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Lame Ass Pickup Lines

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Dean wasn’t the most charming man in the world, but he was leagues above the handsome blue-eyed man that had been coming to the Roadhouse every Friday and Saturday night for the last three weeks. He watched as the guy got turned down time and time again, of course Dean couldn’t say he blamed them, dude had some of the WORST pickup lines ever known to man and was using them like they were an Ace up his sleeve. If Dean were the type to talk about his feelings he’d admit that it was kind of adorable.

The first night he came to the bar and ordered six shots of Vodka, and much to Dean’s surprise he downed them all right there. He even managed to walk a straight line back to the table claimed by his two friends, which was damn impressive. Then the college guys piled in and Dean was distracted with that for a while until he heard the booming deep voice.

“That shirt looks very becoming on you....of course if I were on you I'd be coming too.”

Dean couldn’t help the barked out laugh that escaped him, it caused the very adorable stranger to turn and look at him. When their eyes met the man smiled brightly and the bartender just returned it with an added wink. He shook his head and went back to pouring drinks for the Pie Beta Dumbass or whoever they were.

The next time was the following night, Saturday was usually his biggest night for tips the lonely hearts club joined in with the college crowd making it just busy enough to keep himself distracted. It worked until he saw the blue eyes and the trench coat perched on a seat near the end of the bar talking to someone. Dean gravitated toward the other man without even thinking about it and as soon as he was closer he could hear the now familiar voice.

“Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I keep seeing myself in your pants.”

Dean’s boisterous laugh catching him off guard again, there was no way anyone’s game could be that weak, but the other man just looked at him and smiled again. This had to be some sort of dare or something he just knew it, the guy had a sense of humor that much he was sure of. When the girl threw her drink in his face, Dean laughed even harder and offered him a towel.

“Dude you gotta know that’s not working right?” He said with a genuine smile.

“Yes I do, after all that is my intention.” He gave Dean a cheeky grin in response and moved back toward the table where the same two friends were waiting for him.

It became a tradition the handsome man came back two nights every week, always with the same two men and always hit on someone near the bar, and each time he used a really bad sexual pickup line. Each one making Dean laugh and usually ended with a drink or smack to the face when said to a female. He was surprised to have seen the handsome man use an equally lame line on a guy, he felt a spike of jealousy curl in his heart when he saw the guy laughing it off and teasing him in return.

If he didn’t know better he’d think that the blue eyed stranger was surprised as well, he continued on with the conversation but still looked fairly shaken. When Dean got closer he was confused because the guy had went from the corniest pickup line ever, to talking about the financial crisis that the government is currently perpetuating. Sure enough the guy who’d once laughed at his lame jokes and flirted in return excused himself fairly quickly after that.

“Dude I don't get it, I mean you were doin’ so well why turn into Mr.Roboto all the sudden?” he said, not that he was complaining because the relief on his face was clear.

“I figured if the innuendo wasn’t enough to turn him off I needed to use drastic measures, so I started talking about my work.” his face clearly showing a satisfied smirk.

Dean shook his head but couldn’t just let it go, there was something pulling him toward the guy, and he’d dealt with his fair share of crazy, but it seemed like this one was certainly new.

“Maybe you can help me out here, but what I don’t understand is why you approach these people to start’s obvious that you’re not really interested.” Dean furrowed his brows together in confusion and shook his head as he waited for a response.

“You know the two men that I always come here with? Well they are my brothers and very demanding. I had a really tough break up a couple years ago and now they felt it was time to move on, so they drag me out here and I have to attempt to talk to someone or they won’t allow me to leave. So I’ve found an alternative route to not giving them what they want.”

“Ah man, sorry about the breakup.. usually things work out for the best though. You should..uh give me a call if you ever get ready to..move on or whatever.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck doing his best to not blush under the startled gaze of the other man.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He said with a smile and walked back to his table once again.

Dean’s mind took a bit to wrap around the rejection, considering the smile he’d been given was genuine and honest. Maybe the guy really just did need some time to get over things, he had no idea how complicated the situation was, only that it had been a couple years since it happened and when he’d started coming to the bar a few weeks ago he was hell bent on not moving on, perhaps he still was.

The stranger didn’t come in that Saturday and Dean officially cursed himself for thinking it was a good idea to hit on the man who was clearly not interested. He was in a foul mood his entire shift until Ellen sent his ass packing, saying he needed to get happier or get out. She was a helluva woman and scary enough to keep him in line, so he left and hoped a good night’s sleep would be the cure.


It wasn’t, but his brother Sam came over and they spent most of the day watching movies and playing video games because it was nice to just relax sometimes. They ordered pizza for dinner, laughed constantly for awhile just talking. He’d almost forgotten the blue eyes and the lame pickup lines, until Sammy left and he was alone again.

He did his best to push the whole thing to the back of his mind but Monday night when he went into work there was a familiar trench coat at the bar and messy black hair sticking up in every direction. He groaned internally doing his best to keep himself in check, just because the dude was back didn’t mean he was interested.

“What can I get ya?” He asked as he tied the apron around his waist.

“Hi, my name is Castiel… I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me sometime.”

A smile crept up his face involuntarily and he nodded while he scribbled something on a cocktail napkin and passed it over the bar before walking off with a smug grin to refill a pitcher for some sorority sisters. When he got back Castiel was still laughing and he thought it was one of the best sounds he’d ever heard.

The napkin read: My dick died, Can I bury it in your ass?

They went out for burgers at 3 am when Dean got off work and he’s not regretted it a moment since. They were gonna be something special together he just knew it. By the time breakfast rolled around they’d both fallen in love, and were more than happy to feed one another lame ass pickup lines.