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The (Un)Bastardized

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It had been a good day. A quiet day. A first contact mission to a new planet went successfully, Jim shook hands with an alien king who respected him, and came back to dinner and movie and sex. All with Spock, the person he adored.

It had been a great day. A perfect day even.

Jim sighed, tracing his fingers over Spock’s shoulder blades as Spock attempted to burrow into Jim’s chest. While he’d had a good day, the new planet was a rainy, muddy world. Spock was still chilly, Jim could tell.

He leaned down to kiss Spock on the head. “You okay?”

“... yes.” Spock said after a long moment “I am merely contemplating.”

“Yeah? About the new planet?”

“Doctor McCoy.” Spock said, and Jim frowned, then chuckled. “Well unless there’s something your not telling me, that’s quite the unusual topic for post-coital contemplation times. Don’t you usually meditate on how awesome I am in the sack or something?”

“I usually think about my enormous regard for you, yes.” Spock replies dryly, “however, it seems as if you are stroking your own ego just fine this evening.”

Jim smiled sheepishly, sending his apology through the bond instead of aloud. Spock hummed in acknowledgement and shivered again, making Jim pull the covers tighter around him.

“Since we’re talking about him, you did see him right? It’s not normal for you to be this cold this long after.” Jim asked, concerned. Spock nodded.

“I saw him, yes. And I am fine. I was merely contemplating my visit to him.”

“Yeah?” Jim hummed, kissing his head again.

“... I do not like it when he uses the term “bastard””

Jim frowned again, and looked down at him “Yeah? Out of all the things he says- you know he calls you shit because he cares, right? He’s abrasive because he’s worried about you and wants you to be okay.”

“I am aware of the doctor’s unique form of platonic affection, yes,” Spock said, pursing his lips like he was thinking about how to phrase something. “I do not understand why it affects me today, except for he called me a bastard more than usual.”

“And you don’t like that term now.”

“I have never enjoyed what that term implies,” Spock said, sounding abruptly irritated.

“You know no one actually thinks of it by its original implication anymore, right?” Jim asked, confused.

Spock snorted, “humans don’t perhaps. Vulcans don’t forget so easily.”

Jim felt a familiar anger well up in his chest- one he would never get to quench because 98% of the bastards who had given Spock’s insecurities insecurities had died on Vulcan. He tamped it down.

“I’m sorry,” Jim said honestly. “I can ask him to stop?”

“No, no.” Spock shook his head “I will… I believe the phrase is get over it.”

“If it’s bothering you all these years later, I don’t think you’re getting over it sweetie.”

Spock sighed, warm air ghosting across Jim’s skin.

“It was hardly uncommon, the insults to my parents. They were harder to deal with than the insults to me.” Spock grimaced, “someone called my mother a whore once. It was the only time I responded with violence. No one ever used that phrase again.”

“Bones has way too much respect for the dead to ever call Amanda a whore,” Jim promised, running a soothing hand down Spock’s spine.

“I know,” Spock said softly, “but his use of the term bastard will likely not change. My mother she… everything was public for us. The mighty ambassador Sarek and his mixed family. People used to say all we were missing was an andorian butler, since we had one of everything else.”

In a vague attempt to lighten the mood, Jim projected an image of a tiny spock in a suit being held by a tall andorian, also in a suit. It worked, some of the tension bleeding out of him.

“The public knew about every miscarriage she had,” Spock continued. “There were… a lot. I was the final attempt before the doctors would force her to have a hysterectomy. Someone leaked my first ultrasounds to the press…”

Spock trailed off, and Jim kissed his head again. He knew what it was like to have a public childhood. He knew how much it sucked. He also knew a little bit about being a miracle baby... but it didn't change how awful that must have been for Spock. And it didn't stop the rush of gratitude- if the doctors had said to stop one baby earlier, if Amanda herself had given up, He wouldn't have Spock, and that was a scenario that he couldn't bear to think about. 

“After I was born,” Spock said softly, “everyone had an opinion of me. I was a newborn and I was already wrong.” He sighed, “one of the opinions came when the tabloids decided that after so many miscarriages, it was impossible that Amanda had a child of sarek, and must have mated with someone else.”

“I’m so sorry, baby, that sucks so much.” Jim said softly, and Spock nodded.

They were quiet for a while, and then Spock said, “she would have never.”

“Who, your mom? I know that sweetie-“

“She literally wouldn’t, jim.” Spock said, looking up at him. “You know how a bond is, how it feels. Imagine betraying that.”

Jim winced in spite of himself- the very thought of betraying that beautiful spot in his head that radiated Spockness made him sick.

“And even without the bond,” Spock swallowed and glanced down, “my parents were… very much in love. My father tried not to show it, but he was taken with her, always.”

Jim has nothing to say. What could he say? He knew sarek missed his wife. He knew Spock missed his mother.

“Tell me about them,” He asked, and Spock was quiet. And then he began.

“There were always fresh flowers in father’s study. An illogical thing, but I never saw them wilt. Mother grew hings by season, so she would have the same flowers for months. As a child I was certain she was employing  some sort of magic to make never wilting flowers instead of just replacing them…"

Spock talked for a while, about his mom and her relationship with Sarek. Jim started to nod off- not because he wasn't interested, that had just become his reaction to Spock's voice. 

"... Jim?" Spock said after a while. 

"Mm? I'm still here."

"If you could have... She would have loved you. Almost as much as I do."

Jim smiled sleepily, feeling warm. He squirmed down and gave Spock a long kiss. 

"I love her too," Jim said softly. "She gave me you, how could I not?"

Spock kissed him again, and they curled up for sleep.

(And if Jim had a secret conversation with Bones the next day, Spock was none the wiser)