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A Work Of Fan Fiction In Which Everyone Has Undergone A Change Of Gender; Containing Between Three And Seven Examples Of Rampant Multiculturalism And Two Instances Of Uncharacteristically Sensible Behavior So As To Make This A Useful Parable

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It Was A Tenebrous And Tempestuous Night

Insofar As Such Terms Still Applied

Which Was Not Very Far Since Everyone Concerned Was Located On An Asteroid Spinning Through The Velvet Darkness Of Space Which Knows No Weather And No Temporal Divides

But The Point Is

No One Was Somnolent In The Horn Pile

And In The Lab Tempers If Not Tempests Were Rising

One Turquoise Blooded Troll Leaned Close To His Monitor To Get A Better Taste Of The Purportedly Quite Piquant Shade Of The Text Forming On His Screen One Undercapitalized Line At A Time

While The Choleric Young Lady Several Computers Down Fumed In A Manner That Could Not Be Called Subtle By Even The Most Generous Of Observers

And Their Mutual Friends Observed But Were Helpless To Intervene

Aware That Any Well Intended Advice Would Only Be Interpreted As Meddling By The Twain

As A Consequence Of Their Collective Singularly Orneriness And Also Of Their Blindness To How Easily Their Frustration Could Be Resolved By Ameliorated Communication

Their Figurative Blindness That Is

The Sightlessness Of Schmerezi Schmyrope Though Occasionally The Source Of Many Wracked Nerves For The Object Of His Erstwhile Affection Was Immaterial In This Instance

But I Digress

Our Heroine Scrutinized The Preoccupied Schmyrope In Irate Silence

Her Absolute And Enraged Concentration Broken Only When She Was Now And Again Compelled To Attend To Her Chat Client By The Missives Of A Certain Narcoleptic Individual In A Universe Far Far Away

Who Having At Last Woken From His Most Recent And Terrible Nap

Was Proving Diverting To Her Admittedly Questionable Tastes For The First Time


Not Diverting Enough

For Her Infatuation With Schmyrope Went Back Sweeps

And Her Affection For Schmade Was But An Hours Fancy

Most Of Which Hour She Had Spent Dreaming Of

The Ultimate Betrayal

The Ensuing Emotional Turmoil Left Little Room For The Establishment Of New Interests


Instead She Found Herself Thinking More And More Of Schmyrope And Of The Comfort His Lithe Upper Limbs Might Provide

Of The Febrile Warmth Of His Exhalations On The Hypersensitive Tips Of Her Shapely And Curvaceous Auditory Organs

And Even Of

The Slick Mucous Membrane Sheathing His Muscular Tongue

Whose Onslaught Had So Often Earned Her Fury By Night

But Whose Liquid Slide Haunted Her Dreams By Day

And Not Just Because They Were On The Same Moon Either And Her Dream Self Was Every Bit As Vulnerable As Her Waking Body To The Peculiar Outpourings Of Affection And Of Course Teal-Tinged Spittle Schmyrope Delighted In

No These Dreams Were Of Another Kind

Discrete From The Second Life Lived And Just Now Died In A Golden City

They Unfolded In The Umbrageous Space Between True Slumber And The Minds Stirring

In A Torrent Of Inchoate Imagery And Unconsidered Response

Even As The Architect Of Our Session Married Modern Technology And Antediluvian Ciphers Excavated From The Dark Depths Of The Planets Innermost Eggsac

In One Seamless Undertaking

So These Visions From Past The Border Of Consciousness Constructed A Continuous Narrative

Out Of Memory And Long Inhumed Yearnings

And Though Schmarkat Had Thought Her Secret Desires More Well Defended Than The Most Creatively Boobytrapped Tomb

They Bobbed Now At The Very Surface Of Her Awareness

There For The Plucking For Any Member Of The Not Inconsiderable Psychic Population

And More Importantly

Readable In The Motion And Brilliance Of Her Gaze

Those Were Her Fears Anyway

To Compensate She Worked Herself Into A Frenzy

Reviewing Again And Again Every Perceived Wrong Schmyrope Had Done Her

Revisiting Each Moment He Had Shared Gleefully With The Human Coolkid

And Denied Her

Culminating In The Current Parley

From Which He Could Be Seen To Be Deriving Tangible Delight

His Fangs Gleaming Red In The Light Of The Rivals Shamelessly Rubescent Font Color

His Scorched And Opaque Eyes Showing Naked Over His Glasses

Which Had Slipped Forward Along The Bridge Of His Nose When He In His Eagerness Tilted His Chair Onto Its Front Two Legs So He Could Bring His Flaring Nostrils Down To The Viewport

His Hand An Adroit Blur Over The Tablet Hed Acquired Somewhere

Chalk Firmly Grasped Between Thumb And Lissome Forefinger

And Rolled Along The Ball Of The Thumb

In A Way Which Struck Schmarkat As Frankly Obscene

But It Was When Schmerezi Detached His Quivering Proboscis From The Screen And Bent To Lick The Tapered End Of The Chalk

Saliva Darkening And Purpling The Powdered Sides

Dust In Turn Rising To Coat The Needlelike Points Of His Flawless Dentition With Rust

His Face Not Once Revolving Toward Schmarkat

That She Surrendered All Illusion Of Control

Dismounting With An Undignified Squeak From Her Seat

And Striding Across Tile To His Side

She Snarled His Name

Her Head Appearing Almost To Be Fluorescing In The Heat Of Her Vehemence Like A Rainbow Drinker Of Old Come Down To Annihilate Its Prey

In That Moment She Was Magnificent Although She Would Not Have Believed It If Informed

For Though The Cause Of Her Rage Was Petty Her Rage Was Not

Elevated To A Pitch Wholly Disproportionate To Its Source

It Derived A Vitality All Its Own From The Fuel Of Her Jealousy

Which Appropriately Enough Could Have Been Matched Only By Her Past Selfs Ardor

All Of This Goes Some Ways Towards Explicating Why When He Looked Up Schmerezi Was Struck Temporarily And Profoundly Dumb

As If A Sweep Ago A Former Associate Of His Had Burned Away Not Eyes But Tongue

Though This Was Of Course Disproved A Moment Later When He Pointedly Sniffed Her Outstretched Remonstrative Arm And Gave An Appreciative Grin

Before Extending The Same Member To Brush The Knuckles Of Her Clenched Fist

Which She Had Unwisely Planted Atop His Forgotten Tablet To Forestall Further Attempts At Multicultural Exchange

He Said To What Do I Owe The Pleasure

To Your Grubfisted Attempts At Engendering Totally Inappropriate Flushed Arrangements By Means Of Incredibly Shitty Image Manips Thats What She Blustered

Conscious Even As She Spoke That She Should Have Come Up With A Better Excuse For Her Approach Or Not Approached At All

Id Say My Attempts Have Been Quite Profitable He Remarked Raising His Eyebrows In A Manner That Left No Doubt About His Meaning

Yeah Fucking Right She Scoffed Let Me Guess The Coolgirl Finally Condescended To Caption One Of Your Awful Gifs And You Think Its A Proffered Bucket In Prose Form

Its Goddamned Pathetic Is What It Is You Scraping For A Glance From Her Hypocritically Concealed Orbs When Shes Just Some Soft Pink Primate With Shitty Taste In Ocular Accessories And Youre

What Inquired Schmerezi

What Said Schmarkat Derailed By This Interjection

What Am I Inquired Schmerezi

A Strange Look Crossing His Upturned Countenance

Youre Said Schmarkat

And Glaring At Him Wide Eyed

Found Herself Abruptly At A Loss For Any Adequate Insult

There Followed A Silence Such As Is Only Elsewhere Found In The Central Vascular System Of A Storm

A Silence In Which It Seemed There Was No Body In The Room Save For Them

As If The Question Schmerezi Had Asked And The Answer Schmarkat Was Preparing To Give Were Of Immeasurable Weight

And Had Accordingly Dragged Them Down Like An Anchor Through The Floor Of Prosaic Reality Into A Curious Underwater Realm

Where Time Slowed To A Trickle

And The Artificial Light Played Strangely Over Their Silvery Skin

And Though Not Actually Disappeared Or Dimensionally Displaced The Other Inhabitants Of The Room Seemed To Sense Also The Poundage Of The Present

And Schmriska Did Not Turn To Hiss Anything Derogatory To His Neighbor

And Schmollux Did Not Attempt To Restrain Her Friend


In That Crystalline Quiet

Schmarkat Threw Up Her Hands

Having Given Up All Hope Of Locating The Correct Denigratory Adjective

Seized Schmerezi By The Front Of His Tshirt

Shook Him Until His Glasses Were Hanging Askew

And Kissed Him Soundly

If Schmerezi Had Had His Cane In Reach It Would No Doubt Have Gone Differently

But As It Was He Stiffened Only For The Space Of A Heartbeat Before Raising His Fingers To Cup The Back Of Her Skull

And Opening His Mouth

The Better To Explore The Dull Terrain Of Her Teeth He Would Claim Later

But Also

Evidently To Anyone With Eyes Or A Sharp Enough Olfactory Equivalent

Because He Wanted To Taste As Much Of Her Inside As He Could

She Drew Back At Last Wiping Her Lips Her Cheeks Glowing Like The Sun Through A Glass Of Claret Which Is The Human Name For Fermented Grape Viscera

Both Trolls Were Breathing Heavily


Ms Vantas

Ejaculated Schmerezi

And His Smile Was Lazy And Sly

Now Schmriska Piped Up At Last And Performance Platform Whispered Gooooooood Get A Pail

And Schmollux Contributed Yeah Thchmarkat Took You Long Enough

And Everyone Began Speaking At Once

But Schmarkat Turned To Their Unwanted Audience And Said


And Schmerezi Who Had Taken Advantage Of Schmarkat’s Brief Distraction To Rise To His Feet Added Lightly


Can It

And Taking Hold Of Schmarkat’s Elbow Steered Her To The Transportalizer Where

If One Was Watching Closely

One Might Have Gotten A Glimpse Of Two Hands Lacing Together

And Sliding Under The Waistband Of Schmerezis Shorts

Before The Pearlescent Flame Shot Up And They Were Moved

At Long Last

To Somewhere Private


The End