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Leonard was wearing an air of despair, like it was one of his many hooded sweatshirts, when he flopped into his seat at the lunch table.

Sheldon tried to turn the topic to carnivorous plant life but Raj had already asked the question.

"What's wrong, Leonard?"

Now Sheldon would have to wait for Leonard to unburden his soul and be mocked soundly by his friends before a new topic could be introduced. This was the price of friendship. On one hand, he had to tolerate Leonard's endless bellyaching. On the other hand, Leonard was a match if Sheldon ever needed a kidney and he had accepted the non-necessary organ clause in the Roommate Agreement.

"I just had a 'chat' with Siebert."

Sheldon's spirits were instantly raised.

"Does he want you bang another rich old lady?" Howard asked with disturbing eagerness.

"No. He wants me to 'bang' some rich old guy!"

When Sheldon asked, "How rich?" Leonard shot him what seemed to be an angry look. When Sheldon reminded his roommate he was in need of a new linear electron accelerator, it was to no avail.

"I didn't get my doctorate so I could become a rent boy!"

"Yeah," added Raj, "Besides, he's getting a little old for male prostitution. His best years are behind him."

"And so are his best customers!" Howard added. All that was missing was the rim shot.

Sheldon knew he couldn't push the issue too hard. Leonard would only offer the expected protestations and delay his eventual acquiescence. It was better to circumvent the argument entirely.

He went straight to Dr. Siebert.

 

"What? Are you Leonard's pimp now?"

"I am facilitating his efforts to obtain maximum funding for our department."

"I was kidding the first time but now... Are you Leonard's pimp?"

"Do you have any useful information for me or are you just planning to badger me with nonsensical questions?"

Siebert weighed his options and ultimately went for the former, "Ted Barinski, early fifties. He's richer than Midas, he likes younger men and word has it, he has a soft spot for little geeky guys like Leonard. I'm not saying Leonard should have sex with this man... but if he did... it would probably be really good for his career."

"I understand why you don't want to have sex with Mr. Barinski."

Leonard's shoulders sagged. "I know I'll regret this but... why?"

"Because you have had little to no experience sexually satisfying men. That is a valid concern. We don't want your lack of experience to negatively affect his donation."

"Get in the car and shut up."

Leonard maintained his foul mood for the duration of the drive home.

 

Sheldon knocked on Penny's door. There was no point opening the door until his ritual was complete.

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"I need you to take me shopping."

"Why can't Leonard take you shopping?"

"I asked him and he became verbally abusive."

Penny's "Sheldon telepathy" was kicking in. Sheldon wanted to buy something absolutely ridiculous and the best thing Penny could do for the world at large was to say "no".

She slipped on shoes and grabbed her car keys. "Then let's go shopping."

Penny was enjoying the warm sunshine and her favorite song was playing on the radio and Sheldon wanted to buy a dildo for Leonard so he could practice having sex for money.

"Did Leonard agree to... coitusing this guy?" She had a feeling Leonard was bisexual (only a man in love would live with Sheldon) but it wasn't like him to be mercenary. Leonard had sex because he was horny, not to advance his career.

"So far, he's been very adamant that he will not be engaging Mr. Barinski in sexual activities but I think that can be chalked up to performance anxiety."

"Is he attracted to this guy?"

Sheldon looked confused.

"Does Leonard want to have sex with this guy?"

"He certainly should! A donation from this man could have a massive impact on our department."

"That's not how it works, sweetie."

"I beg to differ."

"Okay, sometimes it works that way but Leonard isn't a whore."

She glanced over at Sheldon, there was no comprehension in his eyes. She may as well have been speaking gibberish.

 

As she walked through the rows of sex toys with Sheldon, she imagined her next phone call from her father. She couldn't wait for him to inevitably ask about Leonard.

"You're the expert," Sheldon began with no apparent fear that Penny would punch him in the dick. "For what size should Leonard prepare himself?"

Penny picked up an especially absurd dildo and knew that she needed to be there when Sheldon handed over his gift. Penny cared deeply for Leonard and hated to see uncomfortable or in pain (with that thought she grabbed a more realistic dildo) but she did like to see him squirm. He was cute when he was waiting for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

Sheldon was looking at the "movies" with a thoughtful gaze. When he used that stare at his whiteboard, he looked every inch the beautiful minded genius but looking that way at porn... he looked pretty damn creepy. Penny assured him the internet would be able to answer all his questions.

When Sheldon finally completed his purchase, he used a coupon from a local flier. The girl at the register had clearly never seen one before. Who buys sex toys with a coupon? Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, that's who.

 

Leonard was curled up on the couch playing Halo 3 against a man who, according to his bio, hadn't left his home in twenty years. He needed something to occupy his brain after his disturbing conversations with Siebert and Sheldon. Normally he couldn't give it away, and now his professional colleagues wanted him to sell it. The thought made him laugh. Sheldon thought he had potential as a gigolo. He'd probably have to get a haircut, maybe do a few sit ups. Sheldon was going to need a pimp cane. He was finally beginning to relax when Sheldon returned home. As soon as he heard the key in the door, Leonard's stomach clenched. Penny followed with a Cheshire Cat-like grin. If she looked that happy, Sheldon had been up to something terrible.

"Leonard! This is no time to play video games. The last thing you need before seducing an older gentleman is a sore hand." Sheldon snatched the controller from his grip and promptly began massaging Leonard's hands. His breath caught in his throat at the unexpected touch. Sheldon was massaging him. Penny was watching and, unlike Sheldon, she would notice if Leonard blushed (or stopped breathing).

"I'm not going to... Penny, why are you encouraging him!"

Penny looked wide-eyed and innocent. "He makes a good point, Leonard, you want to be ready for whatever this guy has to offer."

Her eyes went to the brown paper bag in Sheldon's hand. Oh, hell. He just got up and walked to his room. Sheldon could finish this conversation without him.

 

Sheldon watched his roommate retreat, looking oddly thoughtful.

"Perhaps you should speak to him, Penny. Mercenary sex is more your forte."

"I don't have sex for money! Or material goods! I have sex with men because I care about them!" Sheldon shot her a dubious look. "...or because they are really cute. Leonard isn't going to hook up with this guy unless he wants to, you know, hook up with the guy."

Sheldon was being very attentive. It made her nervous.

"Fine. You have a tremendous amount of sexual experience. Perhaps you can help Leonard to feel more comfortable about having sex with a strange man. And while you're at it, perhaps you can offer him some pointers on performing fellatio."

"Why don't you help him?" He'd been calling her a whore for weeks and it was getting old.

"I am. That's why I purchased the fake penis. Pay attention, Penny!"

"Why not just use your penis? Let him go down and you and tell him if it feels good."

"I can't have Leonard perform oral sex on me.," Sheldon looked confused and a little uncomfortable.

"Why not?"

"Because we aren't in a romantic relationship."

"You would be if he was going down on you."

Sheldon crossed his arms and glared. Penny's mind was filling with unexpected images. Leonard's pouty mouth opened wide for Sheldon's cock, his sensitive brown eyes looking for approval. Sheldon trying to stay impassive as Leonard worked his lips up and down his shaft. His long fingers curling into Leonard's hair as his breathing became shallow.

"Are you feeling ill, Penny? You suddenly appear flushed."

Bossy Sheldon demanding more, Leonard glaring over the rim of his glasses as he... he looked cuter without his glasses. No, she liked the glasses, it was somehow dirtier. Sweet nerdy Leonard sucking cock.

"Do you need a glass of water? A cold compress?"

Sheldon turning red as he got ready to come. That cool demeanor shattered as he gave in to the basest of desires, his fine features contorted with pleasure...

He was checking her eyes and telling her they were dilated.

Good observation, genius.

It was time to go to her apartment, spend some quality time alone, and wait for the yelling to begin.

 

Sheldon knocked gently on the door. When Leonard made no response, he let himself in. His roommate was curled up on his side, his glasses pushed up on his forehead. Sheldon found the habit appealing. Leonard's poor eyesight was as much a part of his charm as his strangled laugh and clown-like hair.

"Are you sad, Leonard?"

"I'm not sad."

"Are you nervous about your abilities to use sex to procure large donations to the university?"

"I. Am. Not. Going. To. Have. Sex. For. Money."

"You seem upset. Do you want a hot beverage?"

"I just want to be alone."

Sheldon took the opportunity to show his roommate his gift, "While you are in here, enjoying your alone time, you might want to utilize this 'marital aid'. I've also sent you a list of links..."

Leonard was staring at the gift with his mouth hanging open. He looked disturbed. Perhaps he should have gotten a smaller model.

"What the... I don't even know what to... Go away, Sheldon!"

He left the gift on Leonard's bed and ducked when Leonard threw it at his head as he left the room. Perhaps Leonard would be in a better mood after he'd spent some time alone.

"Leonard?"

"Go away!"

"Why aren't you masturbating?"

Leonard pulled a pillow over his head but he couldn't hide from Sheldon. He was ever present and all seeing and somehow he knew whether or not Leonard was jacking off. It was like living with his mother.

To be fair to Sheldon, at least his roommate wouldn't write a paper about his masturbatory behaviors and he had never asked to attach electrodes to Leonard's head while he engaged in "self-abuse".

The older he got, the more he realized his family was really fucked up.

No wonder he had ended up a prostitute.

He heard his door open and peeked out from under his pillow. Sheldon was standing at the foot of his bed with a cup of tea in one hand, his laptop in the other. He pulled the pillow back over his head.

He felt the shift in the mattress as Sheldon sat at the foot of his bed. If Sheldon was actually sitting on his bed, he wasn't going anywhere any time soon. Leonard resigned himself to hours of torture when he felt Sheldon's hand on his hip.

Sheldon's hand on his hip! The touch was so unexpected and intimate he had a strong... biological reaction. He curled his legs to his chest and hoped Sheldon hadn't noticed. Getting hard from an innocent touch would not help his case.

"Leonard, I want you to know that I respect your feelings with regards to not exchanging sexual favors for money."

"You do?"

"I don't understand it, especially given your normal lack of self restraint in this area but I do respect that you have feelings... inexplicable as they may be."

"Thanks. That means a lot," Leonard one again hesitantly poked his head out from under the pillow.

Sheldon had a picture of Ted Barinski pulled up on his laptop.

"Perhaps if you learn more about Mr. Barinski, your libido will be sufficiently stimulated and the possible donation will no longer be a factor in your decision to have coitus. As you can see, he's quite handsome by today's standards. A real silver fox!" Sheldon's accompanying growl was disturbing but almost sexy.

Leonard retreated under the pillow.

 

Sheldon was at a loss. Leonard was being even more difficult than usual. He spent his waking hours pursuing coitus but when he had a chance to use his ardor for the benefit of mankind, he hid under a pillow. He could see that Leonard was aroused when looking at Barinski; clearly that wasn't the problem.

"Mr. Barinski enjoys Star Wars, Star Trek and Dr. Who and credits his love of science fiction for his particular brand of philanthropy. He's openly homosexual with a propensity for 'intellectuals'. Several of his partners have been diminutive and bespectacled," Leonard was peeking out from under his pillow, Sheldon showed him the slide show of Barinski and partners with whom he'd been photographed.

"So he's into little nerdy guys like me?"

That was more like it!

"Yes! You are precisely his 'type' as it were. You won't need to make any attempt to be conventionally attractive."

"That's good. If I had to look attractive, we'd be screwed."

"Conventionally attractive. Your offbeat good looks should serve you well in this instance."

"Did you just call me good-looking?" Leonard had removed the pillow. His hair was in disarray, his glasses were sliding down his nose and his face was twisted in confusion? Distaste? Indigestion?

He looked very unconventionally handsome. Sheldon felt the strange fluttering in his stomach that accompanied such observations. He would hardly put himself in the same category as Amy Farrah Fowler and her recent episode but the fact was, he had baser desires; desires that he clamped down with an iron fist of reason. He wasn't going to unfold the mysteries of the universe while mooning over Leonard's squinty eyes.

"In your own way, yes. Now, Mr. Barinski recently made a significant donation to Harvard's physics program so you're going to have to really step up your game to get a comparable donation, hence the marital aid that you so rudely threw at my head. That brings me to the aforementioned links." Sheldon brought up a particularly informative video he had found that gave tips on performing fellatio. The video was clinical in tone but the demonstrations were graphic and brought a flush to Sheldon's cheeks. Leonard sat up and watched the video intently. His respiration increased noticeably.

"Would you like to practice, now?"

"Yes."

Sheldon attempted to stand up and collect the item from the floor by the door but Leonard grabbed his wrist.

"No. I'm not going to practice on a hunk of molded plastic."

As soon as it was out of his mouth, Leonard lost his nerve. It was a big leap from Sheldon calling him unconventionally handsome and blushing at porn to actually letting Leonard go down on him.

Go down on Sheldon? Insanity. He would never go for it.

But he wasn't pulling away. In fact, he was staring at Leonard with his piercing blue eyes and his flushed cheeks.

"What are you proposing, Leonard?" Sheldon licked his lips nervously.

What are you proposing, Leonard?

"I think it would be more... efficacious to practice on another person." He wondered if Sheldon noticed his voice shaking. The subtleties of human communication were such a mystery to Sheldon.

Human contact was a mystery to Sheldon.

Sheldon shifted his weight from foot to foot and stared at Leonard's hand on his wrist, but he still hadn't pulled away. Leonard's heart was pounding so loudly, his roommate had to be hearing every beat with his bat-like ears.

"Efficacious?" Sheldon echoed.

"Yes, as you pointed out, the stakes are high. Can we afford to have me ill-prepared?"

Sheldon shook his head no.

Was that a yes?

"So, I'm thinking," Leonard's mouth had gone completely dry, "that I need to practice on a real person with real responses who can offer real time critique."

Sheldon cleared his throat, "I concur with your hypothesis but I'm not sure... I'm sorry, Leonard. I'm not good at this type of thing. Why don't you just tell me what you are proposing?"

"I want to perform fellatio on you."

"Did Penny tell you to say that?"

"Why would Penny... never mind. What do you think? Would you be willing to... help me prepare?"

Sheldon felt dizzy, probably because of the amount of blood rushing away from his brain. Leonard wanted to perform fellatio on him?

"I don't think I have the catalog of knowledge or experience necessary to offer informed critique in this situation..."

"You know what feels good."

"Did Penny tell you to say that?"

"Why do you keep bringing up Penny?"

"She suggested a similar scenario..."

Leonard raised his eyebrows, that usually meant surprise. He continued.

"Penny seemed to think it would behoove us both if I were to have you practice your sexual techniques on me but I pointed out that would not be appropriate within the current paradigm of our relationship."

"We could be friends with benefits," suggested Leonard, his voice pitched lower than normal. The effect was stimulating.

"Very well, Leonard, but you're going to have to take a shower first."

Leonard knew better than to half-ass the shower. Sheldon would send him right back to the bathroom if he had reason to believe Leonard was anything less than squeaky clean. When he finally returned to his room, wrapped in his robe, he was a nervous wreck. If Sheldon so much as hinted he wanted to back out, Leonard planned to give him a one-time-only handshake and tell him to forget the whole thing.

Sheldon was sitting on his bed watching porn, sorry, instructional videos on his laptop. His eyes were so dilated they were nearly black.

"Sheldon," his voice came out pitched about an octave higher than usual, "I am not going to have sex with some strange guy in order to get a donation to the university."

"Of course not."

"You already know that?'

"Of course, you've made yourself very clear on the subject. However, I know you are highly influenced by your rapacious libido and likely to end up engaging in coitus with this man if he propositions you. The upshot of which is a likely to be a significant donation to our department."

What could he say to that? Sheldon wasn't entirely wrong. Of course, what Sheldon considered a rapacious sexual appetite was more like a perfectly normal appetite to the rest of the world.

"Therefore," Sheldon continued, "It's probably a good idea that you are prepared for the nearly inevitable eventuality."

"You're actually going to go through with this? You're going to let me," he searched for an appropriate phrasing, "put my mouth on you?"

The statement should have horrified Sheldon but while he twitched uncomfortably, he did not look repulsed.

"The idea of such activities with you is not entirely unappealing."

Leonard heard, "I want your mouth on my penis".

"Can I kiss you?"

Sheldon thought about it, "Okay. But don't put your tongue in my mouth."

"Fair enough."

 

The first kiss was tentative and Leonard was fully prepared for his roommate to flee.

Instead, Sheldon kissed him back. His lips were just barely moving but he was leaning into Leonard's kiss.

Leaning in and down as awkwardly as possible, he tried to guide Sheldon to sit down on the bed and ended up just dragging the lanky man down on top of himself. Sheldon's arms and legs seemed to be locked in place. He rolled Sheldon on his back, his roommate was dead weight, but he was still kissing back.

He sucked at Sheldon's lower lip the way he'd wanted to during a million Sheldon hissy fits. How many times had he imagined silencing his roommate this way?

He ran his hand along Sheldon's slim hip, working up the courage to move his hand to the left. Just a little to the left. His hand was shaking but Sheldon moaned as he cupped the bulge in his roommate's tented trousers. He ran his tongue along Sheldon's lip and was pleasantly surprised when the jaw unclenched. As he ran his tongue along Sheldon's tongue and teeth he couldn't resist pressing his own arousal into Sheldon's side. It was so good.

He jerked his head back, "I'm sorry, Sheldon, I forgot about the tongue thing."

Sheldon put his hand on the back of Leonard's neck and pulled him back down into another kiss. This time it was Sheldon's tongue seeking entrance and Leonard was moaning like an animal in heat. He pawed at Sheldon like a horny teenager, unable to feel enough of him through his clothes. He struggled to undo his partner's pants and ultimately earned a strike for popping the button but now his hand was reaching inside the ever present tighty whiteys and wrapping around Sheldon's cock. Long fingers nearly pulled a chunk of hair out of Leonard's head but he couldn't imagine being annoyed. How could he ever be annoyed by this man moaning into his mouth? Of course, if Sheldon spent more time moaning in pleasure and less time talking he would be so much easier to live with.

He was talking again.

"Leonard, perhaps it would be a good time to work on your fellatio skills."

Demanding bastard.

 

Leonard tugged Sheldon's pants down around his ankles and realized belatedly his roommate was still wearing shoes. He tried to pull them off but Sheldon demanded he untie the shoes properly and Leonard was too turned on to argue. Too be fair, Sheldon had been flexible on the "Don't put your tongue in my mouth" rule. When he could finally turn his full attention to Sheldon's half naked body, he smiled. Sheldon was still wearing his tee-shirts and socks but he was already guiding Leonard's head to his erection. The hand was gentle but firm.

He wrapped his hand around the base of Sheldon's cock and flicked his tongue at the head.

"Oh, dear Lord."

So far, so good. He ran his tongue around the head thoroughly before taking it into his mouth. Sheldon's entire body reacted to the sensation and Leonard had to ask.

"How would you rate my technique thus far?"

"If I had access to millions of dollars, it would be yours."

That had to be the nicest thing Sheldon had ever said to him.

He took Sheldon back into his mouth, working his way slowly down towards the base. Sheldon's cock was twitching eagerly with each movement of Leonard's mouth and tongue. He made a wonderfully disappointed noise when Leonard pulled away but he was quickly moaning again as Leonard mouthed his testicles. He had to admit, the instructional film had been helpful. Knowing what felt good was one thing, knowing how to keep your jaw from falling off in the process was quite another.

He was surprised at how much he was enjoying himself. Sheldon was being obscenely vocal without using words and he was tugging at Leonard's hair with both hands. He was so much more responsive than he had ever been in Leonard's fantasies. He'd always imagined Sheldon being calm and maybe a little distant. This was so much better. When he moved his mouth back to Sheldon's erection, he was rewarded with one strangled word.

"Leonard."

He moved his mouth quickly, one hand working Sheldon at the base and the other stroking his testicles just like he'd seen in the video. It was awkward but the effect was immediate.

"Oh, dear Lord. Now."

He wasn't positive what "now" meant but he but he got the hint when Sheldon yanked his head up by his hair. A moment later Sheldon growled as his cock pulsed and Leonard did his best to protect his bedspread. He ended up crouching over his roommate with his hands held together like he was holding a firefly.

This would be a terrible time to have a panic attack.

Sheldon was looking at his own hands, flicking away the curly dark hairs he had accidentally plucked from his roommate's head. Leonard bore him no ill will. Male pattern baldness was prevalent in his family, he never expected to maintain a full head of hair.

"Leonard?"

He jumped at the sound of his name.

"Um... yes?"

"Are you all right?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be all right?" he couldn't seem to regulate the volume of his voice, "Are you all right?"

Sheldon looked dubious but only said, "I think I may have pulled a muscle in my neck."

Leonard offered to get him a Tylenol and awkwardly climbed off the bed, his hands still clutched together.

As he washed his hands in the bathroom sink, his heart was racing. Sheldon was fine, everything was fine. Eight years of friendship couldn't be undone by an impulsive act.

"Leonard?"

He jumped and smacked his hand on the sink faucet hard enough to bring tears to his eyes.

"Leonard! What did I say about taking care of your hands!"

"Sheldon!"

"Yes?"

"Don't start talking like my pimp again. Not now."

 

Sheldon studied his best friend as he rubbed his sore hand. Leonard was always a cornucopia of nervous tics but he seemed especially nervous since bringing Sheldon to a rather stunning orgasm. Perhaps it was because he had yet to achieve his own orgasm. Sheldon took a Tylenol and drank a glass of water while Leonard finished washing his hands, then he chased the smaller man out of the bathroom so he could have a moment to "clean up."

As Leonard awkwardly moved past him, Sheldon prompted him to watch the next video he'd cued up on anal sex. Leonard walked into the door jamb.

"What?"

He knew from experience that Leonard was not saying "what" because he hadn't heard the question, he was actually expressing confusion as to Sheldon's meaning.

"The next film is about anal sex, go watch it now."

"Why?" Leonard's brow was furrowed and he was stroking his injured hand. Was he still confused?

"While you did an exemplary job of performing fellatio..."

"Thanks."

"You’re welcome. I believe in giving credit where credit is due. However, you should be prepared for any situation that may arise," Leonard was staring at him with an open mouth, "Please leave the bathroom, Leonard."

He hit the door jamb again but this time he made it all the way out the door. Sheldon turned on the sink.

 

Leonard's legs felt like jell-o. Was Sheldon suggesting...? No way. He just wanted Leonard to be well informed so he could bring home a linear electron accelerator for "daddy". He was a high priced tech trick, after all.

He was painfully hard but didn't dare do anything about it. He had no idea if Sheldon was coming back and he didn't want to be (he cringed at the pun as he thought it) caught red handed.

The video was, again, remarkably explicit but surprisingly informative. He tried to focus on the logistics and not the ripped abs or the freakishly large penises or the obscene noises.

He could hear Sheldon's voice echoing in his head. He was sure he would hear those moans for the rest of his life. Sheldon had pulled his hair and moaned his name while Leonard had sucked him off...

What the hell? Leonard unzipped his pants and gave himself a few strokes before Sheldon came barging back into the room. Leonard pulled his legs up and tried to look studious.

"Leonard!" He knew from the disapproving tone he was busted. "Mr. Barinski will be in town tomorrow night. There is no time to waste in self-abuse."

Leonard felt a blush spreading across his entire body. It was his own fault. He'd given in to baser instincts and now Sheldon was going to make him watch porn for the rest of the night and rap him on the knuckles if he tried to get off in a way that didn't bring money into the department.

Sheldon sat on the bed next to Leonard for the duration of the film. When it was done he asked Leonard if he felt sufficiently prepared for penetrative intercourse with another male.

"Sure, why not? Shouldn't you be working on your revisions for your article for Particle Physics Quarterly?"

"That can wait until we've secured the funding for my linear electron accelerator and maybe a new laminating machine."

"You are not pimping me out so you can laminate your restraining orders. Just pay to have it done at Kinkos!"

"I sense you're feeling tense."

"You can read me like a book."

Sheldon smiled fondly, entirely missing the sarcasm, "I suppose I can. We should disrobe."

Leonard watched as Sheldon began to take off his pants.

"Wait. Are we going to have sex?"

Sheldon heaved an exasperated sigh, "Obviously. Now take your clothes off. My bed time is in two hours and I haven't eaten dinner yet."

 

Leonard dropped the bottle of lubricant and smacked his head looking for it but otherwise, things were going pretty smoothly. They were both naked and Sheldon was letting Leonard put his tongue anywhere he wanted. His roommate was lying on his back, his legs spread invitingly, with a look of pure terror on his face.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this, Sheldon? We don't have to or you can 'do' me. Or I could just go down on you again and, you know, abuse myself."

The offer was sincere but Leonard was nearly knocked over with lust when Sheldon said, "Less talk, more action."

He took his time preparing Sheldon, using the time to kiss every available inch of his infuriating roommate. He wondered if Sheldon sensed the shift in the balance of power that was happening. Leonard had spent years shoring up his defenses against Sheldon. He had focused on all the ways Sheldon annoyed him and had pretended to find no appeal in his roommate's occasional sweetness and not to be moved by his much more frequent bouts of madness.

Now that he was kissing the back of Sheldon's knee, it was hard to pretend he didn't adore the bag of crazy that was Sheldon. From day one he had been at the mercy of a brilliant lunatic with dangerously blue eyes and the kind of candor that made you want to kiss and/or kill him. If Sheldon realized how easily he could control Leonard now... He'd better learn to enjoy throat singing.

Speaking of throat singing. Leonard took Sheldon's partially erect member in his mouth and hummed.

"Oh, sweet Jesus!"

Maybe he'd have some bargaining power after all.

He gave a few more hums in hopes of maintaining his right to shower in the apartment (as long as he washed his feet first) before moving into position. Sheldon looked nervous but he was clearly as enthusiastic about their endeavor as Leonard. The first hint of pressure from Sheldon's tight ring of muscle was nearly enough to do Leonard in. Even through the latex sheath, the tight heat was agonizingly good. He took his time, letting Sheldon adjust to the intrusion. Soon enough Sheldon was pulling at his hips and growling, "more".

Growling!

Leonard reminded himself that Sheldon was trying to pimp him out for equipment. Sheldon sprayed him in the face with Lysol when he sneezed.

Sheldon also said things like, "We're best friends and I've got your back, Jack."

He sucked at Sheldon's neck as he pressed his way inside. Sheldon was gripping his arms almost painfully.

"Is it okay, Sheldon?"

Sheldon looked exasperated so Leonard began to thrust.

"Leonard."

He needed Sheldon's noise cancelling headphones.

"You are doing...Oh good Lord... remarkably well."

"Thanks, Shelly."

"Can you shift a little to the left?"

He did and Sheldon threw his head back and said something like "Ack." He kept thrusting into that same spot as Sheldon wrapped his long legs around his waist and clutched his arms in a white knuckled grip.

He thought about cereal organized by fiber content but it didn't help. At the moment there was nothing about Sheldon that he'd consider changing. He was perfect just as he was, especially when he was red faced and whimpering Leonard's name like a mantra.

Sheldon whimpered "harder" and Leonard cheerfully obliged. It wasn't until Sheldon's body began to tense in orgasm that Leonard realized he'd never touched his roommate's cock to help him along. Imagining a lecture from Sheldon on his failure of technique helped him hold off until he felt Sheldon's semen spray against his stomach. He finally gave in fully to the sensation that was Sheldon and came with a guttural moan.

He collapsed onto his best friend. Sheldon was sweaty and sticky. He had done this to Sheldon. He hadn't even used his hands and he'd made Sheldon Cooper come while fucking him. Now was the time he normally woke up feeling embarrassed and unable to look his roommate in the eye over breakfast.

When he was able to collect himself and pull out, he rolled off his friend but stayed flush against him. He'd enjoy Sheldon's indulgence of his touch as long as possible.

"So... Did I perform to your standards?' He was joking but also fishing for some reassurance that Sheldon had enjoyed the experience as much as he. God knows he'd had ample reinforcement during the act but he was always nervous in the moments after orgasm, afraid he'd over estimated his partner's reactions.

Sheldon heaved a sigh. "I'm afraid it's irrelevant now."

"What do you mean, irrelevant?" He was feeling nervous again.

"I'm afraid I can't let you engage in coitus with Mr. Barinski. Being aware of the biology behind my current feelings of possessiveness does nothing to ease the irrational anger I feel at the idea of that man putting his hands on you."

Leonard laughed aloud. "You're feeling possessive of me because I made you orgasm?"

"It's a bit more complicated than that but the fact is, you are mine and I am no longer willing to share."

Leonard hid his grin in Sheldon's side. The fact Sheldon looked annoyed made the declaration all the more potent. He was Sheldon's. Who knew?

"You're a terrible pimp."

"Hmm," Sheldon stared at the ceiling thoughtfully, "I wonder if Rajesh has considered a homosexual dalliance in exchange for material goods.."

"You're not pimping Raj." Sheldon looked ready to argue. "And you sure as hell aren't training him! I'm feeling possessive myself."

Leonard had to move until he was nose to nose with Sheldon to read his expression (he really needed to give contacts another try) but he liked what he saw. He kissed Sheldon on the nose and let him go take a shower.

He didn't have the heart to tell Sheldon it was a waste of time because he was going to be getting sweaty and sticky again in about half an hour. He still needed to work on his skills as the "receiving" partner. Leonard wanted to be well-rounded.