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Scare

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She paces the bathroom, nerves setting in. This could not be happening. This just could not be happening. How could she be so stupid? She tries to focus on the positive. She is just a few days late. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean…

She had a pregnancy scare when she was in college. It had been one night with the cute biology student she’d been tutoring, and he hadn’t worn a condom; a day or so after, she’d gotten herself tested for STDs and the panel came back clean. It was only after missing her period, that she’d thought she was pregnant. The pregnancy test that she’d taken had come back negative. She’d even gone to a hospital to double check. It wasn’t that she didn’t like kids. She loved kids. She just didn’t want to have kids; she wasn’t fit to be a mom.

She has five more minutes. Five minutes of waiting, of anxiety-riddled waiting. If it came back negative, it didn’t matter. She wouldn’t have to worry about it. But what was she supposed to do if it came back positive? Tell Gibbs and Jen sure, but after that? Would they want her to keep it? That was silly. Of course, they would. Right?

She paces again, grabs the stick from the counter and then sets it down again. She still had time. She grabs her phone as she sinks to the floor, panic setting in. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t…

“Abby?” she releases the breath she doesn’t realize she’s holding, “Abby, it’s 3 in the morning.”

She can’t stop her voice from cracking, “Come over.”

She hears the light slap as Jen wakes Gibbs, his grunt of annoyance snuffed out by Jen’s “Something’s wrong with Abby.”

She hangs up, knowing they’re on their way. She casts a look at the counter top, worry making her bite her lip. She couldn’t do this…


 

“Abbs?” she hears Gibbs call through the doorway.

“In here,” she calls, and the nausea she feels doesn’t want to subside.

The door opens, and she looks up to see her lovers, half-asleep but there. She shouldn’t have called. This was nothing that couldn’t wait until the morning. She stands to tell them just that when the wave of nausea makes her sway on her feet. Jen catches her as she falls forward, and she frowns, even as she rights herself.

“Are you okay? What happened?” Jen asks, her fingers combing her hair away from her face.

“Nothing,” she struggles to keep her voice from cracking again, “I overreacted.”

Gibbs surveys the room, catches sight of the pregnancy test sitting innocently on the counter. Their eyes meet, and she instantly looks away. Stupid, stupid, she thinks again. He approaches with a small smile, shows the test to Jen, who looks from it back to her. She knows what it says, can read the disappointment in Jen’s eyes. She knows she wouldn’t make a good mom, but Jen? Jen would be the best mom in the world.

She takes the pregnancy test from them, the one line confirming what she had been silently praying for. Not pregnant. The thought brings her elation and guilt all at once. Gibbs brings her into a hug, holding her close while she tries halfheartedly to pull away.

“Hey,” he breaths into her ear, “it’s okay.”

But no, it wasn’t. Because she dragged them out of bed for something that could’ve waited. She gave them false hope when she was wary of the outcome. Because she was afraid that her life would be changed by a pregnancy that she couldn’t even consider the joy it would’ve brought to their lives.

Jen wipes away the tears she didn’t realize she was shedding, “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, but Jen shushes her, wrapping her in her arms, so she was buried between her and Gibbs.

“Nothing to be sorry for, Abbs,” Gibbs says softly.

But it felt like there was so much that she needed to be sorry for she just didn’t know where to start. And that was hurting more than any pain she was feeling.