He didn’t deserve this.
He didn’t deserve him .
Kakashi shuddered, swallowing back the moan that bubbled at the edge of his parted lips, right before it could spill.
His body was cold under Obito’s hot fingers - they burned him everywhere they touched, slowly leaving trails of searing heat across his skin - melting him along with the nails racking his pale flesh and the cock steadily spearing into his body; deeper, deeper, deeper; desperately trying to reach him.
But Kakashi stubbornly stayed as unreachable as one could in his situation; his right, remaining eye staring up at the ceiling to distance himself from the man on top of him as much as possible.
To distance himself from this .
From the fire in the pit of his stomach. From the sickness in his gut. From the way his cock twitched, the way his thighs quivered, the way his head buzzed, the way his throat tightened, the way his breath stuttered, the way his heart throbbed.
He tried to distance himself from it all.
“We should stop this.”
It was easy to tell that Obito knew exactly what he meant - the frustration growing in the man’s lone eye was a dead giveaway - and yet --
“Stop what ?”
Kakashi responded despite knowing he didn’t even really need to; wordlessly and vaguely waving his hand at him, at himself - at them.
Obito snorted humorlessly.
“Obito, you know it’s for the best.”
“I said no, Kakashi.”
Obito’s soft words felt sharp like daggers against his bared throat; they cut him each time the heat of his breath molded against the cold skin of Kakashi's neck, sending chills down his spine and making goosebumps prickle across his entire body.
His scarred, burning lips dragged down along the terrible scar tissue on Kakashi’s pale chest; kissing, licking, sucking; desperately trying to mark him. His hips rolled; another deep, deep thrust that striked Kakashi into his core and sent a moan of approval rolling its way up his throat, threatening to escape his mouth until he stubbornly bit his lip to prevent it from leaving him.
“It’d just be better. Both for you and for me.”
“It’d be better for us to break up ?” Obito’s right eye narrowed in what seemed to be annoyance now, “Because we’re going through a hard time ?”
“Are you- Seriously, Kakashi, just- Are you hearing yourself sometimes ? You don’t fix a relationship by leaving, that’s not how it works.”
“Obito,” Kakashi sighed tiredly, “I already explained myself.”
“Yeah you did, and it didn’t make any sense. You don’t leave someone because you love them !”
“Of course I do. That’s the decent thing to do when they’re obviously unhappy with me. I just want you to-”
“I’m unhappy because she’s fucking dead ! ”
Obito’s voice cracked, and whatever was left of Kakashi’s exhausted heart cracked along with it.
Kakashi watched, from where he sat on the bed, as a shuddering gasp escaped Obito’s quivering lips; his scarred, shaky hand running down the disfigured right half of his face in agitation. A long exhale then left that same pair of lips, and Obito managed to compose himself again, his hand limply falling back to his side and his lone eye flicking back up to look at him once more.
“...That’s how it is, Kakashi.” he said with a weak shrug, “We’re both miserable because she was taken away from us. And now, instead of trying to work through it, you’re telling me you want to break up because I’m sad that she’s gone. How does that make any fucking sense ?”
“That’s not what I-”
“That’s exactly what you’re saying !”
Kakashi’s guts twisted. He felt sick. Sick with the mixture of love, guilt and disgust pooling in his chest.
Disgust in himself.
Disgust in this .
He hated it.
Hated how much, even now , he loved the way the tip of Obito’s fingers dug into the soft flesh of his ass, holding him and pulling him closer, still trying to push even deeper. Deeper and deeper and deeper - trying to go so deep he’d never be able to leave.
Kakashi wished that was possible.
He hated how much of a hypocrite he was.
But as long as Obito couldn't tell, that was fine. At least, if there was one thing Kakashi was good at, it was concealing the way he felt, distancing himself, staring up at a random spot on the ceiling and never letting his eye look away, not even for just a second - not wanting to see the face Obito was making and to feel his resolve crumbling more than it already was. He had to stay impartial for Obito’s sake. It might hurt him a little at first, but he was going to be fine afterwards - better than he would ever be with Kakashi, who at this point was nothing but an old band-aid polluting his wound.
The least Kakashi could do was rip that very band-aid off for him.
And so this was okay. He was fine with just looking across from him, feigning indifference, ignoring the way the blood in his veins sang Obito’s name and enjoying the sight of the white ceiling instead.
But evidently, there was no way it could be that easy.
Because every time; every single second he managed not to think about Obito; his mind would unfailingly bring him back to her . To her laughter, her smile, so radiant and never failing to trigger Obito’s dazzling grin.
The two of them used to shine so bright together, even just looking at them hurt at times.
And yet they’d somehow accepted him.
Him, with his dullness and his monotomy; a barely functioning human being who just wasn’t meant to shine in any way anymore ever since his father had decided to --
...But they’d accepted him and gave him a taste of what it was like to feel more alive than dead. And right as he was beginning to get used to it, it all went crashing right into a truck on an ironically bright, beautiful afternoon.
(Because of him.)
What would she say if she could see them; so miserable, even after all these months. If she could see how easily everything had fallen apart as soon as she’d left.
(Because of him.)
If she could see the way Kakashi had been hurting Obito ever since - just by being with him - because he was so guilty and distant and guilty and just so, so, so tired , too exhausted to be there for anyone, not even for the only loved one he had left.
What would Rin say --
A shuddering breath ripped from his throat when Obito reached him again, bringing him back to reality when his cock hit his prostate and sent a shockwave of disgusting pleasure through him.
Obito’s lips and tongue were hot and gentle on his neck, so unbearably gentle; like he knew Kakashi was on the brink of shattering at the slightest touch and he did everything he could to envelop him in warmth without breaking him.
Kakashi hated himself for making him do that, making him worry about him even now, when he was the one hurting him again.
Obito had always been too kind to him.
He remembered all those nights when Obito would slip underneath the covers behind him and wrap his arms around him without a word - how warm the tears silently leaking against the nape of his neck felt nearly every night; how the sound of Obito’s stifled sobs echoed through him until he would fall asleep.
Obito always cried enough for the both of them.
And he always tried for the both of them.
He was always the one reaching out, putting the effort into their collapsing relationship and dragging them both outside, on dates where none of them was really fully present - because there wasn’t a third chair around the table and they would brutally be reminded the reason why every single time they would look at each other and see the scars disfiguring them both.
Kakashi was just back to square one - hardly trying anything at all, not even being alive, really. Instead of helping Obito carry their burden like he knew he should, he was just an additional, growing weight on the man’s slumped shoulders; and he couldn’t just pretend he wasn’t fully aware that he was the problem.
Deep down, he wished he had been the one sitting on the backseat of the car instead of Rin, that day. It was a fact, it would have been simpler. She and Obito would have worked through everything together - grown even stronger from it, probably.
But Kakashi had always been broken, and tired, and weak to begin with. And right now Obito needed the exact opposite of what he was.
“You’ll have to find a better excuse if you really want me to leave.”
The resolve was audible in Obito’s words as he sat onto the desk chair near the bed, crossing his arms and clearly not intending to get out of the apartment and live his life like Kakashi wanted him to.
“I’m tired of this bullshit, Kakashi. Your act isn’t working on me.”
Kakashi didn’t even need to look at him to know he was staring at him like he was waiting for something.
And he knew exactly what that ‘something’ was.
He fell silent.
He had no idea how much time had passed.
Ten minutes ? An hour ?
All Obito knew was that he was tired.
Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
He was exhausted.
His body was hot. His eyes were burning. His blood was boiling. His head was buzzing.
But he didn’t care.
Not as long as he remained buried inside Kakashi. And although he knew it was impossible, he was still going to try to remain etched into him forever and never leave. He didn’t care.
Even when his energy was leaving him and his body was beginning to rebel against him, forcing him to slow his thrusts. He kept going.
Even if his cock was no longer hard but merely sliding inside Kakashi uselessly; he kept moving, not planning to let either of them finish. Not until he had managed to rid him of those stupid thoughts first.
He was so stupid.
Kakashi was so goddamn stupid.
“Look at me.” Obito said, pushing himself up on his arms and staring down at the eye that still wouldn’t acknowledge him.
Kakashi’s whole body was limp beneath him, drained of its energy much like it was every day lately; his eye still stubbornly not looking while his scarred chest heaved with harsh breaths. Obito pressed a soft kiss to the scar tissue crossing Kakashi’s left, empty eye, unsure whether he’d even heard him.
“Kakashi, I love y-”
Obito took a deep breath in, attempting to keep whatever composure was left in him, his hips slowing down and his thrusts finally coming to a stop. “...No ?” he repeated, eyebrows knitting together and eye sharpening, “No what ?”
His left hand was pinning Kakashi to the mattress while his scarred hand grabbed his chin with palpable repressed aggression.
“No, you don’t want to hear it ?” he asked, voice tight with badly concealed anger as he searched his gaze, “No, I don’t love you ?”
Without a word, Kakashi finally stared back into his eye, only giving him silence as an answer.
He was so infuriatingly dumb .
“You really do have a thing for deciding how I feel, don’t you, Kakashi ?”
“I killed her.”
Kakashi’s shoulders dropped even lower as soon as the words left his mouth, like uttering them simultaneously emptied him of his energy and added more weight on top of him.
He clearly saw Obito’s body mirror the reaction - perhaps also out of relief in his case, since he had finally forced the sentence out of Kakashi’s mouth after what felt like a hours-long argument; and more importantly after all these months.
“...So that’s what it is after all.” Obito said with a bitter nod, because of course he’d always known. Although Kakashi had been pretending not to be affected by culpability this whole time, it had always been clear that Obito knew the truth, considering the immeasurable amount of times he’d made sure to repeat that he had no reason to blame himself. “Let me guess. You think that’s also the way I see it.” a sharp chuckle left him as he continued, but he looked like he was about to cry, “Knowing you, you probably even think I hate you, while you’re at it ?”
Although Kakashi’s lack of responses was undoubtedly irritating Obito even more during times like these, he still knew him well enough to be able to read his silences by now; to know when they meant no, and in this case, to know when they meant yes.
Obito wanted to punch his face in - the fist slightly twitching at his side was a telltale sign.
“If there’s one fucking thing I should hate you for, it’s the fact that you think I’d blame you for what happened.” Obito gritted through an audibly tight throat, “I can’t believe how stupid you can be sometimes.”
This time, he anticipated Kakashi’s silence and continued.
“I keep telling you it wasn’t your fault !” he said, exasperated, “For fuck’s sake, Kakashi. You know it’s all in your head. The accident would have happened no matter who was behind the wheel.”
Kakashi was aware that he wasn’t lying.
In fact, the police and the witnesses had also all agreed with those words.
It just didn’t change a thing. Guilt was a weight that never stopped crushing him, whether he even really deserved it or not - and Kakashi's culpability was far from being the only problem; the conversation was slowly deriving from the point.
“And besides, why would I work my ass off to make this work if I hated you ? I-”
“That’s not the-” Kakashi spoke finally, interrupting himself with a tired sigh before continuing, not wanting to focus on the wrong issue anymore, “Whether you hate me or not honestly doesn’t even matter here. The facts are still the same either way, and even you agree with me, since you just said it yourself.” he shrugged.
“What ?” Obito asked with a sigh, clearly annoyed with the smart-ass motion of Kakashi’s shoulder. “What did I say ?”
“You’re working your ass off to make this work. And I’m not. This isn’t going anywhere and we both know it’s because of me. I’ve always been terrible at making relationships work." he explained, making sure to leave 'even now that I actually wanted it to work for once' unsaid, "I’m only making things worse on you. I can tell.”
“No. It’s the truth, Obito. And you're just ignoring it !" Kakashi’s tired eye looked at him with a glint of anger that was mostly directed at himself as he rose from the bed, the tone of his deep voice rising, “I’m never here for you when you need me. I’m just- I’m never really here. Even right now ! I’m just deadweight that you’re carrying around and I’m only going to keep dragging you down with me if we keep this up. You don’t want to admit it, but it’s the truth. You already have enough to deal with and you don’t need another burden. You deserve someone that can support you and that isn’t-”
Kakashi didn’t even flinch as he was pushed against the closet, nor did he attempt to shield his face because honestly, it was a long time coming. Obito had had an incalculable amount of occasions where he could have just punched him in the face during the past months, just like he clearly wanted to - and perhaps that was what Kakashi wanted him to do, as well.
But the hit never came and Obito’s lips crashing against his, his hands ripping his pants down and his mouth wrapping around his cock hurt him more than any punch could ever have. And perhaps that was also what Kakashi wanted, deep down, because he instantaneously tangled his fingers in Obito’s dark hair and pushed him as close to him as he could - just one last time.
He was such a pathetic hypocrite.
“I’m not leaving you.”
Kakashi opened his mouth to protest, but Obito didn’t let him as he continued.
“I don’t give a shit what you have to say, Kakashi. I’m not fucking leaving.” his hips pressed down against his, burying his semi-erect cock as far as it could go. “You’re not getting rid of me just because you think you know what’s best for me. You don’t get to decide what I think and what I feel.”
He slowly pulled his hips back, watched as Kakashi took in a deep breath through his nose before letting it go with a shaky exhale when Obito bucked his hips into him again, his scarred, shaky fingers stroking his silver hair back and his tone softening as he continued.
“I don’t hate you. I’d never- God, how did you even get that stupid idea in your head ?” his arms slipped underneath him, pulling him unbearably close, his thrusts losing their rhythm, “I love you, dumbass. I love you. I love you so much. I need you.”
Kakashi's breath came out as even shakier than the previous ones, the sickness in his stomach increasing. Obito’s emotions had always been more or less bared, but now they were completely skinned raw, spreading their blood all over him and drowning him in unwanted warmth; each word crashing against his resolve like a wave.
“You don’t have to be my pillar or anything like that. I just need you to be here with me. I’m not asking for anything else.” his voice shook against his neck, “Breaking up is the opposite of what’s best for either of us, so stop trying to push me away.”
The honesty, the pain and the desperation that Kakashi hadn’t thought Obito would feel towards him were palpable in his kisses, in the way his tongue slipped inside his mouth - in those words that echoed in his head.
Obito’s feelings were everywhere, impossible even for Kakashi to ignore, not when they took him by surprise like this. He hadn’t been prepared for them - had never considered the possibility that Obito would sound so desperate to stay with him. It just didn’t make sense.
Obito was everywhere. In him, on top of him, around him, in his mouth, in his mind; trying to reach him by any mean, to show him the truth that Kakashi had been neglecting - and succeeding, apparently, as Kakashi was starting to forget why he had even considered breaking up, and he hated himself even more for it; because that meant he’d hurt him for nothing.
“Don’t make me leave you on your own.” Kakashi could feel Obito’s weight grow heavier on top of him, as if his energy had left him along with those words. His lips and voice trembled against the thin skin of his neck and a deep gasp of air filled his chest against his, “Please, Kakashi. Just- Don’t force me to leave you alone when you’re like this.”
Obito pushed himself up on his arms again and Kakashi dropped his head to the side in defeat, staring at nothing in particular. Even now, he was more worried about his well-being than his own. Kakashi genuinely didn’t deserve him. He knew he didn’t, and yet the lump in his throat was growing along with the urge to reconsider his decision and to --
A hot tear suddenly dropped onto Kakashi’s cheekbone, burning him like a drop of hot lava and tearing him away from his thoughts.
And then a second one.
And a third one.
Obito choked above him; sobs racked his body, his hand tightening around Kakashi’s arm, nails digging into his bicep while his scarred hand shakily rubbed the tears away from his eye; his lips trembling and his breath stuttering.
Kakashi hated himself so much.
For making him cry.
For making him beg.
For reaching up.
For wrapping his arms around his shoulders after hurting him pointlessly.
He was the worst.
You don’t get to decide what I think and what I feel.
Kakashi was just the worst.
He felt more hot tears leaking against his face and neck as Obito laid down on top of him again, his warm hands running down Kakashi’s ribs and sliding underneath him to pull him closer.
I love you.
Don’t try to push me away.
I love you.
“I’m sorry.” Kakashi whispered through an unbearably tight throat, so low he might as well not have said it.
Don’t force me to leave you alone --
He didn’t even know who he was apologizing to and what he was apologizing about anymore.
To Obito, for being the reason Rin had been taken away from them - from him ?
To Rin, for being the reason her life had come to a sudden, brutal end ?
To Obito, for continuously twisting the knife in his wound ?
To Rin, for hurting Obito so much while she was gone ?
“I’m sorry.” he repeated against the other man's ear like a prayer, “I’m so sorry.” his fingers slipped into dark locks, and more tears dripped against his neck while the strong arms around him tightened, swelling Kakashi’s heart with love while his guilt ruthlessly squeezed down on it, suffocating it.
His love for Obito. His love for Rin.
His guilt for using the car that day.
His guilt for feeling so guilty he could hardly feel anything else.
And now his guilt for considering giving up nearly as soon as Rin had passed away - his guilt for assuming Obito’s feelings weren’t as strong as his own.
Obito was right. Kakashi was an idiot.
An idiot who didn’t deserve to be with him.
I just need you to be here with me. I’m not asking for anything else.
An idiot who was going to stay either way.
After rubbing salt in their wounds for no other reason than his own stupidity.
I need you.
Because for some unknown reason, Obito still wanted - needed him there.
Even though Kakashi was the opposite of what he really needed.
“I won’t- I won’t leave you, Obito.” Kakashi’s voice shook, “I’m sorry. I love you.” his vision was blurry with tears that were still too stubborn to pour freely from his eye - he hated himself for being so numb and dead inside he wasn’t even able to cry properly.
And as Obito managed to pull him even closer against him; burning lips shuddering against his neck, warm breath stuttering against his skin, hot fingers shaking in his hair and heart beating wildly against his chest; Kakashi knew he would hate himself more than he already did if he let go of him.
Although he was fully aware that he didn’t deserve him.