Chapter 1: |One| There's No Room In This Hell.
I sit in Dr.Glenn's, Stale, Office. Arms crossed with a frown etched onto my face. We've been sitting here a total of Twenty minutes and forty-five seconds. The only thing saving me from what would be deafening silence is her small analog clock that sat atop her old, chipping, wooden desk.
She hasn't said a word since she called me in for my session. Which I found to be particularly strange since every other time she's come at me with a barrage of questions. The squeak of her old desk chair caused my eyes to snap up from her clock to her tired eyes. But, there was another emotion hidden in there, that I couldn't quite read.
Fear? Worry? Caution? For what reason would she have any of those emotions? Had I done something I don't remember. I have a habit of doing that so I wouldn't be surprised if that was the reason.
I had no clue. But we kept eye contact. For Thirty-six seconds. Until she looked down at the folder she had sitting on her desk in front of her. It wasn't my folder. No, no one in this place has let me near my folder... so why was there a folder on her desk?
I stared at her expectantly, eyebrows raised and mouth pressed into a thin line. She opened her mouth and I sat up a little straighter, awaiting the first words in what would now be Twenty-nine minutes and Ten seconds.
But she quickly closed it again and I slouched back in my seat. Wishing this would now be over because if we're not talking about why I'm in here, I have no reason to be in this baby-puke-green room.
I sighed loudly, averting my gaze to outside. It was dull and gray, much like my life inside this institution. This place lacked serious amounts of color. Everything was either an off-white, gray, or a stale blue color.
"Do... You know why I called you here?" Her voice startled me, Coming out scratchy from its lack of use for the past Thirty-Two minutes and Four seconds. "Finally she talks" I announce, throwing my arms up, A small smirk played around the corner of her mouth, and for a split second you could see her eyes crinkle in happiness.
But it soon dissolved back into her bored, tired, unemotional look. And that worried me... I didn't even get a giggle. "What did I unknowingly do this time?" I mumbled looking down.
"You probably blacked out and punched a nurse or orderly or doctor again. you psycho."
I frowned deeper at his comment.
Dr.Glenn gasped "Nothing, Gerard. Why would you think that?" Her voice now held concern and was slightly strained. I shrugged and met her gaze again "I assumed by your lack of communication and the unreadable expression and emotion you are possessing I had done something wrong like I usually do. She went to reply but I beat her to it "Who's file is that. I know it's not mine. You nor anyone else let me anywhere in its vicinity." I pondered.
"That's what I called you down here for, Gerard." She averted her gaze back to the file. I uncrossed my arms fully now. Swallowing hard because my mouth ran dry from the sudden change of her aura. The tension in the room was thicker than it had been forty-five minutes ago exactly. My heart thudded heavily in my chest, making it feel tighter than normal.
I sat there quietly. Awaiting her to continue speaking. Still wearing that damn inexplicable emotion. She looked at me like I was a wounded animal who was about to die. Which certainly didn't settle the feeling bubbling in my chest at all.
She took a sharp inhale of a breath through her nose and picked up the file. The silence was back, and my ears were ringing with the voice of him nothing, comprehensible, but, never the less, still there. I think he was laughing.
With a deep shaking breath, I willed myself to look at the file name. But I was instantly confused... Not because I didn't see my name. I knew that wouldn't happen. But because there was a name of a patient that wasn't even listed here. I've been here long enough and snooped around enough to learn everyone's name. and that... that wasn't anyone who was here.
What confused me more was the fact she was about to read another patients file to me. "Who's file is that? I mean their name is bold across the front but... who are they?"
"This will be our new patient." She spoke nonchalantly. Not looking up. Her eyes were wide with that damn emotion I'm not able to pick up on. "Why. Am. I. Here." I demanded. She placed the file down.
"Were out of vacant rooms, Gerard." She sighed. How is that my problem? What does she want me to do about it? I looked at her waiting for her to carry on. When she didn't speak I sighed "Usually a lack of response initiates the thought that the other person doesn't know what you're implying. Just for future reference."
"Gerard. Your room is the only room that has an extra bed. You are the only patient that doesn't room with someone." I nodded "Wasn't there a reason for that? Just like there is a reason you guys have never told me why I'm here, or what's wrong with me, and why you won't ever let me near my file." I questioned bitterly. "Initially, yes. But you have improved. So The new boy will be rooming with you." She said cautiously.
I choked on my spit "What?!"
"they did this on purpose. he's here to kill you, Gerard! you are too much work, a lost cause. hell, they won't even tell you why you're in here. they want you dead."
I faintly heard my name being repeated. In a worried tone. Soon my vision cleared and ears stopped ringing, I was able to see Dr.Glenn clearly again. "Are you okay?" I sighed with a nod. "I have no choice. And I've been here forty-seven seconds too long. I have to go."
She offered a sad smile and nodded. Watching me leave.
This couldn't be happening.
Chapter 2: I'm not laughing Your not Joking
Already being accused of plagiarizing. COOL! But im not, and would never. Guess youll just have to read to believe me.
Things seemed exceptionally dull this morning. The cafeteria was ominously quiet lacking the usual buzz of voices. I sighed to myself and looked out the window, away from my disgusting almost-gray-eggs. They expect me to consume, digest and live off what could be salmonella, that and I was approximately Five minutes and eighteen seconds late. Meaning I couldn't possibly eat, even if they were edible looking.
"Here are your pills, Darlin" Carson, My nurse smiled down at me with her old wrinkled face, and curly gray locks. "Not eatin' today?" She examined my full plate of questionable bacon, Gray eggs, and soggy toast. "Not particularly in the mood for food poisoning," I mumbled mindlessly. "Will you at least take your medication today" Her hopeful tone almost begging me to say yes.
"What good will these little capsules actually accomplish?" (Three minutes and five seconds) I hear her choppy sigh "I'll take them" I finally decided. "But I will not eat. It's pointless now because one- I wouldn't finish, considering I only have Fifteen Minutes exactly left, and two- I must leave Three minutes and forty-five seconds early to get to the group session for Ten O-clock on the dot." I explained, barely even acknowledging what I was saying.
With that final sentence, I popped the bitter pill into my mouth and washed it down with my almost-clear-orange juice. Seriously this place was supposed to get you healthy and stable. This food barely passes as edible.
My eyes widened when I realized my thought process had been interrupted. I looked up at the analog clock to my left and relaxed, It had only been Five minutes and twenty seconds since Carson has arrived at my table. "You're excused now, Carson. I can handle sitting here on my own" I offered, what I hoped, was a caring smile.
The sun peaked, only slightly, through the forboding-almost-black clouds. Causing the freshly fallen snow, that I hadn't realized fell, to sparkle. How dare Dr.Glenn force me to share a room. For all this time I have been forbidden any sort of human communication with the other patients. We never talked about what got me in this facility, or when I'd get out, or even what I was taking my pills for.
With that thought invading my mind I stand. Chair scraping against the tattered-worn-down-floor. "There was no need for that, Gerard" David scowled, showing up beside me.
The neon lights of the common room precipitated an almost mind-splitting-headache. That and the whining of Stephanie didn't help with the agony what-so-ever. She was on about how Jeffree took her applesauce the night prior. I found this incredulously ludicrous. These sessions are meant to talk about real-life-problems. Not lack of sauced apples.
"Stephanie." Dr.Alexis sighed, trying to mask her annoyance. "We're here to talk about what's bothering you, Not missing desserts." Her bored tone most likely matched my face. Stephanie let out a rather grotesque sob and disgustingly sniffed all her snot, making a nauseating snorting sound "That is absolutely appalling. There is kleenex right beside you." I snapped out before I could stop myself earning a glare from Dr.Alexis.
Fifty minutes and forty-six seconds down, Ten Minutes and fourteen seconds to go. Then I can get to my room and bask in my loneliness until it will be forever invaded by some new kid, whose name I didn't bother remembering.
"What about you Gerard?" Dr.Alexis pressed, snapping me out of my oh-so-important thoughts. Doesn't she know by now that I'm always planning things out and it's incredibly dangerous to interrupt? I met her intense gaze with my own, bored-and-slightly-annoyed one. "Dr.Glenn has informed me that I will have a roommate," I mumbled emotionlessly. That was my problem, I lack serious emotion. I just don't feel. I don't cry, I don't feel joy, anything.
"Anger" He spoke. "The only thing you feel is anger, You're a psycho" He taunted menacingly. I hummed at that, Knowing he was right.
"Okay, How does that make you feel?" Oh the therapist question, how lovely. I rolled my tired eyes "Annoyed and pissed for a number of reasons." She nodded "Reasons being?" I clenched my jaw and ran a hand through my short white hair. "She didn't say a time. It has to be my room. She never told me what the persons like. So its all of your guy's fault if you see me dead one day." Dr.Alexis frowned. "Now if you'll excuse me. I have approximately one minute and thirty seconds to get to my room."
She nodded fearfully. Probably half expecting me to throw a chair or some shit.
"It's probably because you've killed. They also probably wiped your memory. They're going to wipe it completely and then kill you!" I cringed at his voice. Then cringed harder when he showed up beside me "Not. Now. Steven." My voice growled, "Aw, c'mon Gee!" He skipped around me "You gonna get mad? Gonna kick someone's ass because I'm talking to you? Gonna get locked in solitary again because of it?!" His voice was getting higher in frequency the more his questions arisen.
"Enough!" I almost yelled. Grateful that no-one was around to hear my not-so-quite demand toward someone nobody else can see. I know that much. Schizophrenia. That's all they'd tell me and I'm self-aware enough to know he's not real. But also just crazy enough to let it affect me.
I decided against going to my room and made a well-needed-visit to Dr.Glenn who was taken aback when her door crashed open, She stood up alertly, eyes wide with the expectancy of an outburst from me. I didn't know why until I caught a glance of my demeanor. Jaw clenched balled fists and an intimidating stance.
I let my whole body relax as much as I could and unclenched my hands. "Everything okay... Gerard?" She asked tentatively as to not provoke a negative reaction from me. "Time" I requested, she furrowed her eyebrows "Ten-Fifteen" she announces. I shook my head and her eyes widened "Days, Hours, Minutes, Seconds until the new kid gets here." I demanded desperately, shocked by the amount of emotion I possessed right now. She slouched slightly, concern forming all over her face.
Her eyes wandered around the room looking for an answer "He's here now isn't he" I cried. She sighed and I swear I could have passed out then and there. "Three hours, Fifty-four minutes and... Thirty seconds" I relaxed a little "Kay." I whispered, "Are you going to be alright, Gerard?" She took a few steps towards me and I nodded "Yes, I Will be now. Thank you Dr.Glenn" She nodded and offered a heartwarming smile in which I tried to return, but, to no avail.
I then made my way down the narrow hallway, to what would be my last few hours alone in my room.
Chapter 3: They Say Newcomers Have a Certain Smell
My room was probably the least entertaining. The only thing keeping me from pure insanity was the cracks in the ceiling and, of course, keeping track of time.
Speaking of which, I had approximately one-hour remaining from my original three... and I couldn't spend any more time in this dingy-old-musty room. I needed to leave the vicinity. Standing up, I exited the room. The light was brighter out in the hall-way causing my eyes to burn at its florescent tone.
Making my way to the institutions court-yard only to be interrupted by Dr.Alexis "Where are you off to, Gerard?" she inquired with an arched eyebrow. I sighed in irritation "The court-yard" I answered, in more of a questioning tone. She frowned at me "Dr.Glenn has instructed me to keep you inside" she spoke in a rather weary tone "Why the fuck is that?!" I snapped, crossing my arms "You won't like the answer dear" she was losing her confident persona "Tell. Me." I demanded, trying to not sound threatening. "She said you weren't stable enough" She spoke calmly.
That stung... it shouldn't have but it did. I wasn't that crazy that I couldn't be outside, was I? "You're allowed in the activities room though" she offered with a smile. That sure beats going back to my prison-cell of a room. On the way, I spotted a new doctor, with light-brown-hair and glasses... who looked vaguely familiar... and with a wave of unrecognizable-nostalgia, I could feel my mood switching.
The activities room was surprisingly ghosted apart from a vertically challenged boy sporting an-almost-buzz-cut. Walking by him I was hit with his dizzying aroma. He smelled of vanilla, smokes, and coffee... he was still wearing his outside clothes. I watched as Dr.Glenn talked, to who I'm guessing are his parents, as he emoted an annoyed façade.
I realized I had been over staring, by that I mean almost a full minute so, it was no wonder that he sneered at me. I felt my face heat from anger or possible embarrassment? This was probably the one I had to share my room with. Fucking great... I looked away from the rather-short-oddly-cute boy and walked over to the table closest to the window.
And here comes the dissociation... I said to myself... Suddenly losing all motivation for anything. When I get like this, and only, when I get like this, I am an over-emotional-catastrophe. I never cry I've learned to shut-that-out. "Ah, Gerard!" Dr.Glenn announce happily once she finally noticed me.
I've been out of my room for a total of fifty minutes and ever since I left my moods been deteriorating. All starting with not being allowed in the courtyard, and ending in Mr-new-doctor. Her smile quickly melted into a look of worry once she took in my no doubt distraught face "Just give me one second, Frank" She called over her shoulder. I cast my attention toward a crumb on the table top, avoiding her pleading stare.
"Are you alright?" she inquired. I couldn't find the strength to answer. we sat in silence for one minute and thirty seconds before she spoke up again "I need you to use your words, Gerard." She informed, "Something... is wrong." I conclude, brokenly. mindlessly picking at the dead-skin around my nails. Her face dropped knowingly. Confusing me slightly, but I was in no mood to analyze, and frankly, I didn't care.
With a more-worried-than-normal look, she picked up her walkie-talkie. I knew the new guy, Frank, was staring. He had been for the past two minutes and thirty-seven seconds. In any other circumstance, I would have snapped. But, his look was that of sympathy, and I guess that made a difference.
"Dr.Wyatt. I'm going to need you to show Frank around. I have a situation" She spoke, shakenly. "I'm not going to snap..." I mumbled guiltily... She placed her hand on mine. "I know hon."
"I- Is everything okay?" the boy asked quizzically. Who had now been staring at me for almost the full five minutes and twenty-two seconds... "Everything is going to be fine, Frank." Dr.Wyatt will show you around" Dr.Glenn whispered in a soft tone. Finally, he switched his attention to somewhere that wasn't burning a hole in my skull.
With the help of Dr.Glenn, I was lead into her, stale, office once again... sitting down on the same-old-spring chair. I kept the staring contest with my hands going. "Gerard." Her voice came out hushed. In a tone that told me this had most certainly happened before.
My heart almost gave out at her next sentence. "Am I speaking to Gerard right now?" the question made my mind cloud over with overwhelming anxiety. I gasped at the inexplicable question.
I finally broke the stare-down with my fingers and looked into her interrogating eyes. I could tell she was examining me closely. "Why... why would you ask that?" my voice came out, no-where near its maximum capacity. I could feel myself start to shake. I hated times like this... they always distracted me from keeping track of time. "Nevermind." I rushed out breathlessly "How long has it been" My voice shook.
I was fighting a losing battle in trying not to cry. Dr.Glenn turned her clock around and studied it... "Four minutes and thirteen seconds since I brought you in here" I nodded. "So I am speaking to Gerard?" again with this question. Never the less I nodded.
"What happened, Gerard?" she didn't have a demanding tone if anything she was worried beyond belief... she leaned forward and rested her arms on her old-chipped-wooden-desk. "I saw someone... or I thought I did... he had a name tag... I don't remember. He was a doctor... wait did he look like a doctor? What do I know I'm crazy... If I could just remember hi-" "Take a breath, Gerard" Dr.Glenn was now in front of me. Looking more and more concerned as the minutes went on. Six minutes and thirty-four seconds.
I gasped a couple times, my wide eyes searching every corner of Dr.Glenn's room. "Do... do we have a new doctor?" I choked out. Praying her response would be a yes. I watched as her eyes widened slightly "I'm so sorry Gerard" she rushed out "I should have informed you when he was coming" She spoke guiltily. "You have a new weekly doctor, to asses how your medication is adjusting.
Despite the fact, my brain was screaming at me to not say what I was going to... I did it anyway "Why... why does he look familiar?" I saw something flicker in her eyes quickly before it dissipated. "Let's get you back to your room okay?" "What about lunch" My question fell on deaf ears though.
I welcomed the tranquility... after having been over-stimulated, quiet was essential. But... in this facility. It never lasts more than six minutes... until there is some-sort of disruptive-commotion arisen this time being two of the staff members.
"I don't care he Isn't stable enough yet!" one voice yelled dramatically "Stable or not I need to see him" the other countered. In a demanding tone, "I worked exceptionally hard to be able to get this job here, him as my patient."
I lie there emotionlessly... feeling drained. Not even bothering to decode the argument. Twenty-eight minutes and fifteen seconds since I've come in here... I was relieved that they had agreed to give me a clock.
"Then just wait until Friday Mr.Way... I'm begging you. He is not in the right mindset to assimilate this right now." the voice pleaded desperately. "Fine, I will give it until Friday, that's it! Any longer and I will make a complaint that you're keeping me from my patients."
The conversation died there and I could hear the sound of heels hitting the floor as they walked away.
Back to silence, which of course was interrupted by my door opening I sighed. Until that oh-so-calming aroma filled my senses.
Vanilla, smokes, and coffee... it was Frank. "H-Hey" his voice was nothing above a whisper "I'm... my name's Frank Iero" his voice was like that of an angel.
"Get off your dream. He probably thinks you are stupid and ugly he probably doesn't want to be your friend, let alone share a room with you." Steven taunted menacingly
"I understand if you don't want to talk right now" His voice held a certain sincerity to it and I mentally thanked him.
Mustering up all the strength I could, I turned my head to give him what was probably a broken smile "My name's Gerard Way" My voice was rough due to the lack of use for what was now, probably an hour. I'm glad I spoke though because the smile I received was enough to make me actually feel something... and that is a miracle on its own considering it was the first genuinely pleasant emotion I've experienced in a while, so long ago I can't even calculate it.
"So... what do we do around here, besides, taking orders from the staff and taking medication?" he inquired, with a small-cute-blush painted on his cheeks "I usually draw or write, sometimes they let me out in the courtyard but..." I trailed off remembering what started my downward spiral of emotions.
"But... what?" He edged on, my eyebrows furrowed "not stable enough." I said bluntly... I guess a little too bluntly, judging by the look on his face... not realizing I came off as impolite.
"I'm sorry,'' I whispered sincerely.
"It's alright, I was being invasive... I shouldn't have asked that" the conversation kind-of tapered off there... and it was back to silence.
Eight minutes of it to be exact. Before Frank spoke again "Fuck if this is how it is all the time I might just go more insane than they think I already am." He groaned out, flopping down on his bed. "You don't have to stay in here" I mumbled dryly. He sat up a questioning look on his face "There is an activity room, you know that. You were standing there with Dr.Glenn." I continued. Avoiding eye contact.
I had roughly two hours until dinner, where I would have to socialize, eat... and that just seemed way too much.
"But... I don't want to leave you alone..." he mumbled, I rolled my head to look at him again, confusion was written all over my face... he must have caught on "You look like you're going through something serious right now, and, I'm no expert but I can sense when something might happen, and catastrophe is written all over you" he explained "I'll be okay" I countered, wanting nothing more than to just... I didn't even know. I needed someone but I couldn't place them and I only started missing them when that damned doctor passed me today...
I heard the creak of the old-rusted-metal-door and sighed again "Mr.Iero?" the voice called... thank god. Nothing against him but I was being overexerted with all this talking and shit.
"Yes?" He looked away from me and toward the voice "Dr.Glenn wants to see you for a moment" the explained, "Okay... you going to be alright, Gerard?" Frank looked back at me in a distressed expression, I merely nodded and waved my hand lazily in dismissal.
The moment my door closed, though... I wished he hadn't left.
"We both know you know who that doctor is. Use that brain of yours and figure it out" Steven sneered from the spot he had taken atop Franks bed the now-messy-off-yellow sheets hanging off the side. "I honestly don't, now leave me alone." I demanded "But you do," He said in a sing-song voice "Think long and hard" he drug out the word 'long' dramatically "Use that useless brain of yours and think!" I shook my head quickly, closing my eyes tight in hopes he'd vanish... but you can't escape your own head, now can you?
Then he was gone again like he was never even there... I swear it was exactly one minute and four seconds before I was interrupted again.
A knocking on my door caused me to jump. It came rhythmically... slightly annoying me "Gerard!" oh great it's Sebastian... "Gerard it's important!! They're talking about you, everyone!" reluctantly I pushed myself into a sitting position. Before standing up and scuffing my way over to the door that barricaded me in here.
Swinging it open I was met with the distraught face of the scrawny-bug-eyed-ginger that is Sebastian Larson. "What is it, Sebastian?" I asked in an exasperated tone "They're talking" He rushed out, looking around "Who's talking?" I inquired "The whole hospital!" He cried... Now I was confused "Someone's here for you." He explained slowly... he's wasting my time. This whole fifty-one seconds could have been spent counting cracks.
"No one has told me who, because they know I'll tell you. But everyone knows they are here." he paused for a moment "and they are here for you."
Chapter 4: I cant eat, I cant sleep
The news Sebastian informed me of was running through my restless mind. I had been laying in this bed for three hours and forty-three seconds. Listening to the soft-rhythmic snoring from Frank who was completely oblivious to my current situation. I had been abnormally paranoid ever-since his words were uttered.
"They're here for you."
A shiver ran up my spine, sending a spiral of nausea to churn in my already-uneasy stomach.
A snap, or, what I presumed to be a snap... pushed my mind into overdrive and the next thing I knew I was sitting up gasping for the sudden lack of oxygen.
"You hear that, Gerard?!" Steven hissed "Somone is here for your pathetic ass" he taunted again. But he wasn't the only voice... no. The room was filled with, long fingers and glowing ominous eyes. I choked on what should have been a scream.. but no noise was emitted.
"I've told you this whole-time" His voice gritted "You and that dull-witted mind of yours refused to comprehend what I was telling you"
My whole being was shaking now. the overwhelming anxiety, gripping at my already-enclosing throat.
"Your. Parents." His voice was sharp. "What about them?" I inquired dryly, trying to be quiet-as-possible. "You were told not to speak of this until he was deemed ready." another voice interfered which alerted me. Looking around with bewildered eyes I tried to focus in on the time, but my mind was hazed over in pure anguish a scream I didn't know I let out, filled the once silent-room... faintly I heard another voice uttering my name but I was too discombobulated to focus on the voice.
"Gerard!" The voice came, clearer this time... I registered the touch of somebody's hands gripping my wrists but that was about it. I still heard the chattering from-inside my still-spinning mind distracting me from reality. Which irked me.
"Gl-Glenn" I hear myself stutter out in an-almost-wheezing sound. "It four in the morning, Gerard" the voice sounded defeated like I had just insulted their dead grandmother.
Mustering up all the strength I had I forced myself to bring said, person into my line of sight... it was Frank, A anguished look painted on his oh-so-pretty face, my wrists enclosed in his grasp. "Plea-Please!" I merely choked out, pleading in an-almost-screeching voice. "Ger-Gerard, I doh-don't think she's awake!" he responded brokenly.
I started shaking uncontrollably "They won't stop!" I screamed, my voice giving out half-way-through, Frank's hands moved from around my wrists to encircling his arms around my shaking frame. I gripped tightly onto his-rough-scratchy scrubs and buried my face into his neck... and for the first time since I got locked in this place, I let out a heart-wrenching sob... once I started, I didn't stop...
"Gee..." Frank's voice came desperately, in that damn concerned tone everyone's been using around me. "It's going to be okay" he whispered.
"Your parents are the reason you are in here Gerard! Fucking remember something, stop suppressing it!" - "Don't you force him to remember, I'm not letting him shut himself down again. We're not having a repeat from last-time you pulled this!" - "Beck, stay out of this, it's between me and this half-wit who can't fucking grow-up enough to accept what has happened to him" - "Steven! You are putting a strain on his well-being right now" - "He's doing that to himself"
"ENOUGH, STOP STOP STOP!" I ripped away from Franks euphoric embrace and weaved my fingers into my-short-white hair, a look of pure horror plastered onto Franks flawless features. "I. Need. Her!" I gasped out imploringly, my mind was screaming at me, I caught sight of the time and let out a pained cry noticing that it had been well over two hours since this all started.
Wait... that means it was five! Dr.Glenn would be in her office now!
Still, in my state of pure insanity, I shot up and raced for the door in a fit of terror. I had not one but two voices, arguing... about my parents, who, I couldn't remember... I heard my name being called, by who I'm guessing was Frank... but I couldn't be bothered by him again, I needed Dr.Glenn.
Pushing open her door open I was met with the dull glow of her yellow table lamp... making the petite-room appear homely in contrast to, the still-dark exterior of the entire building.
She froze momentarily when she noticed me, but instantly moved towards me when she fully took in my stance "Gerard. What happened?!" her voice shook, obviously not expecting my early arrival. "I need answers" I practically sobbed "Gerard... your crying," she observed an agonizing look crossed her-once-calm features "Answeres!" I pleaded in a guttural tone.
"Okay... okay. Breathe, Gerard" her hands were placed on my shaking shoulders. Guiding me to sit down, this time on a small love-seat, that was exceptionally more comfortable than her old-worn-spring chair. "What do you need answers to?" she inquired "A lot." I deadpanned, now drained of all emotions.
"We have until eight, dear... I will try my hardest to answer them. I looked up into her welcoming eyes "What, exactly is wrong with me?" I questioned in a watery voice "I'm aware of the schizophrenia... but. They... know things I don't" my voice trembled.
Dr.Glenn sighed heavily "D.I.D" she sighed "What?" she walked away from me and pulled out a file... my file... "Dissociative Identity Disorder." she informed "You dissociate to protect yourself for certain scenarios. You will yourself to not remember distressing events..." she continued "What... one of them... they said something about my parents... something about me needing to remember."
Never in my whole six years of being here had, I felt so vulnerable. I always sported the I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude. Shutting all emotions except anger, out... but my self-confidence has been deteriorating... and I was left with this foreign feeling.
Her eyes widened and she froze "I need you to understand..." she started, no doubt looking for the right words to elucidate. "You... can't handle that stress right now." she looked up at me with knowing eyes "I can tell already that this second alter arising in your subconscious, fighting with the first. Making its self-known... is already putting a strain on your mental health."
I let out a choppy sigh and nodded "Any other questions?" I nodded "One more" she leaned forward, wanting me to continue. "I uh... over-heard you talking last-night... who is Dr.Way?" I uttered out causing her to choke on her sip of coffee "You weren't meant to hear that..." she whispered apologetically, eyes wide with guilt.
She cleared her throat and looked over at me "If you are deemed stable enough by Friday, we will all sit down, and explain that to you. But nothing further." I looked at her with a worried gaze, nodding my head. "Ti-Time?" my voice wavered "You got in here at quarter to five, it's now... six-sixteen. You've been in here a total of one hour and thirty-one minutes" she responded in a soft tone.
She studied me for a few minutes more until she stood up and placed my file back in the sliding drawer... but I needed to know more... I wanted to know more. But... this was overstimulating enough, I decided against my nosiness and looked away from the file cabinet.
I sat at my table, nearest the window, a dead look on my face. Between getting literally no-sleep last night and the excruciatingly draining panic attack. I no-doubt looked the way I felt.
I stared at the 'french toast' they had served today. Might-as-well just soak a sponge, in sugar water.
"Hey Gerard, you okay?" Frank inquired sitting across from me, causing me to break the staring contest with the gross food in front of me. I cast my attention toward his slightly tired, worried eyes. I merely nodded, looking back down "You're worrying me" he whispered in a tone that pulled on my heart. I snapped my eyes toward his now watery ones "You've only known me for eleven-hours and five minutes..." I countered with a slight frown "still doesn't make me worry any less" he mumbled around a mouthful of grotesque food.
"I'm sorry" I sighed apologetically "I'm just... feeling drained." he nodded understandingly, eyeing me carefully. He went to say something but thank god Carson showed up.
"Good Mornin' boys" she smiled warmly, bringing some-sort of light to this exceedingly dreary day. Winter used to be my favorite. I can remember that much. But ever since I came here life's been dull.
"Sweetheart..." Carson sighed after I had taken my pills "You need to start eatin' this ain't healthy" she stated heartfully "I'm aware." I groaned, she placed a wrinkled hand on my shoulder giving me a pleading look "I can't be bothered today, I'm certain Dr.Glenn made you aware." I unconsciously snapped. She nodded sadly and walked away.
Frank was just staring for the full three minutes and four seconds. I wanted so badly to just feel happy for once. I hated this looming gray-cloud-feeling. "Smile for me, Gee" I heard Frank whisper "I don't like seeing people as down as you look right now" he continued.
I forced a broken smile to humor him before averting my gaze out the window toward the snow-covered-Jersy roads... Christmas was nearing day by day and I hated every passing minute of it. "Christmas is coming!" he cheered happily, an ear-to-ear smile on his face, causing his eyes to crinkle and a little gleam to appear in his eyes.
That notion caused a genuine smile to arise on my stone-cold face "There's that smile!" he beamed happily... I managed to keep that smile there for the remainder of the day, Frank just seemed to radiate a certain kind of inexplicable light that made me capable of feeling an emotion, other than infuriating hate for mankind... and I didn't know how to thank him, because how can you thank someone for just... showing up? you can't but I sure as hell was going to try.
Chapter 5: If you have the chance to pick me up.
I walked aimlessly around the institution in a daze for the remainder of the day... the lack of sleep (and food) getting the upper hand in this situation. The dry air of the interior of this building really made my throat dry but I deemed myself too lazy to walk all the way up to the kitchen, now that I'm in the east wing.
Thankfully nobody had been able to find me since breakfast, which means its been a total of five hours and thirty-five minutes since I've departed from everybody and I wanted it to stay that way. I managed to escape from Franks pitiful glances so I didn't particularly cherish the thought of receiving them from Dr.Glenn or any of the orderlies.
The dark-sky held a distinct amount of dreariness to it causing the interior of the building to seem duller than it usually does... which amplified my already-draining feeling.
"Gerard!" I hear the gleeful shout, of who I pinpointed as, Frank... sullenly I turned around to meet his cheerful-bright eyes, poor kid... little does he know this place will drain him of any content feeling... I nodded my head at him once eye contact was initiated. "Dr.Glenn is like, super worried about you..." he mumbled, losing his joyous tone. I sighed knowingly and averted my gaze back to the courtyard (which I was still banned from) staring out the window longingly. The snow looked so dull without the sun's beauty gleaming down on it.
"Don't you just love the snow?" he gasped adoringly "Snow means Christmas... and that means smiles, love, and cheer" he gushed with endearment. I mused down at him, enjoying the three minutes he's been here, and then started wondering why I would ever want to be separated from his bubbly attitude.
"Why do you enjoy Christmas so much?" I asked curiously... personally I despised the holiday ever since I was placed here. None of my family visits so it's just another day to me. He looked up at me with wondrous eyes "It's just so magical, Gee!" he beamed "and at night, when everything is still... and you look out at the snow with the streetlights shining down on top of it... there's a certain type of serenity emitted." he looked so kid-like. Nothing could kill his spirit.
"Now the more important question is... why don't you like it?" I sighed "to me, its bullshit." he looked hurt by my statement. "Nothing at all ever against you, my spirit was demolished years ago, my parent's nor brother ever came to visit after throwing me in this place..." I mumbled out brokenly "my first Christmas in here... I waited in the visitor's room and watched as all then other patients reunited with loved ones... I waited two hours, fifty minutes and forty-six seconds after the room had cleared out... but they never showed. I did that for three Christmas's after that before I realized I was stuck in here forever, with no family..."
Franks face held the utmost sympathy I'd ever seen "Your family really did that to you?" shock evident in his voice, I nodded shakily "You can spend Christmas with my family this year!" he offered happily, I smiled warmly at his offer "I don't want to impose on your well-earned family-time" I whispered, he shook his head vigorously "That wouldn't be the case at all! I'll ask my Mom when I call tonight!" He exclaimed cheerily.
Then his expression turned serious "Dr.Glenn really wants to speak with you though. She was a wreck when she asked me where you were... she thought you did something." he mumbled "I'll go to her right now then" I concluded. Frank smiled happily and walked me down to her office.
I cautiously opened her door, revealing her stressed expression "Uh... Hi..." I whispered, her head shot up at lightning speed "Gerard!" she gasped out "where did you disappear to for five hours?" she exclaimed, I looked down at her stained-brown-carpet and shrugged "I needed to be alone... and you won't let me outside so... I wandered around the building." She sighed heavily "I was about to call a lockdown." She scolded "anyway, have a seat" she directed, and so, I sat down on the uncomfortable-old-spring chair and started my countdown...
But to my surprise, she started questioning me right away. "How are you feeling?" she asked, no more than sixteen seconds after I sat down. I shrugged "A little better than this morning" I concluded "That's wonderful. Voices?" she questioned I shrugged "Not since early, early this morning" I admitted, she smiled thankfully "That's so good to hear" she smiled "What about hallucinations?" her list of questions carried on, I smiled lightly "Is there really snow on the ground?" she nodded "Okay... and Frank is a real person whom I'm rooming with?" she nodded once more "Lastly... there is a doctor here under the name of Way, whom I will be meeting this Friday?" she smiled and nodded "Then no, no hallucinations that I can think of" she sighed contently "That's perfect. I'm so glad to hear that." she cleared her throat "How have you been sleeping?" I shrugged "I haven't"
This caused her to frown "Why didn't you tell one of us?" I averted my gaze "It's only been for two nights" I countered, hearing her sigh again "I'll talk to Dr. Way about sleep medication. Now... Carson has told me you haven't been eating for the past three days?" I rolled my eyes in disgust "You have seen the food here, right... Carol?" she squinted her eyes at the use of her first name.
"It may not be the most appealing, but you need the food Gerard." she retorted "And what have I told you about my first name" she continued "What did I tell you about our chefs." I challenged "All I ask for is decent food, that's it. I don't complain about not seeing my file, or what the deal with my family is, why I can't remember shit. I don't fight... much... on taking my medication. But I ask for edible meals and its WWIII" I rambled on. Another sigh exited her lungs and she looked at me "Will you be more cooperative if there is better food?" she inquired "That sure would help" I smiled "I'll look into it." I nodded thankfully.
I looked at the time and saw we only had thirteen minutes left... I pondered for a moment before asking my burning question "Dr.Glenn...?" I started quietly, she looked up from her laptop and made eye contact "Yes?" she smiled warmly "May, I please... go out to the courtyard?" I questioned with hopeful eyes "Yes, you have permission to go outside now." I smiled thankfully and stood up. "See you again tomorrow, Dr.Glenn" I watched as she nodded before I left through her honey-brown-door.
Stepping back out into the hallway I sighed happily... which was odd for me. Everything just seemed so much better than they had this morning... considering I was in a full-mental-breakdown. I put that thought behind me though and walked towards the courtyard doors, where I slipped on one of the hospital jackets and ventured outside into the brisk December air.
I always loved the outside, there's a certain simplicity about being outside, I find it calming... even in the dead of winter as I'm stuck in this hospital. I took my usual spot under the gazebo and looked around at the snow-covered land. It was completely dead just the way I liked it.
"Oh! HI GEE!" I cringed at the over-excited voice... nothing against the person at hand... just the frequency of their voice. I looked up to my left and smiled passively in return "Hello, Ray... mind bring it down a couple notches?" I questioned, a look of embarrassment crossed his features before he sat down next to me "Sorry, snow just makes me happy" I nodded "That's fine, Ray" I duly noted, "So... how have you been?"
I smirked at his question "Oh yeah... you've been in solitary, never mind about me, how have you been?" I redirected the question, his eyes widened "Oh, you heard about that?" he stuttered out "Yeah... a few people have, so... how are you?" he sighed "It was so terrible, Gerard!" he whined "I don't know how you handle it" I laughed bitterly "I get through it by the skin of my teeth... don't think I handle it too well" he nodded "Well, it was fucking hell. But I'm better now!" he beamed happily.
I smiled in spite of myself. But not as much as I would have smiled if Frank were here. "Ray! there you are!" Dr.Williams called out "Here I am!" Ray smiled "You were supposed to be in my office twenty-five minutes ago!" she sighed. I giggled lightly.
Which reminded me that I had been sitting out here for over half an hour, not that I minded. I watched as Ray waved goodbye as he followed Dr.Williams inside. Alone again... hopefully this lasted... but being in here you're never that fortunate.
My eyes widened when I saw that doctor from yesterday poke his head out of the glass double doors. The face that's been engraved in my mind for the past twenty-four hours and eleven minutes. "Oh. Have you seen Dr.Glenn by chance?" he questioned, I was hit with mind-numbing nostalgia. I shook my head with a quizzical look on my face.
"Okay, sorry for bothering you." He smiled... he started to walk away... fuck no. I stood up quickly tracking him down.
"Wait!" I called out he paused momentarily and turned around, his face seemingly calm but his eyes held fear and an inexplicable emotion... "I want everyone to stop walking on fucking eggshells around me. Right fucking now." he gave me a confused look "You must be Gerard" he smiled, I scoffed "No... don't pull this clueless shit with me, Dr.Way" I sneered. "I can tell by the look in your eyes that you knew exactly who I was," I reply bitterly, he shuffled anxiously and sighed.
When he didn't say anything for a full minute I glared at him. "We're going to Dr.Glenn and you both have some explaining to do," I growled walking down the long hallway. Hearing slow footsteps behind me.
Dr.Glenn's eyes nearly popped out of her head when she saw "Oh dear god" she whispered "Enough is enough. You both have explaining to do. I'm no idiot, and I've been trying for twenty-four hours and twenty minutes to figure this shit out but my brain just won't... and I know you both know what I'm on about." I shifted my gaze between the two Dr's, who obviously seemed nervous.
"Gerard, hon... you may want to sit down," Dr.Glenn ordered softly as Dr.Way stood anxiously. I studied them both questioningly. The room was silent for five minutes and twelve seconds... giving me time to make an assumption. I cleared my throat ": Well if neither of you is going to start talking, may I fore-shadow?" I inquired, crossing my arms. They both sighed simultaneously "Gerard..." Dr.Way started "This really isn't easy to talk about, especially for you" he spoke shakingly "I'm so, so fucking sorry" I could tell he was trying not to cry, and I instantly felt bad...
He looked up, tears pooling in his eyes "Li-Listen... Dr.Way... I didn't mean to make you upset." I spoke guiltily, he shook his head with a small smile. "I'm sorry for changing the topic, but you look so familiar... my brain just won't let me place you" I mumbled out before my eyes widened "do you know my family?" I inquired, he scoffed "Exceptionally well in fact" I nodded "so... you are?..." I sat forward "Yo-Your brother..." he choked out. My heart skipped a beat "Mi-Mikey? What about him? Is he okay!?" I asked in a panic.
"No. Gerard I mean I am... your brother."
Read the note at the end of the chapter! I would love to interact with you all more <3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Silence. That's what Dr.Glenn's small room was filled with once again. For two and a half minutes, the tik tok of the analog desk-clock being the only noise aside from the labored breathing of both doctors, anxiously waiting on my next move. It was no surprise to me when Dr.Glenn's eyes widened in horror as I stood up, much-too-quickly for her liking, and rushed toward Dr.Way... er, Mikey... but I had no intentions of hurting him, instead I flung myself toward him tears already rushing down my cheeks as I clung to him desperately.
"Why did you leave me!?" I wailed out in a strenuous voice, instantly his arms were wrapped around me in return "Mikey I waited for so long." I choked out, voice almost giving out "For three hours, forty-five minutes and thirty seconds on Christmas, all day on my birthday... no one ever came to see me..." I sobbed broken-heartedly shaking and feeling mentally and physically defeated.
"I'm so sorry, Gerard... I promise, when the time is right, I will explain everything that is in your file" I pulled away from him tentatively "Tell me now" I choked out "That's not a good idea right now, Gerard..." I hear Dr.Glenn's soft voice explain "It's never a good fucking time to talk about my file or anything about me, is it?!" I practically shouted.
"You have to understand, you're not in the right state of mind, hun" she whispered... I rolled my eyes and pulled fully away from my brother and then left without a second word.
I was infuriated, livid, unbelievably beyond pissed in every sense of the word.
But it's funny how one person can alleviate all my anger in one simple second.
"You look mad... are you okay?" the small boy stuttered out nervously, I forced on a smile and locked eyes with Frank "Just ran into a small hinderance is all" I explained as calmly as I could "Oh... are you mad at me?" he whispered out questioningly. My eyes nearly bulged out of my skull "God no, Frank why would you think that?!" I exclaimed, he shrugged slightly looking down "I was just making sure" he mumbled out "I don't think I could ever be angry with you, Frankie" I stated honestly and he blushed "Fra-Frankie?" he questioned "Uh... yeah, I thought it suits you" I mumbled awkwardly, scratching the back of my neck.
To my surprise, he wrapped his arms around me "I love it!" (Thank god)
"I have instructions from Dr.Glenn that you are to eat today darlin', no if, and's, or buts" Carson explained, setting down a dry ass looking sandwich in front of my clearly disgusted face "If I drop dead because of this food poisoning, My brother will sue you" I mumbled out, hearing both her and Frank chuckle "You'll be fine hon, eat up and then head down to your evening Group" she smiled before sashaying away.
"You have gotten skinnier, Gerard" Frank whispered, I laughed lightly "I'm okay, Frank... trust me" I ensured, he just sighed and picked up his own dry-sandpaper-sandwich. Hesitantly I raised the grotesque looking 'meal' to my lips and took, what wouldn't even be considered a bite. "Not as bad as you think, eh?" Frank encouraged, my gag reflex kicked in and I cringed "No, worse" I choked out "Oh it's not that bad" he mused, taking a bit of his own.
His face was absolutely priceless after the dry bred and stale meat finally touched his tongue "Oh god" he groaned "You weren't lying... It's disgusting!" he cried out, dropping it back onto his plate. "What seems to be the problem over here?" Dr.Willimas questioned with her arms crossed, I went to answer but Frank beat me to it "The sandwich is absolutely disgusting! Are you guys trying to fucking kill us?!" He questioned dramatically, I choked on my sip of watered down orange-juice "Mr.Iero, there is no need for that!" She scowled picking up the poor excuse for a sandwich and took a bite, trying her best not to gag herself "I see your point... would you boys like a fruit cup instead?" she offered "That would be much better, yes" Frank responded.
"You're crazy, fat fuck. I won't let you eat until you figure it out." Steven snapped, causing me to cringe... I looked down at my stomach and evidently, he was right. I was fat "I'm glad you see it." Steven mused, sitting taller. "Shut up..." I mumbled under my breath "I didn't say anything..." Franks' voice sounded muffled a tinge of hurt laced in it...
"He knows that you halfwit" Steven growled, my eyes widened "Don't call him that!" I choked out not daring to look him or Frank in the face. I hear Frank say something but it was drowned out by Steven's annoying cackling "You need to remember what happened to you!" Steven shouted angerly... "I'm gonna go outside..." I practically gasped out rushing for the doors, ignoring Franks worried voice.
My skin felt like it was on fire, burning white hot. The brisk whip of the December air brought some relief to the horrid feeling, but unfortunately not to the tightness in my lungs. Collapsing on the ground I ran my shaking fingers through my short white hair, which was now growing out and my brown roots were starting to show.
"You're a nutter, Gerard!" Steven called "Downright crazy psycho!" "STOP!" I cried out "Please! Just stop" I sobbed, gripping my hair tighter.
*^Frank^ (Gasp, what? Whoa)
The moment Gerard ran off my mind went worst case scenario and I was up after him. Fuck that boy was fast... I was sure I'd lost him until I saw a tuff of white hair blending in with the white snow of the court-yard and I rushed out there, Both Dr.Glenn and Dr.Alexis running after me.
"Frank, don't!" One of them called "He's not stable right now, you don't know how to handle it!" I ignored them, obviously... "Gee!" I called out, the frigid winter wind whipping my jacket around. He was in the middle of the yard, hunched in a ball shaking. Slowly I treated toward the sobbing boy "Gerard, It's me... Frank... look at me" I whispered hopefully, giving him pleading eyes, however, he never raised his head.
I moved to in front of him "Gee" I whispered "ma-make it sto-st-stop" he whimpered, breaking my heart "FRANK!" I hear Dr.Glenn shout "Let me handle this" she pleaded... to which I ignored again.
"Gerard, look at me..." I kept my distance until I was sure he wouldn't snap when his eyes finally met mine they were distant "I ca-can't breathe" he was shaking like crazy staring at nothing "I need Haloperidol in the courtyard, stat!" "NO!" I shouted "Please, Frankie no"
"You don't understand, Frank, he needs it!"
"Gerard, I need you to stand up for me, can you do that? I'm going to help you" I watched as his tears fell and he slowly reached his hands out for me to help him up.
Dr.Glenn tried to stop me at the door, and Dr.Way tried once we got inside. "Fuck off! I know what I'm doing... he's having a panic attack not a fit of psychosis!" I shouted... leading Gerard into the common room, which was thankfully empty...
"Gerard, I need you to concentrate on me, only me and the words I'm saying, okay?" I questioned the still shaking boy; who nodded with tears falling rapidly. His small gasps for air no doubt making him dizzy.
I sat us down in front of the window with me on one side of him. "Okay, I need you to tell me what you're seeing right now..." I instructed "B-bl-blurry, Ev-eve-everything is blur-blurry" he choked out. I grabbed his hand and squeezed lightly "Squeeze my hand as hard as you can, Gee." and he did, not very tight but it was something "Okay good, can you tell me five things you can see?"
"Ca-Ca-Cars... a b-bird... yo-you" I took a convulsive breath before continuing "Okay, good, two more Gee" Frank coaxed "Win-windowsill a-an-and th-the sn-snow" I watched intently as he smiled warmly at me "Okay, Four things you can touch" I screwed my eyes shut and squeezed his hand, tighter than the previous time.
"You-your hand... th-the chair... fu-fucking sc-scratchy ass scrubs, god I wish I coul-could wear my rea-real clothes..." I said that because I knew Dr.Glenn was present "Perfect, One more, Gerard" I swallowed thickly "Does co-cold count?" I questioned "Yes, that's fine Gee... three things you can hear"
That was a harder one, every sound is blending together... "Tal-talking... a lot of it... passing ca-cars, and... Dr.Glenns radio thing..."
"You're doing great Gee... two more... give me two things you can smell and then one thing you can taste"
"I can smell... antiseptic and the gross food we have... and I can taste the salt from my tears..." by now the panic had alleviated and everything seemed to have silenced to a halt and Steven was no longer present.
"You did spectacular, Gee. You better now?" Frank inquired "Much... thank you, Frankie..." I whispered "Wow... Frank, I'm very impressed" Dr.Glenn praised, which is odd for her. "I learned that from my psychiatrist just before I was thrown in here" he informed; "Now if you don't mind... I'm gonna take Gerard back to our room" he stated before helping me up and walking me back through the crowd of people and down the hall into our room.
I ended that day curled up next to Frank as he gently continued to keep me calm...
I was undoubtedly falling for this boy.
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