My life was never easy. No, lemme rephrase that…my life as a slayer is never easy. I live in darkness and yet people say I am light. There was once upon a time that I hated my life.
While other girls worry about their appearances, I worry about vampires, demons and other minions from hell. Or when other normal people worry about making ends meet, I worry about whether today is the last day on earth for me.
Though I’m a slayer, I’m still a girl. I still have all the normal girly dreams. One of the clichéd one would be; I wish to find my Prince Charming.
But, who am I kidding. Having a social life while fighting demons is just hard to do. I mean think about it, how am I suppose to bail on a date when some demonic catastrophe happens and yet still be discreet about it? What am I suppose to say? “ Honey, I’m really enjoying myself tonight but I’ve gotta go stop an apocalypse. I’ll see you soon…if you’re still alive”…See what I mean?
But still, it doesn’t stop me from wishing of having a normal life. And I didn’t stop dreaming either. I was in denial. Heck, I was always in denial. I kept thinking that I could still do this and that while still fighting demons but in actual fact I can’t. Giles gave me numerous lectures about my responsibility as a slayer but of course I didn’t listen to him. I tried to have a normal life as much as I can. I tried to date, I joined the cheerleading squad and I had two best friends. That’s normal stuff, right?
Anyway, the date thing as expected, didn’t go well. The cheerleading squad? Let’s just say I picked the wrong time to not listen to Giles. But I get to keep my friends. At least I have one normal stuff with me. I mean, how many slayers can say; I have best friends? How about none?…well except for me that is.
I was starting to understand my role as a slayer then…he came along; My guardian Angel.
He was tall, very handsome and very buff. Anybody with eyes can see he’s a honey. There’s this mysterious depth in him that I find very intriguing and yet I always find a certain sadness in his eyes. I was attracted to him. Very attracted. We grew closer and slowly, became a part of my life. There’s one bad thing though; he’s a vampire. Well, actually he’s a vampire with a soul but like everyone tells me, a vampire is still a vampire.
But I couldn’t kill him. I don’t want to.
It was tough but eventually, my friends and watcher accepted him. Note; he was accepted, not trusted. But I couldn’t care less. I thought; finally, I found someone who understood my calling.
We started dating. We didn’t really go about the normal dating routine but we see each other almost every night during patrol. We share a few kisses here and a few kisses there. We soon became serious. The kind where it was hard to part when it’s time for day.
Before I even realized, I found myself completely and hopelessly in love with him. You know the kind of love you only read in romance novels or watch in movies? Well, that’s how I felt about him. Amidst the giddiness of being in love, I began to wonder; does he feel the same way about me?
You see, he literally is a really hard guy to figure out; all mysterious and dark. He isn’t really expressive either. So what’s a girl to do?...Well, I for one, did nothing and kept on wondering.
Sometimes I feel he does. The way he looks at me makes me feel like I’m the only one there. He makes me feel beautiful. The things he does for me like taking me out ice-skating just so I could relive my once, normal life. Or when he gets jealous of Xander or other guys…He’s soo adorably cute when he’s jealous. At times, he even make me feel like a normal girl.
Then, there are times when I feel his hostility towards me. He treats me like I’m a kid. Like as if I can’t understand how tough life is. It was confusing!
But, he was always there when I needed him. He understood me when other people can’t. Life was so much better with him around.
Then, when he finally confessed his love for me…oh god, I felt like I’m on top of the world. I cried tears of joy and held onto him so tight, wanting to show how deep my love is for him.
And when he made love to me, I was on cloud nine. I was terrified because I was naïve and well…how do you put it? Inexperienced? While he…let’s just say being with someone who’s been around for as long as he is, I had some big shoes to fill. A lot of big shoes to fill. But his constant declaration of love while we made love assured me. That night was the most beautiful night of my life.
However, when I experienced sheer contentment, he was in pain when his soul was ripped from him. He was no longer the man I knew. He became one of them; a demon. The torture he put me through was unbearable. There were days I wished that he would just kill me than give me this torment. But I couldn’t. I had to stay strong for the people who needed me and for the people who care about me.
I knew I had to destroy him. This was my toughest kill. I murdered the man who gave me the most beautiful gift. I felt guilty for killing him. Does that make me a bad person?
I still love him though. Even after all that he put me through, hurting the people I cared about, I still love him. Don’t ask me how because I don’t have the answer.
After that, I couldn’t stay. Every turn and nook of my town reminded me of him. I had to leave.
When I left, I was determined to start anew. But, he kept haunting me in my dreams. Those dreams led me back home.
I tried to move on and I almost did but…he came back. He was different now. His features were harsher. A part of me will never forgive myself for betraying him but his love for me still shone through and we went through our journey together again.
I love him even more than before now. It reached to the point where I couldn’t live without him.
But, he didn’t feel the same way. He felt he was depriving me from a life that I could have. I was so heartbroken and hurt and angry. For a long time, my emotions got the best of me and my irrational thoughts went something like this; couldn’t he understand that I can’t have a normal life? Or that I love him more than life itself? No, he didn’t. He was too stupid and too keen on being noble. Fine! I let him.
But deep down, I knew he was only doing the right thing. So, I did what he asked. I had a normal relationship. The new guy was nice. He was the kind of guy that you take home to your mum but I didn’t love him enough and he felt it. I tried but I couldn’t. Angel will always be number one. Nice guy didn’t want to be second best so he left too. It hurt…but I decided to focus on my calling to help me through.
Then, when my beloved mother passed away, Angel was there, holding my hand, helping me through the night. I missed being in his arms. It is only there that I feel safe. Still, I knew he couldn’t stay.
I moved on with my life, guyless, fighting my battles but still thought about Angel. I always think about him. Not a day passed by that I didn’t miss him.
Suddenly like the lore Giles tried so hard to imprint into me and like all the slayers before me, the last day on earth came; I died. It was scary but I remembered feeling at peace and I felt that this is where I’m supposed to be. I could feel all of my friends’ feelings from where I was. Their painful grieving and all. But I knew that they were going to be okay.
I also felt his pain. He took it harder than I expected. But, I knew he’ll be alright and found out that after years of separation, he still loves me. I was exultant. All this while, he was always trying to protect me from harm’s way. Now, it’s my turn. I’m going to watch him. Be his guardian angel as he was mine.
Everything was so peaceful where I was. It felt like heaven.
Unexpectedly, I was torn from it. I didn’t want to go back. Soon, I was back on earth and whether I liked it or not, I had to move on.
When the end of days came and he came back to offer his help, I turned him down thinking it would be better if he ran a second front in case I failed. But he knew the real reason why. He always knew me better. I could never hide from him. We got into an argument but at the end of it, he listened to me and went back. But this time, he wants his life to be with me.
Ha! Serves him right! I want him to eat his words up.
Still, I knew time wasn’t right for us. I wasn’t ready to be with him yet. I mentally spanked myself for deciding it but I knew it was the right thing to do. I want him to have cookie-me not cookie dough-me. I need to know that the next time we are reunited, we won’t be separated again. I couldn’t go through the pain again. He understood. That’s one thing about him that I love; his ability to understand me and believe me, I’m a tough person to understand.
But, I finally understood life. I’m not meant to make it right. Mistakes need to happen in order to understand it and I will continue to make bad decisions and wrong moves and that’s okay. My heart knows that Angel’s the one for me. I just have to stop trying so hard to make us work. I’ve been trying all my life and look where it got us? So, now, I’m letting nature run its course and I know I’ll be with him someday.
So, that’s what I’m doing. I’m baking myself into warm delicious cookies for him to enjoy and making as many mistakes as I can so that I can learn.
Now, I still miss him. I still think about him. It still hurts to be apart. I can’t hold his hand or feel his lips against mine or tousle his hair, but, the memories of the moments I had with him becomes my partner and it lightens my pain a little bit. My love for him grows with each passing day and it will continue growing till eternity.
The first slayer was wrong. Death wasn’t my gift, it was my responsibility. Angel is my gift; given to me by destiny.