you.
That is how much my love for you broke me completely. I was in many relationships, which I would call 'love', but right now I know it wasn't a real love. I started to grasp what exactly 'love' is after meeting you. If it was what Sakura was feeling for Sasuke, then now I know why she was sticking to him like a glue, even when he was hurting her feelings. I wouldn't now let you go either and tried to appreciate every minute, which I was spending with you.
That's how you broke me and turned into a soulless doll.
It's too late thinking about that, isn't it? I'm now just a broken doll. Doll who pretends listening to her friends words:
"Try to move on."
I really tried, but no matter what I do, I just simply can't stop thinking about you. It went to the point where I can't focus on my former dreams and goals. Now I can only dream about you. It is really frustrating, you know? My past self would laugh at my current, pathetic state.
I was always a very confident person, but right now I feel insecure. It went into the direction where I sometimes start to hate my love for you.
My feelings are one big contradiction. I'm just sure that no matter what you do or did, I still love you.
I now decide to close my eyes. I can see every moment, which we together shared with each other. Happy, sad and a lot of others moments from the past are starting to cloud my vision. It is the only way for me to see yours pale skin, dark eyes, black hair and smile again, although another details aren't that visible to me anymore
I'm now just like the vanishing flower, just like you were the first time we met. Please wait for me, or should I be waiting for you?
I love you, Sai.
Please don't leave me again. I'm going to meet you last time and vanish like a flower until I can't express my love for you again.