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My Back Hurts

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 6:15 AM: Jon and Stephen’s apartment


“I'm going to kill you.” Jon groaned as he tried sitting up.

“I love it when you talk dirty.” Stephen smirked from his position in the bed.

“Then just wait until I try getting dressed. You'll get some real colorful language I'm sure.”

“Oh it can’t be that ba- shit!” Stephen yelped.

“See? Getting up is no picnic with a fucked up back.”

“No I’m completely fine. On a completely unrelated note, however, where do we keep the Advil?”

Jon couldn’t help but giggle.

“In the cabinet above the bathroom sink. Could you grab me one too?”

“What’s the magic phrase?”

“Hm. I believe it was: ‘Otherwise you'll be sleeping on the couch?’”

“We were actually looking for: ‘If you would be so kind, The Reverend Sir Doctor Senator. Stephen T. Mos Def Colbert D.F.A Heavyweight Champion of the World and Premiere Dame de France’ but that works well too.”

When Stephen came back into the room, Advil and water in hand, he noticed Jon struggling with his shoes.

“Hey, if it hurts you that bad just call in sick.” He chided as he approached him.

“I can’t do that.”

“Oh come on, I’ll stay home too!”

“Not happening.”

“I’ll make it worth your while.” Stephen added, eyebrows waggling.

“You can barely get out of bed and I can’t tie my shoes so I think hot sex isn’t really an option. And both of us can’t miss, Viacom would be so pissed.”

“I was actually talking about having a Lord of the Rings marathon you pervert but point taken.” He chuckled, handing Jon the Advil.

“Thanks. God I hope this helps or else all the writers are going to give me shit about my back.”



 7:30 AM: The Daily Show writing room


“Hey Jon!” Jessica greeted.

“Morning Jessic-ah!” Jon winced as he sat down.


“Nothing. Just saying your name, Jessic-ah! Just giving it some spice!”

“Mhm. You feeling ok?”

“Yeah… why do you ask?”

“You just look uncomfortable that’s all… is it your back?”

“No of course not- oh look its Al! Good morning Al!” Jon beamed as Al came in.

“Hey Jon! How’s it going?”

“Fine! Perfectly fine.”

Jessica continued to eye Jon suspiciously as the other writers started entering the room. There was definitely something wrong with Jon’s back and she had an idea as to what it was. About ten minutes later she decided to test her theory. She dropped her pen next to her boss’s feet.

“Oh shoot! Hey can you grab my pen?” Jessica asked innocently.

“Who? Me?” Jon asked, trying to hide his nervousness.

“Yea its right by your feet.”

Shit. How was he supposed to get out of this one?

“Uh where? I don’t see it.”

He tried to kick the pen away from him but instead ended up jerking his back.


“Woah! Are you okay?” Samantha gasped.

“Yea Jon. What happened?” Jason added.

“Oh its nothing I just-”

“He threw out his back having crazy sex with Colbert!” Jessica blurted.

“What!? No!” Jon retorted.

“Then what happened?” Aasif pressed.

“I-uh-must have slept on it wrong.”

“You're an awful liar.” Jason stated.

“No its fine. Its not important.”

“Jon and Stephen under the covers, F-U-C-” Al chanted.

“Hey! Everybody can it! Let’s get back to work please.” Jon half commanded, half begged.

“If Kama-Sutra is too much for you guys, there’s another thing Jason and I always do.” Samantha teased.

“Ew! Old people sex!” Kristen whined.

“No! Kama-Sutra works fine for- I mean no! We were not doing it!” Jon stuttered.

“Its ok if you guys were Jon. Its not like we haven’t seen it before.” Al encouraged.

“But we weren’t! Wait? What do you mean you’ve seen it?”

Everyone at the table just turned to Jon with looks that practically screamed: really?

“That was not our fault! I mean who even puts cameras in the broom closet?” Jon said, exasperated.

“Mhm. Well lets just get back to writing since you won’t confess to your kinky adventures.” Aasif mused.

“But we really- fine.”



5:00 PM: The Daily Show taping room


“We’ll be right back.” Jon smiled until the camera turned off.

“Take five everyone!” The director called.

 “Um Mister Stewart?” an intern approached Jon.


“I’m so sorry I forgot to give you this before the show but the writers first told me like fifteen minutes before and it was so hard to find one and-”

“Woah woah calm down. What did you forget to give me?” he coaxed the completely frantic college kid.

“This!” She blushed as she handed him a donut shaped cushion, not making eye contact.

“What? Who told you to get me this?”

“The writers sir! It’s for you to sit on. They said you might need it because you and mister Col-” she stopped, realizing what she was about to say.

“Sorry sir!” she blurted and ran off.

“Al! Jessica! What the hell-”

“Jon! You’re on in ten seconds.” The director called.

Al, Jessica, Aasif, Jason, and Kristen stood behind the camera, all snickering.

“I swear to God-”

“Five! Four! Three! Two! One!”

The camera started rolling.

 “Well that’s our show! Tune in tomorrow for Benedict Cumberbatch! Here’s your moment of Zen.” Jon said through his teeth.

As soon as the camera cut to the clip, he threw his pen at them.



The previous night around 8:30: Jon and Stephen’s apartment


“JOOON!!!” Stephen wailed from the living room.

“What? What happened? Are you okay?” Jon called, running in.

“There’s a spider!” he shrieked from behind the couch.

“What? Oh my God Stephen just kill it yourself.”

“No! I’m scared of them! You know that.”

“I don’t have time for this. I have an entire script to finish.” He sighed as he began to walk back to the bedroom.

“JONATHAN STUART LEIBOWITZ!!! If you don’t kill it you are sleeping on the couch!”

“Okay. Maybe the spider and I can bond over some good TV.”

“Jon… please?” he begged.

Jon took one look at the shaking mess that was his boyfriend and sighed.

“Fine. But only because I love you. Where is it?”

“Over there!” he pointed at the wall.

“I’ll go grab a cup and some paper.”

When he came back, Jon walked over to the wall that housed the demon spawn- terrorist-spider (Stephen’s words not his).

“Stephen, it must be like seven feet up. I can’t reach it.”

“Then you can get on my shoulders.”

“No that’s ridiculous.”

“Fine. I’ll go stay at the Hilton.”


“If you don’t do this for me Jon, I’ll- well I’ll- I’ll throw your bagels out.”

“I’ll go buy other ones.”

“I bet Paul Dinello would do this for his boyfriend.” Stephen muttered.

“Get over here and give me a boost! This motherfucker is going down!”

“Thanks babe!” he cheered as he ran to Jon.

“Hold the cup and the paper.”

Stephen took them and crouched on the floor.

“Okay now just- oof! Maybe you should opt for some of that fat free cream cheese.” Stephen grunted as Jon jumped onto his shoulders.

“Shut up and pass me the cup!”

“Okay okay!”

The two approached the wall, Jon with the cup and paper in hand, and Stephen covering his eyes.

“Open your eyes you dipshit!”

“I can’t! I'm scared!”

“Then just stop moving forward. I’ll grab the spider.”

Jon placed the cup over the fiend and secured the paper under it.

“Okay Stephen now hold the cup and paper while I get down.”

“No! I am NOT touching that thing.” Stephen started shaking his head back and forth violently.

“Fine fine! Don’t knock me off! Just open your eyes and walk over to the window. I’ll put it outside.”

“Okay!” Stephen started to walk forward.

“You're my knight in shining armor! Its pretty sexy.” He added.

“Oh you know all in a day’s work for me” Jon shrugged, momentarily separating the cup from the paper.

“Shit!” He gasped as he saw the spider drop into Stephen’s hair.

“What? What is it?”

“Don’t move!”

“OH MY GOD IS IT ON ME?” Stephen yelled and jerked backwards, lost his balance, and successfully sent both men tumbling to the floor.

“OW!” Jon cried as he landed with his back in the middle of the couch arm.

“Shit!” Stephen yelped as he landed with his back on the floor.

“Stephen! Are you oka-FUCK!” he yelped as he tried to sit back up.

“I crushed the spider Jon! I win! OW! My back!!!” Stephen cried from the floor.

Jon finally managed to get off the couch and go to Stephen.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“I think so.”

“Did you hit your head?”

“No just my back.”

“Same here.”

They looked at each other and broke out into laughter.

“HAHAHAHA-OW!” Stephen cried.

“Leave it to us to almost kill ourselves over a spider.” Jon gasped as he caught his breath.

“We should go to bed before a fly manages to snap our necks.” Stephen smirked as he helped Jon off the floor.