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Monday AM

(10:30) How much do you reckon McGonagall will kill me for flooding her office?

(10:32) Who is McGonagall? And personally, I don’t receive well with having my own things flooded.

(10:33) What do you mean who’s McGonagall? How hard did Lily hit you this time? She’s only the love of my life.

(10:34) Oh shit. New phone. Wrong number. Sorry.

(10:35) I figured. It’s ok. But if she’s the love of your life, why are you flooding her office?

(10:40) She’s not really the love of my life. She’s my professor and head of house. I’d like to think we have some unrequited love though.

(10:41) I get the vague impression she deals with a lot of shit with you.

(10:41) …yeah, but she secretly loves it.

(10:41) In that case, I’ll leave you two to it.

 

Monday PM

(3:45) I got 3 months detention and 24 death threats.

(3:46) Wrong number again.

(3:46) No no, I’m updating you. I flooded an entire floor of dormitories. It was brilliant.

(3:47) Not to be mean, Random Stranger Who Texted the Wrong Number, but don’t you have friends you can tell this to?

(3:47) Also, floor of dormitories? Where the hell are you?

(3:38) All my friends were there, Random Stranger Who Keeps Replying.

(3:38) I’m at boarding school. Don’t get the wrong impression though, I’m totally punk rock.

(3:40) Anyone who has to say they are punk rock are entirely not punk rock at all.

(3:40) Whatever. I’m punk rock. I don’t need to prove myself to you.

(3:41) Well don’t get all sulky now. Why did you flood your professor’s office?

(3:41) It wasn’t her office I was aiming for, but unfortunately it’s on the same floor as certain persons dorm rooms.

(3:41) They were the target. Simply bc they’re dicks.

(3:45) You sound a bit like a dick.

(3:47) We’ve gone through this. I’m punk rock.

(3:53) I have to go to my first detention now. Good bye stranger.

*

Wednesday MIDDAY

(12:07) Do they have decent food at boarding school?

(12:10) Hello to you too. Thanks for consoling me on my detention journey.

(12:10) Drama queen. Come on. Food. Good?

(12:13) Not really. Unless you like to eat cardboard and meat mashups.

(12:14) Meat mashup sounds interesting.

(12:15) Not until there’s no longer meat in the meat mashup and it’s just pulverized peas and gravy and breadcrumbs.

(12:16) Is that what you’re having now?

(12:16) Right now I have a juice box bc I don’t trust what’s in the soup. Last time there was a sock.

(12:16) And I wasn’t even the one who put it there.

(12:17) Are juice boxes punk rock?

(12:17) Duck off Ads hole.

(12:17) WOW.

(12:18) ARGH. IT’S A NEW PHONE. **FUCK OFF ARSEHOLE.

(12:18) Amazing. The eloquence.

(12:18) I guess your lunch is better than mine, is it?

(12:19) I thought it wouldn’t be, but you’ve proven me wrong. I have pumpkin soup and jelly. It was either this or sandwiches made of sponges.

(12:20) Jelly? Are you 5?

(12:21) Bugger off. Don’t be jelly of my jelly.

(12:21) You didn’t

(12:22) I did and will now see myself out. Have fun with detention tonight.

 

Wednesday PM

(1:01) You were texting at lunch but me and Pete were right there.

(1:01) You don’t have other friends.

(1:02) How dare you, I have a whole plethora of acquaintances that I can call upon when your ugly arse does not deliver.

(1:03) Liar.

(1:10) Oh come on, you’re not ignoring me now.

(1:11) Did I need to respond to something?

(1:11) Don’t play idiot. You do that naturally enough.

(1:12) The wrong number I texted the other day. They asked if boarding school food was any good.

(1:13) They know you go to boarding school? Did you also give them your blood type and home address?

(1:13) Dude.

(1:14) What about your DNA sequence? Make it easier for them to just clone you.

(1:14) What are you even on about.

(1:15) It’s just weird that this random knows you go to a boarding school.

(1:15) You’re just overreacting, man. They don’t know which boarding school I go to. They don’t even know my name. I don’t their name. Shit, idek their gender.

(1:16) Whatever, Pads. Just don’t get murdered, yeah?

(1:17) I don’t want to have to bury your body. You’re too fuckin heavy, man.

(1:17) Thank you for caring.

*

(1:15) Hey, what’s your name?

(1:18) Not happening.

(1:18) Is that what your mother calls you?

(1:19) No, but at the same time she does call me Pumpkin and Sweetheart, does not mean that’s my name either.

(1:20) You’ve opened a door here, Sweetheart, that you probably shouldn’t have.

(1:20) Shit.

(1:21) What about gender then? Boy, girl, in between, both, none, come on.

(1:22) Are you putting me on Craigslist?

(1:23) Ok fine, I’m a boy.

(1:30) Is this a disappointing establishment?

(1:40) Whatever.

*

Thursday AM

(9:04) I got my phone taken off me. Sorry.

(9:17) C’mon. You’re not mad, right? What for?

(9:30) Were you texting in class?

(9:34) Ah, yeah, and I’m doing it again.

(9:40) Such a waste.

(9:41) Shut up. It’s history. Boring.

(9:42) What are you learning?

(9:43) French Revolution. So much forehead.

(9:46) J'aime la Révolution française! remet-toi au travail, connard.

(9:46) Oh my god I should have known you were one of those people. I don’t even have google translate but I’m pretty sure you just swore at me.

(9:48) Hardly.

(9:50) I bet you sweet talk all the girls with your French.

(9:50) Are you a girl?

(9:51) No. Is this a disappointing establishment?

(9:51) Honestly, what was up with that?

(9:52) Nothing. Never mind.

(9:53) No, c’mon you were pissed.

(9:55) I just thought that… you would stop talking to me if you knew I wasn’t a girl. Because I assumed you were a bloke. And that maybe

(9:55) I dunno. Forget it.

(9:55) Did you think I would stop texting you bc you weren't a girl and therefor would not want to interact with you bc obviously I AM A HETERO SEX FIEND?

(9:56) That’s… a strange way of putting it. But yeah, something like that.

(10:00) Now isn’t the time to go silent.

(10:01) IM SORRU IN JUSY LAUDJING SP HARD YOU ARW AN IDOT OG MYGOS

(10:01) Thank you. Thank you so much.

(10:02) You’re an idiot. I like you. Not enough to get my phone confiscated again though. I’ll talk to you later, Pumpkin.

(10:02) T'es con.

 

Thursday MIDDAY

(12:32) What do you do when your best mate is being a dickhead but no amount of explanation (including diagrams) will convince him that he is being a dickhead?

(12:35) Resort to physical violence, I imagine.

(12:35) Ok, let’s narrow it. He’s being a dickhead about a girl.

(12:36) My suggestion still stands.

(12:37) I’VE TRIED. MAN HAVE I TRIED.

(12:37) Is your friend and this girl dating?

(12:38) No. He just pines.

(12:38) Then I think he’s being punished enough, hm?

(12:39) You’d think so, but in between the pining is bursts of ‘SHE LOOKED AT ME’ and ‘SHE DIDN’T SWEAR AT ME TODAY’. He’s too happy to be unhappy.

(12:40) I admire his optimism.

(12:41) Are you jealous of his pining?

(12:42) NO WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT

(12:43) WELL YOUR ALARMED REACTION SEEMS TO SUGGEST OTHERWISE.

(12:45) It’s not jealously. Just annoying maybe.

(12:45) And idk, he just seems so sure that she’s ‘the one’. Although he’s never said those words. He’s an idiot, not a sap.

(12:46) I don’t follow. Why does your friend having found ‘the one’ make you annoyed?

(12:47) You’re gonna make me say it, aren’t you?

(12:47) ????? Yes.

(12:48) Bc maybe I would like to find ‘the one’ also. And I’m annoyed bc he seems to have found it so easily. This is stupid.

(12:48) How old are you?

(12:49) How dare you! You cannot simply just ask a lady her age! The travesty!

(12:53) Ok, I’m 17.

(12:54) I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure it’s completely natural to not have found ‘the one’ at age 17.

(12:54) Doesn’t make it suck any less.

(12:54) Just do what every other teenage boy does.

(12:55) Do I want to ask…

(12:56) ;-)

(12:57) I’m terminating now. We’ve reached a weird level.

(12:57) But seriously, don’t worry about not finding the one. It’ll work out eventually.

(12:58) And until then, your suggestion is wanking.

(12:59) I’m also 17, not a psychologist.

(12:59) Yeah, but you don’t have to share a dorm with two other blokes.

(1:00) No, but I do share a sleeping space with five other people.

(1:00) That is why the world invented toilets.

(1:00) I’ll be sure to remember that. In the mean time, I’m going to go to Chemistry now and not think about wanking for fear of something embarrassing happening. I’ll miss you, Darling Pie.

(1:01) Those two sentences should not be next to each other.

*

Friday EVENING

(10:54) AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HONEYDUNKS

(10:55) what the hell

(10:58) JOW YOU DOIN AMN

(10:59) is this drunk texting because i really cant with it right now

(11:01) COME ONNNNN PIKUMPLIN

(11:02) i wanna sleep. please stop texting me.

(11:03) COME ONT HTAS NO FUN

(11:03) I WIAS THINKNIG ABOUT YOU

(11:04) ID REALLY LIEKY TO KNOW YOUERNAME

(11:04) OR ANTTHING

(11:05) BOTH MY FRIENDS DFELL ASELEEP AGTER AN HOUR

(11:05) IT WAS ONLT BEER

(11:05) if i tell you something will you let me go back to sleep??

(11:06) WHOS EVEN ALEPE AT THIS TIME OFNF A FRIDAY LOOOOSER

(11:06) IM DKIDDIGN

(11:07) YESS ILLL LETTYOU SLEP IF YOU ANSWED ONE THIBG

(11:07) will you please stop talking in capitals

(11:08) dine

(11:08) gine

(11:08) **&*fine

(11:09) what do you want to know

(11:10) aer you a virgisn??

(11:10) wow im so glad im awake for this

(11:11) yout the 1 who told tme to wank ouy my feeligns

(11:11) yes i am a virgin

(11:12) can i go back to sleep now?

(11:13) I guesss

(11:13) I eman

(11:13) I am tooo so yto know its not tha big a deal if u thought it szwas

(11:14) Swwweet cakes?

(11:15) Dumplins?

(11:16) Godonightw tiger

*

Saturday AM

(7:15) GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE

(7:15) I HOPE YOU HAVE TEXT ALERT ON

(7:15) OR THE PHONE IS AT LEAST SITUATED NEAR YOUR HEAD SO THE VIBRATION DRILLS HOLES INTO YOUR BRAIN.

(7:16) why

(7:16) why would you do this

(7:17) I don’t know, Virgin Queen, why does anyone do anything?

(7:18) to cause me misery?

(7:19) Yes.

(7:20) Hang on… Virgin Queen?

(7:20) Scroll up, Your Highness.

(7:25) Oh no

(7:25) Oh yes.

(7:26) My reputation!

(7:26) Now the whole world knows I’m a sham! I can never show my face again!

(7:27) This isn’t my low self esteem talking, but I don’t think I’m ‘the whole world’.

(7:27) Oh but Honey Pumpkin you are my whole world.

(7:27) Do I have to tell you again that 17 and a virgin still isn’t a bad thing?

(7:30) Idk, are you going to tell me to wank again?

(7:31) You really can’t get over that can you.

(7:32) It’s not everyday a stranger suggests to you to crack one out.

(7:33) Well it’s not everyday a stranger drunkenly texts you to find out if you’re a virgin.

(7:35) Touche.

(7:36) I’m sorry about that

(7:36) It was probably out of line.

(7:37) ’Probably’

(7:37) Ok ok I’m sorry!

(7:38) I wouldn’t have minded so much if I wasn’t trying to sleep off a headache.

(7:38) Which is why I have cruelly woken you this morning.

(7:39) Well you got me. I have puked twice.

(7:39) I’ve been there.

(7:40) So… how’s your headache this morning?

(7:41) Fine… thank you. But I have to go now. I’ll let you go back to sleep.

(7:42) Hah, thanks man.

(7:42) Uh… have nice day.

(7:43) Yeah. You too.

*

Sunday PM

(2:43) So, drunken me has saved your number as ‘Pumpkin Tit’ and I think we need to rectify this.

(2:43) Mostly bc my mate Prongs thinks it’s a little offensive.

(2:44) Why do I doubt it was ‘drunk you’ that named the contact Pumpkin Tit?

(2:44) Is it possibly because ‘sober you’ refers to your friend as ‘Prongs’?

(2:45) By Jove I think it is!

(2:45) Shut up, it’s a well established nickname.

(2:46) And if you don’t tell me your real name, I’ll have to nickname you too. Maybe something that isn’t Pumpkin Tit.

(2:47) What’s your nickname, then?

(2:47) Padfoot.

(2:48) Are you in a gang? Is this an initiation?

(2:48) Do you want to be forever known as Pumpkin Tit???

(2:49) Well, no…

(2:50) Then describe yourself. Give me something to base the name off.

(2:51) Did you come up with Padfoot and Prongs?

(2:51) Yep. And Wormtail. You don’t wanna know why we call him that.

(2:52) Now come on. Descriptions.

(2:52) This sounds like a thinly veiled sext attempt.

(2:53) Yeah and it might very well be, //Pumpkin Tit//.

(2:53) Are you going to risk it.

(2:54) Fine, fine. I, uh, like reading. I’m trying to read now but some imbecile called ‘Padfoot’ keeps messaging me. Um…

(2:54) I suddenly don’t know a thing about myself.

(2:55) That’s how it usually goes. Describe yourself physically.

(2:55) Wow this is a sext

(2:56) You don’t have anything I don’t. Unless you really do have pumpkin tits.

(2:56) There’s a lot of take and no give here.

(2:57) Fine. Black hair. Chiseled jaw. High cheekbones, dazzling smile, sparkling teeth, luscious hair, toned body, most handsome man on the face of the earth.

(2:59) Light brown hair, green eyes, canine teeth, scrawny body, pale skin, am actually a vampire.

(3:01) But you said canine teeth.

(3:01) Hang on… pale skin?

(3:02) It’s almost luminous.

(3:03) Like, say… the moon?

(3:03) I guess that’s a popular description.

(3:04) I’ve got it.

(3:04) Drum roll, please.

(3:05) *drum rolls regrettably*

(3:06) Moony!

(3:06) Oh Christ.

(3:06) It’s good! Come on, you love it.

(3:07) Don’t you?

(3:07) I guess it’s better than Pumpkin Tit.

(3:09) Welcome to the gang, Moony.

(3:10) Thanks, Padfoot.