I’ve been alive for a long, long while…For a long time in this world, I am an alien. I am alone. I am an outcast. I lived in darkness. I am…darkness. Honestly, it didn’t really bother me. I feel that this is what I deserve. In fact, I feel that I deserve worse for what I’ve done. No words can describe my brutality or the pain that I bring others. I had no compassion, no remorse. I had no feelings.
Then one day, my soul was returned. I experienced the pain I’ve caused, the lives I’ve taken. I had to know and understand emotions. But more importantly, I had to feel. To say that it was hard is an understatement. I feel as if I’m the lowest of all scum. I didn’t deserve to live.
It was many years later but like a shining light, she came. A light so bright that it dulls the darkness that enveloped me. I tried to walk away. I struggled…God, I struggled so hard. To not cast a shadow on this beautiful light, but everytime I struggled, she just shines brighter and brighter. Eventually, I stopped struggling and allowed my worthless self be embraced by this light.
She became my savior. My purpose for living. She became my everything, then….she became the only thing in the world to me. I found it impossible to stay away from her.
I never thought I could love. Actually, I don’t think I understand what love is but yet, somehow, someway…I knew what I felt for her was indescribable. I love her to my very core. I love her more than anything or anyone in my life. I didn’t think such love exists but clearly I was wrong.
The funny thing is, after knowing all my flaws, my past and my darkness, she’s able to look past it and by some form of unexplainable miracle...She loves me too. I knew then that I had made a grave mistake by shadowing this light. But by this time, I can’t seem to walk away. I didn’t even try.
Then, when she gave me her innocence, I was humbly honoured. She was a precious gift and I wanted to show her how much she means to me.
I’ve had sex multitudinous times but never in my immortal life had I made love to someone. Until that night. The feeling was indescribable. I was in heaven. That night I was in absolute bliss. I had never felt such joy and peace. It was surreal. I felt alive.
But, her purity turned me into a monster. To the monster I used to be. My worst nightmare had come true. Pain became my name again. I started killing like there was no tomorrow but I was worse to her. I tortured her soul. I maimed her and I did it without compunction. Still, she didn’t stop loving me. I saw it all and I saw how she welcomed my torture with open arms. I couldn’t understand why, but soon realised she blamed herself for my change. I hated myself for letting her believe that.
But somehow, she knew she had to fight her hardest enemy; Me. She finally found the strength to end all misery and send me to my rightful place; Hell. It was painful there but it was nothing compared to the pain I brought her. Now, I welcomed torture with open arms. Yes, hell is my place.
Then, I came back. I didn’t know why. But, the beautiful light that embraced me before was still shining for me. I couldn’t understand. How could she still feel, what more love, for me after all that I’ve done to her?
It was then I understood what true love is. She showed me. She caught me when I fell. Held my hand through the horrendous thunders in my life. People talked. They felt that I don’t deserve to live but she; she didn’t believe it. When I was convinced that I should end my life, she fought to prove me wrong. When the world was against me, she bravely fought them too. That was when I saw her strength. The love for me still stands strong. I thought I’ve loved her completely, but, I was wrong for now, I love her even more than before.
Still, the road was tough. The choices were harder and I’ve come to a realization that as much as I try to atone my sins, I still bring pain…to her; my lover, my life. I couldn’t give her any semblance of a normal life. The life that she rightfully deserved. I then made the hardest and most painful decision in my immortal life; I left her.
The pain was unbearable. I miss her everyday, every moment and every single minute, but deep down I knew I was doing the right thing. I went on with my life but I still knew about hers. She hate that but what can I do? I can’t stop loving her.
She moved on with hers, moved on to someone new. I tried to do the same but I couldn’t bring myself to. I envied the man she claimed she loved. My heart broke when she said she loved him. But, isn’t this why I left? The reason I broke her heart? If it is, then why does it feel so wrong? It was a harsh fact that I had to swallow. I still didn’t stop loving her though.
When the man left her, I wanted to kill him. But, I knew that I was hypocrite because I was once that man; the one who left and broke her heart. But, she was stronger than before…she moved on. Still, I knew I couldn’t go back to her. I had people who needed me…who depended on me.
Just when she thought her life was snatched away from her when she was the chosen one, the worse was yet to come. Her mother; her role model and friend, passed away. She took it on like a soldier but I knew her. She was breaking inside. This time, I caught her when she fell. My lover was different. Her light was fading. I held her hand and allowed her to lean on me. Still, we stayed apart.
Life went on and I had been through a lot on my own. She fought her own battles and I fought mine. Then, suddenly, my world came to a devastating halt. My life was turned upside down. The love of my life, the very purpose of my living…departed the world. I felt like dying. The one person who matters to me, who taught me to love and to be strong left me alone in this mortal world. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I couldn’t go on with my life. But I knew if she could see me, she wouldn’t want me to be that way. She would want me to keep on fighting and that’s what I did; I fought. I didn’t want her death to mean nothing.
Life kept on going and I kept on fighting. Then, the unbelievable happened; she came back. I felt like she was given back to me. I was elated but we both knew…our paths were too different by then so we went on with our lives…separately.
When the end of days was drawing near, I went to her and saw that the light was suddenly beginning to shine again. But, I knew she was different. Someone else had touched her. Someone is in her life but this time, she didn’t tell me. She didn’t have to. I knew. I was furious for she deserved someone better. We got into an argument; is it weird that I really missed arguing with her? But at the end of it, she assured me that she didn’t love him and I know that it’s true. I walked away once again but this time I made a decision.
I want my life to be with her.
After years apart, it finally became clear to me. We’re soulmates. Now, I know the reason her light was fading…it was because of me. She probably don’t see it but her light signifies her strength; it signifies me. Her light shined for me. I was wrong back then; from the very beginning, her light shined for me. It was my mark on her and now, she was wearing it for everyone to see. All of it fell into place. It was then I realised everything. She was the reason I came back from hell. Our time apart allowed us to grow stronger individually and with this strength, we’ll find each other again. We always will. I realize that every single day that passes, my love for her grew and it has been growing ever since I first saw her.
Is it possible to love someone too much? I don’t think so because my love for her surpasses all barriers. It goes deeper than the ocean. More than words can say. I love all of her. I love her strength, her courage, her flaws but most of all, I love her for loving me. How can someone so dainty possess all these qualities? I’ll never know.
Throughout the years, I may be fond of other people but my heart will only speak her name. My soul will only bear her mark. She’ll always be the woman I love. Now, at this moment, I still miss her everyday, every moment, and with each passing day, I’m falling even more in love with her. I’m still waiting for her. I’m looking forward to the day when our dream comes true and with each day that passes, I know I’m getting closer. Until then, I will keep loving her. My love will keep growing and when we are reunited, no one can tear us apart.
I am no longer drowning in darkness. I am filled with light. Her light. I am no longer alone because, I have a soulmate, friends and family. I am no longer an outcast for I am loved by Buffy Anne Summers.
Buffy Anne Summers; My Light, My Savior, My Lover….and always, My Life.