Work Text:
How to get yourself staked:
1 - Be a vampire.
2 - Tell the truth
3 - Lie
4 - Call Bill Compton a ‘puppy dog’
5 - Ask someone to stake you
6 - Ask someone not to stake you
7 - Speak to Eric Northman
8 - Look at Eric Northman
9 - Think about Eric Northman
10 - Stand up for your beliefs
11 - Oppose a religious revolution
12 - Take part in a religious revolution
13 - Be on TV
14 - Have anything to do with anything related to the Authority at any point in your death
15 - Have something Bill Compton wants
16 - Threaten Sookie Stackhouse
17 - Kidnap too many people
18 - Kidnap too few people
19 - Borrow Pam’s shoes without asking
20 - Try
21 - Hear ‘yanny’
22 - Don’t pay taxes
23 - Live in Louisiana
24 - Listen to Cambodian music
25 - Steal someone else’s human
26 - Look too happy at the wrong time
27 - Take Eric’s strippers to eat in the car
28 - Raise an eyebrow at Russell Edgington
29 - Ask Eric if he’s German
30 - Boast about your age
31 - Say werewolves are ‘okay, I guess’
32 - Torture Bill Compton
33 - Don’t torture Bill Compton but have that ‘I really wish I could torture you’ face when you’re talking to him
34 - Be a part of the Monarchy
35 - Be a vampire (…did…we have that one already?)
36 - Cut Pam down on your first meeting
37 - Wear the same skirt as Pam at the same time
38 - Piss off the Authority
39 - Be the Authority
40 - Get your blood on Nan Flanagan’s suit when she’s trying to lecture you about something as her guards torture you
41 - Be the next of kin to that vampire
42 - Be the next of kin to that vampire
43 - Ask for prices at Fangtasia
44 - Try and jump the queue at Fangtasia
45 - Attempt to glamour another vampire, before you figure out they’re not human
46 - Use the phrase ‘excuse you?’ in an aggressive way
47 - Ask to take a picture of Eric Northman
48 - Take the picture without asking
49 - Read any Jane Austen novel in the presence of another vampire
50 - Admit to watching ‘Mamma Mia’
51 - Ask Eric if he will join your ABBA tribute band
52 - Neglect to invite Eric Northman to join your ABBA tribute band
53 - Gatecrash Jessica Hamby’s parties
54 - Ask Bill when the Civil War was, and who won
55 - Ask Nan Flanagan what Obama’s surname is
56 - Fall in love with a faery
57 - Fall in love with anyone
58 - Tell Pam she looks ‘pretty good tonight’
59 - Drink human blood
60 - Drink TruBlood
61 - Drink neither
62 - Drink both
63 - Wear green shoes
64 - Be within 300ft of Her Majesty Queen Sophie-Anne Leclerq when she loses a game of snap
65 - Neglect to laugh at a joke
66 - Laugh at what you thought was a joke
67 - Look at Sookie Stackhouse for too long
68 - Post videos of yourself on YouTube drinking from humans
69 - Whisper to the vampire next to you that you think Pam’s hair might be a wig
70 - Smile at Eric Northman when he’s in a bad mood
71 - Call Nora Gainsborough ‘Mary Poppins’
72 - Give Nora Gainsborough a photo of Mary Poppins for her to autograph
73 - Ask someone what the fuck is taking so long as you try to get into Fangtasia
74 - Ask another vampire the time
75 - Wear reading glasses when, clearly, you don’t need them
76 - Reminisce about the good old days before Mainstreaming
77 - Walk in on the wrong people
78 - Not answer your phone
79 - Bitch about your Sherriff
80 - Be a Sherriff that allows other vampires to bitch about you
81 - Tell Sophie-Anne you can’t make it to her birthday party
82 - Realise that you can’t make it to her birthday party and sigh ‘thank God for that’
83 - Recommend an intestinal worm to your human to help them to lose weight
84 - Cry at movies
85 - Cry at anything
86 - Encourage other vampires to cry
87 - Tell Bill he can’t sing
88 - Tell everyone else that Bill can’t sing
89 - Ask a vampire if you can ‘just be friends’
90 - Offer to lend Jessica some hair dye
91 - Do this in front of Bill
92 - Call Bill ‘Will’
93 - Tell Sookie to shut the fuck up for once
94 - Make any comment that could possibly be construed as racist in front of Tara, or anyone she knows, for that matter
95 - Say salad looks appealing
96 - Send your TruBlood back to Lafayette, claiming it might have AIDS
97 - Be in the room when this happens
98 - Watch too much True Blood
99 - Write too much Fanfiction
100 - Read this guide