Title: Another brick in the wall
Characters: Alexandra Cabot; Rafael Barba; Dominic Carisi; Elliot Stabler; Peter Stone; John Munch; Olivia Benson; Amanda Rollins; Odafin Tutuola
Pairings: Dominic Carisi/Amanda Rollins
Prompt: 220. A fate worse than death.
Warnings: Spoilers up to season 20.
- Hello – Adele (Alexandra Cabot)
She had done the right thing.
She was lucky to have gotten away with her life, even though she wouldn’t have said that having her heart still beating could constitute as life in itself.
She had devoted herself to that place, she had lost years of her life trying to seek for a justice that always had a bitter taste, trying to avenge the wrongs done to women and children, to all those seemingly too weak to defend themselves. She had always tried to be their strength.
Now, somehow, it felt like she had lost, like she hadn't been able to find that strength for herself.
She was forced to run away, toward a fate worse than death in her opinion.
Alexandra Cabot, actually, had died that night.
- Amaranth – Nightwish (Rafael Barba)
He could still see Drew.
Whenever he closed his eyes, whenever his mind was left alone too long without knowing what to do with himself. In his sleep, his face haunted him like a ghost.
The Rafael Barba of a few years before would’ve never done; he wouldn’t have meddled in that atrocious battle, he wouldn’t have taken upon himself the right to pull the plug on an infant, never in a million years.
Had the circumstances been different, he knew Liv would’ve laughed about him, telling him he had gone soft.
He didn’t have to turn himself into a murderer, no matter how righteous the cause, but this new version of him seemed to have deemed that the right choice.
Had he made a different choice, Drew would’ve still haunted him for different reasons.
Rafael would much rather lose sleep at night knowing he hadn't condemned an innocent child to a fate worse than death.
- Another love – Tom Odell (Dominic Carisi)
Maybe he’s just too used to his sister needing him. Too used to taking care of people, too used to be the saint patron of lost causes.
Carisi’s always been like that: he sees troubles and dives right in head first, no matter how bad he’s going to get hurt himself.
It’s always better to be hurt by other people’s issues than risking having of his own.
He’s told himself Amanda is the same for years now; so troubled, so indecisive, so impulsive; he’s told himself she needed him to take care of her, and so he had done.
He didn’t think it would’ve ended up being something more for him; he didn’t even want to admit it to yourself, but there it was.
It was a faith worse than death, falling in love with his best friend, knowing she didn’t even see him.
But that – he was used to that too.
- Waterloo – ABBA (Elliot Stabler)
Everything had always felt like a struggle to him.
His whole life; his family, his job.
He needed to struggle to keep his marriage standing, fight to keep his children from harm. Struggle to see all he saw every day at work and leave it there, without taking it back home with him.
He had always thought he could’ve been stronger than that, that he wouldn’t ever need help from anybody, and he had been wrong.
Now, as a sixteen-years-old girl’s blood still stained his hands, Elliot knew that what was waiting for him was a fate worse than death.
He might’ve been able to keep his family, now that the monsters were going to go away.
The struggle against his job, that had been lost even before it had started.
- Taboo – KAT-TUN (Peter Stone)
He was sure his guilt was going to eat him up alive. He had been sure of that when he had left, turning his back on his father and his sister as if he didn’t even belong to the family.
What he had hoped, getting back to the City, was that he could’ve had at least some time to atone for his sins.
Peter drank another shot and then another one, but he knew already it was useless.
Pamela was there, accompanying his every step, just watching him. She didn’t say a thing, but Peter knew that in death she recognized him at least, and the judgement in her eyes was enough to prove that.
So now he tried to choke her presence down, but nothing ever seemed to be enough. Nor the alcohol, nor the sleepless nights, nor the bodies of women whose name he never remembered.
This was his atonement, at least: suffering a fate much worse than death, left alone with his remorse.
He had always believed in justice, after all.
- The clock ticks on – Blackmore’s Night (John Munch)
He never gets too involved, and for a good reason.
They have a horrible job, and he knows that. Homicide deals with dead people all day, and dead people can't form bonds. Everything was different.
Sarah Logan was breathing, the first time he had met her. She was crying and shivering, and it had taken him a long while to get her to calm down and talk.
And talk they had, for a long time. For the whole investigation and later on, and even though John knew he shouldn’t have, he had let her case get to him.
Now that she was dead, he realized how bad his mistake had been.
His heart was racing and screaming for revenge, but it didn’t matter. He put on his best mask of professionalism and chased after who had done that to her.
He only hoped that when he was going to catch them – because he was going to – there was going to be a fate worse than death waiting for them.
- Dear Mr. president – Pink (Olivia Benson)
She was never going to bend. She needed to keep thinking straight, needed to do her job, needed to...
She had told countless women that they had to acknowledge themselves as victims in order to start healing. That they needed to scream and cry and kick stuff if needed be, or they would’ve been left alone with that feeling of uneasiness through all of their lives, facing a fate worse than death.
She knew she wasn’t going to do that, she just couldn’t. If she was going to make it out alive, she would’ve put on a brave face and back to work, to keep lying to those women, telling them there was a way, and that it wasn’t revenge.
Olivia wasn’t a victim. She was a fighter.
And as she told herself that this wasn’t the right way, she kept hitting William Lewis’ already dead body again and again, and like that she stared to heal.
- Daite senorita – Yamashita Tomohisa (Amanda Rollins)
She was a reasonable person.
She had learnt to live with how unreasonable her mother was when it came to the way of treating her daughters, she had come to terms with the way it had gone down back in Atlanta, after years spent thinking that hers was a fate worse than death; she had settled for keeping her mind off unpleasant things, trying to find her balance.
Amanda wasn’t one to think too much about stuff; she acted first and asked later, and that had always gotten her in troubles. But she had changed throughout the years, she had turned herself into someone more level-headed, because she had needed that to survive.
When she got back to her apartment and found it completely empty, she screamed at the top of her lungs, cursing Kim, and to hell with balance.
- No angels – Bastille (Odafin Tutuola)
Fin’s life had been messy from the beginning.
He hadn't had it as easy as many of the people he knew, but he had definitely caught more than one break, which had led him down one of the two possible paths; because some became cops, some ended up in the morgue way ahead of their time.
From time to time, he wishes he could’ve raised Ken, teach him to choose to do the right thing, that he didn’t have to go down the easy way, because it never was as easy as it looked from the outside.
In hindrance, he had been incredibly lucky with how his son had turned out to be. Escaping a fate worse than death, making something of himself with help from nobody, becoming perhaps a better man he would’ve been if Fin had stuck around.
And as he held his grand-son in his arms, Fin couldn’t help feeling blessed for just how good the path he had chosen had turned out.
- Someday for somebody – Kamenashi Kazuya (Rafael Barba)
Let them say whatever they wanted about him.
He liked the game, the harder it got the better. He liked to twist it and to hide it until the right time, until he was sure he was going to get what he wanted.
That’s why Liv had learnt to thrust him, he guessed. She went to him with impossible cases and he did his best to win them.
At first he used to tell himself it was about the challenge, but in time he had found he just couldn’t stand to look at those people getting crushed by the situations they had been dragged in.
Leaving them alone, telling them nothing could be done, would’ve been a fate worse than death. Olivia had taught him that, when he had become willing enough to listen.
They made a good team, her and him. A winning one, indeed.