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Destruction of Government Property, Fast and Furious version

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Brian woke up to a warm, wet sensation on his neck, slowly blinking his eyes open to see his husband, Dom leaning over him.


“Good morning, gorgeous.” Dom rumbled, his voice still thick with sleep, despite being awake first. “How’d you sleep?”


“Pretty good.” Brian yawned. “Had an amazing night, and an even better wake up call.” He grinned, leaning up to kiss Dom.


“Good.” Dom growled, returning the kiss before trailing kisses down Brians neck to resume licking, biting, and sucking at the skin right under his jaw.


“Dom! Stop, I have to get ready for work soon.” Brian tried, unsuccessfully to push Dom away.


“So? Soon ain’t now so we have a few minutes. Besides, you’ve told me about that Stasiak creep, I don’t want him getting any ideas. What better deterrent than to mark you up a bit?” Dom smirked, biting down again.


“Well the ring works as a pretty good deterrent and so does the broken nose I gave him last time he tried something.” Brian finally managed to push Dom off of him so he could get dressed. “I love you, I’ll see you when I get back.”


“Just make sure you come back. You know I don’t like when you’re gone for long missions.” Dom would never admit he was pouting as he watched Brian walk out the door.


*time skip, one week*


“Hey babe, I’m back!” Brian called out, walking in holding a few envelopes. “I grabbed the mail, by the way.”


“Welcome back. How’d it go?” Dom asked, walking over to kiss his temple and grab the mail.


“Pretty normal. Classified, but safer than my usual work.” Brian said.


Dom flipped through the mail, sorting it into the usual four piles; Brians mail, Mias mail, his own mail, and bills. He picked up the letter addressed to him, looking at it curiously. “Any idea why I’m getting mail from the FBI?”


“No. What? No.” Brian looked surprised, snatching the envelope from his husband and inspecting it, looking for anything that would verify whether or not it was actually from the FBI. “Open it and find out I guess.” Brian handed it back, sitting down at the table to start reading his own mail.


Dom sat next to Brian and opened the letter, reading it silently, once, twice, and a third time just to make sure of what he was reading before…”Are you fucking kidding me? THAT’S what this is about?”


“What did they want? They probably could’ve just told me instead of mailing it.” Brian said, looking up, eyeing the letter.


“Remember the morning when you left? Your ‘wake up call’?” Dom inquired, the air quotes heavily implied.


“Yea. What about it?” Brians asked,no longer distracted by the mail, but by the report he was supposed to be writing for his most recent case.


“Guess your boss didn’t like me marking you up. Read this shit.” Dom answered, sliding the letter over to Brian.


To Mr. Dominic Toretto,


We have noticed with increasing frequency the damage you have done to government property, in the form of visible bruising. As a government agency, we require that our agents be in top form and appearance at all times. As such this repeated damage will not be tolerated. Any further instances will be taken as lack of compliance and you will be incarcerated for failure to comply.


Thank you for your cooperation in this matter,


  • Arthur Penning, FBI Divisional Director, Los Angeles



“Are you kidding? This...has got to be a joke!” Brian was pissed. “I work for them but I’m not government property damnit!”


“What...did we walk in on?” Mia asked, walking in carrying a bag of groceries, Vince behind her with another bag.


“The Feds are pissed because I left a hickey on their ‘property’ when Brian left for his most recent assignment.” Dom deadpanned, holding up the letter.


Vince and Mia read the letter and Vince immediately busted up laughing. Mia at least had the decency to try and hide her laughter, albeit ineffectively.


“Good job, Buster. How ya gonna get out of this one, Dom?” Vince asked, as his laughter died down.


“He’s not. They wanna treat me like property? I’ll turn in my resignation before I let them arrest Dom over something so stupid.” Brian snarled.


Mia looked at the piles of mail on the table as she listened to the boys talk.


“Hey, Bri? You have some mail from the FBI too.” She pointed out, holding up the letter.


Brian grabbed it, tearing it open and reading it quickly. “That asshole!” Brian laughed as he finished reading. “Here, read this.”


Mia took the letter from Brian, reading aloud, “ To Agent Brian O’Conner-Toretto, Due to the most recent office prank war, initiated by you, I’ve decided it’s about time someone puts you in your place, so to speak. By the time you receive this letter, your husband will have received a letter warning him off leaving any kind of marks on you, as it would be considered ‘harming government property’. Rest assured, he cannot be arrested, nor charged with harming government property for such actions. May this be a lesson to you the next time you want to replace the sugar in the break room with salt. See you at the office on your next scheduled day, Arthur Penning, FBI Division Director, Los Angeles”


They all stood in silence for a solid minute before they all cracked up, Mia and Vince doubling over in their laughter, while Brian collapsed back into his chair and Dom leaned on the back of Brians chair for support.


“Ok so they got me good. Maybe I shouldn’t mess with the coffee next time. Who knows what Penning will do next time.” Brian said, breathlessly.


“No clue what he’ll do, but if I won’t be arrested after all, then I know what I wanna do.” Dom growled, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.


“Ugh! DOM!” “Get a room, man!” Mia and Vince shouted together.


“Not a bad idea.” Dom grinned, dragging Brian out of his chair and upstairs. “Don’t wait up for us!” Dom called out, before shutting the door and thankfully, to the other residents of the house, muffling any noise from their room.