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Incorrect Fantastic Beasts Quotes

Chapter Text

Newt: *about Theseus* Yeah we didn't exactly get along as children


Kid Theseus: Hug!!!! :D :D :D

Kid Newt: Nooooo!!!!! *Runs away* 

Source: Me 


Newt: Never forget your first.

Tina: Your first what?

Newt: Occamy hatching

Tina: That is never what people mean by that

Source: B99


Queenie: Hey, Tina, are you free on Friday? Like, around 8 pm on Friday?

Tina: Yes?

Queenie: What about you, Newt?

Newt: Yes, I am.

Queenie: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!


Tina: Did she just-

Source: Tumblr 



I can see into your brain, and let me tell you, it is disturbing as he**


Queenie Goldstein to Gellert Grindelwald

How it should have gone

Source: Tumblr 



Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies.


Tina Goldstein, auror, frequent avoider of death

Source: Percy Jackson 


Newt: Ask me why I love you.

Tina: Why do you love me, Newt?

Newt: *pulls out 200 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

Source: Twitter 


Newt: Hey, you're bleeding out a lot and are going to need a blood transfusion. What's your blood type?

Jacob: B positive

Newt: I'm trying but you're bleeding a lot.

Source: Twitter


Every day is leg day when you're chasing after your runaway niffler



Newt Scamander

Source: Me 


Tina: Happy Thanksgiving, Newt!

Newt: ???


Tina: Oh! I forgot England doesn't have Thanksgiving. Let me explain...

Source: Me


-Modern setting-

Newt: Do you want a protein shake, bro?

Jacob: Nah, bro.

Newt: Why, bro?

Jacob: Because you're the only one who gives me strength, bro.

Newt: Bro

Source: Tumblr


Newt: In loving memory of Tina Goldstein.

Newt: She's not dead, I just love remembering her.

Source: Tumblr


-Goldstein Sisters on Tina's Mission Together-

Tina: We need a plan...How long can you hold your breath underwater?

Queenie: I don't know.

Tina: Are you familiar with the term "slam and cram"?

Queenie: No, and I don't think I want to be.

Tina: How attached are you to your pinky?

Queenie: Very, very attached, and before you ask another terrifyingly vague question, let me be clear- any plan that involves one of those scenarios isn't going to work for me.

Source: Agents of SHIELD


Tina: Newt and I do not have pet names for each other.

Queenie: I see...

Queenie: What do bees make?

Tina: ...Honey?

Newt, across the room: Yes, dear?

Queenie: Never lie to my face again.

Source: Unknown (Tumblr, as far as I know)


Queenie: I just discovered a new drug, too. It's called your relationship and I'm high on it.



Source: B99

Chapter Text

Tina: *takes down some bad guys* *circa Movie 4 or 5*

Newt: That’s my girlfriend, suckers!

Tina: Your wife, Newt.

Newt: My wife! Even better!

Source: Hotel Transylvania 2

Queenie: I just discovered a new drug. It’s called your relationship and I’m high on it.



Source: B99

Newt: I want that beast.

Tina: You want all beasts.

Source: Tumblr

Newt: Awkward sibling hug?

Theseus: Awkward sibling hug

Together as they hug: Pat pat

Source: Gravity Falls

Newt: So I heard you like bad boys.

Tina: Not really, no.

Newt: Oh, thank goodness.

Source: Meme

Tina: What are we gonna do?

Jacob: I don’t know. Maybe pizza?



Tina: About Grindelwald, Jacob.

Source: Friends

Tina: *to Newt* Would you like to stay for dinner?

Queenie: *in the background* Would you like to stay forever?

Source: Mulan

Tina: I’ve got a five-year plan.

Newt: Five years. Cool. I’ve got the next 2 ½ hours planned, and then there’s darkness...possibly dragons…

Source: first seen on incorrect-harry-potter-quotes on Tumblr; Gilmore Girls

Newt: I want to see my little boy!

Jacob: *holding one of Newt’s beasts* Here he comes!

Newt: I want to see my little boy!

Source: Vine

Mrs. Scamander: Theseus, please keep an eye on your brother today. He’s going to say something to the wrong person and get himself punched.

Theseus: Sure, I’d love to see Newt get punched.

Mrs. Scamander: Try again.

Theseus: I will stop Newt from getting punched.

Mrs. Scamander: Correct.

Source: B99

Newt: Alright, give me your hair dryer.

Leta: What?

Tina: What are you talking about?

Newt: Don’t you carry one in your purse?

Tina: Have you ever met a human woman?

Newt: *calls Queenie* Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?

Queenie: Of course. I’m not an animal.

Source: B99

- any social event ever-

Newt: Sorry I’m late.

Tina: What happened?

Newt: Nothing. I just really didn’t want to come.

Source: Big Bang Theory


Everyone get outta my way. I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.

Newt Scamander, at any given moment

Source: John Mulaney

Jacob: Were you a dragon kid?

Newt: I was a human kid.

Newt: Which is different than a dragon kid.

Newt: But as a human kid I was interested in dragons.

Source: Chris Pratt


Chapter Text

Newt: -sneaking a Thunderbird into the room with a smoothie in hand-

Tina: Whatcha got there?

Newt: A smoothie.

Source: iCarly


Tina: Did you tell anybody we're engaged?

Newt: Yes, Tina. I have no self-control and I told the hotdog vendor we're engaged.

Tina: Alright, no need to be sarcastic.

Newt: No, I mean I really have no self-control and I told the hotdog vendor we're engaged.

Source: That 70s Show


Newt: Nobody is perfect.

Tina: -walks by-

Newt: One person is perfect.

Source: Tumblr


Newt: Jacob, I need relationship advice.

Jacob: Just because I'm dating Queenie now doesn't mean I know how I did it!

Source: Tumblr


-Movie 1-

Tina: You cannot do this!

Newt: Not to worry, I have a permit.

Tina: This just says "I do what I want". 

Source: Parks and Rec 


Newt: I kissed Tina.

Jacob: Woah...

Jacob: I owe Queenie so much money.

Source: Regular Show


Jacob: You're not thinkin' about Tina, are you?

Newt: No, of course not.

Jacob: Good.

Newt: I wonder if she's not thinking about me, too...

Source: Little Rascals


Tina: -breathes-



Source: Tumblr 



The risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math

--Newt Scamander

Source: Meme


Newt: -points at animal- Demiguise.

Jacob: Allegedly.

Newt: Are you doubting an entire species' existence or just that one?

Jacob: Yes.

Source: Tumblr


Theseus: Shut up.

Newt: I didn't say-

Theseus: You were thinking. It's annoying.

Source: Sherlock


Newt: What's the stat, Jacob?

Jacob: It seems to be some sort of magical beast!

Newt: ...well, you're not wrong.

Source: The Avengers


Newt: This is Grindelwald we're talking about. He's the toughest there is.

Dumbledore: Well, he's never fought me.

Newt: Yeah, he has.

Dumbledore: He's never fought me twice.

Source: Avengers: Infinity War


Newt: The stars are beautiful tonight.

Tina: Yeah, they are.

Newt: You what else is beautiful?

Tina: -blushing- What?

Newt: Thunderbirds.

Tina: ...

Newt: That includes you, Tina. 

Tina: Oh. -blushes harder-

Source: Combination of Tumblr and Me


Chapter Text

Grindelwald: I'm going to kill you!

Newt: Wait, let me ask Tina. 

Grindelwald: That's not how-

Newt: She said no.

Source: Twitter 

 Jacob: -walks into room-

Newt: -softly singing “All I Want For Christmas Is You”-

Jacob: Oh, are you going to sing that to Tina?

Newt: No, I was singing it to my beasts.



Newt: Why? Should I sing it to Tina?

Source: Me 

Newt: So I’ve made the decision to trust you.

Niffler: A horrible decision, really.

Source: Tangled

 Queenie: Tina, remind me what we’re looking for?

Tina: Queenie, I’m looking for a mind at work!

Newt: -runs into Tina, stutters apologies, drops wand, papers fly-

Tina: ...that boy is mine.

Submitted by: @bb-ewok8 on Tumblr
Source: Hamilton

Tina: -on a mission when Newt calls-

Newt: Remember when you told me not to burn the flat down?

Tina: You burned down the flat?!

Newt: No! I had the fire put out immediately. This is a success story.

Source: B99

(not a quote)
Question: Would you guys like to see more original content? Or would you rather I didn’t and just stuck with the quotes from other media?
Send in an ask on Tumblr or comment below- let me know!!
(back to your regularly scheduled programming)

Queenie: Do you mind if I slyly mention you’re single?

Tina: Do not do that.

Queenie: You won’t even notice.

Newt: Hey, you needed to see me again?

Queenie: Tina’s single.

Source: B99

 Tina: I love you so much.

Newt: I love you, too.

Tina: This is real.

Newt: I know.

Tina: You’re my husband.

Newt: You’re my wife.

Tina: You married me in front of people.

Newt: I know. I was there.

Source: Parks and Rec

Newt: -about the niffler- I swear I left him right here.

Tina: Right here on the sidewalk or in that bank that’s being demolished?

Source: Thor: Ragnarok

Newt: -whispers- Marry me.

Tina: What?

Newt: Uh- I said bury me. -nervous laugh- This is awkward…

Source: Combo of Me and a Meme

Tina: Newt, how are you?

Newt: I’m totally fine, dear. I seem to do quite well for a stretch, and then at the end of a sentence, I say the wrong cranberry.

Source: Iron Man 3 (literally one of my favorite quotes out of the whole MCU. I love Jarvis)

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

--Newt Scamander

Source: John Mulaney


Newt: -grabs her hand- Now what?

Tina: Nothing. I just wanted to hold your hand.

Source: Unknown 

Tina: -under her breath- Future husband say what?

Newt: What?

Tina: -dying on the inside (in a good way, of course)- Nothing.

Source: Unknown

Chapter Text

I married my wife. I love saying “my wife,” it sounds so adult. “That’s my wife.” It’s great, you sound like a person.

Newt Scamander

Source: John Mulaney

-knock at the door-

Tina: You wanna get that?

Newt: And interact with people? No thanks.

Source: Good Luck Charlie

Jacob: This is a mistake.

Newt: A mistake we’re gonna laugh about one day.

Jacob: But not today.

Newt: Oh, no, today’s gonna be a mess.

Source: Superstore

Criminals: We have your son.

Tina: I don’t have a son?

Criminals: Then who just asked if he could pet our watchdog?

Tina: Dear God, you have Newt.

Source: Tumblr

Tina: It’s time for Plan B.

Newt: We have a Plan B?

Tina: No, but it’s time for one.

Source: Stargate

Newt: She was injured.

Tina: I wasn’t injured, I was lightly stabbed.

Newt: I’m sorry, you were stabbed?!

Tina: Lightly stabbed!

Source: B99

Toddler Scamander: Mama! Mama!

Newt: -working with animals-

Newt:-head pops up-

Newt: Did one of my children learn English??

Toddler: -continues- Mama! Where Dada?

Newt: -remembers his human child-

Newt: Oh! Oops.

Source: Me

Tina: You’re blocking the view.

Queenie: I am the view.

Source: Unknown (I can’t read my own handwriting)

Dumbledore: -to Newt and Jacob- I have total faith in you.

Dumbledore: There’s, like, a 30% chance they’ll both die.

Source: Parks and Rec

Being able to understand Newt’s handwriting is a gift. A useless, useless gift.

Tina Goldstein

Source: B99

Tina: I don’t hear anything.

Queenie: What’s the matter with that?

Tina: Newt, beasts, kids, and no noise. That’s what’s the matter with that. I’ve never heard such a loud silence.

Source: The Brady Bunch

Newt: Okay. Stay calm. Stay calm.

Tina: I am calm.

Newt: I’m talking to myself.

Source: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

My vibe is more like, “Hey, you could pour your soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you.”

Newt Scamander

Source: John Mulaney

Grindelwald: I have an army.

Newt: We have Dumbledore.

Source: The Avengers

Chapter Text

Newt: Even the babies are one of the most dangerous animals in the world, so I built this case to keep him secure so there is no possible way-

Baby Nundu: -escapes-

Newt: Oh my goodness.

Source: Vine 


Tina: Hi

Newt: Okay...

Source: Vine


Dumbledore: I thought I told you not to follow me, Mr. Scamander.

Theseus: Yes, well I took a lesson from Newt and decided not to follow orders.

Newt: Hey!

Source: Star Wars: Clone Wars


Jacob: I'll take of this, Newt. You go find your girlfriend. -runs off-

Newt: Right. -turns to leave-

Newt: -turns back- No, Jacob! She's not my-!

Source: Star Wars: Clone Wars


Newt: Happy Christmas!

Jacob: Merry Chris- wait, did you just say happy Christmas?

Newt: Did you just say Merry Christmas?

Jacob: That's not right! You Brits have it wrong.

Newt: No, we're normal. You Americans have it wrong.

Source: Me 


Tina: You got them a reasonable gift, right?

Newt: -slides box with holes in the lid away slowly- Yes. Of course. Obviously. 

Source: Me


Newt: Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and getting hit by a broomstick. 

Source: Unknown


Tina: I can't even. I don't know whether to laugh or yell.

Queenie: Don't limit yourself. Do both. 

Source: Trials of Apollo


Newt: -reveals withheld detail-

Tina: That's quite a detail.

Newt: I should've told you.

Tina: Um, yeah. Still...if I'm being honest? In your position, I might've done the same thing.

Newt: Dies that mean you're not mad?

Tina: I'm furious.

Newt: Oh.

Tina: Furious, but also empathetic.

Newt: Right.

-they smile awkwardly at each other-

Source: Trials of Apollo


Newt: Are we friends again? 

Jacob: No...


Jacob: ...we're brothers.

Newt: That was terrifying, don't pause like that!

Source: B99


Newt: In light of what you did for me, you can hug for four to five seconds.

Theseus: Forty-Five seconds!?

Newt: No! Four to Five!

Theseus: :D

Source: Modern Family


Newt: -does something cute-

Tina: I don't care.

Narrator: But Tina Goldstein did care.

Source: Arrested Development 


Newt: Tina? Do I have a thing for her? No way!


Newt: Why, did she say something?

Source: The Office


Theseus: I hope you're not going to do anything stupid.

Newt: I hope you're not hoping too hard.

Source: Tumblr


Chapter Text

Tina: That's for trying to murder the love of my life!

Newt: I'm the love of your life?

Tina: I don't know, I'm still mad at you! 

Source: Coco

Submitted by: @astale5 on Tumblr


Newt (Writing his will): There.

Tina (Reading it): I leave everything to my lovely wife Tina and my beasts.

Tina: What about your children?

Newt: It says here, all my beasts.

Tina: Your human children.

Newt: Oh. Yes, them. I definitely did not forget about them.

Source: Submitted by @daisybrown on Tumblr


Newt: Okay, yeah, I love Tina. I have loving feelings for Tina. But does that mean I'm in love with her? No-

Newt: Oh my goodness...I'm in love with Tina.

Newt, to Queenie and Jacob: Why didn't you guys tell me?

Jacob: We thought you knew!

Source: Friends 


Tina: Okay, if you've got any questions, just ask.

Newt: If a niffler and an occamy had a fight, who would win?

Tina: If you've got any relevant question, just ask.

Source: Misfits


Tina: I'm a little overwhelmed.

Newt: You're overwhelmed, Jacob was underwhelmed. Why isn't anyone just whelmed?

Source: Young Justice


Dumbledore: Good response to being cursed? 

Newt: Rude.

Theseus: That's fair.

Tina: Not again.

Queenie: Are you going to want me to do it back?

Source: Tumblr


Tina: As they say, new year, new me.

Newt: New year, more beasts.

Tina: Newt, I-

Source: Me


Some of you may die, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

--Gellert Grindelwald

Source: Shrek 

Bonus: For a hilarious interaction on this post, check out my Tumblr, @incorrect-newtina


Jacob: Who would win in a duel between Newt and Queenie?

Tina: I can't answer that, Newt's my partner.

Jacob: So, Queenie?

Tina: Yeah.

Source: Friends


Theseus: You need a hobby.

Newt: I have a hobby.

Theseus: Staring at Tina's face isn't a hobby.

Newt: You're right. It's a profession and I excel at my job.

Source: Tumblr


Newt: -nudges Tina awake-

Tina: What's wrong?

Newt: Hey, do you like me?

Tina: Newt, I married you.

Newt: Yes, but did you marry me as a friend or, like, as a husband? Unclear. 

Source: Twitter


Being normal is vastly overrated.

--Newt Scamander

Source: Halloweentown


Newt: I have cat-like reflexes.

Jacob: Prove it.

Newt: -sees a cat-

Newt: I like that cat.

Source: Unknown


Newt: Top reasons for us getting married?

Tina: Firmly saying, "That's my husband!" before knocking someone out in one punch.


Tina: And love.

Source: Tumblr

Chapter Text

Jacob: Do you have any shaving cream?

Newt: No, I don't like the way that it tastes.

Jacob: Wait, you eat shaving cream?

Newt: No, why would I eat it if I don't like the taste?

Source: Vine

 I'm all panic and no disco.

--Newt Scamander

Source: Twitter

 -back in the good old Hogwarts days-

Dumbledore: Newt, I know you snuck out last night.

Newt: -internally- Act dumb.

Newt: Who's Newt?

Newt: -internally- Not that dumb!

Source: Into the SpiderVerse (I highly recommend seeing this one in theaters while you still can)

 -Newt, Tina, Jacob, Queenie, and Theseus around a campfire-

Newt: Guys, we should tell scary stories!

Theseus: Okay. One day I met all of you.

Theseus: The end.

Source: @hellabatfam on Tumblr

 Newt: I have a plan! 

Tina: Does it involve us not getting into trouble?

Newt: I said a plan, not a miracle.

Source: Unknown

 Newt: You know what sucks?

Newt: Everything.

Newt: Bye.

Source: Tumblr

 Newt: What a week, huh?

Tina: It's Wednesday.

Source: 30 Rock 

 Newt: an egg.

Tina: Explain.

Newt: Has chickens in it sometimes.

Tina: Go to sleep.

Source: Tumblr

Newt: I like animals better than people.

Tina: You like them better than people?


Newt: I don't like people.

Tina: There it is.

Source: @inconvenient-bat-bagel on Tumblr


Tina: I spoke to the aurors at the scene.

Newt: What did they say?

Tina: "Go away."

Source: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency


Jacob: Have you told Tina how you feel?

Newt: Yes, just not out loud.

Source: Friends


Newt: Please? For me?

Tina: Don't do that.

Newt: What?

Tina: You think every time you say, "Please? For me?" I'll do whatever you want. Well, not this time.

Newt: Please? For me?

Tina: Okay.

Source: ICarly


Newt: When's the last time anything went according to plan?

Jacob: I don't think there was a last time.

Source: Legends of Tomorrow


When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Newt's book is, "Something Weird is Going On: What Did Queenie Say? The Newt Story." By Newt Scamander and Tina Goldstein.

--Tina Goldstein

Source: The Office

Chapter Text

Theseus: You need to stop doing weird things. Going out might help.

Newt: I went to the park today.

Theseus: There you go! I hope you got something from this.

Newt: I did. -opens bag- This duck.

Source: Twitter


You aren't doing it wrong if no one knows what you are doing.

--Newt Scamander

Source: Unknown


Newt: Can I bother you for a second?

Theseus: You always bother me but go ahead.

Source: iMessage Screenshot


Newt: I'm not out of control, I'm a law-abiding man.

Tina: Name one law.

Newt: Don't kill people.

Tina: ...That's on me, I set the bar too low.

Source: B99


Newt, to Tina: Hey! I think you're really cool! I like you a lot. Maybe we can hang out or something.

Source: Vine 


Newt: -slides in doing jazz hands- Any questions?

Theseus: Yes. WHY???

Newt: Why to that or in general?

Theseus: In general.

Newt: Because that's just how I am.

Theseus: But why??

Newt: Idontknowhelpme.

Theseus: Did you just say help me?

Newt: Noooo

Theseus: Come here and I'll help you. -gestures as if to shake him-

Newt: Yeah, no. -hightails out-

Source: An actual conversation my sister and I had. In which case, I am Newt and she is Theseus. It's better if you don't overthink this one. I'm surprised it even got notes on Tumblr.


Newt: There's still Grindelwald to deal with.

Tina: You let him get away?

Newt: No, not...get away...exactly, just...

Newt, to Theseus: Chime in. Anytime.

Theseus: Oh, no. I'm enjoying this far too much.

Source: Star Wars: Clone Wars


-In the middle of a battle or something-

Jacob: -squishes exotic bug-

Newt: Jacob, no! What are you doing? I was going to study that!

Jacob: Study the bottom of my boot. Now c'mon!


Jacob: All things considered, that went better than I expected.

Newt: I wish we could've gotten one of those worms...

Source: Star Wars: Clone Wars 


Newt: I don't need friends, they disappoint me.

Newt: -meets Jacob-

Newt: I changed my mind.

Source: Vine


Jacob: Would you consider us adorable?

Newt: No, we're grown men.

Newt: We're cute.

Source: New Girl


Jacob: I made you this friendship bracelet.

Newt: I'm not really a jewelry person.

Jacob: You don't have to wear it.

Newt: I'm going to wear it forever. Back off.

Source: Tumblr


Grindelwald: Didn't I kill you before?

Leta: Didn't take.

Source: Heroes


Chapter Text

Happy February! I updated this instead of working on my English essay. 


Newt: You're my best friend, Jacob. Last year we shared a toothbrush.

Jacob: I was not aware of that.

Newt: We did.

Source: Scrubs


Dumbledore: How do Newt and Jacob usually get out of these messes?

Tina: They don't. They just make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out.

Source: Unknown


Newt: I don't really have friends.

Theseus: Bold words coming from someone who is within hugging range.

Source: Unknown


Queenie: What's your relationship with Newt?

Tina: We're friends.

Tina: Friends that kiss.

Tina: And friends that are getting married next year.

Tina: You're invited to the wedding.

Source: @funotpdialogue on Tumblr 


Newt: -laying on the ground for 15 minutes-

Jacob: What's up with you, Newt?

Newt: I'm a little overwhelmed.

Jacob: Why?

Newt: Tina smiled at me.

Source: Meme


Dumbledore: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me.

Newt: Okay, but in my defense, Theseus bet me 5 sickles that I couldn't drink all that shampoo.

Dumbledore: That's not what I wanted to-

Dumbledore: You drank SHAMPOO?!

Source: B99


Tina, to Newt: I just wanna be friends.

Tina: Plus a little extra.

Tina: Also I love you.

Source: The Office


Jacob: Scared Tina away again?

Newt: This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls.

Jacob: Is there someone you're good at talking to?

Source: Firefly


Newt: How's the prettiest person in the world?

Tina: I don't know, how are-

Queenie: -across the room- I'm great, thanks.

Source: Tumblr


Newt: -sneaks into the house wearing a huge coat-

Tina: What's with the coat?

Newt's coat: -barks-

Newt: Drugs

Source: Tumblr


Newt, talking about himself:


Newt, talking about his beasts:


Newt, talking about Tina:


Source: Tumblr


I heard the clang and the "ow" and I figured it must be Newt.

--Tina Goldstein

Source: The West Wing


Theseus: Which state do you live in?

Newt: Constant anxiety.

Jacob: Denial.

Queenie: Perfection.

Tina: ...New York?

Source: Unknown


Kid Scamander: Can we go out for ice cream?

Newt: Did you ask your mother?

Kid Scamander: She said no.

Newt: Then why are you asking me?

Kid Scamander: She's not the boss of you.

Newt, internally: it's a trap it's a trap it's a trap it's a trap it's a-

Source: Tumblr



Chapter Text

Jacob: I wouldn't pet that.

Newt: It's got a harness. It's domesticated!

Newt: -Pets the beast, gets thrown back, caught on harness, and dragged across the field-

Source: Stargate 

 We came close to dying 6 or 7 times, which I thought was pretty good.

--Tina Goldstein (reporting the aurors' last mission)

Source: Percy Jackson

 Therapist: I believe you said that your childhood experience was satisfactory?

Tina: No, you misheard me. I said it was a "sadness factory."

Source: Unknown

 Tina, to Newt: Newt, you keep saying "ring-bear" instead of "ring-bearer." Will or will there not be a bear at our wedding?

Source: How I Met Your Mother


As someone who has a long history of not understanding anything, I feel confident in my ability to continue not knowing what is going on.

--Newt Scamander

Source: Twitter

 Jacob: What are you reading?

Newt: A book of things I love.

Jacob: Newt, that's just a photo album of Tina and your beasts.

Newt: Oh, what a coincidence.

Source: @incorrectannewae on Tumblr

Theseus: My brother tried to pick up a banana to make it look like he was talking on the phone, but all the bananas in the bunch came with it and he just looked at me and went "I guess it's a conference call."

Leta: A+++ recovery.

Theseus: Don't encourage him.

Source: Tumblr

Kid Scamander: -licks floor-

Newt: What are you doing?!

Kid Scamander: Playing hide n' go seek with mom.

Submitted by Anonymous on Tumblr


Newt: My hands are cold. Can you warm them up for me?

Tina: You know you don't have to ask to hold my hand.

Newt: No, seriously. My hands are like icicles. See? -grabs her hands-

Tina: Mercy Lewis, that's freezing! How did this happen?

Newt: I had to chase the niffler through the snow again.

Source: Me


Newt: Do you ever think about the future?

Tina: Sure I do.

Newt: Am I in it?

Tina: Honey, you are it.

Source: Friends


Tina: I've been dropping subtle hints that I'm mad at Newt.

Tina: Mr. Scamander.

Newt: -instant panic-

Source: Me


Newt: Hey...Tina...

Tina: Yes?

Newt: You love me right?

Tina: Yeah...

Newt: And when you love someone, you accept them the way they are.

Tina: Uh, yes.

Newt: And you learn to love the person's flaws too.

Tina: ...Newt-

Newt: So you would forgive them no matter what-

Tina: Just tell me what you did or got this time so we can get this over with.

Source: Unknown


Newt: "You'll understand when you're older."

Newt: I'm older and I understand absolutely nothing.

Source: Tumblr


Has anyone's crush ever actually worked out for them or is that just a myth?

--Newt Scamander

Source: Tumblr

Chapter Text

Theseus: I'm Newt Scamander's emergency contact.

Healer: Are you here to pick him up?

Theseus: I'm here to be removed as his emergency contact.

Source: Community


Jacob: So did you kiss her?

Newt: No, the moment wasn't right.

Newt: Look, Tina could be my future wife. I want our first kiss to be amazing.

Jacob: Aww Newt. That's so sweet.

Jacob: You chickened out.

Source: How I Met Your Mother


Tina: I owe you an apology.

Newt: No, you don't.

Tina: Yes, I do.

Newt: I should apologize to you.

Tina: No, you shouldn't.

Newt: I was rude.

Tina: But it was my fault.

Newt: Can we please not argue?

Tina: Can you please stop contradicting me?

Source: Anne with an E


I am pretty much 3% human and 97% stress.

--Newt Scamander, probably

Source: Tumblr


Newt: -trying to flirt- Are you from heaven because Tennesse.

Tina: ???

Newt: Wait, no-

Source: Tumblr


-Jacob and Queenie announce engagement-

Newt: What? People actually tell their crushes they like them?

Jacob: What on Earth do YOU do?

Newt: I die? What sort of question-

Source: Tumblr


Queenie: I wonder what Newt's thinking...

Newt's mind: Tina. Beasts. Did I remember to feed the occamies? Where's Pickett? Niffler. Niffler at the bank. Oh no! Tina. I wonder if this one thing would make Theseus mad. Beasts. TINA. Suitcase. Niffler-

Queenie: What. Did I just hear?

Source: Me


Queenie: Why's Newt so grumpy?

Tina: Pickett picked me over him today and he's upset even though he "doesn't have favorites."

Source: Me


Sorry, I don't have time to be arrested.

--Newt Scamander, Movie 1

Source: Yu Yu Hakusho


Theseus: -singing to Newt- Everybody gets tired, but today I'm just tired of you.

Source: Vine 


Tina: Toss me my keys.


Tina: I said my keys!

Newt: I thought you said printer.

Tina: Why would I say printer?!

Source: Vine


Grindelwald: You better watch out! You better watch out! You better watch out! You better watch out! You better watch out!

Source: Vine 


Newt: But that's just the tip of the Yikesburg.


Source: Tumblr


I wasn't hurt that badly. The healer said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

--Tina Goldstein, after a mission

Source: B99

Chapter Text

Dumbledore: Newt, the worst thing you can do in these situations is taking matters into your own hands.

Newt: Got it. 

Newt: -turns to Jacob, Tina, Leta, and Theseus-

Newt: We're gonna have to take matters into our own hands.

Source: Psych

 Theseus: Are you in my house?

Newt: Please. I haven't snuck into your house in weeks. Which reminds me, you're all out of peanut butter.

Source: Vine

 Jacob: That doesn't make any sense.

Newt: No, nothing makes sense here, man. The only thing that does make sense is that nothing makes sense.

Source: Thor: Ragnarok

 Grindelwald: I didn't murder anyone, sir.

Auror: You telling me you didn't do it?

Grindelwald: They died from terminal stupidity.

Source: The Punisher

 -After a long week of running from Grindelwald or something-

Newt: If they start breaking through the door...

Tina: Newt.

Newt: I... I don't even know. I'll probably start crying.

Tina: Newt!

Source: Marvel Comics

 Why do people shush animals? They've never spoken!

--Newt Scamander, after someone shushes one of his animals

Source: John Mulaney

Newt: -sees an animal-

Newt: I want one.

Tina: No.

Newt: -turns away, pouting-

Source: Iron Man 2

Dumbledore: You got this? Right?

Newt: Got what? I don't even know what I'm supposed to get.

Source: Iron Man 2

Tina: -leads the way, wand drawn- Is your wand up?

Newt: -right behind her, raises it immediately- Yep.

Source: Iron Man 3 

 Tina: I have a plan.

Queenie: You've got a plan?

Tina: I have part of a plan!

Newt: And what percentage of a plan?

Tina: I don't know. 12 percent.

Source: Guardians of the Galaxy


Dumbledore: Just don't do anything I would do.

Dumbledore: And definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Dumbledore: There's a little gray area in there, and that's where you operate.

Source: Spider-Man: Homecoming


Newt: -leans over-

Theseus: -hugs him-

Newt: That's not a hug. I'm just grabbing the door for ya.

Theseus: Oh.

Source: Spider-Man: Homecoming


Criminal: Can I give you some advice?

Tina: Hmm?

Criminal: You gotta get better at this part of the job.

Tina: I don't understand. I'm intimidating.

Source: Spider-Man: Homecoming


Newt: I ruined the moment, didn't I.

Theseus: Yes, you did.

Newt: I'm gonna make some tea.

Source: Ant-Man

Chapter Text

Theseus: Hey, let's do "Get Help."

Newt: What?

Theseus: "Get Help."

Newt: No.

Theseus: Come on, you love it.

Newt: No, I hate it.

Theseus: It works every time.

Newt: It's humiliating.

Theseus: Do you have a better plan?

Newt: No.

Theseus: We're doing it.

Newt: We are not doing "Get Help."

-elevator opens-

Theseus: Get help! Please! My brother, he's dying! Get help! 

Theseus: -tosses Newt at guards- HELP HIM! 

Theseus: Ha, classic.

Newt: -standing up- Still hate it. It's humiliating.

Theseus: Well, not for me it's not.

Source: Thor: Ragnarok (Wow does this 1-minute scene have a lot of dialogue)

Newt: Are you sure this is a short cut?

Tina: Not as sure as I was an hour ago.

Source: Futurama


 Marketer: Good credit? Bad credit? No credit? No problem! Are you dead? F- that! Ghost credit!

Leta: I'm gonna get a Subaru! 

Source: Vine 

Tina: What do you have there?

Kid Scamander: A wand!

Tina: No! 

Source: Vine 

Tina: Where is my engagement ring?

Newt: We're not engaged?

Tina: That's exactly why I'm asking!

Source: @funotpdialogue on Tumblr

Tina: I want to stay with you until I'm 150.

Newt: So I can expect you to leave me at 151?

Source: @funotpdialogue

 Tina: Hey, Jacob, Newt and I are expecting-


Tina: I was going to say packages but I'll go tell Newt that.

Source: @incorrectquotesideas on Tumblr

Tina: Hey, Jacob.

Newt: We brought dinner.

Jacob: What'd you get?

Tina: -gestures with pizza box- A bucket of chicken. I hope you like it extra flat and crispy.

Source: Golden Girls

 Newt: Please, Tina... After everything we went through together. You can't do this.

Tina: I'm sorry, Newt.

Newt: I'm begging you. Don't do it.

Tina: It has to be done.




Tina: -places a +4 card- Uno.

Source: Tumblr

 Theseus: -sees Newt at the French Ministry-

Newt and Theseus:

Image result for spider man pointing meme

Source: Meme

 Tina: Alright, you're clearly not listening to me. I can say whatever I want.

Newt: Tell me about it.

Tina: I murdered Queenie last night.

Newt: I feel you.

Tina: Now that I've got the taste for blood, I can't stop murdering.

Newt: Been there.

Source: B99

Newt: Everything is going to be fine. It's just a crush.

-2 seconds later-

Newt: I love you.

Source: Friends

 Jacob: I have a 3-step plan to get Tina to marry you.

Newt: Okay, I'm listening.

Jacob: Step 1, get her to play truth or dare.

Newt: Oh gosh, stop.

Jacob: Step 2, wait until she picks truth.

Newt: Jacob, no.

Jacob: Step 3, dare her to marry you.

Queenie: -shouting from the other room- It could work!

Source: Tumblr

 Tina: I wanna go to a movie with you and do inappropriate things in the back row.

Newt: Like sneak in candies and soda?

Tina: And put our feet on the back of people's chairs.

Source: Tumblr

Chapter Text

Tina: Is something burning?

Newt: -leans on the counter- Just my desire for you.

Tina: Newt, the toaster's on fire.

Source: Unknown 


Tina: What was the one thing I told you not to do?

Newt: Burn the flat down.

Tina: And what did you do?

Newt: Made you dinner.




Newt: ...and burned down the flat.

Source: Unknown


Tina: Love is dead and never existed. All you did was betray me as I lay sick and festering. You are the definition of dread.

Queenie: Are you okay?

Tina: Newt stole my hotdog.

Source: Tumblr


-playing Dungeons and Dragons-

Newt: I roll to steal Tina's heart.

Tina: Newt, you can't-

Newt: -rolls a twenty-


Jacob, the dungeonmaster: You have a spring wedding. Queenie is Tina's maid of honor. I'm Newt's best man.

Source: Tumblr

Newt: My wife looks so good right now.

Jacob, looking around: Wait, is Tina here?

Newt: No. But I just know. 

Source: Tumblr


Newt: We need to talk about-

Tina: The building was on fire when I got here.

Newt: What?

Tina: What?

Source: Llamas with Hats


Dumbledore: Has anyone seen Newt??

Newt: -lying facedown on the floor- Present.

Source: B99


Tina: -Walks into living room full of animals-

Tina: Newt!

Newt: -enters room, acting oblivious- Hey honey! Good morning, how did you sleep? I adopted 32 cats and dogs. Do you want pancakes? I'm gonna make pancakes. 

Tina: Is that a pig?

Newt: Which one?

Tina: Is that a pig?

Newt: Are you talking about this one? This one right here? -points-

Tina: -nods frantically-

Newt: Yes, that is a pig.

Tina: -looks into the camera- 

Source: Parks and Rec 


Mrs. Scamander: Go to your room! 

Theseus: That's not fair.

Mrs. S: Do as I say! 

Theseus: You never send Newt to his room when he's in trouble.

Mrs. S: Newt never leaves his room. If he was in trouble I'd make him sit in the living room or talk to other human beings.

Newt, from his room: I CAN HEAR YOU!

Source: Tumblr


Tina: Hey babe, happy one year.

Newt: :O

Newt: I'm twenty-seven--

Source: Vine 


Newt: Did Tina just tell me she loved me for the first time?

Jacob: Yeah.

Newt: And did I do finger guns back?

Jacob: Yeah, you did.

Source: New Girl 


Newt: Dumbledore! I have bad news! 

Dumbledore: There is no good news or bad news, Newt. There is only news.

Newt: Grindelwald got away again. 



Dumbledore: That is bad news.

Source: Kung Fu Panda


-After the Battle in Paris-

Jacob: 🎶 If you're tired and you know it clap your hands. 🎶

Newt: I'm too tired to even lift my hands.

Source: Me 


Queenie: I don't know why, but I have the Ilvermorny song stuck in my head.

Newt: I can help.


Source: Me


Chapter Text

Tina, bad at flirting: I really like your name.

Newt, equally bad at flirting: Thanks, I got it for my birthday.

Source: Tumblr

Newt and Tina: -run while holding hands-

Jacob: You know, you might run faster if you just let go-

Newt: Nope.

Tina: Not happening.

Source: Me 

Newt: I will not be awkward today. 

Jacob: Hey, Newt! 

Newt: Good, thanks! 

Source: Tumblr

Newt: -looking at the stars-

Tina: What are you doing?

Newt: Naming the stars after people I love.

Tina: Do I get a star?

Newt: You get the sun.

Source: Twitter

Newt, to an animal: Hello Mr. Fluffball.

Tina: We're not naming it Mr. Fluffball.

Newt: Fine. Hello, Dragon.

Tina: We're not naming the niffler Dragon! It makes no sense!

Newt: People do it with their cats!

Tina: It's not a cat! 

Source: Me 

Theseus: -sees a piece of trash- Look, it's my brother!

Also Theseus: You even think bad about Newt and I'll hunt you down.

Source: Me (Kind of? Kind of a meme too)

Newt: You have eyes like a Salamander.

Tina: Aww...


Tina: Newt, tell me more about my eyes.

Newt: You have eyes like a giant mud dwelling amphibian.


Newt: ...with spots.

Submitted by: @strad-214 on Tumblr


Tina: What was that?

Newt: My shirt fell.

Tina: It sounded a lot heavier than that.

Newt: ...I was in it.

Source: Tumblr

Tina: What's wrong, Newt?

Newt, scratching Frank's and Niffler's heads but not Pickett's and an Occamy's, near tears: I don't have enough hands.

Source: Unknown

Check out @elisha-am on Tumblr for a cute drabble addition with this! 

Jacob: Were you and Tina kissing?

Newt: What? No. Of course not.

Jacob: Her lipstick's on your mouth.

Newt: Uh... we just happen to be wearing the same shade.

Source: Friends

Newt: Quick, someone, find an adult. We need help.

Jacob: Newt, we are adults.


Newt: Crap, we're gonna die. 

Source: Unknown

Newt: I love art.

Newt: -looks at Tina-

Newt: Behold, art.

Source: Unknown

Tina: When I said, "Bring me something back from the beach," I meant like...a seashell or something...

Newt, struggling to keep hold of an infuriated seagull: Well maybe say that next time.

Source: Tumblr


Customs Official: Do you have any items to declare?

Newt, every single time without fail due to the amount of animals living in his case:

Image result for john mulaney reaction

Source: John Mulaney (obviously)


Newt, trying to flirt: Do you come here often?

Tina: This is my house. 

Source: Unknown 


Tina: What's your idea of a perfect date? 

Newt: That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

Source: Miss Congeniality


Grindelwald: I could kill you if I wanted to.

Newt: Yeah? So could another human being.

Newt: So could a dog.

Newt: So could a dedicated duck.

Newt: You're not special.

Source: Tumblr


Newt: I never have seconds thoughts. That's the luxury of having great first thoughts.

Source: B99


Tina: I have high standards.

Newt: -smiles-

Tina: Oh no, he's meeting all of my standards.

Source: Undertale (apparently. idk I've never seen it)

Chapter Text

Jacob: If you had to separate your dog from 49 other identical dogs that were all equally excited to see you, how would you determine which dog was yours?

Newt: I would take my 50 dogs home and live like a king.

Source: Reddit


Tina in the background" We don't have room for 50 dogs! 


Queenie: Be in the moment.

Jacob: I am in the moment! It's a terrible moment!

Source: Into the Spiderverse


Sir, that's my emotional support niffler.

--Newt Scamander

Source: Meme


Theseus: One day, you could be a father.

Newt: One day? I already am!

Theseus: IT'S A DOG, NEWT!


Source: New Girl


Newt: Houston, we have a problem.

Tina: Where are you?

Newt: Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. 

Source: Texts From Last Night


Newt: Things just got super weird- it's my time to shine!

Source: Bird Meme


Newt: Hello 911? Yes, hi, I accidentally stepped on my cat's tail and I need to be arrested. 

911 Operator: Mr. Scamander, we've talked about this.

-Also Newt-

Tina: -arrests him for a technically legit reason-

Newt: What?? Are?? You?? Doing?? I?? Don't?? Have?? Time?? For?? This??

Source: Unknown


Auror: You're under arrest for trying to carry three people on a broomstick.

Newt: Wait, what do you mean three?

Auror: Yes...three...

Newt: Oh my gosh- what on Earth?!

Auror: Sir?

Newt: Jacob fell off!

Source: Unknown


Jacob: What if ducks threw bread back at you?

Newt: You'd have to duck.

Tina: I hate you both.

Source: Tumblr (one too many puns that day for Tina)


Newt and Jacob: -Lying flat on the street after a fall-

Newt: Hey, maybe you guys can go around?

People: -Walk over them-

Newt: Alright... thanks, New York.

Source: Into the Spiderverse


Jacob: Hey, Newt, how do we know the good guys from the bad guys?

Newt: If they're shooting curses at you, they're bad.

Source: Captain America: The Winter Soldier


Tina: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.

Newt: We could attack Grindelwald with hummus.

Tina: I stand corrected.

Newt: Just keeping things in perspective.

Source: Buffy the Vampire Slayer


Tina: Are you kidding me?

Newt: No, I'm adulting you. 

Source: Tumblr


Jacob, since he's not a wizard: From the shoulder, beyond the wrist...Look out evil! It's my fist!

Source: Green Lantern Comics/DC Comics


Theseus: -walks in, holding 1 cup of tea-

Theseus: I got you one but I dropped it.

Newt: -distracted, but disbelieving grunt- Thanks.

Source: Gotham


Newt: Road work ahead? Uh, yeah, I sure hope it does.

Source: Vine


Except for everything, I am perfectly fine.

--Tina Goldstein

Source: Red Robin Comics/DC Comics