JackNHoff: So has anyone else noticed The E.D. Cock Report has gotten really ... weird? Like, did he go to film school and specialize in special effects? Is this the glorious, artistic results of us funding his college education?
OrangeYouGlad2CMyBanana: What do you mean?
Ben69ing: HE MEANS THE FUCKING TENTACLES.
VeniVidiVeni: Not just that. Did you see those teeth? That fucking t o n g u e.
Ben69ing: Yep. That was the point I was OUT.
VeniVidiVeni: Oh ho, but that was when the good part had just begun!
itsfuckingaliens: I'm telling you guys. It's aliens. It's literally fucking aliens.
JackNHoff: Not just me, then. Good to know.
notabot: What did you think was going on?
JackNHoff: I had no idea. I still don't. Like. Damn. What the hell.
Ben69ing: I KNOW.
JackNHoff: I am discovering things about myself I never knew.
thatsmykink: Have you seen the spit roasting one yet???
Eddie grew up Catholic, and while a lot of it hadn't stuck with him, the guilt had. It wasn't the guy thing—the guy thing was great, and Eddie refused to feel bad about how good giving head made him feel—but it was tangential to the guy thing.
Look, it was the porn. Eddie was a porn star now, and this was not the way he saw life going when he was ten and an altar boy.
It wasn't exactly on purpose. An ex-girlfriend had a camera and an account of her own, his dad was an asshole who'd disowned him, classes were expensive, and it all seemed like a good idea at the time. She pointed out that his lips looked like they were made for sucking cock and that that sort of thing sold. He wore a mask the first time that covered the top half of his face, and she loaned him a dildo. It all sort of—spiraled from there.
Very quickly, he made enough money to cover his classes and his rent, plus a bit more for a rainy day. It was good money, and he'd made some good friends who were also in the business. He wasn't exactly a household name, but The E.D. Cock Report was doing pretty well for itself. Very well. Enough so that Eddie was still doing it, even though he'd graduated top of his class and had an actual, steady job that paid all his bills.
And that—that right there, the fact that he did not need to be doing this—was what had brought him here, to Our Lady of Saints, sitting in a pew and trying to figure out if this was something he should actually feel guilty about, if he should finally retire the camboy routine along with the last traces of college life, a relic of his twenties become a distant memory like weekly all-nighters and the ability to drink without a hangover the next day.
Eddie stared up at the ceiling and felt nothing at all, entirely ambivalent over his next course of action. He stayed there for a full twenty minutes, feeling frustrated and stupid for expecting anything more than silence. The point wasn't listening for an outside answer, but for a quiet place to find it in himself, but he was just as lost as the moment he'd stepped inside. He'd been told he was on the wrong side of thirty for porn. He'd like to let his almost obsessive workout routine slide a little, maybe pick up some pudge for a change. He'd like to date someone without the dreaded, "So yeah, while we're trading deep, dark secrets, about how I paid for college—actually, I'm still doing it."
But the rush of it was like unlike anything else. He felt wanted. He felt powerful. He never came so hard off-camera as he did when he had a hundred viewers all cheering him on. Eddie had gotten into porn at a time in his life when he was figuring out his own sexuality, and in the process he'd given himself an exhibition kink the size of San Francisco. It was—forgive the pun—extremely, incredibly hard to let it go.
Eventually, he stood up. He made his way for the church doors. Out of the corner of his eye, a shadow moved. When he turned to face it, it reached out and caressed him.
Ben69ing: Okay, I know I said I was out, but. Who the fuck posted clips on reddit?
Ben69ing: And then wrote "The new Alien is looking pretty good"
Ben69ing: Which of you fuckers is responsible?
OrangeYouGlad2CMyBanana: You started watching again, didn't you?
Ben69ing: Fuck you.
VeniVidiVeni: Not unless you got tentacles.
thatsmykink: Have you seen the sounding video yet???
itsfuckingaliens: All those reddit comments, all so wrong. There are no special effects. It's fucking aliens.
JackNHoff: Ben. Ben. You have been missing out.
VeniVidiVeni: While we're on conspiracy theories, I'm pretty sure "Venom" is either the cameraman or helps with special effects. Literally every time they join the conversation, something shows up in the next show.
beat2feet: Venom, if you're listening, we would really like to see Eddie's foot in that alien's mouth.
Ben69ing: You're all assholes.
Ben69ing: Who has a link to the sounding video?
Eddie Brock was never in his life going to be able to return to Our Lady of Saints. He didn't think he was ever going to be able to look a priest in the eye again. He didn't feel any guilt over sucking cock, but he felt a hell of a lot of guilt over—that. He'd just been to church, but he really needed to go to Confession.
"Humans bond in churches."
"Yes." Eddie shook his head. "But we don't do that. That's something we save for—home."
"In private," Eddie nearly said, but that would be pretty damn hypocritical.
Venom—the shadow that had reached out, the alien being that had for some reason been hanging out in the vestibule to snag a new host in the world's worst meet-cute—spoke up after a brief silence, like he had caught the substitution and spent a moment trying to track down the original thought. "Ah, consummation. We can do that again wherever you like."
Eddie's face was bright red. He walked a little faster. He was on the wrong side of thirty, but try telling his dick that. It was becoming more urgent by the moment to make it back to his apartment, as with every step taken he had Venom digging through another intimate memory or whispering in his ear.
"Wherever you like," Venom repeated.
holdmybeer: They really went all out on devoting themselves to the porn angle of this, didn't they? Like, wow, I did not expect HBO to hire a camboy and make him the star of his own sci-fi show.
spockshotfirst: Or maybe they took advantage of a desperate unknown and backdated.
Ben69ing: It's real porn, assholes, not a viral ad for a TV show. You're worse than itsfuckingaliens.
hanmysolo: I love how they have dedicated interns or something pretending to be dedicated fans. It's hilarious.
thatsmykink: Have you seen the bukkake and cum inflation ones yet???
notabot: With the black goo semen?
VeniVidiVeni: So hot.
JackNHoff: We're real dedicated alright.
holdmybeer: I wonder what they used for it. It didn't look like syrup, but it couldn't be toxic, considering it was dribbling out of his mouth.
itsfuckingaliens: They didn't use anything, it's a fucking alien, and that's alien spooge all over E.D.'s face.
spockshotfirst: Their special effects team is really good!
JackNHoff: E.D. probably appreciates the compliment.
notabot: What I really want to know is: why did they tag it vore?
By the time they made it back to his apartment, Eddie was carrying a jacket in front of himself in a futile attempt to avoid embarrassing himself. Venom hadn't touched him, but Eddie had just been subjected to a greatest hits of every sexual encounter of his life, plus Venom's DVD track commentary.
He'd let a date cane him once, lines of red like ladder steps down the backs of his thighs, and while they hadn't ended up seeing one another again, it was a fond memory Eddie carried with him, the sting and the ache of it, the cool air the guy had blown against each bright red mark, the kisses pressed in gentle contrast to the pain. Every time he'd sat down for days after, he'd winced at the sudden physical reminder—and then smiled.
"Do you enjoy pain?" Venom's voice came out thoughtful, considering, like he was already putting together a plan of action for their future together. "We can heal you, make sure it never goes too far. Take you right to the brink, the place they bleed into one another. Would you like that, Eddie?"
Eddie fumbled with the opening the door and stumbled inside. He slammed it shut behind him. "Let's, uh, let's start a little simpler and work our way up?"
Already lines of black were pouring out of Eddie's skin, raising up to caress him, to undress him. A face appeared, all wide, white eyes and a long, jagged mouth crammed full of teeth. Hands formed and dug into the corners of Eddie's jaw. When he opened his mouth, automatic, but eager, Venom shoved a thick tongue like a dick down Eddie's throat. It was hard to be too concerned when Venom had spent half the walk home lovingly lingering over memories of just how much Eddie could take, though this certainly wasn't how Eddie had expected him to actually apply that knowledge.
"But you like it," Venom spoke directly into Eddie's mind.
Which—yes. Eddie liked it. He liked Venom's tongue down his throat, liked the tendrils like fingers trailing gently down his legs as they pulled off his boxers, liked the claw-tipped fingers pulling at his hair to bring his head back to just the right angle for Venom to properly tongue-fuck Eddie's throat. He liked the way Venom refused to stop kissing him long enough to pull off his shirt and instead shredded it, because even though Eddie had liked that shirt, he liked this more. Eddie liked it a lot. The only way it would be better would be if—
Venom followed that thought quickly stifled, plucked it up in its finished form and examined it from every angle. "A camera? We could show you off, show you are taken, let them listen to your delicious whimpers and moans, and make them weep with the knowledge they can never have you." Venom drew back and said, "Yes, we like this idea."
Eddie's voice was a wreck as he said, "I didn't want to retire, anyway."
"But later. First is for us alone." Venom pushed Eddie up against the wall.
"That's—that's fair." It was hard to focus on words when all those teeth were making their way toward Eddie's dick. On the other hand—that tongue. To be honest, the teeth weren't exactly a turn-off, either. Eddie suspected their entire relationship was going to be one big exercise in trust.
Eddie closed his eyes and gave himself over.
homotextual: In his first spit roasting video, the seventh video since introducing CGI and an invisible boyfriend, E.D. Cock claims in response to complaints that said boyfriend has not shown up in a single video since and including the introduction, "I promise you, he's appeared in every one," before being tenderly caressed by his own clothing which proceeds to unwrap itself into seven different tentacles. E.D.'s expression is open and honest, and it's obvious that he believes what he is saying. As the clothing opens up, so, too, does E.D. open his heart to the man directing the tentacles and the true star of this new series—the boyfriend in charge of special effects. He appears in every video because it's his vision being realized and his tentacles taking control of Eddie's body like the mysterious boyfriend has taken artistic control of the E.D. Cock Report.
JackNHoff: How do you people keep finding us?
thatsmykink: Has anyone else seen the new shibari video???
homotextual: In this essay, I will
homotextual: brb, I'm sure this will add valuable material to my thesis.
"You won't explain?" Venom's voice was amused. He kept a tendril wrapped around Eddie's dick, alternately stroking its length and clenching around the base. Eddie had started to explain he didn't need a fluffer several times and immediately gotten distracted. It wasn't like Venom didn't already know.
"I told them I'd introduce them to my new boyfriend." Eddie clenched a fist in his bedsheets as Venom helpfully shoved a slick tentacle up his ass to engage in some pre-filming stretching, never mind that said tentacle was the only thing going up his ass. Venom could always make it bigger. "Past that, they can come up with their own explanations."
"And if they don't believe you?" Eddie's hands came up without his input to pinch at his nipples, make them stand out a bit. "If they persist in the delusion you are unclaimed?"
Eddie smiled cheekily. "Then you'll just have to convince them, won't you?"
Venom gave a short little growl. Eddie's smile morphed into a full-out grin as hands appeared to press him down. Venom's face leered down at him. "We will."
"Yeah." Eddie spread his legs, leaned into the weight against him, in him. "We will."
At the very least, Eddie knew they'd have a lot of fun trying.
JackNHoff: So I woke up this morning to the knowledge that either E.D. Cock is a superhero or Venom is a shapeshifter who watches a lot of porn and has a sick sense of humor. How is everyone taking this strange, sexy news?
hanmysolo: I feel like I opened the wrong door and slipped into an alternate universe.
hanmysolo: This was supposed to be a T.V. show.
VeniVidiVeni: Imagine being one of those people pulled out of the way of the falling building
VeniVidiVeni: Lovingly held close by those silky smooth tentacles
VeniVidiVeni: Never knowing how much time they spent stuffed up E.D. Cock's perfect, pert ass.
notabot: He can save me any day.
spockshotfirst: There are tentacles enough for all.
notabot: Dibs on the little one that went up E.D.'s dick.
holdmybeer: I still say it's a publicity stunt.
holdmybeer: That HBO series is going to come out any day now.
Ben69ing: How's it feeling realizing you've been watching porn in here with the rest of us all along?
holdmybeer: Any. Day. Now.
OrangeYouGlad2CMyBanana: We're all in agreement that Venom is the Venom who goes here, right?
thatsmykink: Did anyone else go back to the boyfriend intro video only to realize: he wasn't kidding about seeing someone, it's not special effects, and Venom *is* the boyfriend???
itsfuckingaliens: I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU IT WAS FUCKING ALIENS.
The downside to having an alien boyfriend was the occasional craving for brains. The upside was the subsequent discovery that Eddie could eat all the chocolate he liked and had a convenient excuse to do so. That didn't stop them from going out and engaging in some light vigilantism, but it did curb the urge to literally bite the heads off of obstructive officials who refused to answer a single damn question, no matter how simple or well-established the facts were. Eddie was living the "take a break and have a Snickers" commercial.
He sat on the roof, an entire pile of vending machine chocolate and empty wrappers beside him, and fed Venom one piece at a time.
"We need less now," Venom observed between bites.
"Why is that?" Eddie watched as the tiny head Venom had formed licked at his fingers.
"You, Eddie." Venom's face grew and drew closer to his own. "You're in love with me."
"Hm, and I'm just a convenient source of the right brain chemicals?" Eddie wasn't so sure he liked the idea.
"No." Though Eddie had only eaten the one bar himself, Venom licked at his mouth.
Eddie stroked across Venom's jawline. "Why did you choose me? I can't have been the only person who went in that church. There had to be a priest or a janitor or—or someone. Anyone else."
"You were lonely." Venom closed his eyes and leaned in to Eddie's palm. "As lonely as I felt, as alone."
"We fell in love."
Eddie's face felt warm. The anger was less pressing now, the hunger blunted. They'd probably need to stop for groceries on the way home, but Eddie felt capable of making it that far.
Eddie frowned at a sound like a cry of pain. "Did you hear that?"
"We smell blood. Someone is hurt." Venom's head withdrew into Eddie, momentarily contained under their skin, then he drew himself fully over their body. "We can help."
"We can come back for the chocolate," Eddie agreed.
Venom paused. His hand swiped out in one large tendril which pooled over the rooftop, the candy pile, and the loose gravel. He left only loose gravel and empty rooftop behind. "Let's go."
"Can we at least take the stairs?" Eddie asked as they bounded for the roof's edge.
"No time!" Venom said that, but Eddie was pretty sure he got off on the shriek Eddie gave as they went flying into the air.
Eddie might crave brains sometimes, and his boyfriend might be an asshole, but he wouldn't have it any other way. Life was pretty good.
thatsmykink: Did anyone else see the snuff film???
JackNHoff: Oh. You mean the shitty cell phone video on that fringe news site.
itsfuckingaliens: Hey, an alien's got to eat.
JackNHoff: It's dark and blurry and you can hardly see anything.
JackNHoff: There's no way to prove it was Venom who ate that guy.
Ben69ing: There's not even a body. No way to prove anyone was murdered at all.
hanmysolo: I see you both in those comments.
holdmybeer: Tag yourself. I'm the guy filing a DMCA on HBO's behalf.
beat2feet: What the hell is wrong with you people? E.D. Cock's alter ego just ate some guy's head!
VsMyHero: As the person being stabbed in the beginning of that shitty, blurry cell phone video
VsMyHero: shot by some asshole who didn't even bother to help or call the cops
VsMyHero: I am here to tell you
VsMyHero: that it was definitely staged and no murder took place. :)
VsMyHero: And that is what I will keep telling anyone who asks. :)
VsMyHero: Because it is 100% true. :)
VsMyHero: Also, what the hell, that is a lot of porn. Hold my hand, I'm going in.