It's getting dark outside, must be around eight at night; Tae and Yoongi are sitting in Yoongi's father's red van, parked behind the town mall-their usual spot. The older takes a long drag of the joint the two are sharing, with his light hair sweatily matted on his forehead, black roots growing out and Taehyung can only think how goddamn beautiful he is, how he always manages to look absolutely flawless without even putting in any effort.
The atmosphere between them is not tense per se,it never is with the two but what it is, is awkward. Ever since Yoongi revealed to him that his position in the music society of their high school and playing music at clubs, part time isn't exactly taking him anywhere in the field, Tae had been worried. A week later, Yoongi's plans of dropping out of school in order to move to Seoul to pursue a full time career in music made Tae's stomach churn nervously.
He has not been the same since. A part of Taehyung despises himself for being selfish, for thinking about being lonely, for associating his fear of abandonment, loss and burdening Yoongi with the association of his mother's cruelty.
He has not seen his best friend this happy ever- a part of him wants to be the reason behind it and despises himself for having such thoughts. He takes the joint from Yoongi and smokes, wanting to momentarily forget the woes of being left behind by the only person in his life who matters, wants to ask him why Tae is not getting on a train with him the next morning- why there is no place for him in his new life that will take himtowards his dreams- he swears he won't take too much space.
Instead he asks, "When do you leave tomorrow?"
"9 AM.", Yoongi answers huffing and letting out a cloud of smoke.
After spending some time together the two leave for the diner they have visited for years, eating fries and Coke for what probably could be the last time they visit this place together.
Tae wants to say so many things but the his throat is tight-he cannot get a word out; instead he holds Yoongi's hand and tells him he is happy for him,perhaps convincing himself. They walk back to Yoongi's car and he drops Tae to his house for what could be the last time. Tae waves to Yoongi and stares at his red car longingly for what could be the last of the overused van he would see, till he can't see it anymore. Later that night, the younger gets a text from Yoongi.
I'll miss u
Wish u cud come 2 x
Tae almost reveals to Yoongi that he wishes it too and he could just ask him to accompany him to Seoul but rebukes himself at the last moment going over in his head how Yoongi is his friend and of course he would say that to Tae, he did not mean it, he was only being polite, he didn't need a 15yr old good for nothing naive idiot to accompany him going around recording studios trying to make execs give his demos a listen. So, instead, he sends:
You're real soft, you know, hyung.
He cries himself to sleep- the feeling of loneliness, the fear of being abandoned, being left alone by the only person he loves and the absolute helplessness that accompanies it.
He wakes up at 6 AM, contemplates seeing Yoongi off at the station, having to suffer heart break all over again,having to live feeling unwanted, lonely, scared and helpless again after last night.
But Yoongi didn't sign up for this: he only wanted to be his friend,he did not ask for these feelings that were in Tae's heart, he didn't want to loved or burdened with the sole responsibility of someone's happiness but life is unfair.
Tae did not ask to fall in love with his best friend either-he did not want his whole being to be engulfed by the older boy, he didn't want to lose his breath everytime he saw him, he didn't ask for this yet he was suffering. Life isn't fair- has never been especially fair to Taehyung.
His mother left him when he was five , with his father, who, then, left him with his grandmother and aunt. He had a fairly well- adjusted childhood growing up on a farm with her, until she left him when he was thirteen.
He met Yoongi in the neighbourhood when he had moved in with his grandmother- he smiles at the memories of their early childhood days when things were simpler- when he wasn't in love with his best friend but who is he kidding? He never stood a chance. He fell in love with Min Yoongi,the petite,pale boy the moment he set eyes on him.
He dozes off thinking about the older boy and his fair coloured locks and his beautiful eyes and porcelain skin and wakes up a little over two hours later,in a cold sweat of having missed Yoongi's train and wanting to desperately see him one last time.
He leaves his house in a hoodie and sweatpants and catches the subway. He reaches the station with few minutes until Yoongi's train to leave the platform. He asks the counter in the front about the 9 o'clock train that is leaving for the big city.
He misses the train by a mere three minutes and Yoongi by a whole lifetime; he wonders if Yoongi will remember to call him when he reaches,if his calls will lessen once he adjusts,he wonders if Yoongi will completely forget about a young from his hometown who could not compare to the coolness or confidence of Yoongi's new artistic friends from the city.
He wonders and he fears how much of it will actually come true. He leaves the station heavy hearted, returns to his mundane life, the same yet different without that familiar shadow always behind him, protecting him and keeping him happy.
He goes back to school the next day, spends his class day dreaming about leaving this town-this life. He returns home, pulls his phone out, texts Yoongi back:
Tae,i got myself a lodge. D w I'm ok x
I'm so happy for you,hyung. Keep me updated.
Slowly, Yoongi's texts become scarce and calls, even more so. Tae starts helping his aunt around the house, trying to distract himself from the phone that is constantly buzzing from messages asking him if he wants a loan or he would like to recharge his internet pack; none from the light haired boy who promised to update him about his new life in the big bad city. He waits and waits for Yoongi to communicate with him and a call every three days becomes a text every week and a video chat every month becomes a Facebook message dropped every two or three months,if he is lucky.
But Taehyung understands, Yoongi was busy, he was working hard-didn't success always come to those who are willing to make sacrifices,willing to put their all into it? But Taehyung did not negotiate putting his heart at stake for Yoongi's success, see he never asked for it.
His phone glints with a notification and he immediately opens it; it's only the second day of the new year,it's been months since Yoongi has left Daegu and has been weeks since he last talked to Tae. The message says:
Hpy bltd bday,Tae. Hope u hd a grt 1 x