"At 3am, I'm still thinking bout you. what's are you doing now? crying? watching dull movie? or sleeping? anyway, I wish you could ZZZ in peace."
"which one do you want?"
jiwon smile at junhoe, his smile which asks junhoe what he wants is always soft, but compulsory. So junhoe can't help but obey, and pretending he's happy.
"ah… bule one please, no no no hyung, this one's too expensive, i said that left hoodie"
junhoe grabed jiwon's arm to stop his hyung. jiwon looked up at him innocently.
And, jiwon's childrish expression was junhoe's weak point. so junhoe looked away awkwardly, and let his hyung's arm out.
"i'll buy both"
"no hyung, that's too much"
Although junhoe's resistance, jiwon brought a lot of clothes for junhoe, and payed many 0's price in cash.
And then they were in restaurant near the shop.
there're too much dishes to eat in front of them. junhoe couldn't anything but be gluttony. it's been a long time since he ate a decent meal.
And jiwon gazed at him with beaming. junhoe has always thought jiwon's eyes like cat's since he was child.
"…why, why are you so kind for me"
junhoe stammered a few words. but jiwon still smile at him.
"coz you're a good boy"
jiwon pated junhoe's hair as if he were lil boy. But junhoe hold his wrist, and stared at it. there're many bruises on jiwon's wrist. Maybe, they're on his whole body.
junhoe kninted his eyebrows, he couldn't hide his irritation. And, jiwon still smiled.
3years before, jiwon droped out of high school ,then disappeared. But this year, he was back suddenly like a disastar.
And since he has started treating junhoe as if he were lil kid excessively, bruises have remained on his skin.
AT the small fraud asian food store, junhoe has been working since he had finished high school.
this store is open 24hs a day, so junhoe's shift from 24 to 6. junhoe liked his part-time job, coz midnight shift's wage is higher than day-time's and more free.
Alternative rock was playing in empty store. this bizarre sound repeated memorable phrase in his voice.
"At 3am, I'm still thinking bout you. what are you doing now? crying? watching dull movie? or sleeping? anyway, I wish you could ZZZ in peace. "
this music was mabe by junhoe, for his childhoods friend who disappeared 3years before. so, junhoe couldn't read his magazine. He's just thinking of jiwon, his missing hyung.
the year, junhoe entranced into high school, jiwon suddenly run away from this town. jiwon was known as problematic student, but he was always sweet and warm for junhoe. And he knew jiwon's a weak person. so he had never believed jiwon's dark side like others said.
junhoe heared the auto door opened. and he lifted his face from magazine.
suddenly his heart was racing. he realized the man entered this store was jiwon.
Definitely he was jiwon. He dyed his hair, and wore a mask, but junhoe knew he is jiwon. And jiwon's signature style, oversized sweater and skinny jeans hadn't changed.
junhoe couldn't realized his voice was shaking, and his hyung's narrow eyes gazed at him were alike cat's as always.
They were more awkward than when they met last. junhoe realized something changed between them. for example, jiwon's fashion style hadn't change. But his clothes were replaced with brand-name products.
"You grows taller, and your voice is so low isn't it?"
jiwon pated junhoe's hair softly. and junhoe could see his hyung's tiptoes which wore a pair of Louboutin.
"I'm 19 already, not 15, hyung"
junhoe said so with pouty face. He expected jiwon to laugh. But his hyung replyed sadly.
"yeah, you right."
junhoe became confused because of jiwon's reaction. So he tryna change the subject.
"w-what's do you do?"
"ah…um…. do you? you've already finished high school, right?"
"Me? I'm a musician but I must work at this fraud store."
junhoe said, scratching his head lightly. He was pretending be his usual ,but he didn't find that he could do it.
"musician? so this song's yours?"
suddenly, jiwon's face brightened. he giggled at junhoe. junhoe feel strange, but be relieved at same time.
" I like it."
When jiwon said so, junhoe almost cryed.
And he hugged his hyung tightly without thinking. He feel jiwon's warm in his arms.
" I miss you, I missed you to death, hyung"
junhoe mutter. And jiwon kept silent.
"why did you say nothing?"
junhoe couldn't understand what he said. The memorable phrase filled loudly the store and his head.
jiwon stroked the younger's broad back slowly. and junhoe embraced him more tightly.
"When do you get off?"
jiwon asked the younger who didn't let him out.
"I'm closing right now. I know nobody comes."
junhoe replyed so, still buried his face into jiwon's shoulder. the diml-lit of fluorescent light dyed the room dark green.
" hyung, I'll protect you."
"You can't "
" why? I can. I'll do anything for you. I can be a murder,and a saint, just for you."
" you lie, but I'm damn happy"
" hey, come here kid. junhoe, why are you so cute?
You don't need to change, you know?
I love you."
Junhoe stared at jiwon who was being choked by him. underneath the youger, jiwon was still smiled. jiwon lightly sinked his nails into junhoe's hands which turned white. junhoe couldn't believe his fingers being so hard almost to kill the older.
Today, jiwon and junhoe went out together as a small celebration for the younger entering high school.
after having dinner, they were back to jiwon's flat where the order lived by himself. And they started doing that as usual. junhoe couldn't remember what the trigger was their secret. But he and his hyung had been doing it for the whole time. the minor behavior, like pinching lightly, had escalated on the increase. then, during having sex, junhoe always choked jiwon until his hyung faints.
After the everything, jiwon woke up slowly. he could see the younger sitting on bedside holding the guiter.
" Are you like it ?"
jiwon said softly and leaned against the younger's back. junhoe looked back jiwon with childlike smile.
"hell yeah. thanx hyung."
the acoustic guitar was given to junhoe by jiwon. that's lil bit big for the younger, but being the perfect size soon.
"…hyung, don't those hurt?"
junhoe ask jiwon timidly. he said about a bruise around the older's neck. jiwon was nodding off against his sholder. so the younger thought his hyung couldn't hear anything. But jiwon replyed with chuckling.
"nah, all right."
jiwon gave the younger's head a kiss. however, junhoe didn't say anything, still staring at the floor with a grim expression.
"Why can you forgive me ?"
jiwon lifted his face from junhoe's shoulder. his hands were stared shivering. so he pulled them down from the younger's arm.
"I always hurt you when we do that, I-I gonna…kill you sooner or later,"
junhoe stuttered, holding back his tears. and jiwon told the younger so, almost screaming.
"n-no, no, no, junhoe. please don't say that…"
"I just want to protect you, I don't want to hurt you. but why I can't? I hate myself when I'm around you, I fucking hate myself when I think of you, I- "
" Stop it…! "
junhoe came to when he hear jiwon's crying. And jiwon said so with a sniffle.
"I'm sorry…,so sorry…l don't realized…l'm sorry…lt's all my fault…"
the older hold his knees on the bed, and he didn't look up at junhoe when the younger uneasy cradle him. junhoe wanted to say something for jiwon, but he couldn't, and all he can do was stare at the floor.
Since then junhoe couldn't keep in touch with jiwon, and about a month later he heared of his hyung's missing.
For 3years which jiwon had disappeared,
junhoe has been almost being crazy. but he has been living calm life at the same time.
jiwon is a disaster to junhoe.
Having sex with him for the first time in 3years broke the younger's reliefs down.
Then, jiwon was underneath junhoe, and being chocked. the order was looked pale , but being nonresident. he was only graping junhoe's right hand, twisting his face in pleasure. junhoe feel alive when jiwon dimly whispred the younger's name.
the man's body underneath him was covered by countless fresh bruises. surely those wasn't the younger's marks. the fact drove junhoe mad. But junhoe couldn't know why he feel so.
During long time, jiwon was missing from the younger's life, junhoe dated with a few persons. those were just test. and the results satisfied him perfectly. he never hurt him/her whenever they were together. and he never wanted.
But then, he was chocking the older again, and he pinching, slapping, hitting again and again like as always, 3years before.and the older hadn't changed, he just gazed at junhoe with catlike eyes, truly jiwon hadn't changed at all.
"I knew you. you haven't changed at all"
jiwon was looking up at junhoe with chuckl ing. chocked by the younger, he spoke brokenky.
"I-I thought you have changed, so I couldn't know what I should…b-but-ah…"
jiwon was taking deliriously, and his smile was still happy. seeing that, pretending he's ok was hard enough for junhoe.
however the younger replyed, hiding his cracking voice.
"I know. and you couldn't change too, right?"
he couldn't help but chocked jiwon's neck tighter, then the older shout his eyes and his head was back. junhoe knew the older was being fainting soon.
"…w-why, can we change…"
jiwon said breathlessly, but junhoe could hear well. so junhoe fucked the older more harder and kissed his lip not to hear his words anymore. junhoe felt tears falling out from his eyes. secretly he wished jiwon's skin had mixed with his , to they couldn't distinguish each other.
" we're gonna to live together, It must be nice, right?"
"yeah, I think."
"J-Jiwonie hyung? where're you a-"
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