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I wish

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Mama gave me this for my birthday. She said it’s for my private thoughts and feelings. I shan’t show it to Arthur, not even if he begs.


Audrey let me help make the bread today. She kneaded it for me, but I did everything else! Mama scolded me after, she said I shouldn’t have used the oven without a grown-up. Audrey’s plenty grown-up! Arthur laughed after Mama left. I said he couldn’t have any of the bread.


Gwen is being insufferable. I learnt that word today. Ms Higgins taught it to us. All Gwen does is talk about Lancelot. Lancelot this, Lancelot that. I don’t like Lancelot anymore. He’s taking Gwen away.


Father’s back from his trip to America. He didn’t say hello to us, he just went straight to his study and stayed there. Mama said that he is very busy and we mustn’t bother him. I do hope he brought back presents.


There aren’t any presents. Not for me. Or Arthur. Mama got a necklace. It’s all red and glinty. Mama says they are rubies. When I’m older, I’ll have rubies.


One of the big boys got angry at Merlin and called him a bastard. I asked Mama what a bastard was, but she wouldn’t tell me. Perhaps Audrey knows.


I put this journal down the back of the cupboard as a hiding place. But I forgot I put it there. I’m glad I found it, not Arthur. He would tease me. He’s been very mean. Mama said he’s going through a stage.


Gwen told me a secret today. She said that she wanted to marry Lancelot when she was older. I can’t imagine marrying one of the boys I know. Perhaps I shall never get married. I’ll make a fortune and travel the world instead.


Arthur hid my favourite book. I was very cross and I hit him. Father saw, and I had to go to bed without supper. Arthur still hasn’t given my book back.


Mama was very sick today. She had to go to bed. I asked Audrey why, and she said that Mama has a baby in her tummy. I asked her how it got there, and Audrey went very red and told me not to ask questions. Why wouldn’t she tell me, I wonder.


Arthur said Father put the baby there. How did he do that? Gwen didn’t know either.


At school today, Arthur called Gwen names. I was very upset with him, but Gwen was crying so I couldn’t hit him. Merlin did instead. Arthur has a bruise now. He told Father it was from a ball.


It snowed today, and we were allowed to leave school early. Mama said that Ms Higgins was worried it would storm.


I’ve been very busy, making presents for everyone. Mama said that presents mean more if they come from the heart. I hope Arthur likes his socks.


Audrey and I made gingerbread today. I got to choose the shapes. I chose a tree and a star. We decorated them with raisins, too. Mama said I could only have one to eat. Arthur snuck two, I saw him.


Nobody will tell me what they got me for Christmas, not even Arthur and he can’t keep a secret for anything. Surprises are stupid. I’m not telling Arthur what his present is.


The Christmas Tree is very pretty. It’s covered in candles and glass ornaments that twinkle. I accidentally broke one of them, but I said Arthur did it. Father hit him on the back of the head.


Arthur and I went to visit Gaius and Arthur threw a snowball at me. He laughed, but then I put snow down his back. Gaius said he would come see us on Christmas day.


Today was very busy. Grandmama and Grandpapa arrived just after breakfast. Uncle Agravaine came just a little bit later. I don’t like Uncle Agravaine very much. I heard Audrey say that he was sneaky. I like Uncle Tristan much better, but he won’t be here until late at night. He’s visiting someone. Last year he promised he would take me riding. I’m holding him to it.


It is very late. I can’t sleep. Uncle Tristan told me not to worry, but he looked very worried. I woke up and Mama was screaming. The Doctor came. The house is very quiet.


Uncle Agravaine said Mama doesn’t have a baby anymore. That was why she was screaming last night, and why the Doctor had to come. Uncle Tristan said Mama is very sad and that Arthur and I mustn’t disturb her. I don’t think it’s a very merry Christmas.


Audrey told me to make a wish and it will come true next year. I can’t tell anyone what I wished, otherwise it won’t come true.


Uncle Tristan has to leave today. I wish he wasn’t. I wish it was Uncle Agravaine instead. I still don’t like him. He lurks about the house.


The Lurker has finally left. Mama is still in bed, but Arthur and I have been allowed to visit. Father is even crosser than ever. I have taken to avoiding him.


Arthur has been very unpleasant lately. He always snaps at me, and he’s rude to Audrey. It’s very mean of him.


I saw Arthur crying today. I didn’t know what to do, so I left him there. He doesn’t cry. Nothing is right.


Mama had finally been allowed up! The Doctor said she couldn’t do anything ‘strenuous’ (Note: Ask Audrey what strenuous means) but that she could leave bed. I’m glad.


Today was Saint Valentine’s day. Lancelot gave Gwen a bracelet. I thought it was ridiculous, and said as much. Arthur said I was jealous. I am not. I don’t want any silly gifts from any silly boys.


I am not jealous.


Ms Higgins is leaving at the end of the term. I should be sad. Gwen is. But I’m not. I just don’t particularly care. I don’t think I’ll miss her, either. I do want to know who the new teacher is, however.


Father is going away again. Not to America this time, but to India. I had to get the library we keep in the library down and look where India was. It looks so very far away, and sounds so exotic. When I’m older, I’ll go to India. Maybe Father will bring Mama more rubies.


I finally found the book that Arthur hid. He put behind the manger in the barn. He knows I don’t go in there often. We were playing in there because Merlin wanted to, and Gwen saw the corner poking out.


I miss the snow. Now the weather is just cold, and very windy. A tree blew down today. It was blocking the road, and Tom was called to move it.


My wish has come true. Mama is happy again.