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Escaping Denial

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“It was Erza who she loved, but…”

For a long time, Mirajane deluded herself into thinking that it wasn’t Erza who she loved. She dated many girls, Cana, Lucy, Jenny, Levy and others, and each was wonderful and beautiful and not made for Mira. She never loved any of them. Objectively, they were amazing people, objectively they were beautiful, objectively, they should be all that Mira wanted.

But they weren’t.

And eventually, she couldn’t deny it anymore. Yes, she liked Cana’s attitude, but no she didn’t love her. Yes, she liked Lucy’s charm and charisma, but no she didn’t love her. Yes, she liked Jenny’s determination, but no she didn’t love her. She didn’t love any of them. And it was tearing her apart just as much as it did with them. Because they had all given themselves completely to Mira, for her to love and cherish, but she just couldn’t. She had hurt many people through her stubbornness, and it ate her up.

Because she didn’t love Cana, she loved Erza. She didn’t love Lucy, she loved Erza. She didn’t love Jenny, she loved Erza. She didn’t love Levy, she loved Queen of the fairies, Titania, cake lover, one woman army, she loved Erza.

And goodness knows why she couldn’t accept it, Erza had even asked her out once, and she turned her down.

She had torn each other the guild’s beautiful women to shreds through her inability to be kind and honest. She had torn down her own heart in favour of building up false hope. She had given away the one she loved. And now that she realised and accepted it, it hurt.

It had been Erza all along.

Since the day she had protected her from the bullies, to when she protected her in the midst of a storm, to every other time that Erza had been a part of her life, every time she fell in love with her all over again.

It was Erza.

It had always been Erza.

It was still Erza.

But now, she didn’t deserve her. Not after all the hearts she had used as crutches to come to the realisation that she had refused to see.

She loved Erza’s attitude.

She loved Erza’s charm.

She loved Erza’s determination.

She loves Erza.

But for the first time in forever, the once s-class mage was too scared to do anything about it.

It was Erza who she loved. But the realisation came too late, and she didn’t know if Erza would wait for her any longer.